A new chapter in my life began a year ago when I started seeing my boyfriend. I haven't had a stable relationship since my trauma(s). My three traumas are from when I witnessed my mother die - her heart stopped- and be brought back to life when I was 8, I had an emotionally and sexually abusive boyfriend in high school, and I am a survivor of a school shooting at my college when I was 17. Now I am 24 and finally embarking on a journey into relationship territory.
There's a catch though. He's in the military.
And I'm the one with PTSD? Yep. Uncharted territory! (Or at least for me it is).
First issue: Guns.
I grew up in a family that was whole-heartedly against guns. Born and half-raised in Montreal, Quebec - where guns are only for hunting and at that the laws are pretty strict. We moved to Arizona when I was 8 and my parents had to start asking my friends' parents if they had a gun in the house. If they did, I was not allowed over. Period. We participated in the Million Mom March against gun violence. We had lock down drills at school and my sister's high school was closed one day because of a kid who threatened to put sleeping gas in the AC system and shoot everyone while they were unconscious. Then, there was Columbine. I was only 10, but I understood what was happening. A couple years later, my family knew we had to move back to Canada to get away from all of the crime and violence. Everything was fine and dandy. Life was (for all intents and purposes) good.
September 13, 2006 I became a victim of a school shooting. My college in Montreal was the target of a mass shooting. I have had to deal with severe PTSD because of it. Because a guy wielding multiple semi-automatics tore my life apart. We moved away from that, didn't we? I thought I was safe.
Guns will never be safe for me. So why do I feel safe with my soldier boyfriend? This weekend he is away on course and he will be shooting live rounds. He is an expert marksman in the infantry and loves his job. He talks about having a gun rack one day, in his house. So why do I feel safe with my soldier boyfriend? Granted, when he says things like that I want to run in the opposite direction... but I think I trust him. I was saved by the brave men and women of the SPVM (Montreal police), and I trust that they have been trained on their weapons to do no harm - to protect and save the lives of the innocent. I trust the military to do the same. In some ways, I feel safe with my soldier, because I know he will protect me.
Nevertheless, there will always be a nagging thought at the back of my head that what if he turns into the bad guy? There are so many trained military personnel that snap one day, that have schizophrenic breaks and use their weapons for harm. It wouldn't even have to be his fault. I may trust him, but can I trust the gun?
Second issue: Military.
My family is also a very pacifist family. My parents do not believe in war. My mother once called all soldiers murders - in front of my soldier boyfriend. (He almost lost it). I know she didn't mean to call him a murderer, but she was expressing a sentiment that my WW2 veteran grandfather expressed to her. He also suffered from PTSD and used to abuse his family; my mother holds a great deal of pain from that. My mother does not understand why I am dating him.
I do, though - for the most part ;). I took conflict studies and human rights at university (although it was too emotionally difficult for me to finish; but that is a story for another day). I came at it with an open mind so as to really understand why conflicts arise and why people resort to violence. Not all of my questions were answered - nor do I think they can be. I used to admire the Tibetans for lasting for 300 years without a standing army, but unfortunately they were overrun by the Chinese and their beautiful peace was ruined, their culture decimated. I learned that standing armies are a necessary part of maintaining the safety of a nation. I still maintain that armies should not be used as an aggressive force, but solely for the purpose of self-defence. All that to say, I am okay with the idea of the military and their duties and functions.
There is another aspect to look at this with. He is a soldier, and I have PTSD. Of all people, a soldier could understand. Their fellow soldiers suffer all too often from PTSD. Sure, there are the soldiers who are of the mind to say "Suck it up, don't be weak." But I have found one who cares enough to try to understand. I know it scares him to see me when I am having a panic attack; he feels lost and helpless. He has said he will reach out to the resources he has at his disposal from the military (although it is clear in Canada that they are failing to reach out to suffering vets... but again, that is a rant for another day!) to learn about the disorder. One time we were at the regiment and I was starting to panic. He held me and told me that they are my family too, they will protect me. The comradery and solidarity that the military brings is now mine to protect me.
