General My Fiance Has PTSD

[gunko13]

I am soo confused, I want to hold her and tell her everything is going to be allright but it seems that is the last thing she wants from me. We have something very special and the last month or so its almost as if I disgust her, she turns her cheek to me when i go to kiss her hello or goodbye. but when we hug she holds on like she never wants to let go. Our sex life, once spectacular is almost non existant. she just started seeing a therapist that suggested suspending overnites. its almost like she goes overboard happy to everyone else then looks at me like,"oh its you" I have started reading on ptsd and realize backing off is the best thing i can do. She is a survivor of a home invasion/rape by an ex husband that happened shortly before we met. she has never really addressed the issues just kind of went on with life...now she is(it will be one year in june). Can anyone help direct me? This is something very special we have, I do not want to let it just fade away. We truly love each other that much i know. the other day she wanted to break it off but could not bring herself to do so, she says she has to fix herself first,,,what can i do? what shouldnt i do?

 

[unbroken]

Hi-
This is so very much like my current relationship. I love her with all my heart, and then at times I wonder if I'm the right guy for her. There are so many things I just love about her, and so many things we share in common.

When she and I met, I had no idea. Now that we've been together almost 3 months (I know, we sound like teenagers but are mid-40's) I know just about everything about her. She has had a few traumatic incidents in her life, and is just now getting counseling about a rape that occured 20 years ago. She was diagnosed with PTSD, and she is also bipolar. She is seeing a therapist with me to help me understand it better, as we both have issues from our past and both have a similar defense mechanism and want to learn how to deal with it.

Many would tell me that it's too much drama and work for a new relationship, but the one thing about her that makes me stay is that she has not ever felt that our 'arguments' were a reason to leave, and feels so very connected to me that she constantly talks about our long future together. Even her family has told me that they are amazed she is as happy as she is, and that they are all pulling for me and think I'm great for her. It's reciprocal, she's great for me, too.

So what do I do when things get tough? I've learned to detect her changes in mood and when she's about to cry because of something that's happened. There are times when I feel like I'm dealing with a small, lost little girl, and other times when I know I'm with a woman who loves me. When I hear the little girl in her cry out, I'm compassionate and tell her that I love her, and that I'm on her side and will help her through everything. I'm not good at it, but getting better. I can feel cornered too, but am learning how to work with her when things get tough.

At times I feel like I'm giving in when I shouldn't have to, but I always know that what I'm giving in to isn't that big of a deal. We set boundaries, and we make it a point to tell each other we love each other. I haven't pressed sex with her, and that helps her a lot to deal with her own emotions about it. She is, however, very very affectionate with me and for some reason sees me as the man she was meant to be with. I offer to help her with whatever I can, and although it's very difficult at times I do honestly feel that it's the best relationship of my life...and I remind her of that very often. We talk several times a day, and always talk before bedtime.

She needs to feel loved, and understood...where her family and others around her don't provide it. I give her that, and her low spots aren't nearly as long as they used to be. She shut me out once or twice and we talked about it. Now she calls me when she's upset and hasn't shut me out since then. Are we making progress? I think so, but sometimes it feels like two steps forward and one step backwards.

I know she sometimes needs her space, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to see me or that she doesn't love me...it just means that in her present state she fears she is not 'herself' and doesn't want me to see her that way. She once told her parents that she's worried she will lose me because of her 'issues', but I assured her that she's stuck with me through thick and thin.

All of these things have helped...and kept us both in love.

best wishes...hope I've helped a little.