General My Boyfriend Has PTSD - Please Help!

[armygf1017]

I'll try to keep this short...I met my bf in aug of 2008 online while he was deployed in iraq. He came home in November for two weeks and went back for 7 more months. He came home in June 2009 for good and I moved in right away.

Within 2 weeks, I knew something was different. To be honest, I was completely unprepared. This sweet, perfect, loving man, was no where to be found. Several months later after breaking up twice and moving in and out twice, he has been diagnosed with PTSD and is (finally) seeing a Dr. every week (has been for about 2 months now).

At this point I just don't know where to turn or what to do. If I try to talk to my friends or family about any of my issues they just don't understand. They feel I deserve better, and should just walk away. I can't do that, nor do I want to. He also has a daughter (4 yrs. old) who I am very attached to. We have her every weekend now where is before his job was different so he had her more often. His relationship with his daughter seems normal. He doesn't shut off like he does with me, which I am glad about, considering I don't understand this, there is no way a 4 year old would. I do sometimes wonder what my life would be like with out him? I don't know what I should do...I want for us both to be happy but happiness seems like such a stretch right now. I don't know maybe me leaving is what he needs? I just don't know!!!

He goes through episodes where he completely shuts down and shuts me out. All I want is to help and I dont know how to with out him talking to me. I try not to push or "nag" as he calls it, but ultimately I regret even trying to converse with him. Anytime I approach the subject, or any subject really that bothers me, I just make things worse. The situation leaves me feeling very alone, unappreciated, ANGRY, sad, HURT, needy, beyond FRUSTRATED and most of all helpless. I am a strong, independant, happy, easy-going, optimistic person by nature, and lately, in dealing with all of this I am not. I cry all the time, alone and in front of him, he is usually unresponsive.

I love this man very much, I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I can't turn my back on him. I just don't know how to deal with this or handle the situation, I just always seem to make things worse.


I realize life for him is different now but how could he be so different with me, towards me, as I was there for him, seeing him through all of this and still am trying to be.

I know therapy can take take years, and I have seen improvement in his behavior, but everytime he has a bad day I panic (which he doesn't need). He avoids talking to me about any of his issues, and I know I can't force him to, but he is driving me nuts. Is there a light at the end of this dark, lonely, awful tunnel? Does anyone have any advice on how to get him to start talking to me about any of this.

Sorry if i sound as though i am rambling or if something doesn't make sense.
Please, any advice is very much appreciated.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum armygf1017.

What you are experiencing is not abnormal for PTSD so I suggest you start by reading all the sticky threads at the top of each of the Carers sections.

From first hand experience, to try and help you feel better, I know that a PTSD Sufferer can separate a child and their innocence and be able to not put any of their PTSD issues onto the child for limited periods. If your boyfriend had his daughter full time he might not do the things he does to you but he would eventually, more than likely, have periodic melt downs.

I am unfortunately short of time but did want to acknowledge your post. Hopefully others will respond but in the meantime read and learn as much as you can. Then only you can decide what is right for you and I cannot emphasize enough that if you decide to stay you will need to learn how to be firm and have strong boundaries. I am married to an ex Army Sufferer and I think the military style of enforcement works well with them - blunt, short & to the point (without being mean or rude).

Must go sorry,

Take care.

 

[armygf1017]

Well this last week was more than excrutiating for me to deal with him. I can now recognize within minutes of being in his presence when he needs to be "left alone". This space that he needs is the exact opposite of what I need however, and I have been trying to come to terms with it but It's not easy considering how close we once were. His behavior is quite cyclical.

The cycle usually goes like this:

Things between us are good, he starts to pull away for no reason of my knowledge, I want to know "what's wrong", I want to communicate, I want affection, and intamacy and any attempts of any of these things usually end up making me feel very rejected. In turn, I get frustrated and want to talk about 'stuff". He of course can't handle any of this, so he sits there with a blank stare, I begin to cry, and he has no reaction to this. I am mad at this point so I leave or he is mad so I leave. A few days go by with out any contact and he starts texting me, or emailing me, telling me he is so sorry and he has made a huge mistake and he wants to talk. He tells me everything I want and need to hear and things are good again.

It hurts so bad because our relationship feels very one-sided. I'm always catering to him, doing things for him and his daughter. Last month, he had drill weekend so, his daughter stayed with her mom, so we went 2 weeks without having/seeing his daughter. It definitely affects him when he doesnt get to see her and it also affects me, Im not used to not seeing her for that long of a time either. The following week started a new month and he had drill scheduled again, so he was talking to me and mentioned this and said he was going to have to go another 2 weeks without seeing her. I then offered for him to take her and let her stay with me while he goes to drill all day. I said atleast you will get to spend some time with her on friday and saturday and possibly even sunday night even if it only a few hours each night. He agreed but showed little appreciation towards me.

