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My soul feels so shattered...how to heal from this?
Written to my brother (not sent). It is in response to something he said to me after Dad's memorial service. I have been my parents' caretaker since 2004, while both brothers live on opposite parts of the country. My brother, who did not know the extent of my Dad's depression, mouthed off when he had no idea of what had really happened. I hope this makes sense. It is long, and I apologize.
Dear _____
I do not expect, want, or need a response to this letter. It's purpose is to share some information you are not aware of. You do not deserve to hear it, but I deserve to tell you!
First, when I called you in January, it was during a panic attack. I was either going to call you, or injure myself in some way that would cause the people I love more pain. I apologize for calling, and for calling when I did. I'm sure you were doing important things.
I remember very little. I know I told you that I hate you, but I do not. I don't have it in me to hate you, but the thought of you and your arrogance is almost unbearable from someone I thought loved me. I remember asking you if you had ever watched them try to resuscitate your father.
I despise your ability to judge without all the information. You are a player of “Praise the Lord, and point the finger'.
Second, was I supposed to leave Dad in his office, in the dark, day after day, coming out less and less? I realized that he was spending entire days there not talking to anyone. WHO was he supposed to talk to??? Now I know one of the reasons he was so sad. How do you think he felt when his son TOLD him NOT to talk to his daughter, who was his caretaker? That thought alone makes me physically ill.
During Dad and our talks, I'm sure we did cross some lines about mother and their marriage, that's why I suggested counseling. His answer was “why bother now, I'm 81, who cares?” I CARED!!! NO ONE came from the church called to talk to him, NO ONE called to invite him out for coffee. He saw NO reason to be alive. Mom NEVER conversed with him. He felt useless, used up, and so, so tired of being sad and being in pain.
How often did you call, and how long did you talk to him when you did? How much time did you spend with him in the 8 years since they moved back to Kansas. Oh, I know you had your 'important' job, and he was proud of you. But, did you ever really GIVE him ANY time???
He wanted to die. His only concern was leaving me with Mom. Finally, it was making me so sad to see my Dad like this, that my therapist asked me to ask Dad to get counseling for ME, if not for himself. He did, and it helped. He started acrylic painting again. His therapist pointed out to him that he was a good writer (she read his blogs), she commended him for staying with a woman who gave NOTHING of herself to him. NEVER even poured him a cup of coffee?! Or made him a meal? She fixed her own meals, never asking if anyone else was hungry.
She was in awe that he was so true to his marriage commitment. They were married over 60 years. But, he felt like a failure. DID YOU KNOW THAT??? Did you know that he did not know who 'HE' was, or what FUN was?? His life was a life of service to other's in the Name of God who he worshiped.
Do you know that Mother went entire days without talking to him, until bedtime, when she would state “I'm going to bed now, I'll take my kiss”? THAT was the extent of their 'conversation' and interaction.
One week we had company several days in a row. We noticed that Mom came COMPLETELY out of her 'shell', and talked and conversed like normal. When I was gone from the house, or out of town, there was NO conversation! Don't you think that hurt Dad to the core? Do you think Dad told you only what he felt he should, and maybe it wasn't ALL that was going on?
Then, at our Uncle's funeral, it was the same. She gave Dad NO attention, unless she needed something. She acted like he was an accessory. We realized at that point that her choice to not talk at home was a choice and NOT dementia. How do you think that made Dad feel?
He did not like talking negatively about Mom, but he had to vent to someone. Who would that have been???
Was I supposed to ignore his comments that told me he was so depressed, and expressed suicidal ideation? Do you know what that is?? (Brother is 'important'-works with Homeland Security) Probably knows nothing about depression and what it does to ones' soul.
My third point. I do not want to ever hear you say my name again. When you told me that you told Dad not to talk to me, I heard the venom and disgust in your voice. (We both know the true reason for that) You were blaming me for caring enough to have conversations with my father. Do you think it hurt his heart and soul to hear you say that? You HURT MY FATHER!!!! You make me sick.
It only mattered that you got to say what you thought you should say. How may hours did you spend talking to Dad, and did he tell you only what he thought you should hear.? Did you ever invite him for a visit?
Fourth, when you come to town to visit, I want as little contact with you as possible. I would arrange to be out of town, but don't want to confuse or upset the rest of the family.
Finally, that day, a loving 'Christian' brother could have put his arms around his sister, and stated that you knew she was afraid of the future, and that you knew she was in shock and that you would be supportive. But, NO, you had to reach out and hurt me when I was already shattered. WHO ARE YOU???
You chose to shatter my heart, regardless of the pain I had already been dealt. Nothing you can say will ever 'fix' that injury.
This goes SO against who I am, but I am human, and I believe God forgives me for having feelings, being in pain, and distraught that Dad thought 'my brothers' would “be there for me”. That has not, and did not happen. At least my other brother has sent texts, and offered to listen if I need to talk to someone.
What have you offered?? Zero, Zip, Nada! Don't try now...it's too late. You have judged and hurt me enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for taking the time to read my 'vent'.
