Smile
Platinum Member
I've just been getting angrier with all of them recently. And over not the biggest deals. I think I've just all of a sudden realized how dysfunctional they (we?) all are & it makes me so sad.
I'm the youngest of a lot of us so I suppose I was automatically sheltered from some things. I was never spoiled... they just all treated me differently then they do each other.
And now I'm seeing how venomous & just downright mean they Alva be to each other & it upsets me so much! And I feel guilty because somehow Its nit usually directe at me.
I was watching a Greys anatomy show the other day & something someone said just hit me in the gut. Basically she had an outburst & started yelling/crying to her family that they're all trying to convince her whats best for her but she DOESN'T KNOW what's best for herself & needs them to just stop. Because she's the only one that's actuall going thru this. No one else really understands.
I had to stop watching at that point because I just broke down in uncontrollable sobbing for about an hour. I just recently sent an email to all siblings explaining my "real" situation & said that I was upset that they were not help on me but maybe is bc they don't know.
They all responded kindly but most asked me, "what do you need? What can I do to help?" And that just makes me so sad & angry because I DONT KNOW. I wanted them... People who do have workin brains... To figure something out.
It just drove home the fact that no matter how much i try to delude myself... I'm alone in this. And alone on this kind of space... It's so scary that Im beginning to be more sure that being alone in death CANT be more painful than this.
I'm the youngest of a lot of us so I suppose I was automatically sheltered from some things. I was never spoiled... they just all treated me differently then they do each other.
And now I'm seeing how venomous & just downright mean they Alva be to each other & it upsets me so much! And I feel guilty because somehow Its nit usually directe at me.
I was watching a Greys anatomy show the other day & something someone said just hit me in the gut. Basically she had an outburst & started yelling/crying to her family that they're all trying to convince her whats best for her but she DOESN'T KNOW what's best for herself & needs them to just stop. Because she's the only one that's actuall going thru this. No one else really understands.
I had to stop watching at that point because I just broke down in uncontrollable sobbing for about an hour. I just recently sent an email to all siblings explaining my "real" situation & said that I was upset that they were not help on me but maybe is bc they don't know.
They all responded kindly but most asked me, "what do you need? What can I do to help?" And that just makes me so sad & angry because I DONT KNOW. I wanted them... People who do have workin brains... To figure something out.
It just drove home the fact that no matter how much i try to delude myself... I'm alone in this. And alone on this kind of space... It's so scary that Im beginning to be more sure that being alone in death CANT be more painful than this.
