Relationship My Boyfriend Combat Vet, Withdrawal (i Think) So Confused

[Destiny]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for so generously sharing all your stories, it has helped me a great deal in the last 8 months where I had a long distance relationship with a combat vet.
Everytime we had an argument he would go trough a phase of extreme distance, he explained to me he has a difficult time with conflict, and I understood that. So I would try and not make a big deal out of most things. Two weeks ago though he really hurt my feelings and I let him know that. To which he just not respond at all. And I ended the relationship (big fault I know). I have tried since to talk it out but he is completely unresponsive. He says he is well done and over it and takes no responsibility what so ever to how it got this far and why I was so upset to do this.
SoI leave him alone for a couple of days and he msges me he dreamt about me, and I think he is slowly coming to his senses. I keep it light and non confrontational but then the next day he deletes me completely. I msg him to not do this and he said it is better like this in the long run, that even though it hurts now I will see it is better and that I will be fine.

I am so in love with this man but I just don't know how to reach him anymore.

Any words of wisdom?

 

[Justmehere]

It's not really about him coming to his senses or not or trying to reach him.

Trauma can make love, intimacy, and vulnerability really frightening and stressful - including good positive connection. As a PTSD sufferer, it can freak me out and make me want to run. I used to be close with people and then would shut them out the next day. (After a lot of work, I don't do this anymore but still have to go very slow when getting close to people.)

He's showing you he's not ready for a close intimate relationship.

He's also shown you he doesn't have the skill set to handle conflict and confrontation. If you want to be in the relationship with him, this is important info to consider.

I'd suggest gently but clearly setting boundaries, but not out of an effort to change him. Set the boundaries with him that you need regarding what you choose to let into your life and not.

 

[Destiny]

Thank you Justmehere, I think that at times I am strong enough but yeah when that boundary gets hit I am clearly not.
I have moved a few boundaries already which is probably not a good place for me to be.
I am very much a "fixer" so leaving things be is hard for me.

I don't want to change him, I just want to be there for him and for him to let me, but I am seeing that perhaps that is not at all what he needs.