Written to my brother (not sent). It is in response to something he said to me after Dad's memorial service. I have been my parents' caretaker since 2004, while both brothers live on opposite parts of the country. My brother, who did not know the extent of my Dad's depression, mouthed off when he had no idea of what had really happened. I hope this makes sense. It is long, and I apologize.
Dear _____
I do not expect, want, or need a response to this letter. It's purpose is to share some information you are not aware of. You do not deserve to hear it, but I deserve to tell you!
First, when I called you in January, it was during a panic attack. I was either going to call you, or injure myself in some way that would cause the people I love more pain. I apologize for calling, and for calling when I did. I'm sure you were doing important things.
I remember very little. I know I told you that I hate you, but I do not. I don't have it in me to hate you, but the thought of you and your arrogance is almost unbearable from someone I thought loved me. I remember asking you if you had ever watched them try to resuscitate your father.
I despise your ability to judge without all the information. You are a player of “Praise the Lord, and point the finger'.
Second, was I supposed to leave Dad in his office, in the dark, day after day, coming out less and less? I realized that he was spending entire days there not talking to anyone. WHO was he supposed to talk to??? Now I know one of the reasons he was so sad. How do you think he felt when his son TOLD him NOT to talk to his daughter, who was his caretaker? That thought alone makes me physically ill.
During Dad and our talks, I'm sure we did cross some lines about mother and their marriage, that's why I suggested counseling. His answer was “why bother now, I'm 81, who cares?” I CARED!!! NO ONE came from the church called to talk to him, NO ONE called to invite him out for coffee. He saw NO reason to be alive. Mom NEVER conversed with him. He felt useless, used up, and so, so tired of being sad and being in pain.
How often did you call, and how long did you talk to him when you did? How much time did you spend with him in the 8 years since they moved back to Kansas. Oh, I know you had your 'important' job, and he was proud of you. But, did you ever really GIVE him ANY time???
He wanted to die. His only concern was leaving me with Mom. Finally, it was making me so sad to see my Dad like this, that my therapist asked me to ask Dad to get counseling for ME, if not for himself. He did, and it helped. He started acrylic painting again. His therapist pointed out to him that he was a good writer (she read his blogs), she commended him for staying with a woman who gave NOTHING of herself to him. NEVER even poured him a cup of coffee?! Or made him a meal? She fixed her own meals, never asking if anyone else was hungry.
She was in awe that he was so true to his marriage commitment. They were married over 60 years. But, he felt like a failure. DID YOU KNOW THAT??? Did you know that he did not know who 'HE' was, or what FUN was?? His life was a life of service to other's in the Name of God who he worshiped.
Do you know that Mother went entire days without talking to him, until bedtime, when she would state “I'm going to bed now, I'll take my kiss”? THAT was the extent of their 'conversation' and interaction.
One week we had company several days in a row. We noticed that Mom came COMPLETELY out of her 'shell', and talked and conversed like normal. When I was gone from the house, or out of town, there was NO conversation! Don't you think that hurt Dad to the core? Do you think Dad told you only what he felt he should, and maybe it wasn't ALL that was going on?
Then, at our Uncle's funeral, it was the same. She gave Dad NO attention, unless she needed something. She acted like he was an accessory. We realized at that point that her choice to not talk at home was a choice and NOT dementia. How do you think that made Dad feel?
He did not like talking negatively about Mom, but he had to vent to someone. Who would that have been???
Was I supposed to ignore his comments that told me he was so depressed, and expressed suicidal ideation? Do you know what that is?? (Brother is 'important'-works with Homeland Security) Probably knows nothing about depression and what it does to ones' soul.
My third point. I do not want to ever hear you say my name again. When you told me that you told Dad not to talk to me, I heard the venom and disgust in your voice. (We both know the true reason for that) You were blaming me for caring enough to have conversations with my father. Do you think it hurt his heart and soul to hear you say that? You HURT MY FATHER!!!! You make me sick.
It only mattered that you got to say what you thought you should say. How may hours did you spend talking to Dad, and did he tell you only what he thought you should hear.? Did you ever invite him for a visit?
Fourth, when you come to town to visit, I want as little contact with you as possible. I would arrange to be out of town, but don't want to confuse or upset the rest of the family.
Finally, that day, a loving 'Christian' brother could have put his arms around his sister, and stated that you knew she was afraid of the future, and that you knew she was in shock and that you would be supportive. But, NO, you had to reach out and hurt me when I was already shattered. WHO ARE YOU???
You chose to shatter my heart, regardless of the pain I had already been dealt. Nothing you can say will ever 'fix' that injury.
This goes SO against who I am, but I am human, and I believe God forgives me for having feelings, being in pain, and distraught that Dad thought 'my brothers' would “be there for me”. That has not, and did not happen. At least my other brother has sent texts, and offered to listen if I need to talk to someone.
What have you offered?? Zero, Zip, Nada! Don't try now...it's too late. You have judged and hurt me enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for taking the time to read my 'vent'.
