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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #278
Today was my last day with my sister. She leaves at noon tomorrow and I find myself being afraid to be alone. I know she's only going overnight and then coming back overnight before she heads back to work (if the doctor doesn't sign her off for longer), but once she heads back to work it will be a week and half of my being completely alone. If only she hand't made me so dependent upon her being around - I'll have to establish routines all over again.
I have plans for tomorrow. I'm going to tidy up our laundry room and remove his belongings from there. I'm going to see if I can find some big storage bins to start to place his clothing in. I may wash our sheets - not sure about that step yet, they're off the bed but I can't push myself to wash them yet. I would also like to gather up all of his shoes/boots and put them all together. I'm not donating or getting rid of anything yet, I think at this point I'm just "organizing him".
I was cleaning out the medicine cupboard today and found the chocolates that I'd bought him for Valentines Day (and had hidden), the ones I never got to give to him. I put them on the table and said to my sister that we could eat them later. During dinner I was staring at her as she flipped the box over and read them and I just burst into tears thinking, "I didn't get a chance to give him his Valentine's Day gift. I bought it super early and hid them to surprise him." He died four days after I bought those stupid chocolates. Needless to say, we didn't touch them tonight, maybe we'll try to eat them on Wednesday when she comes back.
I got a reply today from one place I sent an inquiry this past weekend about suicide survivor support groups or programs, they said there's nothing they know of in my local area!! They gave me directions to a place that is over an hour away, like I'm made of money or something! It's completely insane that there is nowhere for me to go around here to talk to other spouses, to interact with real people and share my story. I just don't understand, is he the only one who's committed suicide in this area? I think not. There have to be others out there who are still reeling like me.
I'm going to try to call some places tomorrow after my sister leaves. I don't want to cause her any more worry than she already has. Heaven forbid I "give her PTSD". I think the hardest part for me is not going to have anyone here to talk too. I'm going to have to get used to talking to myself or the fish or the teddy bears. After the last phone bill, I'm staying away from that thing completely. My sister suggested a VOIP service, apparently they're super cheap in the long term after an initial up front cost. I'm considering it since it costs me over a hundred dollars a month just to have a phone service, not including making calls on it. Everyone keeps telling me to switch fully to my cell phone and get rid of the landline completely, but I'm afraid I'll end up paying way more than I would have with the landline - my cell company is ridiculously pricey.
Finances. Huge worry right now.
Pain, pain, pain too. Just a deep seeded ache in my core. I've really no appetite but I'm eating anyway. I've got to remind myself to drink water. I wake up every morning and just do not want to get out of bed. I just want to be a little sushi roll in my bed and not move. I wish I could just be given permission for one day to just lay in bed, cry and be depressed...just one day and then I'll get up and be me again.
Wednesday night might be a bad night for me. The insurance company lady is stopping by in the afternoon to "help me fill out the forms" and again, I don't see why - he didn't die during regular use and operation of his vehicle...I really can't say at this point how he even died and what the exact circumstances were. They also have to wait for the coroner's report and from what his doctor said, that report won't be finished for another 6-8 months...so even if I miraculously qualify for some "accident benefit", I won't even see that for another year!! Uggh. So ridiculous. I know I'm going to lose it tomorrow, the disappointment always makes me feel like my world is ending and my future appears dark and gloomy.
I'm afraid. I don't like that panic phase I get into every time I deal with that car stuff. That is the part that scares me, the part where I feel like the world is crashing down around me and there is no future. I don't trust myself when that happens. I don't like feeling like a burden when my sister gives me that scared look because she doesn't know what's wrong with me or how to fix it. I don't like scaring people.
But right now, is right now. I am safe. I am alive. I am grateful despite the loneliness, despite the emptiness, I am still alive.
I miss him every minute.
I have plans for tomorrow. I'm going to tidy up our laundry room and remove his belongings from there. I'm going to see if I can find some big storage bins to start to place his clothing in. I may wash our sheets - not sure about that step yet, they're off the bed but I can't push myself to wash them yet. I would also like to gather up all of his shoes/boots and put them all together. I'm not donating or getting rid of anything yet, I think at this point I'm just "organizing him".
