My Family Are Horrible

[moonbeam]

I'm back in a differnet country visiting my family.

My T and I worked on stuff for this trip for the last 2 months. And she wanted me to consider discussing the CSA with my mum. She wasn't around when it happened. And we never talked to her about stuff that happened at my fathers house. Mostly from shame. None of my family knows I have PTSD. I agreed to be open to discussing it with some of them if I felt comfortable. The worst abuser (my dad) isn't here so I thought it would be okay. I was so naive.

Day 1 they had a breakfast conversation about how people today are too sensitive about physical punishment of children. And my grandpa (who until now was heavenly to me) said he didn't see any issues with hitting or belting children. And my mum and him reminisced about having to pick what belt was used. My mum said that its only abuse if the bruises last for more than 3 days. And they all agreed that people can't get PTSD from childhood beatings and its all a load of crap. I was so floored I couldn't say anything.

I know my PTSD is more about the CSA but the verbal and physical stuff like being hit, beaten and choked all made things worse.

It's day 5. Sinc then they've made tons of racist comments. Said that most homeless people choose to be homeless. That poor people are lazy and leaches on the government. They are very white republican middle class and like George W. Bush if that gives any context.

My grandmother has said she thinks everyone with mental health diagnoses should be mandatory to take meds or arrested.

Feeling very naive and stupid. How could I have ever thought about telling any of them? Why after all this do I still feel like I can't cut them off? I find myself staring at other family's on holiday and being jealous of children who appear to be happy. Or my cute nephews who are very much mommas boys and wishing I had that. Writing this I feel like I'm not as okay as I thought or as far into healing as I thought either. I'm also sad that I feel like I have questions that will never be answered or asked of my siblings. But mostly it just feels obvious as the nose on my face how stupid I have been. I can't say anything now because I know it will get minimised, denied and brushed aside and I can't handle that right now. I really can't.

I don't know what I need from this post. Maybe I want a hug. Or advice. Or a duh that was stupid but its okay. Or just a space to write it out. Or agreement. Or disagreement. Or maybe all of these. So um I guess just whatever you think is helpful.

Gah what is wrong with me? I've written this whole post out but am hesitating to post it because people might look badly on my family. Why do I want to protect them? They didn't protect me. Everything I've said is honest. So just push the damn button already.

 

[scout86]

A friend of mine likes to say, "We choose our friends, we're stuck with our families". It's pretty true.

Good for you for not finding their attitudes to be ok NOW. Who knows what they said about that stuff when you were a kid. But it's doesn't sound like talking to them about PTSD would be real useful.

All I can say is "I get what you mean and I think you're handling it the best way you can". Cut yourself some slack and enjoy what ever you can about the visit. A least they don't live just down the road, huh?

 

[KCPearl]

Do you have a favorite song or scene in a movie? Each time they say something that is triggering try to get your mind to focus on fun, happy thoughts. I totally get where you are coming from and hope that you can find a healthy balance so you can enjoy some of the family dynamic. Remember for some people it is hard to be more accepting of those who are different. Lots of people fight change even when they know that it is what should happen. Reminiscing about the "good old days" could be a coping strategy. It takes a more emotionally evolved person to parent a child using positive strategies. Wishing you peace...

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi there Moonbeam -

Consider yourself hugged.

Sounds to me like you did not know what your relatives thought about things like punishing children and racism. So, perhaps you can cut yourself some slack around wanting to tell them what happened to you when you did not have all the facts you needed to make a good decision about it. So now you know, you can simply keep quiet.

I know it sucks to have family members with such views. My father was a racist, and he had racist friends, although he denied it. And it was really painful to hear about when I loved him.

It is great that you found out what they were like before you said anything.

Most of our families have stuff we are ashamed of - all we can do (at least from my side) is love them for their good parts and try to forgive the negative stuff because they are acting out of ignorance themselves and relating to the world from what they experienced growing up which we may never know.

Keep the faith and find your own family :>

 

[seedling]

how stupid I have been

I know it will get minimised, denied and brushed aside and I can't handle that right now

You contradict yourself. You are so smart - you evaluated the situation as it was happening and you did the absolute right thing for yourself. You protected yourself! Like you couldn't protect your self as a child. Way to go.

If I were your therapist I would be proud of you. You started out with an open mind about discussing it "if you felt comfortable." The comfortable part didn't happen and you were on the ball enough to know it and recognize it - that says a lot for how far you've come in healing. You made the new choice based on current facts not to reveal your inner situation. As I read your post I was so relieved not to come to the part that said "when I told them I had PTSD......."

If you find that you need to break contact in the future, you could come to that point as part of a process of healing. They are your family and the ties run deep. It sounds like you prepared well in therapy for this visit. To me, it looks like the prep time paid off.

 

[Chava]

And they all agreed that people can't get PTSD from childhood beatings and its all a load of crap.

