My Fiance Denies My PTSD

[shiraz]

A week ago I landed up on antibiotics for a viral infection and was booked off for a few days to get over it, I thought the bit of time out would help me catch up with my studies. Instead, I slept and slept and slept. Strange for me as I never manage to sleep during the day. Now I am more behind than ever and developed vertigo a few days ago, which has me booked off for the rest of this week. I am missing deadlines on my studies which will catch up with me in a terrible overload if I don't settle down now and work. But I can't do it. I can't focus and I am getting horribly worked up about it.

Part of me feels like this is my body's way of making me stop so I can catch up and deal with all the stress as I have had the worst PTSD symptoms of my life in the past few months. My problem is that exams are a month away and I have numerous test and assignments to get through before then .... I am overwhelmed and I don't know how to cope with all this.

My fiance is expecting great things of me, he won't accept anything but excellence ... his words 'anything less than excellent is not acceptable' ... I am going to disappoint him terribly. I tried to tell him that he wil be disappointed as I can only do the best I can do and with all the PTSD over the last few months, I'm exhausted. He just cut me off and reitterated his 'excellence' philosphy. He doesn't want to accept that I have PTSD. I feel like he has decided to deny the symptoms, he sees them as manipulative and he wont be putting up with that. I am exhausted trying to keep the PTSD away from him. He wants a strong woman. I am not strong.

I can barely cope with driving myself to lectures, buying groceries and preparing meals ... it sounds so sad, but I must acknowedge it. I used to be so competant, now I get home exhausted. I don't know how to cope anymore. I also don't want to believe that 'this is it'. I want to achieve and do well, I have so many dreams I want to fulfill ... I am going to fail if I carry on like this.

Every night he comes home and I have dinner ready ... that alone is a success for me. If he judges that dinner in any way, I fall apart. I know that is way too sensitive, but I can't cope with criticism from him. It crushes me. My self-esteem feels non existant. How the Hell do I get it back!!!!?

Of late rage rises up within me and I can't quieten it. I am so afraid that it is going to spill out onto him. He is very sensitive too and will not cope with any judgement from me. It feels like such a mess.

I love him and I know that he loves me too. When we are good we are wonderful together, but when we are bad it is vicious and sets me back so far I fear I can't really get back at all.

I am exhausted. I am afraid of admitting defeat and I am afraid to try to succeed as it might take too much out of me. I fear putting all my strength into my studies and not having sufficient strength left just to survive. I fear I am heading for breakdown. I don't know what to do. I am not going to therapy right now as I can't afford it. All I can think about doing is sleeping so that I can shut it all out for a while.

which way is up? What is real? I just don't know anymore.

 

[linasmom]

Hi Shiraz,

What I'm about to say may not be what you posted this message for but here I go:

Excuse my tactless expression but your fiance sounds like a royal asshole. First, you say that he "expects" nothing but "excellence" (which, btw, is very subjective and what he really means is what HE considers excellence. Thus, you are expected to live up to HIS standards that HE has placed upon YOU) and yet he does not like to be "judged" - hmm, people who live in glass houses.....(you know the rest)

Secondly, there is some great fear in your words when you talk about dinner. Really? I would stop making dinner altogether, though you and I are probably very different women. There is no way in hell that I would ever allow someone for whom I've just cooked dinner to criticize my cooking - that is down right rude.

What is real is this: You have PTSD. You said that your fiance is refusing to accept your PTSD because he "expects" excellence and nothing less. It is apparent that he feels since you have PTSD that you are now "faulty" and can not provide to him the excellence that he so desires from you. So the answer to all of this is quite simple, though maybe not so simple to actually do: you can not have a relationship with him unless he accepts your PTSD and also accepts that "excellence" is based on your own standards and not his. In my opinion, he is traumatizing you all over again by his statements and actions and personally, I would not put up with it.

Please think long and hard about how this person is treating you.

Best,
Rachel

 

[Irton Pike]

Yeah, I don't mean to be nasty but your man is pushing all of his failings onto your considerably broad shoulders. You have enough to be getting on with at the moment.

He wants perfection. If he wants perfection he should be getting into bed with jesus shouldn't he?

Is he desperate for a mummy substitute?

If you want to run a quick test, just run a "hands up whos perfect" test.

And of course, no one is.

This "anything less than excellence" scthick is a threat a\nd he knows it. If you drop a few percent his "logic" is that you are 100% rubbish, and it sounds like he is lining you up for a fall.
Poor lad can't take a bit of judgement can he? Aw diddums!

and another thing, if he don't like the meal you prepare for him he either cooks himself or gets to eat catfood.

Or at least, he would in our house!
And damn right too!

Someone preparing food for you is a gift. you say thankyou. You don't moan about the texture of the sprouts! Sorry, but this particular one gets my goat big time.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I totally agree with everyone. They are being kind to you IMO!!!!! I would love to say more or really tell you what I think of your boyfriend, but I won't. I will ask a couple of questions though... WHY is gods name are you with this guy??? Are you into self abuse or what?????? He is abusive!!!!!

