My daughter's suicide: thoughts about blame have destroyed my life

[ellzeena]

In March 2011, my 23 yo daughter, only child and love of my life, suffering diagnosed schizoaffective, ended her life. She got away from me that day seeming in a better frame of mind in a rapidly developing serious illness. Psychiatrist told me she might never be able to live independently so to give her freedom if she wanted to do things independently. I had a Spyware on her PC and that morning I saw she had watched a questionable video involving a firearm but it just didn't stick, my mind rationalized it. Tragically, I gave her the keys to her Jeep so she could go shopping for an electric blanket. For 3 years I've b been in trauma therapy trying to overcome the certainty that god gave me that video to stop her and I failed. I had a colonoscopy yesterday and it disrupted me emotionally, I can't handle health scary stuff to begin with from childhood serious pneumonia I a and my mother's personality disorder. I just had a horrific nightmare, it's 6am the day after the procedure. My life is destroyed from losing her and I didn't want to wake from the propofol. Except for my therapist, I have no one. The PTSD has totally become a monster. I lost my f a with in god, if it exists I hate it for doing this to her and to me. 50 minutes a week with my therapist isn't enough. I'm old now, I was 40 when I had her, but I'm in excellent health and terrified to age alone. My world view is someone else's, I've lost my self, I don't kn I w who I am and I don't care.

 

[abovedown]

I am sorry for your loss @ellzeena ! Welcome to Forum and hopefully you find help here

 

[arfie]

hello ellzeena. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

my youngest son and his wife were killed in a fatal car wreck in september, 2019. try as i might, i can't seem to stop myself from "going there" on the wandering wonders of the tragic loss. their marriage was deeply troubled at the time of the accident and my mind keeps wandering over those details i can never know. was it vehicular suicide? was he answering a text to me when the accident happened? were they fighting so viciously that? ? ? round and round i go, where it stops, nobody knows. ouchus maximus. 5 years later and i still have to pull myself out of that quagmire on a distressingly routine basis.

empathy and healing hopes on the plight. maybe we can help each other through. welcome aboard.

you are not alone.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @ellzeena so sorry for what your dealing with and the reasons that brought you here but glad you found us.

Unload on us, we're hear to listen and help.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter in such tragic circumstances.

 

[Realsick]

In March 2011, my 23 yo daughter, only child and love of my life, suffering diagnosed schizoaffective, ended her life. She got away from me that day seeming in a better frame of mind in a rapidly developing serious illness. Psychiatrist told me she might never be able to live independently so to give her freedom if she wanted to do things independently. I had a Spyware on her PC and that morning I saw she had watched a questionable video involving a firearm but it just didn't stick, my mind rationalized it. Tragically, I gave her the keys to her Jeep so she could go shopping for an electric blanket. For 3 years I've b been in trauma therapy trying to overcome the certainty that god gave me that video to stop her and I failed. I had a colonoscopy yesterday and it disrupted me emotionally, I can't handle health scary stuff to begin with from childhood serious pneumonia I an and my mother's personality disorder. I just had a horrific nightmare, it's 6am the day after the procedure. My life is destroyed from losing her and I didn't want to wake from the propofol. Except for my therapist, I have no one. The PTSD has totally become a monster. I lost my f a with in god, if it exists I hate it for doing this to her and to me. 50 minutes a week with my therapist isn't enough. I'm old now, I was 40 when I had her, but I'm in excellent health and terrified to age alone. My world view is someone else's, I've lost my self, I don't kn I w who I am and I don't care.

May whatever good is in the universe find you my friend