My Deepest And Darkest Secret.

[Healing Reins]

@seedling can I message you?

 

[y5L]

I'm so sorry you had to make that choice. No one ever should be faced with that kind of decision- especially not at such a young age.

You made the best choice you could at the time with what you knew and where you were at.

And while you can't change what happened then, you do have a choice now. Many choices, actually. I'll just bring up one, though. Since you mentioned your faith yourself, I hope you don't mind me mentioning God here. You have the choice to let these bad feelings isolate you from your God or to bring your feelings before him and let him be with you in them and let him carry you through them.

It's a choice we all have at some point- let our feelings isolate us or allow others to support us in them. It could be God, other people, a fluffy puppy, a therapist, even my own self. If I've learned anything it's that isolation is not the answer!

 

[Healing Reins]

@y5L I want to tell my youth group leader, but I'm scared about how she will take it. she might take it very badly and I will feel terrible if she takes it bad.

 

[a3a2]

I know this may sound like a really crazy place to send you for help, but crisis pregnancy centers offer post abortive counseling. And I highly doubt they will stand in judgment of you. Most of the women who run them have had abortions, and want to help young women deal with the pain they have dealt with.

As a Christian myself, I can assure you that God has a great love for you and wants to heal you. My husband actually performs memorial services for post abortive women who mourn the loss of their child, in order to provide healing and closure.

I am so sorry, H.R. that you were raped and that you felt such lack of support. I pray you find healing. I hope we here on the forum can help you with it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I honestly don't think that God would expect you to relive the trauma for nine months+ while you carry your rapists child, and then have to go through the pain of either raising the child and seeing your rapists face every day through the child, or having to go through the pain of giving up the child you bore. You had a tough decision to make, and you made the best decision for you. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. Nobody here is judging you, and we all support you. If anything, I'd say God is pissed at the rapist, as children should be brought into this world through an act of love, not one of hatred or power. Throw the blame back on your rapist. He is the one who raped you, he is the one who got you pregnant, and he is the one who forced you to make an extremely difficult decision, one which has no perfect ending.

 

[Healing Reins]

I'm just kind of jealous that she is keeping her baby....I don't know. That probably doesn't make any sense

 

[Healing Reins]

This is strange, but I miss the baby. I wish I didn't abort it. Maybe it's because she's pregnant or something, I don't know, but I miss it.

 

[Suzetig]

That makes a lot of sense to me. If your pregnancy hasn't been the outcome of rape, you might have made a different decision (though possibly not). I can imagine that seeing someone now going through the stages of pregnancy that your weren't able to would make you think all kinds of "if only" thoughts, it's natural to feel that way. It doesn't mean you made the wrong decision or that there's anything wrong with you, just that you wish things had been different - and who wouldn't.

You made a very hard decision at a young age when you were very vulnerable, it's ok to have feelings about it now. I'd echo the suggestion that you see a crisis pregnancy counsellor who can help you sort through some of your feelings. Grace and peace to you.

 

[blackswan]

I found seeing pregnant friends and friends' babies hugely upsetting for about 3 years after my abortion. I definitely understand how confusing, disorientating and just plain heart-wrenchingly painful seeing friends being pregnant and happy can be! For myself, and I know that I made the 100% right decision to have an abortion, it opened a gaping hole of grief every time. Disenfranchised grief though, cause I hadn't lost anything except possibilities... the best way I can describe it is imagining how it feels to prepare to be given a heavy object, and then never being given that object but always physically waiting for it... it's a weird, sad, empty feeling :(

It gets easier though. Much, much easier. The first time caught me by complete surprise but it got less and less painful, until now what I feel is 99% happy for my friend and only 1% sad for my never-child.

For myself, I acted out of love for myself and my future children because all our lives would have been incredibly incredibly hard if I'd had a baby at that point in my life. I still get a little jealous when I see big pregnant bellies, but I know I'm fertile and that the right time will come.

Definitely find someone who you feel comfortable talking to about how you're feeling right now. It helps. A lot. In the interim, know that you're not alone in how you're feeling :)


Also, in Australia we have the concept of a Mature Minor. If you're over 14 and demonstrate the ability to understand the risks and benefits of counselling you have the right to consent yourself and for confidentiality to be maintained, even with your parents. If you have a counsellor already it might be worth checking in with them about what the limits of your confidentiality are, because they may not be legally allowed to share things with your parents without your express written consent. Wishing you luck!

 

[honeypie058]

Hi, I am new and this is my first post. I just want you to know that you are not alone with your situation. One of my first trauma experiences was being raped and I made the same decision to not go through the pregnancy. You are so brave to share the experience on this forum. Thank you for that. I can relate to the feelings from afterwards. It was one of hardest things to go through. Thank you again for sharing.

 

[shimmerz]

@Healing Reins I feel like you are in the midst of what I call the conflict of trauma. A place where your morals and values don't jive with what you morally feel was right but you were put in a position where you had to make a choice that went against what you believe in. Conception after rape throws a corks screw into what you would normally. Having a baby would usually be a happy thing. In your situation it would lead to a very hard decision to make. I can't imagine how it would feel.

The conflicted emotions may well be coming up because you are seeing a different aspect of having a baby being born into a loving relationship. I am so sorry for all of this for you. Maybe now is your time to work through these emotions. I am concerned that you need to keep it a secret and am wondering if is @Bronswan suggested, you can alternatives for speaking to someone. Someone who won't pass judgement, and that is not involved with you personally but will help you to work through these emotions and help you come to some form or resolution as to the value of having made the decision that you did.

@honeypie058 welcome to the forum!

 

[Soli]

One of my best friends had to make the same very painful, difficult decision that you did. I just want to tell you that later in life, she found a great guy and had four beautiful children. She grieved as you did. I think you were in one of the most difficult situations imaginable. And it's still difficult. But not hopeless. And,unfortunately you can't control others' reactions to your decision. But, you can show yourself the same kindness and compassion that you would show your friend, if she had had to make the same decision you did. It's not the same, what her pregnancy will hopefully be and what yours would have been like. You deserve to become a mother under the best circumstances, if/when you decide you want to be a mom. Now is hard, but I'm hopeful for your future.