ASongToPassTheTime
New Here
I feel a little guilty posting this here because I don't actually know if it counts. I know that my story isn't nearly as painful as those of many other people. I think that is something I am having trouble with. I don't even think it was sexual assault. But it happened a year ago and I still think about it, it still upsets me, and I still am very uncomfortable with the idea of anyone touching me sexually. It upset me so much but I feel like it shouldn't because what I went through was nothing compared to many others. But because it's been bothering me I wanted to share my story (I've only ever told 2 people, as you'll see in a second) and I didn't know who to talk to, but I found this site and figured I'd give it a go.
Last year (April of 2011) I was a Junior in college, I was going through a difficult patch in life because of something completely different and was drinking more than I should to deal with it. One night I ended up making out with a guy from one of my classes, (I'm going to just call him Joe) just making out, nothing else. I was drunk at the time and would never have done anything with him otherwise, he started kissing me and I stopped him pretty early on telling him that I didn't want to do that and left. The next day he commented on what had happened and said that he was interested in me. I told him that it was a one-time thing and that I just wanted to be friends. He started constantly texting me and getting angry when I didn't reply right away. If I didn't text him back within (seriously) 5 minutes he would start sending messages asking me why i was avoiding him and why I was acting weird. Joe was getting very over the top and so every time during the following week when he asked me to come over I refused.
But that one Friday I again got really drunk with a group of friends. I don't remember a lot about that night past a certain point. But I do know that I was hanging out with a group of people on the porch of their dorm and at some point Joe joined us. I remember that he kept hitting my butt and trying to kiss me, I remember that I kept telling him to stop but at some point I gave in and was kissing him back. We were drinking with the group for a couple hours and then at one point I ended up with Joe in his room (later I found out from one of the other people who was there that night that I went with him to get more alcohol) I remember there was a movie on in his room, and I remember him locking his door and that him doing that made me very anxious (Out of the whole thing, for some reason I remember that the most) I don't remember what lead up to it, but I do remember that at some point in the night he was holding me down on the bed (not using much force though, he didn't have to, I was practically passed out) and fingering me. I remember that I really didn't want him to do that. I am a compulsive drunk texter and checked my sent messages the next morning to see what I had said to people, I had texted a friend while I was in Joe's room (and I am fixing the spelling here, my drunk texting was barely legible) "please help me" and then "Can you come get me from Joe's room? I'm really scared right now"
After a certain point I just really don't remember anything else. At all. The next thing I remember was lying on the floor of my room MUCH later in the night crying and my roommate asking me what had happened. I don't even know how I got back to my room. I woke up the next morning in a lot of physical pain and not very sure what all had gone on the night before.
My memory of the night is so patchy that I don't know what all happened. I don't know if we had sex or just what I remember at first. (I don't think we did) I don't know if it was my idea or if I went along with it. I know I didn't want to do it but I still might have gone along with it. I don't even know if I can be mad at him because I just don't know what happened. I was upset about the whole situation but there was a lot going on in my life and maybe I did tell him it was okay to touch me. I just don't know. The only people I told were my roommate and the friend I texted. I felt like because I'd been drinking so much I brought it on myself so no one could say he'd done anything wrong.
That was a year ago. ever since then, am I so uncomfortable being physical with someone I don't feel like I should be. It's really bothering me and I don't know why i feel this way or how to change things back to how they were before.
<edited by Brucielucy - please use default font>
Last year (April of 2011) I was a Junior in college, I was going through a difficult patch in life because of something completely different and was drinking more than I should to deal with it. One night I ended up making out with a guy from one of my classes, (I'm going to just call him Joe) just making out, nothing else. I was drunk at the time and would never have done anything with him otherwise, he started kissing me and I stopped him pretty early on telling him that I didn't want to do that and left. The next day he commented on what had happened and said that he was interested in me. I told him that it was a one-time thing and that I just wanted to be friends. He started constantly texting me and getting angry when I didn't reply right away. If I didn't text him back within (seriously) 5 minutes he would start sending messages asking me why i was avoiding him and why I was acting weird. Joe was getting very over the top and so every time during the following week when he asked me to come over I refused.
But that one Friday I again got really drunk with a group of friends. I don't remember a lot about that night past a certain point. But I do know that I was hanging out with a group of people on the porch of their dorm and at some point Joe joined us. I remember that he kept hitting my butt and trying to kiss me, I remember that I kept telling him to stop but at some point I gave in and was kissing him back. We were drinking with the group for a couple hours and then at one point I ended up with Joe in his room (later I found out from one of the other people who was there that night that I went with him to get more alcohol) I remember there was a movie on in his room, and I remember him locking his door and that him doing that made me very anxious (Out of the whole thing, for some reason I remember that the most) I don't remember what lead up to it, but I do remember that at some point in the night he was holding me down on the bed (not using much force though, he didn't have to, I was practically passed out) and fingering me. I remember that I really didn't want him to do that. I am a compulsive drunk texter and checked my sent messages the next morning to see what I had said to people, I had texted a friend while I was in Joe's room (and I am fixing the spelling here, my drunk texting was barely legible) "please help me" and then "Can you come get me from Joe's room? I'm really scared right now"
After a certain point I just really don't remember anything else. At all. The next thing I remember was lying on the floor of my room MUCH later in the night crying and my roommate asking me what had happened. I don't even know how I got back to my room. I woke up the next morning in a lot of physical pain and not very sure what all had gone on the night before.
My memory of the night is so patchy that I don't know what all happened. I don't know if we had sex or just what I remember at first. (I don't think we did) I don't know if it was my idea or if I went along with it. I know I didn't want to do it but I still might have gone along with it. I don't even know if I can be mad at him because I just don't know what happened. I was upset about the whole situation but there was a lot going on in my life and maybe I did tell him it was okay to touch me. I just don't know. The only people I told were my roommate and the friend I texted. I felt like because I'd been drinking so much I brought it on myself so no one could say he'd done anything wrong.
That was a year ago. ever since then, am I so uncomfortable being physical with someone I don't feel like I should be. It's really bothering me and I don't know why i feel this way or how to change things back to how they were before.
<edited by Brucielucy - please use default font>
