General My Boyfriend Is In Denial, How Can I Help?

[Omi81]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been goin through ups and downs these past couple of weeks trying to decide whether or not this relationship is going to work. We have been arguing a lot lately and decided to take some space apart from one another.

I have been talking to him about the things that we both need to work on but at the same time I am afraid of being to direct about him needing to seek professional help. I have been able to tell him that he has things to work on that are beyond his control but everytime he says"i know."

He has said in the past that he doesn't like to see docs because they "don't know what they are talking about." He feels like they just want to medicate their patients. He has NEVER started to take or taken any medications to help his combat PTSD. He refuses and says he NEVER will. He also says that he will take his own advice and that although it's been four years since he was first diagnosed that he has seen a little change in himself and is not yet where he wants to be. He feels as if he can do this on his own.

I am willing to stay around and support him, but I am just not sure if I could stay in this already unstable relationship unless he admits to needing help in order to get better and sustain a healthy relationship.

He gets frustrated everytime I tell him we should seperate and says that i was his motivation but the because of how I feel, I am just shooting nim and his motivation.

I don't know what to do at this point...:crazy:

 

[ANCHOR]

I don't like drugs either....just me...

I have had some pretty poor experiences with meds...and my husband often talked about the military drugging them up for this or that. Half the time they never really knew what the shots were for and received vague explanations.

If he is against drugs...he needs to understand that prolonged stress levels and prolonged depression...sleep deprivation...anxiety...have contributed to the likely damage of the hippocampus area in his brain (among some other parts related to memory/emotion/adrenaline). The tissue that has died may contain some links to emotion and memory and that is why he cannot recall things in a linear fashion with an appropriate emotion (scientifically speaking), etc...etc... But this area is also known to heal dramatically...like a muscle... The memories will always be around but they will process with proper care to a healthier quieter place over time.

SO HEALTH IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. He will need to find a way to fall asleep and stay on a normal schedule. There are books that describe foods and things to help maintain and promote naturally balanced brain chemistry. Yoga and relaxation excercises and meditations are also something to consider and do regularly. No drugs or alcohol as these things tamper with the brain chemistry he is already struggling to maintain.

Book: THE BRAIN THAT CHANGES ITSELF - Stories of Triumph from the frontiers of Brain Science - by Norman Doidge (This is a mind over matter approach to healing and why/how the brain is so resilient.)

Check the forum for books on his specific trauma type PTSD and maybe he can read a little more at his own pace...then give him some time to absorb the information...and accept it. He has to do this on his own.

And good job for asking him for the space you need to care for yourself. He has to learn to trust you, not cling or control, so keep setting your boundaries so that he can keep learning them.:clap:

 

[Nicolette]

I am afraid of being to direct about him needing to seek professional help.

Omi81....Anchor has answered your questions well.

What I would like to add is to be careful not to enable your boyfriend by avoiding issues. From personal experience it is best to be polite but direct. Therefore if I was you I would not be holding back telling him he needs professional help.

While leaving and protecting yourself is of utmost importance you are creating a roller coaster ride for both of you if you continue the patterning of back and forward and nothing changes in between.

Usually the hardest thing people find to say is "I Love You" and all you need to say here is "You Need Help". Not wanting to take meds is one thing but there are alternatives and therapy is an important one.

 

[Omi81]

Thank you Anchor and Nicolette. I appreciate the feedback. I will try to encourage the reads, and am willing to be direct in telling him/suggesting therapy. I will give this a shot.

I have told him he needs help, in so many words, his reply is that he knows what he needs to do and it doesn't include professional help. I will not give up and I will stick around for as long as he could handle it.

 

[ANCHOR]

Trust your instincts

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, OMI.

You will know when he is progressing and/or you will know when you have had enough. Read, and assess the situation, and let us know how you are doing.:Hug_emoticon:We want both of you to be safe!:hello:

 

[becvan]

I am willing to stay around and support him, but I am just not sure if I could stay in this already unstable relationship unless he admits to needing help in order to get better and sustain a healthy relationship.

This has got to be some of the most messed up logic I have heard. The relationship is not healthy, he is not working on himself nor admitting to needing help, but you'll stay if he simply admits to needing help? Why the hell would you want to be in any relationship that is not healthy, stay around and support that person, and be perfectly okay if someone just admits to requiring help?

