Arichikamiki
New Here
We have been through a lot. We dated 14 years ago back when we knew nothing about PTSD and he was self medicating with drugs and alcohol. We had been dating about a year and were talking marriage when he hit the wall... the trigger? His mom's health. She had cancer that had spread from one type to another and was hospitalized. When we first started dating he had told me that he had done meth but that he was clean... turns out that he was clean for a little while and then he was just good at hiding it. After she was hospitalized he didn't bother hiding it. I was young and I didn't understand what was going on. At the time I thought it was me... I struggled to hang on for a while but kept feeling like i was being pulled into a black hole and finally broke free. I moved home. He was from one state and I from another with 1300 miles between us. We lost contact when the cell phone bill couldn't be paid and didn't hear from each other again.
Fast forward 10 years, I woke in the middle of the night from a dream about him calling out to me from behind a fog. I knew I had to look for him... So I got on the computer and started my search. I'm very good at this... I found a news article of his arrest (meth) and then another of his sentencing. I found a way to contact him and started writing. He was in prison for a year and then probation for a year. During that time our relationship was renewed.. I seriously couldn't believe that I was starting a relationship with a man in prison... I visited him while on probation and we planned a life together and of him moving out to where I lived. We got engaged but couldn't get married because of some VA government mix up with his PTSD claim. basically had we got married at the time he would lose the money he was getting until the PTSD claim was approved (originally there was no mention of his being in Desert Storm in his records). Anyway, we waited and we waited. Everything during this time was going well. He still had symptoms but was working on them and was doing great. Not to mention that he was clean and sober! We also were going to church regularly. He loved the church and was very active in it. Then two months ago he said we should get married anyway. Just get married and forget about the money... God would provide. I was SO happy. We started planning immediately and planned for a September wedding. Then we got a call... his dad was in the hospital and was going to die. We booked flights out that day but before they even took off he was gone. The funeral brought out a lot of family drama and he was the one that ended up being the peace maker. He dealt with everything and was really good at it. But it took a toll. He stayed a month to get his father's things settled. It was a thankless job. Two weeks into it I noticed the difference in him and I asked if he wanted to postpone the wedding... he did. It was very hard for me to do it but I knew it needed to be done.
Then he finally came home. That first week was hell. He was distant, cold and angry. He relapsed. We talked a little about it. He told me things I already knew like how he didn't think he could love... I knew this, I knew where he was and what was going on but it was still hard to hear and I reacted with tears and emotion just what he couldn't handle at the time. He told me then that he had opened up to a nephew (this is an adult I'm talking about) and that when he did he got violent and he punched him. Said it was all his nephew could do to just hold on to him until he could calm down. In one of our talks he said "I need to work on me. I want to do that here but I don't know that I can. I may go here, or here or here... I don't know" (just staying anonymous). This sounded so indefinite to me... like he could be gone years and I told him that if that were the case I could not wait for him again. Told him that I had waited for him long enough. (I realize now that this may have been a mistake... it was good that I tried to set a boundary but by doing so it cut off communication about the subject. If I have any regrets this is it. I wish I would have asked more questions and fully understood him before I made a statement like that.)
The next week he went to church camp. This was the second year he would go and be a dorm dad. He said he was up to it and he said that the kids brought him joy like nothing else could. I visited one day just like last year. He was distant but the visit wasn't terrible. While he was gone I took time to think and I knew when he got back that things would be better or at least I would be more ready to handle things. When he came home things started to unravel. I work a 24 hour shit from Friday to Saturday. While I was at work he went to the bank and opened a checking and savings account just in his name and talked to a girl about a secured credit card... When he told me about it he made it sound like it was spontaneous and the secured card was to help him build his credit. I confronted him and told him what we had talked about last week and that this made me think he was getting ready to leave. He denied it and said he only opened the accounts because he gets the secured card without any fees.
The next couple of days he was out in the garage doing recycling (how we make extra money). I thought oh good he is out doing something besides sitting and watching tv.. things are going to get better. We are going to make it! I realize now that he was just doing it so that he could have the money to leave without taking away the money I needed to do bills.
Then came Friday. He seemed even more distant. I could tell that something was bothering him and figured it was his dad. He even seemed to be choked up at one point. I realize now that he was struggling with the fact that he was leaving. When I started to leave for work I walked over to him like I always do and gave him a peck on the lips and told him I loved him. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary with that. I went to work and a few hours later my neighbor and our good friend called and text me that he had packed up and left. I immediately left work and came home. He had taken all of the things that he could fit in his car... didn't leave a note or anything for me and didn't wouldn't answer his phone or text. I can't even put into words how I felt.
He didn't call until 3am that night... We have talked a little since but not much. I truly understand the why I just can't get over the how. Make sense? I know that his anger was getting the best of him and that he was honestly worried that he would say the wrong thing or physically lash out at me (He has NEVER EVER done anything to make me afraid of him. Never raised a hand to me or even threatened). So, I know he did what he felt he had to do in a way to protect me. I just wish he could have said something and that he could have left in a more positive way.
