My co worker killed himself

[Scarlet13]

I am having a difficult time with this because I cannot see my T as my husband is unemployed and he is going on job interviews.
This man was one who I really liked and hung out with on our staff. He was smart, funny, intelligent has a family.
He was passionate and I guess maybe really depressed underneath.
It just doesnt make sense.
I have struggled with SI in part to strong psych med reactions which is disconcerting to have a drug make you want to kill yourself. I also have struggled with si thoughts due to PTSD, when you face those memories, your brain just thinks, "f*ck it. Why am I alive?"
Because I cannot take drugs I have spent a lot of money just trying to stay alive and stay sane. I have learned about cognitive distortions which helps with hopelessness.
I called a hot line one time and it was great and thats what he did with me was look at cognitive distortions
So it just doesnt make sense even though it does because I have lived it.
I guess that my co worker did not see the cognitive distortions in his thoughts.
That his suffering could end, could pass, could get help.
Maybe he felt a lot of shame and did not get help.
Like I said, it was nerve wracking to call the suicidal hot line, but it was easy and immensly helpful.
I had another human being who cared, who brought me down to earth and told me that my suffering was not permanent.
So, I am struggling and can't stop thinking about this.
Moderators feel free to move this to the right place.

 

[Teamwork]

Virtual hugs to you. It is very difficult and what we in our hometown community are learning is that it is a more common thing to struggle with no matter who you are and where you work. We’ve had three police officers kill themselves in the past three months in Ontario, so the force is strongly working to bring better mental health services to the force. It’s being talked about a lot in the news. So in your workplace I hope they get talking about it. At the very least you have us here to talk to so make good use of us!

 

[Scarlet13]

I think thats a great idea thanks!

 

[Muttly]

I'm so sorry you are going through that. It is hard to lose someone through suicide. And I completely understand how it stirs up all kinds of emotions and thoughts when you have dealt with your own suicidal ideation. Keep talking here, call the suicide hotline if you need and give yourself lots of time and patience.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @Scarlet13 . :( :hug:

 

[Scarlet13]

I think I may do that, I just need to talk to some body about this.
You can call them even if you are not suicidal.
I just keep thinking about it and I don't get it.
I have even been suicidal lots of times.
So, it just doesn't make sense.
They are having a celebration of life.
There is a gofund me page.
This just makes me mad because it symbolizes the tragedy a tragedy he did, he made.
I worked with him.
It just doesnt make sense.
In my suicidal thought distortion, I thought people would feel less burdened with me gone.
In reality he has burdened his family that they need a gofund me page.
He had children.

 

[Teamwork]

I think I may do that, I just need to talk to some body about this.
You can call them even if you are not suicidal.
I just keep thinking about it and I don't get it.
I have even been suicidal lots of times.
So, it just doesn't make sense.
They are having a celebration of life.
There is a gofund me page.
This just makes me mad because it symbolizes the tragedy a tragedy he did, he made.
I worked with him.
It just doesnt make sense.
In my suicidal thought distortion, I thought people would feel less burdened with me gone.
In reality he has burdened his family that they need a gofund me page.
He had children.

True, it makes no sense to you, but it did to him. at a persons lowest they can believe many things that range from people would be better off without me to, they will be fine. I befriended someone online last year and we talked a lot. He was in a cpstd forum. One day he didn’t answer, no big deal. Around his birthday I sent him a message no answer. Then i think i went to his page on fb and saw his funeral announcement. I was stunned. So i searched up his brother and he sent me, sorry he committed suicide. Didn’t see it coming. This guy cheered me on, we talked weekly, then boom he was gone and I will never know why, considering all the pep talks he gave me.

 

[Scarlet13]

This is horrible, the suicide hot line hung up on me.
I just wanted somebody to talk to about it so I called the suicide hot line and I waited for 6 mins then the recorder said,
"You have been kicked from this conference."
So I tried again and I kept waiting and they were saying "you are next in line after 15 secs" and then it would start all over with another 4 min hold, this happened like 3 times.
Logically I get it, they are understaffed.
But this is triggering to me and I am not suicidal but emotionally distressed.
What if this is what happened to my co worker?
What if he tried to get help but they hung up on him?

It is extremely hard to get help apparantly and now I feel worse.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi Scarlet I think you need to practice some containment.
I understand why you are finding what has happened difficult but remember this isn't about you. Though you feel effected.
You don't know & probably will never know why he committed suicide.
You are not responsible for his actions.
You cannot read his or anyone else's mind's so you could not foresee or prevent him from doing this.
That it does not make sense? Is ok!
I feel your frustration that you fight so hard to live & he does this apparently without thought. But you don't know what he thought or what he fought.

His family will cope. They will struggle for sure and it's ok to feel sad for them.
You may want to let someone who knows you very well & understands suicide know that this has happened.
Suicide has a contagion phenomena associated with it. Be wary. Ring that hotline or possibly another mental health hotline if this all starts to crowd in on you. Keep ringing till you get through. Stay in contact here.
I think you are feeling some shock - that is normal bc you knew this guy. It's not remote, it's personal. So please take care. And I'm sorry you are living through this. :hug:

 

[hithere]

i am so sorry.

 

[Scarlet13]

I am practicing containment.
I just don't think the suicide hot line should hang up on people.

 

[blackemerald1]

I agree completely - I'm sorry if I didn't say that. Unfortunately these services are understaffed, over worked & very much in demand. And, they are doing the best they can. Keep calling :hug: