My Father - Seeking Validation Neither Realistic Nor Attainable

[Flying Dove]

I filed a chap 13 bankruptcy March 2019. Now it is close to completion and discharge by the court. It was for medical expenses from my recovery from bacterial meningitis of my brain may 2014. In October 2018 I had paid for all fees for filing etc but creditors called my parents. My father came to my apt and tried to force his way in. In his eyes I had failed. He and my mother did not learn nor care to understand what recovering from an acquired TBI entailed. A craniotomy was done to remove access from left temporal lobe. I had allergy shots and treatments neurology follow up EEGs psychotherapy many appts with primary care providers etc. When my father did this my dosage of topirimate for seizure prophylaxis was being tapered. Extreme stress is a seizure precip. His actions could have been detrimental to me. I got an order of protection against him. He could not have contact with me. The taper was successfully completed. I remained seizure free and all my doctors said yes you can go back to work PT. I am a retired nurse- was rn, I went back to work as a private caregiver. Now my bankruptcy is almost done. I wanted to email me my father let him know of my success. I have stopped myself. I am still looking for validation from him. Not realistic or attainable, We are all born with inherent worth but in my father's eyes I was not nor will I ever be. This is very hard and painful to see. BY the time I was 3 I was stuttering badly plus I was born with a neurogenic bladder. Too much for my parents,.

 

[Friday]

It was the first time I ever really FELT grownup… when I realized no matter how much I might want my parents’ respect, approval, recognition, pride, friendship, etc.? I didn’t need it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure especially when it's a parent that it is the easiest thing to shake, but feeling so leads to seeking evidence of more of the same, which certainly hurts your heart. Needless to say, it says nothing about you and everything about him. And you certainly aren't responsible for how he sees the world or his family, which sounds like it could stand much improvement.

On the other hand, feelings are tricky; he may project anger because of fear for your health/ safety. Or not even notice how much it hurts you because he will not accept he is in the wrong, which requires accountability and change. Or something else entirely. Hopefully you can be kind to yourself, not just in spite of it but because of it.

Good luck with your recovery and new start. It sounds like you're making leaps and bounds in your progress. Welcome to you.

 

[Flying Dove]

Thank you Friday and tiny flame. I realized yesterday that my actions show I do not need his validation. I do think his actions as a father and toward other family members have caught up with him. On advice of my new therapist I only email him and the content is all superficial,

 

[Flying Dove]

Because of my bankruptcy and access to attorneys I have the power to file a legal document-: denial of inheritance. My fatherbis 86. My brother is in charge. He is the so called golden child. He carried out that role even if he does not realize it or accept. I live 1900 miles away. My brother has told me he will see I get whatever is my share. Of course my father's last days could lead to there being nothing. But if there is trouble etc from my brother do I file this document? Any thoughts welcome

 

[Friday]

But if there is trouble etc from my brother do I file this document? Any thoughts welcome

Whenever I have a legal question? I ask a good attorney.

 

[Flying Dove]

Thank you Friday. I did. My bankruptcy attorney group are also estate planners. They just said yes you can deny inheritance. The decisi9n is in my hands.