My Firstborn Needs Justice

[Mary Haswell]

I am the mother of two beautiful daughters, one is 9 and the other is going to be 17 in December.
My children have different fathers. Right before 2000, I left my firstborn's father and took her with
me, because, after all she was just a baby and I was her mother. Not long after I left, her father
had filed for custody and because the judge denied me due process and because of gender
bias-granted custody to my ex husband. I was never summoned to court for any proceedings,
just got a notice in the mail that he had won custody of my baby.

Fast Forward: In the spring of 2009, I got a phone call from my ex's new wife stating that, " I'd better
get my *ss over here because Larry is beating the sh** out of, Jasmine." Then she proceeded to
hold the phone up for me to hear her screaming, crying and begging her father to stop. I immediately
filed for custody the next day. And I won because my ex husband didn't want it to reach the courts.

Since she has been with me I have found out about a lot of the things that happened to her while she
was in her father's custody-the beatings, the verbal abuse, the mental and emotional torment and I have also found out that her stepbrother had raped her repeatedly from the time she was 6 until she turned 8. I also learned that she didn't tell me about any of it out of fear of reprisals from her stepmother.

So now, I have a teenager who is clinically depressed, has suicidal thoughts and tendencies, low self-esteem and a child due in November. Oh, and she cuts herself.

I am fully convinced that my daughter is suffering from PTSD due to what she had been put through
while in her father's custody, I am also convinced that the judge was negligent in his duties, and he
failed to do "what was in the best interest of the child" as his decision was only based on her father's
claims.

It tears me apart to see how much she is hurting and suffering with the after effects of living with her
father and stepmother, but I do not know how to go about helping her as I have never dealt with PTSD. If there is anyone who can guide or advise me, it would be greatly appreciated.

I have every intention of suing both the judge and the city-my daughter will get justice-but that won't
help much in the way of putting her back together.

 

[Nemone]

Oh my god, that is terrible. I'm sure you've already looked into getting a therapist or psychiatrist for her, if not I would do so quickly. She might not really trust them though. She is already 17 so if I were you, maybe you should have her look at this site herself and she may feel better realizing that others also have suffered and she is not alone and not trapped anymore.

This may seem silly but when I first got my chinchilla I thought he was a lot like me. They are extremely shy creatures and they don't trust people easily. You have to get them used to you by just sitting near their cage at first. Offer them treats but don't approach them quickly or carelessly, let them come to you. You have to slowly get them used to you and teach them that they can trust you. Every time you carelessly get too close or scare them by trying to hold them or force them to do something they don't want to, it lengthens the time it takes them to trust you. It requires extreme patience and can take between 6months to a year or even more to start forming a bond with them. I'm not saying you should treat your daughter like a pet but I think you can find some parallels. I would try to make her feel as safe as possible and show her that you are there for her but don't force her to open up to you if she isn't ready.

I think remaining as calm as you can in front of her is best too. You can show your anger at your ex but I would make sure there is no yelling or raising your voice. I don't know if it's the case for her, but for me if my husband yells at our kids I sometimes get scared and cry even though I know I'm not the one he's yelling at. Once when he cut himself on a knife (and I know it hurt) he yelled and banged his hand on the cutting board really hard in anger I jumped from in the other room and then started crying because I got scared. He's had to learn to control himself around me a lot. Even raising his voice at me, which he doesn't consider as yelling, will make me cry. So yeah, calm tone of voice and just try to take note of things that set her off and avoid doing them until she can maybe start to feel like it's not bad to be alive.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. I am so sorry for what happened to you daughter, and perhaps the hardest thing in the world is knowing our child has been hurt and watching them suffer.

If at all possible, see if your daughter is willing to talk to a therapist. I would also suggest that as a family you see if there is therapy available. You will need to be there to listen to your daughter and that in itself is so hard emotionally. You also need to be prepared for behaviors that are difficult as she works through her issues. Becoming angry is normal, but also difficult for the family to handle.

I have daughters that were abused and I understand the pain, frustration, and anger. She may not want to see any type of therapist or have any counseling, so be prepared; and unless she is an immediate danger to herself or others, you need to wait until she is ready. But do not hesitate to get counseling for yourself, as this will only make you more capable of helping yourself and your daughter.

Wishing you the best.
Debbie

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Mary, how hard this must be on you and even more so, your daughter. I think both of you woul need professional support and guidance at this moment. Coming here to vent out is the best thing you can do for now as you will get support from other members who have similar experiences. Taking on the "system" to sue them for their inadequate judgement is a very BIG thing which will take alot of energy, time and money. Do you have some support from an organization who will help you with this kind of project ? Keep us posted.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, Mary!

I am extremely sorry for what you and your daughter have experienced. I hope you find support and information here. I have had very similar experiences to your daughter in addition to medical trauma while growing up. I hope your daughter receives help and support as early as possible, which is age and maturity-level appropriate. As a soon-to-be teenage mom in many ways she will need to make decisions of an adult while in reality still being a teenager. That alone is often difficult. Now add the trauma and the stress can be multiplied.

What kinds of resources and help is your daughter willing to accept? Is she receiving any help being a teenage parent? Is the child's father involved?

Depending on where you live you can probably find resources targeted specifically at the various stressors you and your daughter are experiencing. If you need any help locating resources, I am willing to help. I am a child psychologist (a researcher and academic, not a clinician), but I am familiar with resources and can locate international and national resources.

Best of luck on your journey!

Take care!

 

[KP the nut]

(((Mary))), welcome to the forum, I am so pleased you found us and had the strength to post. There is so much support and information both for yourself and your daughter.

If your daughter will accept professional help, it would be good although there is no quick fix. But the guidance of a therapist trained in sexual abuse therapy would be invaluable. Therapy would also be helpful to you, I am a Mum and I have an idea how I would feel if this had happened to one of my daughters.

Take your time looking around, post as often as you need. There is so much support and friendship here, you are no longer on your own.

Take care
KP