 

[Marlene]

Adding my two cents here. Gotta agree with everyone else. I grew up in a house where failure was not an option and perfection was always on the request list. It did a real number on me. I still have issues with trying to be perfect and I left my father's house 23 years ago. Perfection is never going to be achieved and all you do is set yourself up for a great, big fall when you to get it. Or let someone else's expectations be yours.

And the food...OMG! If my family doesn't like what I cook, they're more than welcome to go and make a sandwich. Our family rule is that you don't have to like it, but you won't make snarky comments about it. Especially since your night (everyone takes a turn) to cook is coming up soon and you wouldn't like it either.

Shiraz, you've got to get to the point where your needs are just as important as your fiance's...and you tell him you'll accept nothing less...or you're just in a relationship where you'll never measure up and you'll just get more ill.

Lisa

 

[Mina]

Shiraz, I second everything the others have said. You are worthy of being treated well and respected, whether you live up to his "excellence" standards or not. It sounds as though his "support" of you as his girlfriend is anything but supportive.

Quite honestly, it sounds as though you are doing as excellently as you can (impressively well, IMO), to the point of sacrificing yourself and your needs for him. And if he is so sensitive that he cannot deal with any judgement from you, what on earth is he doing judging you?!?

As far as getting your self-esteem back, I would start with respecting yourself, and making his respecting you a condition of your relationship. Remember you first have to respect yourself, or no one else will. It's time to value yourself, to decide that Shiraz IS good enough, to put YOUR needs on the front burner, and do what's best for YOU. Keep in mind that you may be better off without him.

Let me ask you this...would the world truly stop spinning if you took a semester off for the benefit of your health and sanity? Some time to breathe? I know I always think it will, but it never does. :wink: Sounds as though a break to process and cope and just deal with what IS, instead of trying to hold yourself to the standards of what should be without PTSD, or what bf's standards are, might do some good. Just a thought.

:Hug_emoticon:

 

[shiraz]

Learning to Respect Myself.

Thank you all for your responses. In many ways I feel like I am the one that needs to change. Last night I stood up for myself, told him that something he said made me feel deficient and stupid. He backed down straight away and was very affectionate for the rest of the night. I was amazed - and then I thought it through and saw it for the game it is; he needs a strong woman to keep him in line! Shucks, I should have seen that ages ago, he even said something to that affect when we first met. I am not up to playing that game! He needs to keep himself in line, not use me to regulate himself like that! I'm going to keep being strong with him for a while and see how he responds and then we'll need to have a discussion about it - soon. I am going to start demanding the respect I deserve!!!

I am coming to terms with the idea of respecting myself. I don't think I ever really have. Definitely did not feel respected growing up, so I guess I'll have to figure out how to do that now.

I cried when I read that he is traumatizing me all over again - it does feel like that at times. He even told my therapist that he feels like he is destroying me. The reality is that he needs help too, he knows he needs therapy but isn't prepared to do it right now - so many excuses. I keep waiting for change, and honestly, I do see change in both of us, but it comes at such an enormous emotional cost.

It usually follows the same pattern, we have a mis-communication - he explodes, I implode ... he looses control and gets verbally abusive, I go brain dead and have a panic attack ... he attacks the panic attack, he can't cope with the rejection of my silence and calls the relationship off - everytime he means it, it is over! I spend the night wondering if it really is over this time, crying and mourning the loss and planning for how to move on - the next day we talk and realise that it was a mis-communication, apologies all round - we cry and make up and promise to be more vigilent against miscommunication next time . . . he is happy and relieved for the reunion, I take ten days to recover and land up with viral infections. :wall:

We have spoken about splitting up. He thinks I'll be better off with someone who doesn't have issues and can care for me like I deserve. I think that he will be better off with someone who is healthy and stable for him. We talk about it, then we cry because we know that we can't leave each other. Leaving seems like a death. We both were single for over a decade before we met and have been together for two years now and I was diagnosed with PTSD about a year ago. My therapist told us that when we are unhealthy, we attract people to us who also need healing. If we both heal we can probably stay together. If only one heals, the relaionship can't last, it will be too much stress on the one trying to live a whole life again.

It is strange, at times he accepts that I have PTSD ... and then just as suddenly is in denial. Sometimes he'll guared against and screen me from triggers and other times not bother. If I am triggered - if it is not affecting him, he'll be supportive, other times, if it is going to affect his happiness - he attacks me for it. I often get triggered when visiting his family - it is a big problem for him and he sees it as manipulative, it isn't, it is just that there are so many of them and I don't deal with crowds well. I cramp his style then as I really need him to stay close to me and not leave me all alone. I have explained that if we could just entertain with one family at a time I would be fine, I am good one on one, it is just in a crowd, i find I can't interact - but everytime - all 25 or 30 of them at once! It is exhausting!

