My Degree

[risingsun]

I have two and a half months to finish my PhD and I only have two chapters left out of six. I feel so so overwhelmed. I have a committee of five, but feel like I have no support at all. My mom is the only one that will ever truly know what it took me to get to this point, but I feel like I am going to let her down. She is the only one that never forgot who I was beyond PTSD.

I hope I can finish. I wish my advisor was different but she is who she is. I wish I had told her from the beginning that I have clinical depression/PTSD but she is not the personal type that really cares "who" I really am. I feel so stressed out. I feel so lonely in this process. I have to believe that I can finish. I feel like I am crawling to this finish line. Dear Universe, please grant me the strength. After all the classes, the oral and written exams, the research, and chapters one through four, I am utterly exhausted. I have to try and reach down into the depths of "me" and finish this with all the strength I have in me. I wish I was not so stressed. I wish I was not feeling so depressed. I wish I wasn't dwelling in the land of "I should have done this" or "I should have done that" in terms of my daily progress. Rising Sun.

 

[Springer80]

Do you have a student support centre, counselling centre? I think you should go and talk to them see if you can get some support and understanding. Don't let it get right up to the crunch point.

I understand how this is. I was doing a post grad, not nearly as intensive as a phd but I was working full time, my relationship with my fiancé broke down, I carried all the responsibility for running the house and I was going through major issues in therapy about my mum and my health was failing badly. I just tried to push myself and I did it only just, but it was hell and I totally collapsed in on myself after I finished.

Go and get some advice. If you don't have a student support/counselling centre perhaps you have a chaplain? I'm not religious but anyone who is university based but not attached to your committee. Then after that see if they can support you in approaching yor committee? Pick the nicest member.

I think you need to talk about the possible provision of an extension.

Talk to you regular/personal therapist too if you have one.

 

[Springer80]

Also, this is just a thought, your department will have an admissions office that deals with the legal academic protocol. Can you see if they have any forms regarding extenuating circumstances. Can you get one just to see what it's like? Could you have a go at filling one in, just as an exercise?

Also speak to your mum. You sound like you have a good relationship. Yes she knows who and what you are without ptsd but you do have it and I suspect that neither would she want you to push yourself so hard that you end up having a physiological breakdown and or chronic fatigue. What good will your phd do if it takes you years to recover? I'm not saying it wouldn't be an achievement in itself or that it's academic value would depreciate if you couldn't capitalise on it after it was awarded but in order for you to benefit personally you need to be well. If the process costs you your health is it worth it?

 

[Springer80]

What about a post graduate tutor in the psychology department?

 

[littlelostchild]

I agree with @Springer80 , my only other thought is that PTSD is a medical disability. Here at Canadian universities we have special supports for those worth disabilities if they choose to access them. It is a legal right. You should have something similar at your university.

 

[Eleanor]

Two things:
First, the way out of overwhelm is to take one thing at a time. If you haven't read Annie Lamott's little story about this (the moral is "bird by bird") it may help. Don't catastrophize or get out in front of yourself. Just focus on writing one true sentence at a time. Just the one.

Second, You definitely have "extenuating circumstances." And it would be a matter of course for a U.S. university to grant you extra time given your disability. In fact, it would be illegal not to. I don't know the law in the U.K., but assuming nothing, unless the academics at your U are all total assholes, they are very likely to grant you an extension if you petition. You should include a letter from your M.D. and any therapist you have in support of the petition.

If rational arguments help you out I can give you good ones against using the concepts of "should" and "ought to have" in this context. In brief they are conceptually incoherent uses and are mentally and emotionally damaging. (I know this, having been there, done that and gotten the T-shirt. Several T-shirts in fact.)

Breathe!! Sit up straight. Look slightly up and BREATHE. Then write a true sentence. Just one. Repeat. In this way, dissertations get written. One sentence at a time.

Also, hire an editor. It is not cheating. So long as you supply the content. Get what you know down on paper. You KNOW this stuff, yes? It is just a question of communicating it to others. Reframe it as you teaching your committee and the world something they don't know/haven't sufficiently considered. It doesn't have to be huge or earth shattering, just what you have to contribute from where you sit. THAT is the important bit. The bit that is just from you. And you almost can't fail to do that, even if you try not to. This is not a test. This is you helping out the world of knowers. Just a little bit. But adding your two cents.

Now, Go Get 'Em!

 

[Eleanor]

Annie Lamott's essay helpfully posted on the Internet. God Bless Annie Lamott.

Dead Link Removed

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I always like the idea of baby steps- little goals and little rewards, too. If you have one month to get this done, then that is about 4 weeks. That means 2 weeks per chapter. And if each chapter is say 28 pages (because that makes my math easier), then that is 2 pages per day. That seems more manageable than 2 chapters. Also you could say, I will work for one hour and after that I get to (insert favorite calming/enjoyable activity here). And if you fail to meet one of your little goals, that's okay. I always tell my students that the goals are what we hope happens, but if we have been working and fail to meet our goal, then we re-adjust and try again. I certainly don't follow my own advice all the time, but it helps when I do. Good luck and please try to breathe and believe- breathe in goodness and believe that you can do this.

 

[marylouise]

Please know, every single person I've ever known who has done a PhD regardless of their mental health status has reported to me that they went through what you're describing! It takes enormous persistence and faith to finish something so hard. You've already done so much, and now just have to finish the last two chapters. I'd guess that your proven ability to push through PTSD and anxiety mean that perseverance is part of your character. That - and taking things one day at a time, as other posters have suggested - will get you through!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can see this pressure on you is exhausting and shouding yourself is a great harm you are only adding more pressure onto you and you do not need this.

You are so amazing to have accomplished so much and are almost done. The above suggestions are really good ones, but get the documentation first. Do baby steps definitely. You are almost done and I have heard that it is always darkest before the dawn.

But you can take good care of yourself going through these last steps and get any kind of break that you can so you do not collapse after it is all over.

Do whatever it takes to get the pressure off of you. I wish you the best and congratulations.

 

[RussH]

All I can say is I am rooting for you to finish, and then see you post it in the accomplishments and success forum.

 

[risingsun]

All I can say is I am rooting for you to finish, and then see you post it in the accomplishments and success forum

I want to thank all of you for you suggestions, support and encouragement. I realize I have come too far to let PTSD get in my way. I will finish this. I will post this Russ in the Accomplishments Section. It's time for me to run into my destiny and let nothing stop me.

You are almost done and I have heard that it is always darkest before the dawn.

I do believe that my dawn is closer than I think and I cannot wait to reach that. That is enough to motivate me toward this completion. Freedom and Healing await me. Warmest to all of you, Rising Sun.