Ill just make this clear, simple, honest, and direct to the point. This is what I really feel no matter what you say. I'll just tell you a short background. I'm 22 years old now. I have experienced this strange feeling when I was in 6th grade (13 years old). That time, which is my first time, I went to school worried and anxious. I have felt that something was wrong with me but I really didn't know what. I felt really afraid, vulnerable, and I was really at near-breakdown-experience. I remembered walking at the school corridor and asked by my class adviser about how I was doing and then I cried. Maybe because I really didn't know what was happening to me because that was really the first time that emotion or feeling entered my very body. Maybe I was just so soft because I was raised in a comfortable life having no chores to do and any responsibilities. The only rational thing that time I think was the cause of that feeling is maybe, there was a lot of work to do. But compared to other students, my "a lot" doesn't really mean a lot. I was just not used to doing things that I really have to exert effort like reading, doing projects, and anything that needs persistence and patience. Yes, I am good at math. Maybe it was just inborn because I was just good at it since 1st grade and I was not really exerting too much effort. I just do it. Back to the main topic, I just rested maybe for 3 days of not going to school and I felt okay again.
Moving on to 7th grade, I experienced it again. That time, I didn't know what caused that "feeling" again but I was feeling anxious about everything: my mother passing away even if she's still 45 that time, healthy and got no problems, buying a not so expensive calculator but I was thinking that no money will be left for us after that purchase, and anything under the sun. I was confined in a hospital for a week because I felt so really depressed and I was not eating fine. I wanted to be alone every time. I don't want people to look at me because every time they look at me and me looking at them, I always feel that there's something that is really wrong. My turning point is when I saw myself in the hospital mirror slim and handsome. I felt I really looked good losing so much weight because of depression. I was okay after that and I was ready the go out of hospital. Then here comes again the 8th, 9th, and 10th grade. I was still experiencing it. Keep experiencing it. Almost once a year. Sometimes twice. Depressed then recovery. Cycle. Reasons just changed. From 8th to 10th grade, the reason of my anxiety is I felt something is wrong with my face. The feeling was the same but I was finding the cause of my feeling and I associated it with my face. I didn't want looking at people because every time I look at them, they turn away. I felt something is wrong with my forehead that shows wrinkle caused by negative emotions? and people don't want to look at me because of that something in my face that they cant look at to? I tried looking in the mirror and saw what they are seeing. I saw a problematic me. I also cannot look or stare at myself for so long because I was also feeling awkward looking at myself in the mirror. I just want to remove that something in my face so I can look at people without causing them to turn away. To give more example, even when in peripheral view, when I was in front of somebody friend or stranger, when I was looking at my laptop, I was really feeling awkward feeling that she or he might look at me and turn away again his her face. Going back to my 8th to 10th grade experience, on my 8th grade, I was able to remove that thing on my face by resting at the emergency room of the hospital for 3 days because it was so expensive getting a room. Just lying down. Staring at the wall. No looking at people. Just having my own world. I was also injected a dextrose. On my 9th grade, I was able to remove it on a fair at my school. I was just with my colleagues and I noticed that I already feel looking at people, friends and strangers, without feeling awkward, without making them turn away from my face. I can now stare. I can have eye contact as long as I want. Everything is nice. On my 10th grade, again in front of the mirror. When we are about to go to church, I looked at the mirror, feeling handsome, having eye contact with myself without feeling any bit of strange. It was good.
Before reaching 11th grade, when taking the entrance exam for my 11th grade more exactly, I can remember that I was not feeling okay already. Again, my problem visited me again. I noticed that yes, maybe I was able to tolerate that feeling as time passes by because of experience of it, irregularly, for a long time, but the thing is, why it doesn't disappear? What triggers that? Why is only me having that kind of problem? I once confided it to my friend and he cant understand it. It was out of this world problem. I searched the internet, then yeah, nada. No trace of my kind of problem. Fast forward, I was able to remove that thing again when I was with my friends at a resort and I felt nothing wrong again looking at people and I started staring at them again smoothly! No flaws. No hindrances. Just plain eye contacts, as long as I want, once again.
The start of the hardest part is the 12th grade. Because from then on, it has never leave me again. Maybe I was 18 in the 12th grade. I'm 22 now. It was straight 4 years of never ending pain. That "thing" or "feeling" was with me for 4 years straight. It's hard. You cant enjoy life because you cant go outside because you don't feel looking at people and them, looking at you, the feeling that they might just turn away from your face. I cant focus because I was disturbed by that thing. I felt really impaired right now. I must remove that thing again. And if possible, never let that return again. I want to have a free life. Free of this kind of problem. I want to experience the normal problems in life. I want to feel normal because I really feel that I'm mentally ill.