He wants to help, but he does not always know how. Luckily, I am at a part in my recovery that I am strong enough - for the most part - to help him help me.
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Does anyone have any advice for me? for him? I'd love and appreciate any kind of feedback on my situation.
Thank you all,
C.
There's a catch though. He's in the military.
And I'm the one with PTSD? Yep. Uncharted territory! (Or at least for me it is).
First issue: Guns.
I grew up in a family that was whole-heartedly against guns. Born and half-raised in Montreal, Quebec - where guns are only for hunting and at that the laws are pretty strict. We moved to Arizona when I was 8 and my parents had to start asking my friends' parents if they had a gun in the house. If they did, I was not allowed over. Period. We participated in the Million Mom March against gun violence. We had lock down drills at school and my sister's high school was closed one day because of a kid who threatened to put sleeping gas in the AC system and shoot everyone while they were unconscious. Then, there was Columbine. I was only 10, but I understood what was happening. A couple years later, my family knew we had to move back to Canada to get away from all of the crime and violence. Everything was fine and dandy. Life was (for all intents and purposes) good.
September 13, 2006 I became a victim of a school shooting. My college in Montreal was the target of a mass shooting. I have had to deal with severe PTSD because of it. Because a guy wielding multiple semi-automatics tore my life apart. We moved away from that, didn't we? I thought I was safe.
Guns will never be safe for me. So why do I feel safe with my soldier boyfriend? This weekend he is away on course and he will be shooting live rounds. He is an expert marksman in the infantry and loves his job. He talks about having a gun rack one day, in his house. So why do I feel safe with my soldier boyfriend? Granted, when he says things like that I want to run in the opposite direction... but I think I trust him. I was saved by the brave men and women of the SPVM (Montreal police), and I trust that they have been trained on their weapons to do no harm - to protect and save the lives of the innocent. I trust the military to do the same. In some ways, I feel safe with my soldier, because I know he will protect me.
Nevertheless, there will always be a nagging thought at the back of my head that what if he turns into the bad guy? There are so many trained military personnel that snap one day, that have schizophrenic breaks and use their weapons for harm. It wouldn't even have to be his fault. I may trust him, but can I trust the gun?
Second issue: Military.
My family is also a very pacifist family. My parents do not believe in war. My mother once called all soldiers murders - in front of my soldier boyfriend. (He almost lost it). I know she didn't mean to call him a murderer, but she was expressing a sentiment that my WW2 veteran grandfather expressed to her. He also suffered from PTSD and used to abuse his family; my mother holds a great deal of pain from that. My mother does not understand why I am dating him.
I do, though - for the most part ;). I took conflict studies and human rights at university (although it was too emotionally difficult for me to finish; but that is a story for another day). I came at it with an open mind so as to really understand why conflicts arise and why people resort to violence. Not all of my questions were answered - nor do I think they can be. I used to admire the Tibetans for lasting for 300 years without a standing army, but unfortunately they were overrun by the Chinese and their beautiful peace was ruined, their culture decimated. I learned that standing armies are a necessary part of maintaining the safety of a nation. I still maintain that armies should not be used as an aggressive force, but solely for the purpose of self-defence. All that to say, I am okay with the idea of the military and their duties and functions.
There is another aspect to look at this with. He is a soldier, and I have PTSD. Of all people, a soldier could understand. Their fellow soldiers suffer all too often from PTSD. Sure, there are the soldiers who are of the mind to say "Suck it up, don't be weak." But I have found one who cares enough to try to understand. I know it scares him to see me when I am having a panic attack; he feels lost and helpless. He has said he will reach out to the resources he has at his disposal from the military (although it is clear in Canada that they are failing to reach out to suffering vets... but again, that is a rant for another day!) to learn about the disorder. One time we were at the regiment and I was starting to panic. He held me and told me that they are my family too, they will protect me. The comradery and solidarity that the military brings is now mine to protect me.
He wants to help, but he does not always know how. Luckily, I am at a part in my recovery that I am strong enough - for the most part - to help him help me.
--------
Does anyone have any advice for me? for him? I'd love and appreciate any kind of feedback on my situation.
Thank you all,
C.
