My Fear Realized, Spouse Is Not Supportive

[Whirlwind]

I am coming to terms with my past for the first time, it is very difficult for me but I believe it is in my best interests.

With the PTSD I have come to realize I color the present with old fears. I have been uncomfortable talking to my husband about therapy I started this spring.

My husband recently grumbled about the money and said he felt out of the loop so I took the plunge and talked to him about my PTSD diagnosis, my plan/hope for resolving my past in a healthy way. My husband knows my childhood was abusive (no specifics). I shared that I do not see myself in therapy long term but it was beneficial right now.

Initially he was great, he wrote it down, said he didn't like spending the money (well within our budget) but if it was for a good cause that was the most important. He knew I was having sleep issues and he was originally the one who suggested I go due to my nightmares. He even said he hoped I would be more comfortable sharing with him in the future.

I felt really good until today.

Not anymore, my fears are realized. He is not supportive, simply put he wants me to put the past where it belongs and stop seeing the T asap. This is painful to admit...(thank you anonymity) but he struck me as...dismissive.

But the part that saddened me the most was he admitted he wasn't sure what PTSD was, after writing it down I assumed he intended to google it (and already had).
I showed him the books I had been reading and stopped hiding them. They have been laying around the house in the open for the first time this last week. It felt really nice to have it "out in the open".

I don't talk about "it" willingly, I do not let it affect my day to day to the best of my ability. I have not been wallowing in this around him at all, I have been as normal as possible.

It is so hard for me to do, see a T, to acknowledge my past. I felt some pride recently thinking it was going to be ok in the end.

My husband's reaction has floored me. I feel completely alone and ashamed now. I know I shouldn't feel ashamed but its my gut truth. I do not want to blow this out of proportion but it makes me sick inside....what this may say about my husband?

I don't understand. I cried my guts out today, it was awful. If our situation had been reversed, the first thing I would have done was read about it, try to understand.

Thanks for listening, I'm upset right now, I don't know what to "do" with his reaction.

Whirlwind

 

[discarded]

((((hugs)))). What a slap in the face! He is obviously in denial about your diagnosis and has no understanding of what it means. You don't need his input if it is negative. Don't cave and give up the therapy, you are worth every cent. Don't feel ashamed and more to the point don't allow his reaction to make you feel this way. Hold on to the positive hope that therapy has given you. He will just have to get used to the idea that you are not throwing in the towel for him.

 

[piratelady]

I am not trying to defend him or anything, but maybe you can print some of the shorter explanations about PTSD from this site and give those to him. They are short, clear, and to the point. Maybe he will be more inclined to read them and then become more understanding? Another thing to remember, mental health has such a stigma attached to it. It may take some time for him to become more comfortable with the idea.

I wouldn't give up therapy, it is not his decision as to whether or not you seek help. It is your brain/mind, your decision.

The other thing, is maybe some of the supporters would have some insight. They had to find out for the first time at some point. They may be able to offer some perspective that we are missing, as sufferers.

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. It really does add more stress onto something that is already stressful and difficult. Don't give up, keep trying to help him understand.

 

[saffy]

Hi whirlwind
Must feel disappointed then eh. However, it must be a blow to him knowing he can't really help you and this T can. Not really understanding it doesn't help either. If he thinks like that then he does not realise what help he was before this all blew up. Remind him of this maybe. His job is to support you not to fix you ;)
I really hope you all sort things out for peace and happiness.
best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You cannot afford to not have therapy so stand your ground and keep on going. My husband did not believe me when I first started and it was due to lack of good information. In time he began to be more understanding and supported me. I am doing emdr and he is being really supportive. He comes with me and he waits in the waitnig room for me. Have hope , it takes information and time to understand. Hang in there. Big hugs.

 

[scooby]

Whirlwind,

I am in the same boat. My partner doesn't understand either.

Last night I tried to get some hugs out of him. I've been having anxiousness and nightmares for a couple weeks that are almost debilitating at times. Some of it stems from him having left me 7 occasions in the past year (including during my pregnancy).

He said he would sit down and hold me for a bit.

Apparently he changed his mind by the time he got done with whatever he was doing. He just got upset, said he wanted alone time and went to the couch with his kindle to read stating he couldn't be supportive tonight.

Sigh.

 

[Whirlwind]

Don't feel ashamed and more to the point don't allow his reaction to make you feel this way.

Thank you, trying hard not to feel so crappy right now. He had a fit yesterday, and I realize I dissociated on him, he asked me something insignificant and I don't remember any of it. I have no idea how we are suppose to communicate from here on out.

I am not trying to defend him or anything, but maybe you can print some of the shorter explanations about PTSD from this site and give those to him.

Its ok, I understand what you mean. I offered to share a quick read with him as he kept saying he "cares" but now he is unwilling to read anything.

I thought we were doing better than this.:cry: I wish I was clearer these days, I just feel like I seesaw in my relationship, trust builds for me and then I feel crushed.

He said he would sit down and hold me for a bit. Apparently he changed his mind by the time he got done with whatever he was doing.

((scooby)) That routine I know all too well.

I have always been amazed by relationships where people just let their guard down. I never feel like that. I wish and try at times but even with people that "should" care...I feel like it is always a "fair weather" situation. I am welcome when I am smiling and performing, occasional expressions of need are tolerated if mild and allow the other person a forum to hear themselves talk/give advice.

I do nice things for people, try my best. Everyone says I'm "wonderful" such a great wife blah blah. Pardon my ranting but it always feels so superficial. :( I realize I play a part in this, but honestly, I don't know why I am so alone in life. It feels like destiny anymore. My husband is always saying his family is mine, his friends etc. Its a nice sentiment but untrue. We are far away from some but truth is talking out loud right now, not a single one has ever asked me a thing about myself. I know a fair amount to a lot about all of them.

None have ever asked where I grew up, if I was married before my husband, if I have/had kids, what my education is, nothing. They like me though, genuinely I assume, I am always told how good I am for my husband, etc. In a nice way many have said they know he can be a handful but he's a good man and I make him very happy.

Deep down I feel like I am "marked" somehow....and other people can sense it on a subconscious level. I am not worth asking about.

Sorry for the rambling thoughts. I had very little sleep last night. Whirlwind

 

[LC23]

Scooby, if he just had an off night that's one thing, but if it keeps up, as Dan Savage might say, DTMFA. He sounds like a real piece of work. Sure maybe he's a great bridge player or he's good with dogs or whatever, but seriously. So many red flags in just that short description.

 

[Shellbell]

Whirlwind, I am in a similar situation. My husband is not emotionally supportive. I feel like at talk at him, rather than with him. Half the time he's not even listening. When I stop talking, he oftens changes the subject. I think he'd much rather I didn't talk about any of my therapy/abuse etc with him. I've given up now.

It's very invalidating. And it's very triggering of my mother's attitude who was also uncaring, un-emotional about anything that happened to me. And anything done is of course a huge sacrifice.

I bought books including the PTSD and Relationship book recommended on here. He didn't read them. I was really upset that he couldn't even bother to read one page a night. I'm not a priority to him. Himself, our children, his Police career and friends, they are his priority. He's a good father, I would never say different to that.

I don't think our marriage is going to last through all this. I don't trust him, have reason not to and I don't believe he cares the way a husband should. My first husband was pretty selfish too. I pick the wrong men.

 

[Whirlwind]

When I stop talking, he oftens changes the subject. I think he'd much rather I didn't talk about any of my therapy/abuse etc with him. I've given up now.

I know how painful that is. Actions speak louder than words don't they?

I have concerns about my marriage too. My husband turned out to have some issues which are unsettling for me. Late last year we discussed divorce. Now he's trying for the first time - his admission.

I'm not sure what I have picked yet.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Bilby]

The other thing, is maybe some of the supporters would have some insight. They had to find out for the first time at some point. They may be able to offer some perspective that we are missing, as sufferers.

I am a supporter and I hope you don't mind me commenting.

I have known about my husband's PTSD for a long time, however until we reached crisis point, I did not educate myself about it as I should have done. I don't feel good about that. It is only this week, since my husband has gone into hospital, that I have really started to knuckle down and find out as much as I can.

To be honest with you, despite the fact that I knew about his PTSD, I somehow thought that if I/we ignored it, it would go away, or that somehow the fact that we were in a happy relationship together, that that alone, would mean that problems wouldn't arise. This was incredibly naive of me. He has suffered multiple traumas, and had pushed a lot of them to the back of his mind, but then another trauma hit and things have been different since then - everything came flooding back from the past, and over time, all the symptoms worsened and it was affecting absolutely everything. Really, I was in some kind of denial I suppose. Quite ridiculous really, considering I have depression and anxiety myself. The vibe he was getting from me was very much a "toughen up" one - and there was nothing I have disliked more myself, than getting that vibe regarding my depression and anxiety. To sum it up - I haven't been a good supporter at all - I'm hoping to now become one....

I don't know if this helps you at all, but I thought I would share - and I guess selfishly acknowledge - that I have not been a good supporter up until this point in time.

Wishing you all the very best xx

 

[ms spock]

When we change in a relationship, a community or family the people involved often try and push us back in to the slot we have always been in. If we change that pushes other people out of their comfort zone and so they have to (consciously and mostly unconsciously) need to put us back in to our place.

As we heal it is important to remember that.