I was cleaning out the medicine cupboard today and found the chocolates that I'd bought him for Valentines Day (and had hidden), the ones I never got to give to him. I put them on the table and said to my sister that we could eat them later. During dinner I was staring at her as she flipped the box over and read them and I just burst into tears thinking, "I didn't get a chance to give him his Valentine's Day gift. I bought it super early and hid them to surprise him." He died four days after I bought those stupid chocolates. Needless to say, we didn't touch them tonight, maybe we'll try to eat them on Wednesday when she comes back.
I got a reply today from one place I sent an inquiry this past weekend about suicide survivor support groups or programs, they said there's nothing they know of in my local area!! They gave me directions to a place that is over an hour away, like I'm made of money or something! It's completely insane that there is nowhere for me to go around here to talk to other spouses, to interact with real people and share my story. I just don't understand, is he the only one who's committed suicide in this area? I think not. There have to be others out there who are still reeling like me.
I'm going to try to call some places tomorrow after my sister leaves. I don't want to cause her any more worry than she already has. Heaven forbid I "give her PTSD". I think the hardest part for me is not going to have anyone here to talk too. I'm going to have to get used to talking to myself or the fish or the teddy bears. After the last phone bill, I'm staying away from that thing completely. My sister suggested a VOIP service, apparently they're super cheap in the long term after an initial up front cost. I'm considering it since it costs me over a hundred dollars a month just to have a phone service, not including making calls on it. Everyone keeps telling me to switch fully to my cell phone and get rid of the landline completely, but I'm afraid I'll end up paying way more than I would have with the landline - my cell company is ridiculously pricey.
Finances. Huge worry right now.
Pain, pain, pain too. Just a deep seeded ache in my core. I've really no appetite but I'm eating anyway. I've got to remind myself to drink water. I wake up every morning and just do not want to get out of bed. I just want to be a little sushi roll in my bed and not move. I wish I could just be given permission for one day to just lay in bed, cry and be depressed...just one day and then I'll get up and be me again.
Wednesday night might be a bad night for me. The insurance company lady is stopping by in the afternoon to "help me fill out the forms" and again, I don't see why - he didn't die during regular use and operation of his vehicle...I really can't say at this point how he even died and what the exact circumstances were. They also have to wait for the coroner's report and from what his doctor said, that report won't be finished for another 6-8 months...so even if I miraculously qualify for some "accident benefit", I won't even see that for another year!! Uggh. So ridiculous. I know I'm going to lose it tomorrow, the disappointment always makes me feel like my world is ending and my future appears dark and gloomy.
I'm afraid. I don't like that panic phase I get into every time I deal with that car stuff. That is the part that scares me, the part where I feel like the world is crashing down around me and there is no future. I don't trust myself when that happens. I don't like feeling like a burden when my sister gives me that scared look because she doesn't know what's wrong with me or how to fix it. I don't like scaring people.
But right now, is right now. I am safe. I am alive. I am grateful despite the loneliness, despite the emptiness, I am still alive.
I miss him every minute.
It's OK to be dependent. It's been good for you to have her there with you. It's a change that she will be away now but that will work out OK too.
You have my full permission to do this!
Can you reach out in just one way to others? I know the finances are a huge thing right now, but try not to let them rule your getting what you need. Budget some of that phone time to talk to someone - keep track of the minutes so you know what you can comfortably do?
Or, take one drive to that more than an hour away place and see what that group is like. Maybe no one has had the energy to start one where you are yet. There's got to be others. Maybe you would meet someone there that lives closer to you and you could get some support there. Reach out somehow when you are up to it.
Sorry about the chocolates.
I will be thinking of you today.
scout86
VIP Member
Dead Link Removed
Link Removed
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Dead Link Removedhttp://www.allianceofhope.org/
I decided to look online for support groups. (I don't remember where you live.) I found some information (and a lot of broken links!). Maybe you can find something from those. I was hoping to just find an actual list of support groups. You'd think such a thing would exist and be easy to find. If it exists, it's not THAT easy to find. But, you're right, you are far from the only person going through this. A couple of those sites offer online forums, it looks like.
One little step at a time, you can get through this! The money problems will sort themselves out, the insurance will sort itself out. It will be ok, even though it probably doesn't seem that way now.
Take the day alone to do something for YOU something you might want to do that your sister wouldn't. Like go for a hike, or meet up with a friend. Take good care of yourself!
Link Removed
Dead Link Removed
Dead Link Removedhttp://www.allianceofhope.org/
I decided to look online for support groups. (I don't remember where you live.) I found some information (and a lot of broken links!). Maybe you can find something from those. I was hoping to just find an actual list of support groups. You'd think such a thing would exist and be easy to find. If it exists, it's not THAT easy to find. But, you're right, you are far from the only person going through this. A couple of those sites offer online forums, it looks like.
One little step at a time, you can get through this! The money problems will sort themselves out, the insurance will sort itself out. It will be ok, even though it probably doesn't seem that way now.
Take the day alone to do something for YOU something you might want to do that your sister wouldn't. Like go for a hike, or meet up with a friend. Take good care of yourself!
Broken Dahlia
Silver Member
Medic72, I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost a few loved ones to suicide, but they were not my partner who I built a life with. I hope you find the support that you need.
I know the circumstances are entirely different, but right now I am wheelchair-bound and unable to leave my house alone. My younger and very immature sister stayed as my "caretaker", trouble was she needed to be taken care of herself. Last week she had had enough, so she left. I was terrified of being alone, but after she left I realized how much energy I was using to be okay for her. I am in terrible physical and emotional pain, and now I don't have to shield her from that. When I am overwhelmed with loneliness I call the crisis line- I don't have to protect their feelings from my reality and I actually get to vent without feeling guilty. I don't mean to diminish what you are going through, I just think you seem like an incredibly strong person who could use that strength for herself rather than helping others right now. Take good care of yourself.
I know the circumstances are entirely different, but right now I am wheelchair-bound and unable to leave my house alone. My younger and very immature sister stayed as my "caretaker", trouble was she needed to be taken care of herself. Last week she had had enough, so she left. I was terrified of being alone, but after she left I realized how much energy I was using to be okay for her. I am in terrible physical and emotional pain, and now I don't have to shield her from that. When I am overwhelmed with loneliness I call the crisis line- I don't have to protect their feelings from my reality and I actually get to vent without feeling guilty. I don't mean to diminish what you are going through, I just think you seem like an incredibly strong person who could use that strength for herself rather than helping others right now. Take good care of yourself.
D
Deleted member 12723
I am so glad that you are taking your time in making decisions and that you might be able to get some support.
- Post starter
- #284
@scout86 thank you for the links. I've contacted the Toronto distress center but they weren't much help because they didn't know of anything in my area. I will check out the other links you suggested ( I may have already been to a couple of them).
I emailed the local chapter of the mental health association, again they weren't familiar with anything suicide support related in my particular town and I emailed the local hospice who put me in touch with a lady who is doing the research for me as we speak....okay, not as we speak, she's likely asleep but she'll get back to me with what she finds out.
Here's an interesting thing, when someone says to me, "I'm sorry for your loss." I don't really know what to say back to them, usually I just end up saying "Thanks" and try to shrug it off. I'm sure absolute strangers don't want me to go into a huge diatribe about what I'm going through - even though really, that's exactly what I want to do. I feel like its a bit of a pity party when I start talking about it.
I got some paperwork about one of his RRSP policies today, apparently they can pay that out as a pension allowance too but I'm now in a quandary as to whether I want that, do I want money now or save it for when I "retire"??? Will I even make it to 65? My Dad died at 65, my mom died at 59. Uggh, and also, the tax man is going to love me if I decide to take the payout. The thing is, I don't know when and if these life insurance monies will get to me in time to save my house. I only have 8 months worth of mortgage payments saved...unless I slow the contributions to that mortgage....then I could probably stretch it out to about 12 months. I'm thinking I may have to do that, it'll hit me with interest in the long run, but I may not have a choice here.
I paid off his funeral today. The car insurance cheque went through and I then shoveled that money into my visa and taa daa, funeral expense done, covered and gone. That was a huge relief to me, scary as hell to let go of that large a sum of money, but there is no dark cloud hanging over my head anymore. The financial worries are killing me.
