I was in an abusive relationship with a slightly older man from age 17-24. My therapist knows the very basics but I'm not ready to go into more detail yet. He was physically, sexually, financially and psychologically abusive and I'm still trying to wrap my head around some of his mind games and manipulation.
I could just do with getting this out...
Initially he portrayed himself as a refuge, a rescuer, and I confided things in him, and he used them against me. He asked a lot of intrusive questions and I stupidly got sucked into answering.
If I didn't want to do something (like sleep with him instead of writing an important assignment) he would rant about how I didn't say no to childhood sexual abuse (by a family member, which he knew I blamed myself for) but I'd say no to him so I obviously didn't think much of him.
He knew I had also been raped and assaulted by my previous boyfriend. He complained that I seemed to open my legs so easily for everyone except him, I obviously didn't love him, etc.
He didn't like me saying no to things I'd 'let' abusers do in the past, he seemed to think he had a right to do them because someone else had. He also made comments about how I seemed to say no so easily, implying that I wasn't really raped.
I tried to break up with him once and ended up doing a guilt-ridden backtrack. My ex decided he wanted to hit me on my bare backside with a belt (which my dad did to me until my early teens) to make up for me hurting him. He said some horrible, shaming things about how I'd probably like it anyway. I didn't want him to. He asked why I would get my ____ out for my dad and not for him, which is just so totally messed up obviously as I didn't want to strip for my dad's beatings, I was forced to.
He started beating and spanking me if I said no to sex. He said I loved it really as I was turned on by consensual spanking. (He used to shame me over that and tell me how twisted it was to be turned on by something my dad did to me, basically preying on my existing feelings of shame. He used to touch me and then humiliate me for being turned on.)
I tried to avoid saying no to him, but I couldn't as he seemingly always picked the worst times, which he presumably did on purpose. Once he kept me up almost all night before an exam. It was all power and control really, more than anything, I guess.
I could just do with getting this out...
Initially he portrayed himself as a refuge, a rescuer, and I confided things in him, and he used them against me. He asked a lot of intrusive questions and I stupidly got sucked into answering.
If I didn't want to do something (like sleep with him instead of writing an important assignment) he would rant about how I didn't say no to childhood sexual abuse (by a family member, which he knew I blamed myself for) but I'd say no to him so I obviously didn't think much of him.
He knew I had also been raped and assaulted by my previous boyfriend. He complained that I seemed to open my legs so easily for everyone except him, I obviously didn't love him, etc.
He didn't like me saying no to things I'd 'let' abusers do in the past, he seemed to think he had a right to do them because someone else had. He also made comments about how I seemed to say no so easily, implying that I wasn't really raped.
I tried to break up with him once and ended up doing a guilt-ridden backtrack. My ex decided he wanted to hit me on my bare backside with a belt (which my dad did to me until my early teens) to make up for me hurting him. He said some horrible, shaming things about how I'd probably like it anyway. I didn't want him to. He asked why I would get my ____ out for my dad and not for him, which is just so totally messed up obviously as I didn't want to strip for my dad's beatings, I was forced to.
He started beating and spanking me if I said no to sex. He said I loved it really as I was turned on by consensual spanking. (He used to shame me over that and tell me how twisted it was to be turned on by something my dad did to me, basically preying on my existing feelings of shame. He used to touch me and then humiliate me for being turned on.)
I tried to avoid saying no to him, but I couldn't as he seemingly always picked the worst times, which he presumably did on purpose. Once he kept me up almost all night before an exam. It was all power and control really, more than anything, I guess.
