D
Deleted member 20978
I'm really in crisis and also having trouble with community right now. I am terrified of being banned though already feel ganged up on. I know some feel I am being disruptive, which I understand. So I'm wanting to post about me, about things surfacing. And my diary is getting flooded with separate parts, so starting a thread.
I grew up with my mom. Dad had me for some weekends and I got to know him more in my 20s but mom raised me as a kid.
She was finishing her PhD then working as assistant to pres of Harvard when I was little. I was a latchkey kid.
She moved us a lot. By high school I had lived in 7 towns in 3 states and it was my 6th school. I started getting bullied a lot by 5th grade, it got real bad by 8th grade. My friend in that town blew his brains out from all the bullying. I kept going. Developed severe OCD.
She threatened suicide for a while in 1st 2nd grade for me. Told me I was too needy and if I didn't get easier she'd kill herself.
In my teens she would yell at me and on rare occasion hit me. I hate always been grateful I did not endure much physical abuse, don't have that in me and have not been violent. She told me I had no friends because I was an asshole. She told me Bob dumped her because he hated me. Told me we had to move constantly because it's expensive raising a kid.
I moved out when I was 16. My dad leased a place so I could have some stability.
I was told at 18 my intelligence was so high that I'd never make it in the adult world, as my emotional troubles would never be treatable due to my IQ. I'm just reporting.
She said you're ruining Easter, had to be hauled away by cops while they pumped my stomach. I nearly did die. Sometimes think maybe I did, that I'm in purgatory or hell now. I woke up in a hospital April Fool's day. was locked up there 2 months, turned 19 in there.
Mom stalked my doctor to his home. They refus4d to release me to her custody. Dad gave up the house and I found myself homeless. Not great for a valedictorian.
Despite doc saying to mom that college would be a wasted investment for me, I got my degree in Psychology. Transferred to school where dad now taught to try to get to know him. Finished college at 27. Started working as a carpenter.
Mom has dementia. She is up and down. Her friends all believe the big stress in her life was having a mentally ill son, something she has always told me. I spent 2015 calling docs and overturning wrong diagnosis but meanwhile her friends put her in assisted living without my knowledge, where now her life savings are going fast.
It's April 1st.
I'm being finally evicted as new owner bought house and is clearing out to turn into condos. Haven't worked since April 2013, when Boston Marathon bombings tore my life apart.
Tried to visit mom today before I leave town. Can't stay here. I still get harassed sometimes for .. Read elsewhere. But also this town is all pain and loss, old energies. Anyway during visit her friends showed up to take her to get an MRI. said they had not been keeping me in the loop because didn't want to stress me. Have heard that so many times over last year, no matter how many times I try to get them to keep me in loop.
Mom didn't seem to know what's happening. She looks sad and lonely. She asked me if I could reach out to my dad. I reminded her he is dead. Died April, 2011. She asked me if I still talk to my ex, K.
I have spent so many years trying not to cry at wrong times. Trying to not project how alone I am, how much I had to raise myself with no siblings, no extended family, no home town, and ongoing abuse that was always invisible outside my home.
I married a sociopath. Clinically that's accurate. I yelled at her, relived my childhood. She lied, cheated, destroyed my name. She held me hostage threatening suicide, punished me if I tried to talk to her therapist or family. I yelled that she was abusive, that she was lying, that she was crazy. She started giving herself bruises and implying to people I was getting violent. We burned through tens of thousands both being treated for trauma after bombings. She left me in a mental hospital.
I have crawled out of impossible odds several times. Rebuilt. Made a career, saved lots of money, made new friends. As an adult I stopped moving when I could.
Now the world is gone, I'm just one.
Son, your life's an open book, don't close it 'fore it's done...
With women, I loosely group them into 2 categories as they relate to my experience. There are relatively well-adjusted ones who had loving families and no severe trauma. They last one date with me, if that. They do not remotely get why I'm as I am, don't want to know. I find them boring actually. Then there are crazy women. Who I seem to be drawn to because we relate. But two wrongs have yet to make a right.
I am not sex crazed or obsessed with women. However, men on their own are train wrecks or cads, in my experience. I'm more the former. I both do not want to repeat the mistake of marrying but also deeply wish for the support of a partner. If I keep playing the field, at some point I'll be a cad. Meanwhile, guy friends are good, but it is just not the same. Guys do not form support networks. They talk politics and sports and drink and smoke and if they get closer, maybe talk about women in earnest.
What's weird though is that I'm emotionally entangled easily. I envy people who are aloof, or even who can casually hook up, which sometimes would be nice, right? But me, I get drawn deeper and it's a mess. I have lost several couple friends due to tensions with wives, sometimes outright propositioning me, others becoming too chummy over time. Oops.
I am so lost in my existence. I feel like a freak, like damaged broken goods, like too much for anyone to handle. Communities always end up ousting me (though have not yet been forcibly lobotomized...). I seem only able to thrive when I keep moving, meeting new people. Relying on the kindness of strangers.
I want to try acting again. I was a natural, and it was fun. I'm losing the ability to focus, and at this point, switching into roles and understanding people is the only thing I seem consistently good at.