I write posts on fb about him every day and I seem to get an interesting email from his mom each time I post something about his family, hinting at how he was not happy with them, it's the truth, I don't care, he was hurt by his family repeatedly, I saw the sad crying face, I held him when he was sad from thinking about them - they weren't there. Anyway, I wrote a post about his family, his grand dad, his gramma and how my family took him in and made him one of us, sort of adopted him even though he felt he didn't want to be a part of my family, we gave him no choice. So I get this email from his mom today that says, "Did I tell you that some of my coworkers are related to people he used to work with?"and she dropped names, some of which have been commenting on my fb page or know people who comment. (and Yes, she's told me already, the last time I wrote something not so positive about his family on fb!) Heck, the last time, she even hinted that she could read my fb page because "she has access to that stuff under different names." - well, none of those names are friends of mine because I'm only friends with people I know directly and my privacy settings are pretty high. Uggh. Anyway. I felt a little threatened by her comment but then I thought to myself, my husband used to take pride in the fact that I wasn't afraid of the truth and standing up for it, so if she wants me to cease and desist speaking of his truth, then she better out and tell me because I am not going to stop sharing the stories of his life, dammit. I'm a stubborn Taurus and I'll dig my feet in and put my horns forward.
I haven't been emailing her all that much in the past two weeks. At first it was "awww his poor mum." then it became, "what is she trying to pull here..." and then it was, "Oh shoot, forgot to email her because I'm dealing with too much right now..." and now it's, "Oh well, she never used to email with him this much, I vote for keeping the status quo, check up on me every once in a while and we'll be good." Is it really sad of me to say that I can't wait until the interment of his ashes because then I may not have to worry so much about interacting or trying to interact with them? I haven't emailed his brother in weeks, but again, he also hasn't reached out to me, so...here we go again, same thing, different person.
Sigh. Enough about them. Tonight is my first night alone. I'm doing fine. I'm coping. I reached out to a friend when I got lonely and we texted back and forth for a couple of hours - thank heaven for unlimited text messaging! I had a good hard and long cry earlier today. I spoke to him through my tears and I reminded him that I loved him still. I told him I was lonely and I didn't understand why he had to leave. I cried and howled unhushed for at least an hour, then I decided it was time to stop because I noticed my mood getting really depressed. I dried my tears, brushed myself off, steeled my nerves and went to tidy up the laundry room, taking his clothing and jackets and putting them in a storage bin in his closet. I then made my way to the basement and did some tidying up there as well.
After all was said and done, I had collected another whole bag of recycling and another whole bag of garbage and I just laid down on the couch and crashed. My back hurts. I remembered to feed myself. I IM'd with my sister for a while, she also called for a half hour, so that was nice but my buddy was the saving grace, he was texting with me about old times, crazy things we did, his work and it was a great distraction for me. He reminded me that I can text him as much as I want when I get lonely and if I need someone to "babysit" me, he's happy to come over. So far, he's been the most available person to me. The old coworkers seem to be returning back to their lives away from me, so I'm not expecting to hear from them again...and with my trust issues, I'm not sure if I would go to them for help anyway.
I didn't call the crisis line today. I actually didn't feel like it. I wasn't as wound up today, maybe because of the quiet calming me after my sister left, and maybe also because I allowed myself that deep releasing cry. I felt so much better after that cry. I felt lighter inside of me. The lead weight wasn't as heavy anymore. I think I'm going to be scheduling in "cry time" each day after my sister leaves for good, and maybe one of these days, in the distant future, I won't actually feel like crying anymore.
I'm going to be okay. I'm going to get through this. Today was a good day for me.
I emailed the local chapter of the mental health association, again they weren't familiar with anything suicide support related in my particular town and I emailed the local hospice who put me in touch with a lady who is doing the research for me as we speak....okay, not as we speak, she's likely asleep but she'll get back to me with what she finds out.
Here's an interesting thing, when someone says to me, "I'm sorry for your loss." I don't really know what to say back to them, usually I just end up saying "Thanks" and try to shrug it off. I'm sure absolute strangers don't want me to go into a huge diatribe about what I'm going through - even though really, that's exactly what I want to do. I feel like its a bit of a pity party when I start talking about it.
I got some paperwork about one of his RRSP policies today, apparently they can pay that out as a pension allowance too but I'm now in a quandary as to whether I want that, do I want money now or save it for when I "retire"??? Will I even make it to 65? My Dad died at 65, my mom died at 59. Uggh, and also, the tax man is going to love me if I decide to take the payout. The thing is, I don't know when and if these life insurance monies will get to me in time to save my house. I only have 8 months worth of mortgage payments saved...unless I slow the contributions to that mortgage....then I could probably stretch it out to about 12 months. I'm thinking I may have to do that, it'll hit me with interest in the long run, but I may not have a choice here.
