My emotional armour has battle damage

[Glo809]

Greetings
A month or so ago a squirrel got hit right in front of me, the fall out from that event was like being body slammed onto a concrete floor.

The other day while on the road a chipmunk got hit by the car infront of me and probably had its frpnt shoulder crushed, but the agony it displayed was an awful sight to see and I was about 4 seconds behind the event and the image has been seared into my mind.

For the next hour that scene was on a continuous loop and it hurt so much, as I'm writing this I feel the familiar feeling of heading down the drain again.

I hope sharing this helps, thanks
G

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I struggle in bouncing back from sights like that, too. Big time. I often speak out loud, "Rest in power sweet being", as I apologize to it for the painful experience I just witnessed, often saying that the human didn't mean to do it, it was just an accident.

I also struggle with sights unseen as far as animals go...especially livestock...where the humans DO mean to do it...simply by knowing what their fate is. I have to pull over rather often to gather myself enough to make it back home.

Not sure I have any advice that can make it easier to deal with, other than ramping up and increasing the frequency of whatever tried and true self-care techniques you use that you already know genuinely help you. You and the animals aren't alone in your suffering. Heart hugs headed your way.

 

[Glo809]

Seems that this episode has pushed me back into the darker side.

My work travels have me scanning the roadway as if there are snipers hidden in the berms just waiting to attack me.

When will I find any type of peace of mind......
G

 

[Glo809]

Greetings
Last night 2 AM

Saw a young deer and slowed down and started tapping the horn, it was confused and finally went into the corn field.

about 10 minutes later, caught a glimpse if low eye reflection and start to slow down, turns out to be two young raccoons and I come to a stop.

They were confused as to what to do, and it was a light hearted scene, but they finally got out of the road.

Then after a bit I started to think about how I would feel if I just zoomed down the road and hit them.........

Well down the drain I went, ended up calling the VA hotline because so many memories were flooding my mind.

As I said before, my amour is almost non existent these days, I have an appt with the county veteran's administer to start VA paperwork, they have mentioned that my suicide attempt pushes me to the front of the line for services, but gov't services are still not a tomorrow appointment.

The Mrs. and I agreed to have me keep her informed when these depths of depression happen, no matter how short the event is.


G

 

[Glo809]

Greetings

It seems that the Mrs. is circling her own drain... this afternoon she said she needed to get out of the house and was going for a drive.

I do not have a problem with this because I do the same thing, I have a route to follow roads that are one lane paved roads and 30mph is too fast travel them, the benefit is that you are paying attention to the road, but you are in a ever changing environment and the opportunity to reflect deeply is very ample this time of year when, when the crops are growing.

Today I have been researching what was said during my VA hotline conversation, as mentioned in another post, the term impulsive seems to be a key word of action when dealing with someone who is in this frame of mind.

Am I cured and on easy street???? NO!! Not even close.... but I am much more well informed on as to why I am a part of this thread and what I might impart to others who are reading this..... and wondering what to do...

The drain is always near no matter where I go, should the need arise that the drain looks like the only way to achieve peace of mind.

I'll have to remember to read my own posts on this site.

Still here. G

 

[Vee]

I have been triggered by road kill before. I have also been triggered by a trash pile in an abandoned lot on the road-adjacent side of a fence (Each time I drove past it, I thought it was a dead body.) I feel where you are at with this. It is not easy...especially because I'm in the car alone, driving to/from work, and it's easy for my brain to go down the spiral, like yours. I can commiserate. I think what helps me the most is talking to my therapist and I've discussed this in group therapy before. I have to acknowledge to myself that yes, these things remind me that no one is ever 100% safe in life, but dealing with the uncertainty of life is part of living.