My feelings for my t - exploring erotic transference

[Sparkle180]

Hi, I have intense feelings of desire for my T.

We have a great therapy relationship and she is professional holds the boundaries very well. We have spoken a lot about my feelings towards her and she has always dealt with them quite well and very professionally. I know they are not about her, that they are not based in reality of today's situation and nothing would ever happen between us.

Lately, the intense desire I have for her is getting too much it just seems to be getting stronger and I really need it to stop as it is beginning to consume me and my thoughts. She is all I can think of... I think of being with her all the time.

Again I know this won't happen but this doesn't seem to stop the fantasy. I have never had these feelings about anyone else in my life except for my husband and I am finding them so unnerving.

I know they originated because of course people develop feelings for someone who gives them undivided attention and care etc. I also know they cannot be acted upon but I don't know what to do to work through them or get rid of them.

Please don't just say find a new T as I have spent a long time with this T and it took me a long long time to build up the trust we now have and am not willing to start all over again I think I would rather stop therapy altogether than do that and I know that would also not be good for me.

I do plan to try to talk about them with my T.

Has anyone had similar feelings that have reduced in intensity after exploring them with their T? We have briefly discussed them and she knows they are quite intense

 

[Della]

I understand on how your'e feeling. It's very nice to be able to talk to somebody that really understands you where your friends and other family members don't. So, you begin to have feelings for them It's not only a physical attraction but emotional and emotional feelings go a long way far more than physical sweetie. So it would be natural for you to feel this way about your T. I feel that if you can maintain a good relationship with her without crossing certain boundaries, then I don't see a problem with you still continuing to see her. If she still feels comfortable. With it.:)

 

[Sparkle180]

I understand on how your'e feeling. It's very nice to be able to talk to somebody that really understands...

So far she has been able to handle all my feelings but I do worry that they may eventually get too much for her to take. I have talked about them but not in huge detail as I have been avoiding doing so as it is quite difficult. Really what I'm asking is has anyone had similar feelings that they have found overbearingly intense but found them to lessen after exploring them more in-depth? I know that I won't break any boundaries nor will she so that is not a worry.

 

[UnicornSightings]

So far she has been able to handle all my feelings but I do worry that they may eventually get too much for her to...

Hmmm well sorta similar. Not attraction but still intense feelings. I talked about it fairly often and while it was really nice to be able to admit feelings I was feeling ashamed of and have her be so accepting still it didn’t help at all to lessen those feelings. Are you still able to get other work done? I do think talking about it is really good as, at least for me, talking about it helped it not get worse in each of those particularly difficult “obsessions”. You seem to know why it’s happening which is awesome. It’s really important to be able to not judge yourself for it. That’s what I would work on it I were you. Take the mindful approach. “Oh there’s that desire for t again” and just notice it. Feel the physical sensations that emotion brings and don’t add to the story like “ugh why is this still happening!!” because that will for sure make it stay. Just calm awareness. You can have desire and intense feelings and it’s perfectly ok. You can hold all kinds of emotions at once and be completely ok. You know that th most important thing is your actions. That’s where all of your power lies. So you may not be able to stop the thoughts but by not giving them so much weight they will likely lessen over time. The key is not to fight thoughts and feelings. Just be a witness to them. Do you meditate? That would for sure help. Good luck, it’s a crazy place to be. I’m done with therapy and the amount I miss my t is crazy. I’ll be ok but I have intense moments for sure. All feelings pass. Desire will come and go. Just allow it to do its thing.

 

[Sparkle180]

Hmmm well sorta similar. Not attraction but still intense feelings. I talked about it fairly o...

Thank you for this. Helps to hear someone who had a similar experience. Do you still have the intense desire? How long have you finished therapy? Thats the thing. It's hard to sit with this feelings of intense desire. It's hard to think of the thought that they may never lessen. It makes me want to stop therapy but that would bring with it more painful feelings of loss.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thank you for this. Helps to hear someone who had a similar experience. Do you still have the intense desire? How l...

