Supporter My Girlfriend Has Ptsd Related To Sexual Abuse

[Pablo Garduño]

Hi, I'm kind of new here. About a year and a half ago, when she was dating another guy (her first boyfriend), my girlfriend was abused sexually. We're just 15 now, so she was 13 back when it happened. Her boyfriend at the time, let's call him Liam, was at her house while she was home alone. They were watching a movie and he started to touch her. She told him to stop because she felt uncomfortable, but he kept going and ended up touching her in several places that made her feel very uncomfortable. She didn't know what to do after he didn't stop, so she just sat there and tried to ignore it. After several months, she broke up with him, and her whole class called her a bitch because Liam was sad.

This added to the trauma that was already there. On top of that, he followed her home one day and she had to scream at him to leave her alone. We have been dating for several months now and it's been amazing, but I'm afraid her trauma and the lack of sexual activity (?) that comes from it will end up hurting our relationship in the future. This is because I don't know when it will be appropriate to move past kissing. She doesn't like to talk about it, as well as anything that even remotely refers to sex or anything sexual.

I want to help her overcome this experience. I care about her so much, and I want her to live a normal life. I really need help, and I would greatly appreciate it if anyone took the time to help me out with this. Thanks for reading.

 

[Storm-ridden]

The two of you are only 15, right? Has she told anyone what "liam" did? If not, she needs to, and badly. She doesn't need to say who did that to her if she doesn't want to, just that it happened so she can be helped. She needs to talk to a therapist and open up- they have tools that can help her move past it, and may have ideas on how to help you help her as well. My concern if she doesn't tell someone, is that it could get worse, instead of better. I have a niece that went through sexual trauma at the age of 15 and didn't tell anyone. She spiraled down far enough she attempted multiple times to take her own life. I don't want your girlfriend to get anywhere near that stage. I've been through it too, and know just how twisted your thoughts can get about it. Sexual abuse can cause all kinds of wrong, intrusive thoughts, that make no sense, or knee-jerk reactions that worsen with time. It can also cause physical symptoms (I get nauseated at the idea of intimacy if I"m having a bad day sometimes). Talking to a therapist may help, and can give her (and you) tools to overcome what happened to her. PTSD takes a lot of time and effort to heal, but it can be done.

Now that my long-winded spiel on why she needs a therapist is over, welcome to the forum! I hope I"m not being too harpy up there, but I feel kinda strongly about it. But, anyway, any other questions, concerns, whatnot, feel free to ask away.

 

[BloomInWinter]

A 15 year old's "lack of sexual activity" is actually normal, not a symptom of trauma as a 15 year old is far from maturity. If she doesn't wish to be in a sexual relationship, it is her choice. Trying to change her views, pressure her, or label her is a violation of her boundaries and would unacceptable behavior at any age.

Trying to push an abuse survivor sexually for your own benefit isn't helpful nor healing. Pressuring a minor child for sexual activity is selfish and abusive, not to mention illegal in every single state in the United States. She can receive help for what happened to her by calling her local women's domestic abuse or rape hotline. She needs and deserves professional help. She needs adults in her life to help her. If either of her parents are caring, they would want to know.

Has she been diagnosed? Is she receiving professional help?

If you're wondering when it will be ok to move past kissing, the answer legally is at least not until the age of consent in your state or you risk jail. Then, it is only when she wants to, without coercion or pressure, or it is abuse.

Her readiness and/or desire to accommodate your sexual desires shouldn't play any role in her life right now at all.

 

[Orglethorp]

If you're wondering when it will be ok to move past kissing, the answer legally is at least not until the age of consent in your state or you risk jail. Then, it is only when she wants to, without coercion or pressure, or it is abuse..

While I completely agree that being sexually inactive at 15 is normal, entirely her choice, and shouldn't have to have anything to do with her past trauma, I'm not sure this statement is entirely correct. In most cases I've heard of, there's a secondary law that permits sexual activity between minors within 2 years of one another's age, providing its consensual. There's usually an age limit with these laws too, but often lower than the general age of consent. Where I live, the age of consent is 16, or 14 with parental permission, but kids 12+ cannot be charged for consensual acts with another kid aged 12+ as long as the age gap is 2 years or less. There's no need to scare anyone here.

