My Girlfriend Has Ptsd Related Nightmares

[BloomInWinter]

It's wonderful that you care for and about her so much.

She has a right to choose to live in her own suffering, but you are not obligated to share her suffering any more than you have to. It is perfectly ok to find what you are willing to live with and let her know what that boundary is. If you're willing to be woken up and live with it, that's a valid choice to make.

But if you're not, you have other possible choices. You can let her know you need your sleep too and choose to sleep elsewhere unless she goes to therapy to deal with the cause of her nightmares. Or, you can choose to walk away. Or schedule different sleeping times.

As a sufferer, my loved ones thought they were helping me by twisting their lives into a pretzel to accommodate my symptoms. That allowed me to sink really low before I sought help. That was unfair of me to allow it though I didn't know it at the time. Once I knew how much I was taking away from their lives, I decided to face whatever was necessary to minimize the negative effects on my hubby and kids.

I don't have to like it when my husband chooses to do things he wants to do when I'm isolating, but it is utterly necessary for his health. He can't give me support if he is tired, lonely, depressed, and isolated.

My hubby entered therapy too in order to help him deal with my symptoms. His willingness to do that and continue has helped our household tremendously. He still enables me when I'm feeling really low, but I'm doing all my therapy to decrease that until hopefully we're on more even ground.

But his committment to me makes me feel determined to go back to EMDR every week to heal what is possible, grieve for what was lost, and learn how to set healthier goals.

My best suggestion to any supporter is put your health and safety first. Keep doing the things you do which energize you. Communicate how her symptoms affect you. Don't bother "letting it go" until you have faced it, addressed it in therapy, and taken the wisdom you can out of the situation first.

Nightmares are our brain's attempt at trying to process our traumas. But nightmares aren't enough, and no person can be our cure. Indeed, no person should expect another human being to be their only resource. It shouldn't take two people to live one life.

I rarely wake up screaming anymore. I also haven't punched my hubby in my sleep in a few years now. Therapy isn't just a means of getting better. It's a gift I choose to give myself and my loved ones out of respect for their autonomy and right to a good life.

 

[jankdingus]

thanks guys I really appreciate all of this. all the info and suggestions are being taken into account as I go through this with her. I would do anything for this girl but it's hard because while I'm trying my best to bring those feelings out that she's stifled for years and assessing/validating those feelings and analyzing the dreams (it's an exact repeat of the event everytime) I'm really just winging it.

I tell her that a professional had practice and techniques on this but she shuts it out. she has no friends and no one else to confide in or trust.

I'm very patient with her because I know it's a stressful thing to go through. I got to the actual retelling of her trauma yesterday. heartbreaking but we opened up a lot of closed doors and I tried to help her make peace with it and clarify it was not get fault.

today in thinking of helping her examine her dreams and see if we can't figure out a positive way to change it. maybe give her a different outcome she can focus on before bed.

my heart dropped this morning when she said "I need to die." after she cut her skin up. I know I'm not obligated to do any of this. but I love this girl with all my heart and I need to help her. because I care about her that much.

 

[mytai]

@jankdingus If you ever get to the point where you are concerned that she is at risk of taking her life, make sure you call the police or ambulance. She may be very angry but it's what you need to do. Don't ever take it upon yourself to prevent her from killing herself. That is too much stress and pressure for you. Not to mention how you would feel if you failed to stop her.

Like everyone has said before me, you can't force her to get help. If you feel like it is a good idea maybe you can provide her with the names and numbers of a few trauma therapists in your area.

Make sure to take alone time for yourself, or with friends to relax and have fun. You can't support someone when you aren't in a good place yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

I totally think what Helen said is exactly true. What Bloom said is so true, too.

But you should also not be put in a position of such stress/ fear.

She has processed 'something' to tell you as much as she has. And must trust you. The therapy part is (as is all of it) very overwhelming ('deal with your trauma' takes virtually a lifetime, I swear). But versus self-harming and feeling this way she needs it. The nightmares are a symptom, as others have said. But it's like trying to stuff one of those pop-out snakes in a jar, when the lid is opened. :(

The positive is, she must have felt more safe to 'fall apart' (strange as that sounds). Keep being yourself, see if she will listen to you (positive encouragement for seeing a therapist).

Best wishes to you both.

 

[Kat83]

Hi, my partner suffers terrible nightmares too, not for the same reasons but like your girlfriend, he wakes up screaming, terrified, sweating and genuinely is suffering. I find going to bed at night holding him tight and not letting go helps him to feel safer falling asleep, I also feel him thrashing about in bed as the nightmares take hold so I'm able to wake him up. Its important that I reassure him where he is and that he is safe and nothing is going to hurt him or happen to him, if he can't go back off we stay up and chat for hours on end. PTSD is a damn right cruel illness and I understand your pain in that you feel so helpless as there is little that we can do to ease the suffering but, I've started to look at it this way, the little things we can do count so much more than nothing even if we feel that we aren't doing very much to help. Reassure your girlfriend that no matter what happens you love her, your always there for her and be there when she eventually finds herself ready to open up and deal with the issues. My partner is about to begin his treatment and I'll do whatever it takes to help see him through that, get involved in it and be there right by his side. When you love somebody, you don't let an illness destroy you, you find the way and you come through it. I wish you well with all of this, if ever you want to chat drop me a message :)

 

[kinigmaverick]

Hey I just wanted to say, I've had two relationship were both my girlfriend had this problem, the first one ended up with her running away, and I don't know were she is, but I think she happy. and I'm currently in one right now.

I know your pain bro, the pain not being able to do anything, it hurts and messes with your head. but all you can do is have faith that think will get better. You can't just ask her about it. But try every once in awhile to, remind her, that your here for her.

Now I know this my sound a little weird, but the best think I've find out that works, is when your dating someone with these problems is that you have to trick them into telling you things because they wont tell you right away. But by telling them your here for them and that it would help if they talk about, it would help. they sometime will tell you.

I'll end with this I've told my girlfriend this many time and I think it help. "I can't help you. you can only help your self, I'm willing to give a helping hand but you, in the end have to grab it."