Relationship My Mom has PTSD and I can’t do anything right. How can I better support her?

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@JJmorgan
Hello,
Im a single mom and I have cPTSD.
For my whole motherhood until few months ago there wasnt a moment I didnt deeply hate myself.
My youngest has undiagnosed but obvious developmental issues because when I was pregnant with him his dad abused me a lot. Ive been in health investigations for the past 5 years for severe progressive mysterious neurological symptoms. Been told I probably had progressive ms but they cant find anything. I came to a conclusion that I have CTE from too many brain injury and the dr said its very probable. It makes my PTSD worse.

I will tell you what helps me and what doesnt.
First few months ago when I started sharing to my only friend how I was exhausted of life and would try anything but meds at this point she talked me into completely turning upside down my diet. I was desesperate and felt a bit dissmissed again but why not. I thought yeah Like a diet could do something all the therapies and meds didnt accomplish... What does she know anyway... But as she was the only one to still care I decided to do everything she told me. In february after few weeks being completely casein free, sugar free, gluten free and mostly processed food free I felt mentally a different person.
I have been in major depression since my childhood. Being disapointed to still be alive every morning I woke up was just routine for me.
Its been 8 months now and I can say the thing that made me become a better mom is to not feel guilty 24/7 anymore and diet has done that. The more I hated myself the more unfair and impulsive I was. I consulted for that at an urgent care mental clinic few years back... They closed my file saying my shutdown was my fault because I didnt want to try... Sometimes trying the most popukar thing isnt what you need. I realised no therapist was never gonna help me and moved in a peacefull small town and started talking to my kids about ptsd and symptoms and that when/if I do this or say that or if Im suddenly in a different mood its not their fault and I tell them what to do.
I tell them that Its my responsibility to be consciencious of my words and how I feel. That if I zone out or feel my state of mind change and tell them to leave me alone and let me go to my room, to not disturb me for a while they need to listen. I can only do so much to control myself and the best I can do is to realize it when its gonna happen and communicate my needs right away. Respect is to give time and space too. When I was with my abusive ex, few times he had psychosis when I was alone with him and sometimes he wanted to kill me thinking I was someone else. I got out of it alive pretending I was playing some kind of role in his hallucinations. I played along. I had an abusive dad and couple bf and I learned to say whatever I had to say to calm them down until the moment was appropriate to have a real talk about what happened. What I mean to say is that you have to know them well enough to know when its the right time if you chose to stay in their life. But if there is never a good time its not worth it.
No matter how much I hate to have ptsd symptoms and no matter how bad I just want to be the best mom in the world for my boys to become good men and not end up with trauma... I need to accept there will always be bad moments.
A while ago when I was trying everything that is supose to heal ptsd I thought playing in loop in my head my bad behaviour to punish me was somehow gonna make me stop having bad behaviour but it was traumatizing me making my ptsd symptoms more present.
Once I changed my diet I got more mental clarity and more energy to make more efforts and I felt more often proud of myself and less guilty.
Few weeks ago I was told It was mandatory to find a gp and get medical report updates to keep receiving my disability cheque. I got lots of flashbacks from medical trauma by drs who did everything to dissmiss my symptoms and made my ptsd worse. Because of the anxiety it put me in I had some severe symptoms unfortunately my kids had to witness and then I hated myself so much that I wasnt able and still not able to get any sleep. Which in return makes me very irritable. I feel the only 2 persons in the world who care about me and who I care about are distancing themselves from me and I feel terribly bad about it but I understand. But its very difficult to know what to do. Its not like apologizing was gonna change anything.

I dont know your moms personality I only know me but having ptsd is extremely challenging and draining. When my kids are old enough to leave home I will not blame them if they move far away I think it might be good for them but Im sure I will feel abandoned sometimes. Thinking that motivates me because I dont want to loose me and I want to be part of their life forever.
Your mom needs to learn self-awareness. She needs to decide if she wants to be in your life or not.
I were you I would tell her I will only keep contact if she proves me she's working on herself. Personally Im pretty determined to woek on myself alone. Its my wayto show my kids resilience. Therapies or meds only made things worse but evryone is different.
What helps me getting better is diet, reading a lot about self-development and finding a purpose.

If your mom would not give a try to these three things its that she doesnt want to get better.
She probably does not love herself and thats the worst poison. If my kids were seting new boundaries with me I think it would actually help me more.

I would write her a letter and give her some ressources or even send her books and articles on natural ways to heal, some podcast maybe. Lewis Howes on youtube has been through trauma like rape as a little boy and now he helps people through his channel "school of greatness" he has helped me more than all the therapist I've seen.
I would tell her that I love her and cant stand hearing her in that state of mind anymore because its damaging, to only communicate back if she has done some progress on herself and that if she cant then she will have to not communicate with you directly or indirectly until she has.

Being the child of a ptsd parent is traumatizing enough and it should not continue in adulthood when you are supoose to be free. You have enough of your own life to heal from. She should be the one helping you heal from the trauma she gave you even if it wasnt her fault not the other way around.
Also ; Writing helps many people with ptsd but there is a good and bad way to do it. Writing about your goals is good. Writing about trauma is not.

Neuro-linguistic programation, Diet, Podcast, Reading, writing and find PURPOSE
Tried these things for yourself first and take the time you need to heal from her.

Peace
 
That’s all well and good, but let’s not lose focus.

In this part of the forum, we worry about the supporter’s well being. The focus is always on the sufferer and their PTSD, how they’re feeling, and what they need. In this one little nook it’s about the supporter getting a little support for a change.

Let’s focus on OP’s care and not her mother’s. Sounds like mom gets enough attention elsewhere.
 
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