Anyway. The moral is, mom, you ruined my life. Sorry you're dying young, but you did always say your retirement plan was to die young.
I like me, but hate my existence.
Mother did it need to be so high?
I grew up with my mom. Dad had me for some weekends and I got to know him more in my 20s but mom raised me as a kid.
She was finishing her PhD then working as assistant to pres of Harvard when I was little. I was a latchkey kid.
She moved us a lot. By high school I had lived in 7 towns in 3 states and it was my 6th school. I started getting bullied a lot by 5th grade, it got real bad by 8th grade. My friend in that town blew his brains out from all the bullying. I kept going. Developed severe OCD.
She threatened suicide for a while in 1st 2nd grade for me. Told me I was too needy and if I didn't get easier she'd kill herself.
In my teens she would yell at me and on rare occasion hit me. I hate always been grateful I did not endure much physical abuse, don't have that in me and have not been violent. She told me I had no friends because I was an asshole. She told me Bob dumped her because he hated me. Told me we had to move constantly because it's expensive raising a kid.
I moved out when I was 16. My dad leased a place so I could have some stability.
I was told at 18 my intelligence was so high that I'd never make it in the adult world, as my emotional troubles would never be treatable due to my IQ. I'm just reporting.
She said you're ruining Easter, had to be hauled away by cops while they pumped my stomach. I nearly did die. Sometimes think maybe I did, that I'm in purgatory or hell now. I woke up in a hospital April Fool's day. was locked up there 2 months, turned 19 in there.
Mom stalked my doctor to his home. They refus4d to release me to her custody. Dad gave up the house and I found myself homeless. Not great for a valedictorian.
Despite doc saying to mom that college would be a wasted investment for me, I got my degree in Psychology. Transferred to school where dad now taught to try to get to know him. Finished college at 27. Started working as a carpenter.
Mom has dementia. She is up and down. Her friends all believe the big stress in her life was having a mentally ill son, something she has always told me. I spent 2015 calling docs and overturning wrong diagnosis but meanwhile her friends put her in assisted living without my knowledge, where now her life savings are going fast.
It's April 1st.
I'm being finally evicted as new owner bought house and is clearing out to turn into condos. Haven't worked since April 2013, when Boston Marathon bombings tore my life apart.
Tried to visit mom today before I leave town. Can't stay here. I still get harassed sometimes for .. Read elsewhere. But also this town is all pain and loss, old energies. Anyway during visit her friends showed up to take her to get an MRI. said they had not been keeping me in the loop because didn't want to stress me. Have heard that so many times over last year, no matter how many times I try to get them to keep me in loop.
Mom didn't seem to know what's happening. She looks sad and lonely. She asked me if I could reach out to my dad. I reminded her he is dead. Died April, 2011. She asked me if I still talk to my ex, K.
I have spent so many years trying not to cry at wrong times. Trying to not project how alone I am, how much I had to raise myself with no siblings, no extended family, no home town, and ongoing abuse that was always invisible outside my home.
I married a sociopath. Clinically that's accurate. I yelled at her, relived my childhood. She lied, cheated, destroyed my name. She held me hostage threatening suicide, punished me if I tried to talk to her therapist or family. I yelled that she was abusive, that she was lying, that she was crazy. She started giving herself bruises and implying to people I was getting violent. We burned through tens of thousands both being treated for trauma after bombings. She left me in a mental hospital.
I have crawled out of impossible odds several times. Rebuilt. Made a career, saved lots of money, made new friends. As an adult I stopped moving when I could.
Now the world is gone, I'm just one.
Son, your life's an open book, don't close it 'fore it's done...
With women, I loosely group them into 2 categories as they relate to my experience. There are relatively well-adjusted ones who had loving families and no severe trauma. They last one date with me, if that. They do not remotely get why I'm as I am, don't want to know. I find them boring actually. Then there are crazy women. Who I seem to be drawn to because we relate. But two wrongs have yet to make a right.
I am not sex crazed or obsessed with women. However, men on their own are train wrecks or cads, in my experience. I'm more the former. I both do not want to repeat the mistake of marrying but also deeply wish for the support of a partner. If I keep playing the field, at some point I'll be a cad. Meanwhile, guy friends are good, but it is just not the same. Guys do not form support networks. They talk politics and sports and drink and smoke and if they get closer, maybe talk about women in earnest.
What's weird though is that I'm emotionally entangled easily. I envy people who are aloof, or even who can casually hook up, which sometimes would be nice, right? But me, I get drawn deeper and it's a mess. I have lost several couple friends due to tensions with wives, sometimes outright propositioning me, others becoming too chummy over time. Oops.
I am so lost in my existence. I feel like a freak, like damaged broken goods, like too much for anyone to handle. Communities always end up ousting me (though have not yet been forcibly lobotomized...). I seem only able to thrive when I keep moving, meeting new people. Relying on the kindness of strangers.
I want to try acting again. I was a natural, and it was fun. I'm losing the ability to focus, and at this point, switching into roles and understanding people is the only thing I seem consistently good at.
Anyway. The moral is, mom, you ruined my life. Sorry you're dying young, but you did always say your retirement plan was to die young.
I like me, but hate my existence.
Mother did it need to be so high?