It's called justifying themselves and their reality. But it doesn't mean their "reality" in this area isn't a load of crap. What is supposed to happen to a little human that is taught extreme fear but not love? Coddling a kid too much is NOT the same as not beating them. There is a middle ground but you are talking to the wrong people.

It's also denial and refusal to look at themselves. My mom said her sexual abuse as a kid was no big deal. Really? Maybe had nothing to do with raging at me, telling me I was disgusting, or breaking a door or chair against me (last part I can't even talk about...makes me feel so unhuman). She thought hitting with her hands or weird objects was okay because it was better than her dad using a belt. Really? As long as the abuse is somehow different, that makes it better parenting? #*#%!* Sounds like serious flaws in reason...which is what rage does to people.

This is how trauma becomes generational. My mom was likely pretty dissociated in her rages (I remember the creepy blankness in her eyes and how it was like none of us were "there" either). You are the one who can integrate reality and become more whole. Probably your family just can't validate any of this for you, I'm sorry.

I know my PTSD is more about the CSA but the verbal and physical stuff like being hit, beaten and choked all made things worse.

It's all horrible.

I don't talk to my family about any of my stuff. They don't even need to know i'm in therapy right now. It's for ME and none of their f*cking business. I don't need their empathy or care or apologies. I never expected it.

I'm not sure how it is for you, but you maybe don't need a black-and-white solution, like total support or cutting them off. I don't live close to my family either. When I visit, we talk about certain things that we either have in common or can at least have a light conversation about. And I don't stay very long. They weren't all bad. I'd say they were damaged. But they also gave me a lot...and some of them have healed to a degree. Some people should cut off connections with their family. I don't know if that's you or not. Personally, I like that I have some connection but have worked out my very own boundaries and have my own life separate from them...that in itself is freeing.

I think it's good you could stick up for yourself. I'm sorry they were so not understanding (very likely all about THEM, NOT YOU)....sorry it hurts and is confusing. But you can continue to be brave and know your own truth but also learn more about what boundaries will feel okay with your family. If they can't see things the way you do, it's likely because of their own deep denial and other stuff. I have lots of that in my family and realized it's just how some people cope (maladaptively...I feel a little blessed if I can feel the reality, even if it might hurt more sometimes)

:hug:

 

[sun seeker]

Here are more hugs from me @moonbeam.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

I too was happy to read through your post and see how well you are handling the craziness. There is nothing wrong with you! You recognized the level of consciousness you were working with and didn't try to squeeze water out of a stone. Good work taking care of yourself.

There's no way you could stay in a hostel or somewhere outside the home and just visit your family or go on outings with them, is there?

It's also denial and refusal to look at themselves. My mom said her sexual abuse as a kid was no big deal. Really? Maybe had nothing to do with raging at me, telling me I was disgusting, or breaking a door or chair against me (last part I can't even talk about...makes me feel so unhuman). She thought hitting with her hands or weird objects was okay because it was better than her dad using a belt. Really? As long as the abuse is somehow different, that makes it better parenting? #*#%!*

Sigh. It's about not realizing that there is a way to be a parent that doesn't involve abuse. They just haven't reached that level of awareness. My ex was like this with his son (from another relationship). Bullying him and hitting him with his hands was fine because at least he wasn't using a belt on him like his own father had with him. Actually treating a child with respect? Well, I don't think that idea had occurred to him.

 

[shimmerz]

Why after all this do I still feel like I can't cut them off?

When you figure this one out would you mind PM'ing me please?

Oh, and :hug:'s whether you do or not!

 

[sun seeker]

Bullying him and hitting him with his hands was fine because at least he wasn't using a belt on him like his own father had with him.

Rereading my own post, I'm hoping it was clear that I meant "was fine in his estimation". Not mine. Hopefully that was clear, but sometimes I know what I mean and miss how it's coming across to others.

 

[moonbeam]

Hopefully that was clear, but sometimes I know what I mean and miss how it's coming across to others.

I read it the way you meant it.

You contradict yourself. You are so smart - you evaluated the situation as it was happening and you did the absolute right thing for yourself. You protected yourself! Like you couldn't protect your self as a child. Way to go.

If I were your therapist I would be proud of you. You started out with an open mind about discussing it "if you felt comfortable." The comfortable part didn't happen and you were on the ball enough to know it and recognize it - that says a lot for how far you've come in healing. You made the new choice based on current facts not to reveal your inner situation. As I read your post I was so relieved not to come to the part that said "when I told them I had PTSD......."

It sounds like you prepared well in therapy for this visit. To me, it looks like the prep time paid off.

Thanks. That's a nice way to look at it. I have had the desire to say stuff to them in anger a bit but I am smart enough to know that won't help. Still feeling a bit of sting from it all. And a strange sadness that questions I want answers to will never be asked. And a bit frustrated that to everyone else I can say not to look to your abusers to validate your experience and yet... Humph.

Thanks everyone. This has been helpful. Still have another week of this but thinking I can survive this. Have survived much worse.