 

[bell]

First of all, you're only 15.
Secondly, how about asking her when it's okay to move past kissing?

If you can't ask (and then respect her answer no matter what it is), you're too young to be asking. If she doesn't want to talk about it, respect her wishes. If she doesn't want to talk about it, either she isn't ready to have sex and/or needs to go see a therapist. Just because she doesn't want to sleep with you doesn't mean she won't have a normal life.

but I'm afraid her trauma and the lack of sexual activity (?) that comes from it will end up hurting our relationship in the future

This sounds like you mean it will cause you to break up with her if she doesn't comply. That's not a real relationship.

I care about her so much,

If you really do care about her, you will respect her wishes and stop focusing on other stuff. She will probably talk to you about it the longer you are together, but the more you pressure her in any way, shape or form, the more she will pull away.

 

[Bedbug]

I agree with some of the concerns expressed above but I also wanted to say that it is nice to see so much compassion in a young lad. Welcome!

 

[BloomInWinter]

In many US states, it is a legally a crime.

"In Illinois, the age of consent for sexual relations is currently 17. Sexual relations - even consensual sexual relations - with someone who does not meet this threshold age are illegal. Those who are accused may be found guilty of one or more of the multitude of Illinois [DLMURL="http://www.shaneylaw.com/Sex-Offenses/Sexual-Assault-Abuse.shtml"]sex-related crimes[/DLMURL]." [DLMURL]http://www.shaneylaw.com/Articles/Statutory-Rape-in-Illinois-Sex-Crimes-Involving-Minors.shtml[/DLMURL]

Wisconsin - "Sexual intercourse with a child 16 or older occurs when there is sexual intercourse between a minor who is 16 or 17 and a defendant of any age (unless the defendant is the minor’s spouse, described below). This offense is a class A misdemeanor, which incurs a fine of up to $10,000, up to nine months in jail, or both. (Wi. Stat. Ann. § 948.02 & 948.09.)" Source: http://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/wisconsin-statutory-rape-laws.htm

Not fear-mongering, but fact in some areas. Best to know the laws in your area.

 

[Overcast]

How about continuing to get to no her and show her you love her for her mind, thoughts interests etc. it sounds like you really care for her and want to know her more intimately. There are a lot of ways to know someone without sex. The time waiting will be more precious to both of you if and when it occurs. If it doesn't then you have a great friend.

 

[NovemberStar]

You're just 15 - while its very commendable you are seeking help and support for how to prevent further trauma for your girlfriend (this shows maturity), I personally think the Q of sexual activity should be off the cards altogether.

Why?

Firstly, you're both very young - the laws surrounding sexual activity are there for a reason. It's not to stop you being a 'grown up' - it's because the law recognizes that a young person just does not have the emotional maturity too fully comprehend the impact of sexual activity, YET. Heck - many much older, wiser people still don't.

Secondly - because she has been traumatized already. She doesn't need more pressure, more sex - her young age probably only compounded the trauma; this is the very reason there is a law in the first place - TO PREVENT young people being traumatized by things they are not mature enough emotion ally to deal with yet.

I think, if you really care for your girlfriend, you will put all idea's of sexual activity aside and focus on how best to be her FRIEND, or a boyfriend, without the sex for now.

Finally, to look at it as 'if she doesn't get past this we can't be together' speaks volumes about your deeper motives here - what is more important to you - that she isn't triggered into trauma so you can have sex with her, or is it genuinely about caring for her? Because if you really do care about her as a person, then you would not feel her not having sex with you would spell the end of your relationship with her.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I realize that things move faster these days, but worrying that the lack of sex in a relationship between two fifteen year olds will cause the relationship to fall apart just blows my mind.

She's not ready for sex. She may not want sex for a long time. If you need sex, do this girl a favor and move on.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Pablo,

Encouraging your girl friend and being supportive of her seeking help is a wonderful thing to do. She needs time and assistance to work through all of the issues that arise from being sexually abused. Also, make sure that you are comfortable with dealing with these types of issues yourself.

You are both young and a sexual relationship is just more than the physical. Our society tends to just focus on the physical aspects and overlooks the psychological and emotion aspects of sexual intimacy. Care enough about yourself and your partner to take your time.

Debbie