If someone is not healthy and not working on themselves then just get the hell out. If they want to become healthy and work on themselves and look you up great, but don't hang around waiting for it. Your wasting your time.

He gets frustrated everytime I tell him we should seperate and says that i was his motivation but the because of how I feel, I am just shooting nim and his motivation.

That is hilarious. People only ever make changes because they want to. Not because someone else motivates them (not including children here) or someone else says so or anything else. Sounds like someone is having a hayday with guilt trips and manipulation to get you to stay and put up with crap you just shouldn't be.

What you should do at this point is look at what the relationship is or isn't RIGHT NOW, and toss all this if it was this way, what if the future looked like that right out the window. Base your decision on what is going on now and what has been.

bec

 

[Omi81]

Thanx bec. I only said that I was willing to stay around because I've read that the first step for someone to get help is admitting that they need the help first. Unless I misunderstood. I say its unhealthy due to our constant arguing and if we were to seperate that should come to an end or at least minimize, and I thought that I could stay and try to support in the meantime. I think you are right about the guilt trips on his behalf as he is trying everything to not loose me. I also think your right about me looking at this as for what it is now and not the what if's or could be's. I know I'm a lil bit all over the place with this,but then again that's why I am here. Although you do come off a little harsh, I do understand your points and appreciate your feedback. Thanx again.

 

[Shoka]

I admire becva's "tough love" approach to your post Omi81.

You can't help someone who is in denial. They have to get out of denial and into acceptance that they are ill. Then they have to want to do something about it.

No amount of love or support from you will help him break his denial in my honest opinion.

I know it's hard to hear this Omi81. I know you have hope in your heart that if you just love him enough he will change and be the man you want in your life, but from what I've seen it's not how PTSD works.

It does sound manipulative that he tells you he's "motivated" to get help in order to stay in the relationship, but doesn't actually go get any. It sounds like you are suffering alot because of his denial. If you separate, it just might be the wake up call he needs to get help.

My boyfriend knew I would leave him if he didn't get help. He did get help and the improvement in our lives is remarkable.

Take care
Shoka

 

[Nicolette]

I agree with Bec and Shoka. I did want to post something along the lines of what Bec wrote as I believe tough love is sometimes warranted. As some of my comments by newer members have been seen as "harsh" and perceived as telling all Carers to leave their partners and not be supportive I have taken a back seat over the last week to see what happens.

I have now decided I will post my truth and beliefs as those who are willing to accept others opinions will do so; those Carers in denial will react as they do.

Personally, as I get on in life, I cannot think of any excuse to stay in an abusive relationship and a partner making you feel guilty for leaving or responsible for their motivation is blantant manipulation.

 

[Omi81]

I never said I disagree, I am here to get help and take the feedback and constructive criticism. I just am not used to someone being so blunt, granted, I appreciate it. I am thankful for you guys remarks and replies as they are helpful. I appreciate all of time and knowledge on this topic.

I never saw as this being abusive to me(because it's not physical) but it is indeed emotional.

So all of you know, I have stood my ground, and am no longer dating him. I told him that he knows how to reach me and that I will always be there for him when he needs me but that theres so much he and I can do to help him. He says that i am just pushing him away, I replied that that was a risk I was willing to take.

Thank you all, and I will remain a part of this forum because I like it, a lot.

 

[Nicolette]

I never saw as this being abusive to me(because it's not physical) but it is indeed emotional.

From Wikipedia looking up manipulation:

Psychological abuse: coercion, humiliation, intimidation, relational aggression, parental alienation or covert incest: Where one person uses emotional or psychological coercion to compel another to do something they do not want, or is not in their best interests; or when one person manipulates another's emotional or psychological state for their own ends (see battered person syndrome)

So all of you know, I have stood my ground, and am no longer dating him.

I think you had done a smart thing for now and good on you for looking after yourself first.

Thank you all, and I will remain a part of this forum because I like it, a lot.

You are most welcome...hang in there... there are better things to come for you :Hug_emoticon:

 

[ANCHOR]

Everyone Speaks Wisely, OMI...

Everyone speaks wisely on this thread, Omi. Emotional abuse is the sneakiest and can hurt you even more than physical abuse sometimes.

And you made a wise choice to stop dating him. :thumbs-up

Keep reading those books! :Hug_emoticon: