My Fear Realized, Spouse Is Not Supportive

[saffy]

HI Abstract

Then that makes him sound very selfish and self absorbed, how dare you disturb his masters sleep! bleugh

Not sure what to suggest really. But communication is paramount to you being happy. He has to realise that you have nightmares and they are scaring you and you would hope as your husband he will try to make me feel secure and protected. He, at the moment is just irritated that you disturb his sleep.

Maybe if you gave him some guides on what he can do for you at this time. A show of love, caring and protection with reassurance and holding tight is going to be more beneficial to you both than him lashing out and getting irritated.

I hope you get through to him somehow, one way or another.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 17790]

I had to confront the fact that my relationship with my ex had been very emotionally abusive and what I thought was normal was actually very harmful and now illegal behaviour (a form of male family violence). On bullyonline there's fantastic information about how bullying by partner causes PTSD. Having an ex who constantly dismissed, ignored and minimised my illness whilst withholding support was so harmful and a major contributor to my illness. He still attacks via our daughter. Lundy Bancroft's book - "Why does he do that" is a bible that every women should read in my opinion - about the thinking behind coercive control in intimate relationships. My ex used to tell stories about his childhood to get me to feel sorry for him to take the focus away from me back onto him....

 

[saffy]

He sounds a real charmer NOT. Sometimes it is not until you are out of these relationships that you realise how damaging they are. But that's how manipulative, selfish, egotistical, sociopathical and greedy people get away with what they do. They are the damaged ones really, if we think about it ;)

That sounds like a good book, thanks for sharing :)


Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[CrazyHorse]

My relationship with my bf began a year ago, and ended today! It has not been a 'dance on roses' to say the least. Letting a new person into my life after my trauma, has been a great stressor for me. I have especially been challenged on my trust issues, not that he has given me any reason not to trust him, but I just don't trust people anymore. My trauma involved betrayal of trust on so many levels.

But oh the good stuff! So much good stuff. He did make me feel safe and loved and I was absolutly crazy about him. He is a good man with good intentions.

He knows I was raped, and he knows how I have been let down by the people closest to me all my life. He knows I have strong reactions, he knows I feel scared and broken. he knows I feel immense anger, shame and humiliation. He knows I am hypervigilant. He knows I am vulnerable. He knows about my terrible nightmares that I can't seem to shake off the next day. He has felt my heartbeat raise in panic. He has seen the pain in my eyes, But all of the above only in brackets, and he has resently learned that this has a name: PTSD.

He went with me for a therapy session. He wanted tools to support me the best way possible. It went so well. He was so full of supportive, loving, words, and I was so full of hope: He get's it! He want's to do anything in his power to love and support me. We are over the worst, and can now move forward to our greatest potential as a couple. We are both in our early thirtees and were planning a real future together. True love - all good.....

But unfortunatly I have come to realize that he is missing half a brain what compassion is concerned. Always such good intentions but never able to walk the talk.

I have been in a really bad state these past couple a weeks. I hardly leave my appartment. He has a very active life, and I have always been supportive of that. I have NEVER asked anything of him and sometimes in the past when I have felt let down by him, I had not been able to communicate my needs properly because of my fears. He knows that too now. I promised to work on that.

He stayed over at my place last night. He came late because he was out enjoying a concert. He woke me up from a terrible nightmare. I was fearsome, anxious etc. He wanted to kiss and cuddle. He was drunk. I was half in my dream still. I didn't sleep after that. He was snoring in my ear, sleeping without a care in the world.

This morning I had an anxiety-attack. And I cried and cried and cried. Could'nt breathe. I felt so shameful letting go off all my emotion at once in front of him. Scared that he might think ill of me, or be repulsed by such a strong outburst. I told him that, and I asked for help in calming me down. I was so 'out there' full of fear, but to save space, I guess I don't have to explain to any of you what this feels like. :dead:

He had to leave soon, he told me. A very important christmas party to go to. For the first time ever, I worked up the nerve to ask him to stay with me. I told him I needed him. Badly! I told him that I felt so alone and shameful and I was scared of not being able to control not harming my self. I told him that I needed him to put me first. Just this once. I do think I actually begged at one point.

He put his arm around me and stroke my hear. He said: "but I really want to go to this christmas party!"

And off he went.....

Thank you for 'listening'.

 

[Deleted member 17790]

Well done for finishing the relationship - must have taken courage - his behaviour sounds quite harmful. My anxiety and body tells me first that a person is nor safe to be around and my head can minimise that

I have to say "No" many times before I get a "Yes" - each time my awareness is more and more developed and I spot the lack of emotional availability quicker and quicker

 

[ms spock]

It is impressive to me that your body tells you stuff and you feel it sydneysider. It is great that you spot the lack of emotional availability quicker and quicker. That is great progress.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thank you for your insights, Sidneysider! I really appriciate them.

Life really is too wierd. And PTSD adds a twist.

Just a thought that keept running though my head, as I stood in my window this morning drinking my coffee, smoking a cigarette, while looking at the beautiful white snow that has fallen during the night. The street was empty. Me, and the snow, were the only things left in the world. The world was quiet. It felt good.

I surprisingly had a good nights sleep. Maybe my deamons that hunt me in my sleep decided to back off and give me a break :cautious:.

I do hope I am strong enough to keep my decision of ending the relationship, but my emotions shift all the time, back and forth, like a pendulum.

When reading my post again, I would like to make clear that the episode of him coming home drunk wanting to kiss and cuddle, did not trigger anything about my rape. He has never triggered that in me. What upset me, was the fact that he did'nt seem to care, or even think about, how I was doing. He was drunk and tired, yes, and I was anxious. Not a good combo. Not being able to meet his needs like a normal girlfriend made me feel damaged and alone. He felt rejected.

He has not damaged me in our relationship. He is a stressor in some areas, but any relationship for me would be. He dosen't always understand why I feel the things I feel, and why I react so strongly. I did not expect him to. But he wanted to prevent situations from esculating by giving me love and support, when PTSD took over. I expected that.

I have felt his love, truely, so much more than not. That is why his lack of empathy towards me and unwillingness to put one stupid party aside to make sure I was alright, felt like such a huge betrayal I don't think I can overcome. He could not have made me feel more worthless. How can he go from making me feel so loved, so supported so wanted, to making me feel like nothing? I don't understand it. I am confused, but I do know nobody should make me feel that way. Especially not him. How could I ever just slightly trust him again? He did not walk the talk, and I need action much more than words. And I hate when words and action contradict eachother. I can not work with that!

The pendulum swings yet again: Was I asking too much? Was I communicating me needs clearly in my confused state overhwelmed with emotion? Do I even know what is up and down anymore. Is PTSD covering my emotions in smoke? Was it fair of me to ask him to give up something he was really looking forward to just because I am a mess? Should he change anything in his life because of the assholes that traumatized me? Is he not allowed to make mistakes? Is it just the PTSD that tells me that my whole being was weighed against a party and found to light? Is it a self fulfilling prophecy: Do I create these situations to satisfy the 'voice' in my head that says I am worthless, I'm nothing, I am alone. I can't trust any one, not even my self?

I must admit that a part of me hope that he will chase me. Apologise, and beg me to come back, that he cannot live without me. That he would rather die, than be without me. Make me feel like I am important in this world. I've never had that feeling, and I crave it so badly. But on the other hand, I hope he dosen't. It will make me sticking to my decision so much easier. I hope the takes his egotistic tail and stick it between his legs!

I don't expect any one to answer these questions, it is just nice to get it out. I have swicted off my phone, deleted my FB. I don't want contact with anyone in my real life, so this forum is now my only outlet. Maybe I should start a trauma diary. Although I should be writing my thesis if anything:geek:. It is about Judas. I like Judas! He too, was so misunderstood ;)

 

[Debbet]

my husband (we are currently divorcing) is sometimes supportive in that he will listen but thinks that the meds I need are the equivalent of a drug habit and disapproves of the ssri's and the anti-anxiety meds. He says he is afraid I will become dependent on them. Tried more than once to explain how antidepressants work on brain chemistry but had no impact on his beliefs about meds and those who need them. The ironic thing is that he supports the use of marijuana for medical reasons and he is diabetic and takes meds for that. I think he assumes that mental health is somehow different from physical health although he has watched me slowly disintegrate from the PTSD and depression, often being a contributing factor to the anxiety and triggers(hence the divorce).

 

[ms spock]

my husband (we are currently divorcing) is sometimes supportive in that he will listen but thinks that the meds I need are the equivalent of a drug habit and disapproves of the ssri's and the anti-anxiety meds. He says he is afraid I will become dependent on them.

What scientific basis does he have for this opinion?

Crazy talk!

That wouldn't have been a helpful point of view to receive.

 

[ms spock]

My H's response to my severe nightmares was to punch me on the shoulders in anger and rage afterwards. I eventually managed to get it together enough to make this something I would not accept.

This has been worrying me. This is domestic violence. I am glad you got him to stop but it is a real worry to me.

 

[Deleted member 17790]

My husband in also not able support or hear me I am afraid. I have long term patterns of feeling shame for not coping in any way and have not found it easy to share and gone to much trouble to hide everything. I still do. So I sometimes wonder how much I have contributed over the years. Or maybe that I have chosen someone unavailable subconsciously. After over 15 years of marriage I have never told him about past stuff that has happened to me and have not told him about any of this. I have had specific trauma T in recent years and he knows nothing about it. I don't feel safe even attempting it as not speaking and not getting support feels much better than speaking and not being heard. There is a track record of not being heard so that doesn't help. At my most depressed I have almost been catatonic and yet he would leave for work and return and so on without comment or any show of concern. I also eventually told him about other mental health issues I have struggled with long term a few years ago and he hesitated for a few minutes muttered something and then changed the subject to something banal; I think it was about something on tele. It was never mentioned again.
:wacky:

This also seems like it could be male family violence as well.

The covert emotional abuse is so much more difficult to give a name to. It is illegal in Australia, as in many countries now, however many women are just not aware of what is abuse as there's been no systemic educational program. Emotional abuse is much more damaging than any other abuse - because it's a form of psychological torture. It's about power and control not about healthy relating.

I took all the responsibility for the relationship. I now realise I am not responsible for anyone else' feelings and reactions - they are! And if they keep on refusing to hear me, dismiss my reality plus minimise my symptoms (all forms of emotional abuse) then they are not worthy of me.

I don't need to keep on doing their emotional housekeeping.... I don't provoke anything.

Jon Allen in "Coping with Trauma" says "I cannot state this point too emphatically: coping with current life stress and actively resolving relationship conflicts plays a major role in coping with past trauma, flashbacks included".

In other words if I am still in relationships that are emotionally abusive that will keep activating the trauma. One of the 12 Step programs says "get the difficult people out of your life". That's because they abuse and I get re-traumatised and then lose my sense of self and end up where I can't function properly and can't look after my needs.

It's well worth ringing the local women's service or refuge and getting on a short course to gain greater understanding of what are controlling behaviours. Or Beverly Engels' or Patricia Evans' books are great on verbal and emotional abuse. And of course Lundy Bancrofts' book "Why does he do that". I get sick and my trauma is provoked whenever I have anything to do with my ex - I mean anything - even vicariously via my daughter. No contact is my mantra....

 

[Deleted member 17790]

Thank you for your insights, Sidneysider! I really appriciate them.


I surprisingly had a good nights sleep. Maybe my deamons that hunt me in my sleep decided to back off and give me a break :cautious:.

Now that's a really good sign - he's out of your life and you sleep well....