General My Doctor-- This Is Pretty Uncalled For

[azul]

Alright so, hi guys. I'm new here. I'm here for my girlfriend. I put my introduction up. Hi.

Uh. Okay, so, I'm in treatment for BPD, and my doctor is a very nice lady. I like her.

I just don't like what she says about my girlfriend.

I've told her about episodes, and how they hurt, what specifically hurt me the most, because she probably needs to know, as she's my doctor. I spoke about how much I love my girlfriend, and I do every time I see her. I tell her that I'm proud of her, etc, etc.

Today, we were speaking about personality types-- like I'm an INFJ and my girlfriend is an ISTJ, as is my mother. I mentioned them, and that my mother doesn't care for her and I was going to go on and rant about that(my mother is one of the sources of my problems as well) and she said, "I don't like her sometimes, either." That took me off guard. She said she cares that she hurts me, and that is why. I told her that she's taking steps to make herself better and she wants to be better because she loves me, and I'm proud of her.

But the more I think about it, the more it makes me terribly angry.

I told my girlfriend about it, and she was very hurt. She had to leave for a while.

I mean, I blame myself for this, as I always blame myself for everything, but I think what I was doing was very innocent, and she did not need to reply with that. Her episodes hurt her as well. This whole illness hurts her to her very core and I don't need people who don't even know her making her feel terrible.

I did call my doctor and tell her not to pass judgement on her like that, and said it made me feel uncomfortable, and she said alright, and that I must care about her a lot. I do. I do, and I don't want my doctor to make me uncomfortable or angry.

I just wanted to see if you guys thought the same way that I am, and I wanted to rant.

 

[azul]

What I meant to say is that I tell my therapist that my girlfriend says things to hurt me during her episodes (when I stay) and I tell her what she says when it hurts the most, like when something cuts me deeply. She says terrible things during her episodes, but I know she doesn't mean them. They still hurt, though, which is why I need to learn how to walk away for a little while. But, as I said, I tend to think it's better if I stay. So, my therapist knows some of the stuff she's said that hurt me, and thus has marked her as abusive. I have this gut feeling that she doesn't understand PTSD. I think I understand it more than she does, and I want to learn more. She's not abusive-- granted, some of the other instances that we're both confused about have been verbally abusive-- but she wants it to stop and is going to try some things. That's what I meant to say in the above post. I was more desperate for feedback and I didn't type out the whole story.

 

[Srain]

Welcome Azul,

I'm trying to understand your post so forgive me if I get it wrong. Has your GF been in to therapy with you?

I can understand you feeling the way you do because I am very protective of my loved ones as well and if I feel like I have not explained things well then I feel responsible.

Perhaps a couple's therapy would be more helpful, this can help your therapist or you discuss the issues you may be having such as her not understanding the PTSD. I plan on having my husband come in to see my tdoc to see how he can better "approach" me when I'm not doing so well, for a clearer/better understanding of just how certain words or situations can be hurtful.

(I hope this is somewhat helpful for you-forgive me, I'm still a bit fuzzy from my therapy yesterday)

peace,
Rain

 

[azul]

Unfortunately, we're not in the same state to participate in couple's therapy. That would be wonderful. All my tdoc knows about her is what I've told her, and she seems to want to dwell on the parts that cause me pain, because she cares that I'm being hurt, she says. It's not ... I don't know, but her comments make me feel uncomfortable, and I don't like it.

But thank you for the idea! I'll definitely think about it and bring it up with her. We have plans to move in together within the next year, so, I think that's a very good idea.

 

[mamachick]

Welcome azul and glad you found your way here. Your therapist's job is to help you. She can not help your gf, she has to get her own therapist. Your therapist is interested in helping you to be the healthiest possible and enhance your life. If someone is saying mean things to you and hurting you-how will that enhance your life and well being? That is abuse...It does not matter if the person is suffering from a mental illness. You say that you know she doesnt mean it but it has an affect on you-it makes you sad and hurt.

If I understood you, you said that you told your gf what the T said and that upset her-so she left for awhile(time-out).

Thats ok-thats what people do, they get upset and take a time out. That is managing their emotions. Its ok for gf to feel bad about her bad behavior and the T not approving of it.

Good therapy will make you feel uncomfortable at times. You are being challenged and that is a good thing at times. Often people being verbally abused stop telling others because they dont want the criticism on their partner or self for staying. Keep talking to your T and telling the truth about how it is going. We all must take responsibility for our emotions without abusing our loved ones.

<Full line spaces inserted between paragraphs, by Amethist>

 

[ISupportHer]

azul,

Hi and welcome! Is your icon Iggy Pop? Just was curious about any meaning, LOL. Some member's have such wonderful thought behind user names and avatars. I change mine on a whim, LOL

Just wanted to point out what may already be obvious to you. I don't know your history, of course, but any issues you have with your GF will compound when you move in together. Just saying I hope you can work things out, that's all.

ISH

 

[doglover]

Welcome, azul!

Your girlfriend may have PTSD, and it sounds like you care about her a great deal.

If she has PTSD, or if she doesn't, verbal abuse is verbal abuse. If she needs space and you want to stay, she is more likely to try to make you leave with mean words. Have you tried listening when she wants space to see if that helps with the mean words?

I'd be upset if my therapist said something unkind about a loved one, also. But the fact of it is, your girlfriend is still responsible for the impact of her words even if she has PTSD. One of the members here said she sometimes tells her husband, "I'm feeling a little toxic and I need some space right now." Maybe your girlfriend could use something like that to warn you when she might say mean things. But then you'd need to act on it, as well.

I think your therapist was honest, and wants you to be as happy as possible. I can understand if your therapist's point was unpleasant for you.

 

[IvyMillie]

That's nice of you to be so protective of your GF. I think that you are really trying to understand PTSD which is really good. Sometimes we do have to try hard not to take things personally.

It seems like you and she need to figure out a plan of when she has one of her episodes what would be the best thing to do. Maybe she does want her space. It's really hard depending on people's backgrounds not to say mean things to other people even if it is one of her episodes. Words do tend to stay with us.

I think Therapists are just people too--I don't think they have all the answers. However, I think it would be good if you felt more comfortable with your Therapist. I get the feeling that you aren't.

Every relationship has to work things out to minimize the hurt to each other. It's good that you are so understanding. However, it would also help your girlfriend to find ways besides saying mean things to you to cope herself. You don't want to enable her. However, your option might be to just walk away and let her cool down.

In dealing with PTSD it is really hard and I'm sure she is so grateful and glad to have you on her side. As much as you both love each other it's probably just a matter of time till you work it out.

 

[mamachick]

Hi Azul. I just read all these responses. There are so many good points that I did not think about as well. Has your gf been diagnosed with ptsd? Is she getting treatment where she lives? You also said that you are in BPD treatment-how long have you been seeing this therapist and what other treatment if any are you participating in?

I agree with Ivy about therapist-they are just human-they have many roles before becoming a therapist-such as being a friend. A friend will share their opinion openly when they see you being hurt. I have been in an abusive relationship. I have had friends say "I love you, but I dont like him and do not want to be around him" because of things that he has said or did to me. I could not be mad at my friend for that. She was protecting herself and me. She was unwilling to expose herself to the feelings that he provoked. I had to questeion why I was not protecting myself and allowing this.

I hope that you talk this out with your therapist and keep seeing her. I can see how her words hurt you and hope at you look at the situation from all perspectives.