So, as I said we have talked a little and last night he was supposed to call me back but didn't and I panicked wondering where he was and if he was ok on the road. I was up all night and finally this morning I realized that I have to just let him go. As hard as it is to do I have to. I wrote him a pretty long email telling him that he can have his space and that I was okay with it. Also gave him some resources that could help him and told him how much I loved him. I told him that he didn't have to feel obligated to contact me but that if he wanted to I would be here. So, here I sit telling all of you my long story. I know it was long and if you got this far, thank you. It was good therapy for me to just get it all out there. I know I'm going to get through this I'm just so sad and lost right now I don't know which way is up.
Fast forward 10 years, I woke in the middle of the night from a dream about him calling out to me from behind a fog. I knew I had to look for him... So I got on the computer and started my search. I'm very good at this... I found a news article of his arrest (meth) and then another of his sentencing. I found a way to contact him and started writing. He was in prison for a year and then probation for a year. During that time our relationship was renewed.. I seriously couldn't believe that I was starting a relationship with a man in prison... I visited him while on probation and we planned a life together and of him moving out to where I lived. We got engaged but couldn't get married because of some VA government mix up with his PTSD claim. basically had we got married at the time he would lose the money he was getting until the PTSD claim was approved (originally there was no mention of his being in Desert Storm in his records). Anyway, we waited and we waited. Everything during this time was going well. He still had symptoms but was working on them and was doing great. Not to mention that he was clean and sober! We also were going to church regularly. He loved the church and was very active in it. Then two months ago he said we should get married anyway. Just get married and forget about the money... God would provide. I was SO happy. We started planning immediately and planned for a September wedding. Then we got a call... his dad was in the hospital and was going to die. We booked flights out that day but before they even took off he was gone. The funeral brought out a lot of family drama and he was the one that ended up being the peace maker. He dealt with everything and was really good at it. But it took a toll. He stayed a month to get his father's things settled. It was a thankless job. Two weeks into it I noticed the difference in him and I asked if he wanted to postpone the wedding... he did. It was very hard for me to do it but I knew it needed to be done.
Then he finally came home. That first week was hell. He was distant, cold and angry. He relapsed. We talked a little about it. He told me things I already knew like how he didn't think he could love... I knew this, I knew where he was and what was going on but it was still hard to hear and I reacted with tears and emotion just what he couldn't handle at the time. He told me then that he had opened up to a nephew (this is an adult I'm talking about) and that when he did he got violent and he punched him. Said it was all his nephew could do to just hold on to him until he could calm down. In one of our talks he said "I need to work on me. I want to do that here but I don't know that I can. I may go here, or here or here... I don't know" (just staying anonymous). This sounded so indefinite to me... like he could be gone years and I told him that if that were the case I could not wait for him again. Told him that I had waited for him long enough. (I realize now that this may have been a mistake... it was good that I tried to set a boundary but by doing so it cut off communication about the subject. If I have any regrets this is it. I wish I would have asked more questions and fully understood him before I made a statement like that.)
The next week he went to church camp. This was the second year he would go and be a dorm dad. He said he was up to it and he said that the kids brought him joy like nothing else could. I visited one day just like last year. He was distant but the visit wasn't terrible. While he was gone I took time to think and I knew when he got back that things would be better or at least I would be more ready to handle things. When he came home things started to unravel. I work a 24 hour shit from Friday to Saturday. While I was at work he went to the bank and opened a checking and savings account just in his name and talked to a girl about a secured credit card... When he told me about it he made it sound like it was spontaneous and the secured card was to help him build his credit. I confronted him and told him what we had talked about last week and that this made me think he was getting ready to leave. He denied it and said he only opened the accounts because he gets the secured card without any fees.
The next couple of days he was out in the garage doing recycling (how we make extra money). I thought oh good he is out doing something besides sitting and watching tv.. things are going to get better. We are going to make it! I realize now that he was just doing it so that he could have the money to leave without taking away the money I needed to do bills.
Then came Friday. He seemed even more distant. I could tell that something was bothering him and figured it was his dad. He even seemed to be choked up at one point. I realize now that he was struggling with the fact that he was leaving. When I started to leave for work I walked over to him like I always do and gave him a peck on the lips and told him I loved him. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary with that. I went to work and a few hours later my neighbor and our good friend called and text me that he had packed up and left. I immediately left work and came home. He had taken all of the things that he could fit in his car... didn't leave a note or anything for me and didn't wouldn't answer his phone or text. I can't even put into words how I felt.
He didn't call until 3am that night... We have talked a little since but not much. I truly understand the why I just can't get over the how. Make sense? I know that his anger was getting the best of him and that he was honestly worried that he would say the wrong thing or physically lash out at me (He has NEVER EVER done anything to make me afraid of him. Never raised a hand to me or even threatened). So, I know he did what he felt he had to do in a way to protect me. I just wish he could have said something and that he could have left in a more positive way.
So, as I said we have talked a little and last night he was supposed to call me back but didn't and I panicked wondering where he was and if he was ok on the road. I was up all night and finally this morning I realized that I have to just let him go. As hard as it is to do I have to. I wrote him a pretty long email telling him that he can have his space and that I was okay with it. Also gave him some resources that could help him and told him how much I loved him. I told him that he didn't have to feel obligated to contact me but that if he wanted to I would be here. So, here I sit telling all of you my long story. I know it was long and if you got this far, thank you. It was good therapy for me to just get it all out there. I know I'm going to get through this I'm just so sad and lost right now I don't know which way is up.