These are concrete examples of other problems attached to that thing:
1. I have to read a sentence twice because I was not focused for the first time
2. I will have to multiply the same numbers thrice because I was paranoid I have entered the wrong amounts for the first and second time.
3. lost of confidence at anything
4. paranoia that i cannot solve any problem because this problem which the world considers simple, i cannot solve
5. i want to be alone because i cant relate to what my friends are talking about because they are talking normal about the things in the world and i think im different so i cannot really do or consider their choices and options because i think im abnormal
Writing this helped me relieved a little bit. Thanks guys. I need your help. I want to be free. :)
Moving on to 7th grade, I experienced it again. That time, I didn't know what caused that "feeling" again but I was feeling anxious about everything: my mother passing away even if she's still 45 that time, healthy and got no problems, buying a not so expensive calculator but I was thinking that no money will be left for us after that purchase, and anything under the sun. I was confined in a hospital for a week because I felt so really depressed and I was not eating fine. I wanted to be alone every time. I don't want people to look at me because every time they look at me and me looking at them, I always feel that there's something that is really wrong. My turning point is when I saw myself in the hospital mirror slim and handsome. I felt I really looked good losing so much weight because of depression. I was okay after that and I was ready the go out of hospital. Then here comes again the 8th, 9th, and 10th grade. I was still experiencing it. Keep experiencing it. Almost once a year. Sometimes twice. Depressed then recovery. Cycle. Reasons just changed. From 8th to 10th grade, the reason of my anxiety is I felt something is wrong with my face. The feeling was the same but I was finding the cause of my feeling and I associated it with my face. I didn't want looking at people because every time I look at them, they turn away. I felt something is wrong with my forehead that shows wrinkle caused by negative emotions? and people don't want to look at me because of that something in my face that they cant look at to? I tried looking in the mirror and saw what they are seeing. I saw a problematic me. I also cannot look or stare at myself for so long because I was also feeling awkward looking at myself in the mirror. I just want to remove that something in my face so I can look at people without causing them to turn away. To give more example, even when in peripheral view, when I was in front of somebody friend or stranger, when I was looking at my laptop, I was really feeling awkward feeling that she or he might look at me and turn away again his her face. Going back to my 8th to 10th grade experience, on my 8th grade, I was able to remove that thing on my face by resting at the emergency room of the hospital for 3 days because it was so expensive getting a room. Just lying down. Staring at the wall. No looking at people. Just having my own world. I was also injected a dextrose. On my 9th grade, I was able to remove it on a fair at my school. I was just with my colleagues and I noticed that I already feel looking at people, friends and strangers, without feeling awkward, without making them turn away from my face. I can now stare. I can have eye contact as long as I want. Everything is nice. On my 10th grade, again in front of the mirror. When we are about to go to church, I looked at the mirror, feeling handsome, having eye contact with myself without feeling any bit of strange. It was good.
Before reaching 11th grade, when taking the entrance exam for my 11th grade more exactly, I can remember that I was not feeling okay already. Again, my problem visited me again. I noticed that yes, maybe I was able to tolerate that feeling as time passes by because of experience of it, irregularly, for a long time, but the thing is, why it doesn't disappear? What triggers that? Why is only me having that kind of problem? I once confided it to my friend and he cant understand it. It was out of this world problem. I searched the internet, then yeah, nada. No trace of my kind of problem. Fast forward, I was able to remove that thing again when I was with my friends at a resort and I felt nothing wrong again looking at people and I started staring at them again smoothly! No flaws. No hindrances. Just plain eye contacts, as long as I want, once again.
The start of the hardest part is the 12th grade. Because from then on, it has never leave me again. Maybe I was 18 in the 12th grade. I'm 22 now. It was straight 4 years of never ending pain. That "thing" or "feeling" was with me for 4 years straight. It's hard. You cant enjoy life because you cant go outside because you don't feel looking at people and them, looking at you, the feeling that they might just turn away from your face. I cant focus because I was disturbed by that thing. I felt really impaired right now. I must remove that thing again. And if possible, never let that return again. I want to have a free life. Free of this kind of problem. I want to experience the normal problems in life. I want to feel normal because I really feel that I'm mentally ill.
These are concrete examples of other problems attached to that thing:
1. I have to read a sentence twice because I was not focused for the first time
2. I will have to multiply the same numbers thrice because I was paranoid I have entered the wrong amounts for the first and second time.
3. lost of confidence at anything
4. paranoia that i cannot solve any problem because this problem which the world considers simple, i cannot solve
5. i want to be alone because i cant relate to what my friends are talking about because they are talking normal about the things in the world and i think im different so i cannot really do or consider their choices and options because i think im abnormal
Writing this helped me relieved a little bit. Thanks guys. I need your help. I want to be free. :)