I paid off his funeral today. The car insurance cheque went through and I then shoveled that money into my visa and taa daa, funeral expense done, covered and gone. That was a huge relief to me, scary as hell to let go of that large a sum of money, but there is no dark cloud hanging over my head anymore. The financial worries are killing me.
I write posts on fb about him every day and I seem to get an interesting email from his mom each time I post something about his family, hinting at how he was not happy with them, it's the truth, I don't care, he was hurt by his family repeatedly, I saw the sad crying face, I held him when he was sad from thinking about them - they weren't there. Anyway, I wrote a post about his family, his grand dad, his gramma and how my family took him in and made him one of us, sort of adopted him even though he felt he didn't want to be a part of my family, we gave him no choice. So I get this email from his mom today that says, "Did I tell you that some of my coworkers are related to people he used to work with?"and she dropped names, some of which have been commenting on my fb page or know people who comment. (and Yes, she's told me already, the last time I wrote something not so positive about his family on fb!) Heck, the last time, she even hinted that she could read my fb page because "she has access to that stuff under different names." - well, none of those names are friends of mine because I'm only friends with people I know directly and my privacy settings are pretty high. Uggh. Anyway. I felt a little threatened by her comment but then I thought to myself, my husband used to take pride in the fact that I wasn't afraid of the truth and standing up for it, so if she wants me to cease and desist speaking of his truth, then she better out and tell me because I am not going to stop sharing the stories of his life, dammit. I'm a stubborn Taurus and I'll dig my feet in and put my horns forward.
I haven't been emailing her all that much in the past two weeks. At first it was "awww his poor mum." then it became, "what is she trying to pull here..." and then it was, "Oh shoot, forgot to email her because I'm dealing with too much right now..." and now it's, "Oh well, she never used to email with him this much, I vote for keeping the status quo, check up on me every once in a while and we'll be good." Is it really sad of me to say that I can't wait until the interment of his ashes because then I may not have to worry so much about interacting or trying to interact with them? I haven't emailed his brother in weeks, but again, he also hasn't reached out to me, so...here we go again, same thing, different person.
Sigh. Enough about them. Tonight is my first night alone. I'm doing fine. I'm coping. I reached out to a friend when I got lonely and we texted back and forth for a couple of hours - thank heaven for unlimited text messaging! I had a good hard and long cry earlier today. I spoke to him through my tears and I reminded him that I loved him still. I told him I was lonely and I didn't understand why he had to leave. I cried and howled unhushed for at least an hour, then I decided it was time to stop because I noticed my mood getting really depressed. I dried my tears, brushed myself off, steeled my nerves and went to tidy up the laundry room, taking his clothing and jackets and putting them in a storage bin in his closet. I then made my way to the basement and did some tidying up there as well.
After all was said and done, I had collected another whole bag of recycling and another whole bag of garbage and I just laid down on the couch and crashed. My back hurts. I remembered to feed myself. I IM'd with my sister for a while, she also called for a half hour, so that was nice but my buddy was the saving grace, he was texting with me about old times, crazy things we did, his work and it was a great distraction for me. He reminded me that I can text him as much as I want when I get lonely and if I need someone to "babysit" me, he's happy to come over. So far, he's been the most available person to me. The old coworkers seem to be returning back to their lives away from me, so I'm not expecting to hear from them again...and with my trust issues, I'm not sure if I would go to them for help anyway.
I didn't call the crisis line today. I actually didn't feel like it. I wasn't as wound up today, maybe because of the quiet calming me after my sister left, and maybe also because I allowed myself that deep releasing cry. I felt so much better after that cry. I felt lighter inside of me. The lead weight wasn't as heavy anymore. I think I'm going to be scheduling in "cry time" each day after my sister leaves for good, and maybe one of these days, in the distant future, I won't actually feel like crying anymore.
I'm going to be okay. I'm going to get through this. Today was a good day for me.