I have emailed him docs on living with someone with PTSD, and PTSD in general. I have suggested he come to the carer section here too ... he says he will read and educate himself, but he hasn't done it yet.

We have so many dreams and so much hope for the future. perhaps we are just living for tomorrow though. so ... what to do??? :dontknow:

 

[Nicolette]

Hope all works out well for you Shiraz.

Please do take good care of yourself as a priority and I do agree with what others have written.

 

[uplate]

Can I ask are you in love with this guy or are you in love with the idea of the relationship the two of you could have together if just this or that would get sorted out? I can't think of one nice thing to say about his behaviour, even the more positive sounding stuff sounds dodgy. I hate to say it but it sounds like he's a control freak, "sick" people can attract "sick" people as your T says but we are talking vulnerable/PTSD vs a self absorbed individual here, not self absorbed individual vs self absorbed individual, two people with issues is not the same as a predator telling you what you want to hear. You are the vulnerable party here. If you're constantly on the backfoot then it's not two people working on a problem it's him working you and feeling like you're walking on eggshells around him is not a good sign. What do your friends and family have to say about this guy when you tell them about it? What does he say about them? If he's tried to isolate you from them don't walk away, run, if things go bad (sounds like they already are) you will have no support system and having your whole world revolve around your interactions with one person reduces your ability to evaluate the situation or for that matter to see yourself in the context of a wider world (that "how will I get by without him" thing), if he is a predator making you dependant upon him is a well known stratergy to get control over someone. If he's a predator and you marry him things will get worse.

You're only a year into your diagnosis, right now you need to worry about yourself and have people around you who support you in real ways not with promises. Think about it if you constantly have to keep him in line how are you going to do that when you are most vulnerable and need him the most? Would you treat someone else that way? Then why should you put up with it? How many times has he made good on his assurances or does he pay lip service if anything, is he all talk? Has anything actually changed? Has his behaviour deteriorated, how do you feel being with him now two years down the track compared to when you first met? Doing something differently isn't the same as changing either, modifying his behaviour without the basic consideration he should have for you is not changing, just changing tactics.

Do some things to lighten your load, study can be a good distraction and keep you engaged in something familiar but if exams are a problem talk to someone about defering them, they should be able to considering you have a medical condition, don't be afraid to ask for what you need. If you're living with this guy maybe you can stay with friends or family for a while or move into a dorm or go on holiday without him to get a chance to catch your breath and think about what you really want. I shouldn't have to tell you this but take control of your own birth control if you haven't already, that would be the last thing you need right now.

Trust your instincts and the people you know you can rely on not your emotions on this one and don't get caught out by relying on just one source of information (ie him and the people/things he approves of). I'd put the engagement on the backburner, especially if he's contributing to your stress level, if he can't understand you need time to sort some things out then maybe he's not the one for you, you and your health are the priority right now. Not all guys are like this either.

 

[shari]

Sweetie,
Go visit some domestic abuse sites and see if they apply to your situation. It is hard, I know.
Maybe check out some power and abuse wheels.
It is hard to accept that someone we love might not play by the same rules. But it IS important to check in and make sure they do.
You are a valuable person, you have worth. You deserve to feel that reflected to you by the people you love. I can tell by the way you write that you give the feeling of worth to the people you love.
One of the hardest things to see and accept is that someone might not play by the same rules you do. Trying to "fix" things is a strategy that many women use who grew up in volatile families. Does that appy to you?
The idea that we can "fix" things gives us a sense of control that doesn't really exist.
How are the rest of things in your relationship?
Does he yell at you? Block you in rooms? Blame you for his actions? Grab your arm?
These are the beginnings of abuse and it WILL get worse.
Kindness and compassion for others only works if it is reciprocated. Living by the golden rule alone is a recipe for disaster.
Take care of yourself by yourself and by those you hold close. No one wants or asks to be mistreated. Sounds like you are.

 

[stacey.lane]

I feel sorry for you as my ex boyfriend is the same (he got badly attacked and I intervened and was hurt myself, he is lucky to be alive). He does not remember much of it and I do. My PTSD, although not diagnosed at the time, caused our breakup as he is similar to your partner, he thought I was a loser and weak. I am undergoing treatment now, but it is hard, and I feel silly sometimes. I speak to him occasionally and even though I saved his life, he does not care how it has affected me. Sometimes I feel like I cannot cope anymore. My studies have been affected hugely, I can't concentrate and I suffer continually from a headache. I understand how hard it is, but someone like that does not help. Sorry I can't be more help, I am new to this and find it difficult to express my feelings at the minute, although I am happy to be able to read other people's experiences as it makes me feel I am not going insane and there is hope. So hard to explain to people who do not have the condition.

 

[mongeau_dec08]

You need to understand that what you have is very real. If he does not want to help you or support you in any way then you need to leave him. Your relationship will only get worse and your symptoms will only worsen to the point you will not even be able to deal with yourself. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.