Relationship My Boyfriend Broke Up With Me...on Christmas

[caligirl03]

First of all...worst time of year ever. I used to love and look forward to it, but now I don't think I will ever look at it the same way again.

We've been together 3 years and like clockwork, he always tanks around this time. No matter what I do or don't do, he WILL FIND reasons to be angry w/ me.

Not ideal timing, but around this time we also started talking about next steps and marriage. He's been wanting to marry me for some time now and has even started looking at rings. I said I'd want us to go through premarital counseling first, especially with everything we've been through, and he said that was fine as long as it wasn't from a religious perspective.

We were both raised Christian, and although he's struggled with doubts about his faith, especially after the war and his diagnosis, he said that he would like us to have a faith-centered life, so I was confused as to the sudden contradiction and asked him about it. He relented and said he'd do it if it made me happy, but not because he wanted to. I told him I was bummed because it didn't seem like we were on the same page, and that I felt somewhat misled based on his prior comments about what he had said he wanted. He said I was creating a false dilemma and intentionally stalling because according to him, I have "serious commitment issues."

Then today he called me, told me he only had a few minutes to talk because he was heading to a movie then immediately broke into a rant about how all Christians are fake anyway,and if that's what I'm looking for, then it's not him, made some sacrilegious slurs that would shock an atheist, then hung up before I could say a word. Then an hour later, he called back and left a message saying that his movie had actually been sold out, and since he hadn't given me a chance to talk, that if I had anything to say, I should call him. Then an hour after that, he left another message saying that breaking up was actually my idea since I had told him the night before that we weren't on the same page. Then he wrote me an email telling me that if I wanted to contact him to only call and not text or email.

What the actual hell.

Merry freaking Christmas.

I'm devastated.

 

[The Albatross]

Clearly he's got some major issues... best that they're revealed before a wedding or engagement. But I'm sorry that this happened to you. He's clearly running the show... and was hell bent on driving the bus into the ditch.

 

[LuckyDuck]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. This is not your fault even though he said otherwise. That's him distancing himself from his actions in any way he can. And there's projection, saying you have commitment issue, when it's actually him. Taking what you said and putting it out of context is a very difficult thing to go through.

Surround yourself with people whom you trust, like friends or family, if you can. Don't go through this alone. You need support in this major transition in your life.

I agree with Albatross: best this all show up before engagement.

LD

 

[caligirl03]

What I don't understand is why has he been so adamant about marriage only to push me away like this?!

 

[The Albatross]

To me it reads more like a repetitive behavior as you say he tanks at this time each year. But as he was professing desire for marriage it converged with his more difficult time... and he tripped himself up into the behavior.

 

[Friday]

I've both done this: Anxiety Girl! Leaping to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound!!!!

((We're not on the same page? He doesn't want to marry me?!? Why? Because of the church thing? f*ck the church. The church has nothing to f*cking do with how I feel, how I thought we felt <insert long standing rant of everything that pisses me off about the church> How can I convince him that the church is f*cking pointless if it means losing each other? What if I can't? Well you know what? If some fake BS is more important to him than I am, f*ck him, too... Take a beat... Realize... I just f*cked up. Oh shit. Did I just go all anxiety girl over something I may have totally misread? Shit. Shit. Shit. (Shame / dread/ hopelessness/ hopefulness). We need to talk. Voices. Face to face. Nothing I can misread tone in. Call me... If you want. If you don't hate me. Please don't hate me. God, how do I fix this?))

& been swept up in someone else doing this (Anxiety Boy! Leaping to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound! Same monologue as above)... Like cold lightning... Swept up in their anxiety. The need for instant response, no matter how bad an idea it is.

& sat back, cocked my head, & just watched my partner spin out. Play both sides of the tennis court / lobbing the ball back and forth to themselves (either laughing to myself, cause their ain't nothing I can do until they beat this thing, but I know they'll wear themselves out eventually ... Or attempting to radiate tranquilo; baby, breathe or beat the hell outta something, either one, but we ain't talking until you're done... Or all >.< knowing they're hurting like f*ck, but I'm not tall enough to ride this ride).

Best of luck & condolences all in one.

 

[Tinyflame]

We've been together 3 years and like clockwork, he always tanks around this time. No matter what I do or don't do, he WILL FIND reasons to be angry w/ me... Not ideal timing, but around this time we also started talking about next steps and marriage..

Dear @caligirl03 - ohoh! ^ Big mistake in timing. Could it be it's missing the reality of ptsd?

Can I be really blunt? But I truly don't want to offend.. I think I read you say something recently about "Do you wish we were treated (by ptsd SO) as the queens that we are?.." I agree if you've got such self-esteem = :tup: . But maybe he feels you deserve someone better. Or maybe he senses or gets the msg from you that you don't really understand the struggles & permanency of ptsd? That you do deserve more but the demons to fight are too large to give you what you want or make you happy. (And FWIW I think much of what many people fuss about at Christmas- perfect dinners- matching table rings- the 'right' clothes, meeting expectations etc etc etc, really feel surreal when you're trying to survive, especially if there's trauma anniversaries. I went to the mall; I felt like I was in a parallel universe & a bit proud I even survived it. My analogy is people think. " I hope I remember the gift tags", I think "I hope I remember everyone's names". :rolleyes: )

(Please forgive me if I'm wrong- I'm not blaming you. I think @FridayJones & @The Albatross etc have hit it on the head.) But maybe too this isn't the ideal partner for you. I don't think anyone in their right mind would want the trouble of a partner's ptsd, but it's so God-awful at times I think it rarely can work out if someone feels like they love someone 'despite the ptsd' , rather than 'with the ptsd' (simply because it can wax & wane but for now there is no cure).

Best wishes to you. Sounds like a minor happening has dove-tailed with a major trigger & become larger & more deleterious than anyone expected. And (but) you do deserve more/ easier/ better.

ETA, When I think of my mom/dad (not sure if he had ptsd- seemed to but not diagnosed, they are both deceased for a long time), they made it (greatly) but they were really crazy about each other, not take-it-or-leave-it, & remained so. But in a way they almost started by the sound of it with a foolish love, a very faith-based love. And they also went through much hell on earth. A-fairy-tale-plus-horror-story. A real & deep love but terribly difficult at times too. I think too as kids we suffered for it, in some ways too. Not their fault but ptsd is an evil/ tries-to-destroy-your-life thing. (But better or more hopeful if he's getting some treatment.). As a person with ptsd I would never marry someone who denies the problem of their ptsd however.

 

[caligirl03]

I think I could ride these moments out if he were at least trying to get some form of help, but he's not doing anything for it, and I can't fight his battles for him, as much as Lord knows I've tried. And he had to make that call right before I'm about to sit down for Christmas dinner with my family? Why? For shock value points? To make sure he got the "last laugh" or the "upper hand"? Well, he may have won battle, but he's losing the war. I'm waving the white flag.