This past week he was in a funk. Everyday I'd come home from work, and he'd already be home sitting on the couch, watching tv. I'd ask about his day, and all I get are one word answers. I'd ask if he felt like doing something to get out of the house for a bit and he would say no I just want to sit here and relax. We were invited to my friends engagement party that was on sunday from 2-6. He usually drops his daughter off on sunday at 6 so I had a feeling he would be resistant to going. I asked if we could go to the party a little later, say for 430 and drop off his daughter for 330, since the party was an hour away. My thoughts are if he atleast attempts to show his face, I am happy. Even if we only stay an hour, I don't care. He has no problems attending events with his friends or fam but when it comes to mine or just going out solely with me, he resists. I was upset all week. He ended up not coming with me, so I made the best of the situation. I got up I didnt give him a hard time at all, I hugged and kissed him good bye and told him to have a good day with his daughter. When

 

[armygf1017]

(continuing from post above...my connection got cut off and [posted before i was ready])

When I was almost home, I called him and asked what he was up to and let him know i was almost home. I thought we would spend some time together since we really hadn't all weekend. He says to me, "oh I'm going to watch the game at the bar with (his best friend) >>>>(who is ALWAYS around, way more often than I would prefer). I said ok and asked if he'd wait to see me before he left because I wanted to see him since i havent all day. I was so pissed off!!! All week, I asked him to get out of the house with me! and now he is going out with his friend!!! who he spend all day and the previous day with! I went home to his place acted as if nothing was wrong and told him to have fun and also saidf i was going to go out for a bit too. I haven't stayed over his place since, for the last 3 nights! He is still being distant. I havent even heaqrd from him in 2 days! How is that I love and HATE him at the same time! Oh how I want a normal relationship with HIM. Right now Ive been keeping my distance and thinking. There are times I just want to scream! Like NOW! Well I don't know what else to say...just venting I guess.

Being the loving, caring, giving, supportive girlfriend definitely takes its toll when you are getting little if anything in return :(

 

[Katherine]

ArmyGf,

First, welcome to the site. You will find a lot of useful information (including some tough love) that I think will help you in your frustration. And when advice doesn't help, it's always nice to be able to vent on here.

Also, I have no intention of being rude or assuming things, but the young combat PTSD sufferer is what I personally am dealing with. Everyone processes things differently and PTSD is different for everyone and I am merely relating to the things you've written that struck me as being painfully familiar.

I was in a similar situation to you - you can read my blog postings (Love is Always the Right Response) if you care to. I think you'll connect to some of the things I've been feeling with my Army(now)-ex. Even though we're exes, I stay on the site because we still live together and so I still need the encouragement and reminders of others sometimes.

As far as having a normal relationship - unfortunately for now, you have to forget it. While my ex was getting out of the Army he was holding it together and he was a wonderful boyfriend (like yours was). But he got out and we moved in together and that was it. His medical retirement took over 2 years and we had been together and happy that entire time - now he sits and plays video games all day.

I've done everything that you have done/are doing. You will drive yourself nuts if you continue. I've gone so far as to exaggerate my already bad anxiety, gone back into therapy myself, and now we aren't together. The best way that I can understand it is when my ex was waiting to get out, he held it together (because he had to and the military doesn't give you options) which is probably what your bf does when he has to train or has drill weekend. And now that he's done it's like a big exhale.

The military does not teach soldiers how to decompress normally and with PTSD, I've observed that combat soldiers just shut down. They either operate on high alert or they don't operate at all. When they shut down, they do not have the energy to deal with anything - even good things (take a look at the Stress-Cup model on the opening page of the site). Though you were associated with good things, now you are a stressor to him. There is a lot of pressure from society for sufferers to be "normal," and (I think) there's nothing that makes them feel more guilty and unloved than having it shown to them that they're not enough - and it is interpreted as not enough when we beg for them to talk to us, give us answers. Another thing that I realized is that a lot of times they are looking for the same answers we are so esentially there are no answers.

Also, sometimes an aspect of combat PTSD is that they are in the mindset of life and death. If it isn't a life and death matter, it isn't important. My ex lets everything go (bills, picking up after himself, laundry), because it doesn't register as important in his brain. PSTD does rewire how the brain opperates - so this is not an easy thing to manage/overcome. You are not important to him because you are not a life and death matter. (I'm not trying to be mean, I swear) It is the hardest thing I had to learn. You are important when he interprets the need as important and he probably could make time for you (like he does with his child or with a friend) but he would have to prepare himself for it. Plus, as the signifigant other, you want something from him and that is a lot of pressure when/if he feels like he can't spare to give anything.

One thing was written to me the other day that hit home: He has done everything so far to survive and keep himself going; he will continue to be able to keep going. And it's true. Soldiers are survivors. They do not need us. And with PTSD, they have to want to change themselves. There's nothing we can do to speed it up or get them to figure it out quicker.

I hope this wasn't too long. I usually don't post responses, since I'm learning about this too, but I connected to what you're going through. Soldiers end up being fairly resilient so often it seems as if they will come back to you and heal more quickly, but since I've stepped back from my ex's problem, I can see that it's going to take him a long time and being in a relationship with him is just me getting in the way of his healing. I still love and support him and am accepting when he decides to share with me, but I had to see that it was best for both of us to see if we could be friends. He doesn't have the strength to hold up his end of a romantic relationship with me.

I hope the best for you. Try to step outside of the situation and see where he really is in his journey to managing PTSD.

But most of all take care of yourself and make a conscious effort to care for yourself.

Best,

Katherine