- Post starter
- #285
So last night while alone I had a bit of a medical scare - odd, on the first night I'm alone ever in my entire life that this would happen to me, my blood sugar dropped in the middle of the night. I woke up feeling like I was having the worst panic attack of my life but when I got up to go to the bathroom to calm myself down I also got the worst vertigo of my life. I was lucky to have enough of a sense to realize that my blood sugar was probably low so I made my way down to the kitchen, stumbling and uncoordinated and I ate two oranges. Within about 5 minutes I was completely fine again, all symptoms gone. Weird how stress can take a toll on you that you're not even aware of.
Today was car insurance day. It took all of 10 minutes to get the paperwork done. She explained to me that "regular use and operation" doesn't necessarily mean driving, people have fallen getting into their vehicle and that has qualified as "regular use". She was fully aware of the circumstances of his death and said that an investigation still needs to be done on their end, but there is still a remote possibility that it could be approved within the next year. I almost cried explaining to her that I don't like to think of his car, so I've been putting this paperwork off. Once she left, my sister and I were talking and she said, "Oh I truly hope he hadn't changed his mind and was turning around to come back home when that gun went off." I'm sorry, but that is my worst fear in all of this, that it truly was an accident and he died alone and afraid and regretful. I burst into tears, just howling and inconsolable. I guess that qualified as today's "release".
When I was able to pull myself back together, we decided to go out and enjoy the rain doing something that didn't cost any real money - we went to various pet stores in the area and looked at fish and birds and hamsters and kittens. The kitties made me feel the best, they were expensive but because of how calm and soothed they made me feel I almost wanted to throw one on my credit card and bring it home. It truly would have been an impulse buy. I'm not prepared to house a cat. I did see the name of a local agency that rescues cats though and they're looking for volunteers, so maybe I will check it out in future.
We went to the park and had lunch. The same park hubby and I went to for lunch just two days before he died. It seemed strange, it was cool, overcast after the rain but while we were sitting there on a picnic table the sun came out and it got super warm and beautiful. It stayed that way while we had our lunch and then once we left, a huge thunder/lightning storm moved in.
I can't describe just how much I miss him. I keep expecting to see him in the kitchen, coming up from the basement, coming through the door and shattering this pain I feel into a zillion little bits of "it wasn't real, he's alive".
I washed the sheets today. It was a big move for me. I know that it doesn't mean I've "washed him away" because he's not there in those sheets, he's here with me, in my heart, in my mind, in his pillows, beside me on the bed, holding my hand still at night, poking my nose first thing in the morning...he's there if I want him to be, I just can't see him anymore, but he's still here. I know he has to be because I love him and I know he loved me.
He used to tell me I made his life better. I made him happy when everything else would make him sad. I was the best thing that ever happened to him...just as he was to me. We were a great fit, like we were made just for one another. I will always have him with me.
My sister leaves to go back to work tomorrow. She said on fb that I am stronger than she thought I was. I am. I know this now. Tomorrow starts the rest of my life, relying on myself, knowing that I can take care of myself and my own needs, knowing too that I have people I can call when I hit those really tough spots. Tomorrow starts whole new life for me.
What I would give to feel him hug me just one last time.
Today was car insurance day. It took all of 10 minutes to get the paperwork done. She explained to me that "regular use and operation" doesn't necessarily mean driving, people have fallen getting into their vehicle and that has qualified as "regular use". She was fully aware of the circumstances of his death and said that an investigation still needs to be done on their end, but there is still a remote possibility that it could be approved within the next year. I almost cried explaining to her that I don't like to think of his car, so I've been putting this paperwork off. Once she left, my sister and I were talking and she said, "Oh I truly hope he hadn't changed his mind and was turning around to come back home when that gun went off." I'm sorry, but that is my worst fear in all of this, that it truly was an accident and he died alone and afraid and regretful. I burst into tears, just howling and inconsolable. I guess that qualified as today's "release".
When I was able to pull myself back together, we decided to go out and enjoy the rain doing something that didn't cost any real money - we went to various pet stores in the area and looked at fish and birds and hamsters and kittens. The kitties made me feel the best, they were expensive but because of how calm and soothed they made me feel I almost wanted to throw one on my credit card and bring it home. It truly would have been an impulse buy. I'm not prepared to house a cat. I did see the name of a local agency that rescues cats though and they're looking for volunteers, so maybe I will check it out in future.
We went to the park and had lunch. The same park hubby and I went to for lunch just two days before he died. It seemed strange, it was cool, overcast after the rain but while we were sitting there on a picnic table the sun came out and it got super warm and beautiful. It stayed that way while we had our lunch and then once we left, a huge thunder/lightning storm moved in.