That’s the thing! Once you feel it, the idea to leave is just as unbearable (even more so) than sticking with it. Yeah, it may never go away while you’re in therapy. Rather than wish it would, maybe (and easier said than done) find a way to live with it. Like if this is how it will always be, how can you create space for these feelings? It isn’t easy but you can do it. And there are all kinds of ways to do it. You can allow yourself to think about her for only 30 minutes or so everyday. So when those thoughts come up and it’s not your “obsession window” you gently tell yourself that you’ll get to those thoughts later. I did that with intense worry and it was very effective. And then in that designated time you obsess away (and yes, it sucks. It sucks so much, I know but it’s here. It is here and it needs to be acknowledged. Treat these feelings like friends. Be there for them. Give them your attention but only for that set time). You can also imagine putting those thoughts in a box for later. You can write a list of goals for the day and when you feel that desire you say hello to it and then get started on YOU. Keep bringing the attention back to yourself. You can find a better way to live with it. It doesn’t ever need to go away. You can build a better relationship with your thoughts and feelings and ultimately yourself.

And to answer your question, Tuesday was my last session.

Something else you could do (which I think I’ll do) is keep a journal where you write all these thoughts and feelings down as if you’re talking to your therapist. Maybe do that during your window. And then later go back and write to yourself as yourself, but like you’re talking to your best friend and truly be there for yourself. Give yourself validation and compassion and love. Acknowledge how hard it is to want something you can’t have and give that love to yourself in those responses. Keep doing that even when you don’t want to and you very likely will believe it at some point. I have a much better relationship with myself now through self-compassion. And then you could share those entries and responses with your t if you’re comfortable. I don’t know if that would help but if you’re bursting to tell her it might.

 

[Rumors]

Thank you for this. Helps to hear someone who had a similar experience. Do you still have the intense desire? How l...

Desire for what? Do you seek a sexual relationship with her, or is it just a desire to be best friends, or emulate a mother figure? I think all three carry a different answer is why I am asking.

 

[Sparkle180]

Desire for what? Do you seek a sexual relationship with her, or is it just a desire to be best friends,...

It's a desire for a sexual relationship. I know this is not possible but that's the desire.

 

[Sparkle180]

That’s the thing! Once you feel it, the idea to leave is just as unbearable (even more so)...

Thank you for all the suggestions . I will give them a try and see if it helps especially the part about putting aside a designed time for them. Not sure I could write the thoughts down in a journal as they pretty sexual in nature so would almost be too difficult for me to write down on paper.
Thank you for sharing your story and I hope things start to get easier for you. How long have you been with your T?

 

[Rumors]

It's a desire for a sexual relationship. I know this is not possible but that's the desire.

I don't mean to sound weird but is it a desire for you to meet your own needs or a thought that you would be pleasing your therapist? I have never had that feeling for my therapist, but I have for other people that I have encountered over the years, one being my husband. I hooked up with him bc I wanted him to love me and I wanted to please him. It was never really for the right reasons that I had sex with guys. AND it really wasn't about sex but about feelings and emotions but I thought that was the way to fill my void...it never happened by the way. My void continued until I got into why I was trying to make connection through sex. Intimacy can come in many shapes but if all you know is to desire it and offer it through sex, you should do some work on intimacy and what it looks like in your world. It's tough. No judgement here. If I had a therapist during the years I was sleeping my way to happiness, I would have felt the same way I am sure. Hang in there!!!

 

[sparkle180]

I don't mean to sound weird but is it a desire for you to meet your own needs or a thought that you woul...

Thank you for your thoughts. I think it's both of what you ask. About filling my own needs and also about pleasing her .I realise there is more to it it's meaning than just an actual desire for her. Like you say maybe it is like trying to fill a void or something or desire to connect on A deeper level or something. There is something more I am searching for behind the desire I really just don't know what it is or how to figure out what it is. I've been in a long term relationship for many years so have never really used intimacy in that way before I don't think. Might be helpful to explore that more though. I just worry it will all be too much if I speak more about it to my T. Right now though I am finding it too much myself so I'm not sure what else I can do.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thank you for all the suggestions . I will give them a try and see if it helps especially the part about putting as...

2 and a half years. I read in an article that erotic transference is due to the age at which the trauma occurred. Which I found fascinating. You don’t seem to be weirded out by it or anything which is good but thought that was interesting. The transference for mine was mostly maternal.