I can't describe just how much I miss him. I keep expecting to see him in the kitchen, coming up from the basement, coming through the door and shattering this pain I feel into a zillion little bits of "it wasn't real, he's alive".
I washed the sheets today. It was a big move for me. I know that it doesn't mean I've "washed him away" because he's not there in those sheets, he's here with me, in my heart, in my mind, in his pillows, beside me on the bed, holding my hand still at night, poking my nose first thing in the morning...he's there if I want him to be, I just can't see him anymore, but he's still here. I know he has to be because I love him and I know he loved me.
He used to tell me I made his life better. I made him happy when everything else would make him sad. I was the best thing that ever happened to him...just as he was to me. We were a great fit, like we were made just for one another. I will always have him with me.
My sister leaves to go back to work tomorrow. She said on fb that I am stronger than she thought I was. I am. I know this now. Tomorrow starts the rest of my life, relying on myself, knowing that I can take care of myself and my own needs, knowing too that I have people I can call when I hit those really tough spots. Tomorrow starts whole new life for me.
What I would give to feel him hug me just one last time.
- Post starter
- #287
@Heather, thank you, the hugs are really needed right now.
I got a government cheque today, but it doesn't say what it is even for - how confusing! My sister told me not to cash it as they may suddenly recall it or some other paranoid thing like they will be watching my bank account and may wait a few months before wanting money back...yep, now I'm afraid to even touch the stupid thing! Like, seriously? I also got a call from my husband's employer who indicated that they have his life insurance ready for me to pick up - that will promptly go to the mortgage and I won't have to worry about keeping a roof over my head anymore...provided they are giving me what they said they were giving me. Please God, let this work out.
It was really difficult to say goodbye to my sister today. I think I almost would have rather she had not come back here overnight because being alone again is really terrifying. She even hugged me before she left, now that is really strange. I could tell that it wasn't just me who was having difficulty saying goodbye. She goes back to work tomorrow and her union reps were asking her if she was sure that she was ready - I'm not so sure she's actually ready, especially after the news story we read on FB today. A police officer committed suicide today by shooting himself. My sister walked into the other room and started crying. I tried my hardest not to cry but it all just came flooding back and I couldn't help it. His poor wife. His poor family.
My heart hurts today. Every single time it happens to someone else now it's going to hit me so much harder than it did before it happened to me.
My financial worries may soon be coming to an end, but that won't bring him back. It won't make this easier to get through or "get over". I now have to live my life alone. I have to try to find my own way, be brave and overcome this social anxiety out of pure necessity just to stay living. And dear God, I want to LIVE. It's all I've been struggling to do since this whole PTSD chaos came into my life. That is what makes this so damned hard, I was struggling so hard to live and somewhere in my husband's brain he was entertaining death!? It makes absolutely no sense to me, he knew just how hard I was struggling to stay alive, he knew! How could he throw in the towel???
I'm mad at him and I'm guilty for being angry with him and then again, I can't really blame him for being lost like that because I know how quickly it can swallow you. I'm just so confused with every single kind of emotion coming up at the same time and conflicting with one another. One thing, I will never waver on is, I love him, alive, dead, eternally, I love this man that I spent my life with. And tonight there is another family reeling and in shock and trying to make sense of a new tragedy.
His mom called me today, she was reminiscing about her early life, the birth of my husband - Ahhhh, there it is, this is why I feel so topsy turvy today. It was right there in front of me and I couldn't get why I felt so triggered and anxious and sorrowful about my hubby. His mom told me the story of his birth, I'd heard a version of it from him several times over the years but I'd never heard it from her perspective. He was a difficult birth, the cord was wrapped around his neck twice, he was a "high forceps" delivery and a "blue baby". Wow. How did I even listen to that without triggering? She went unconscious during the delivery from blood loss. He was resuscitated and placed in an incubator immediately. She said she didn't see him for two whole days and when they did wheel his incubator in to her, she said he was still blue and had a large hematoma covering half of his head from the forceps. He spent the first month of his life in a neonatal intensive care unit.
My baby hubby, he survived so much in his short lifetime but also, in those years, he saved countless lives, helped hundreds of babies into the world, held many hands as they took their last breaths so they knew they weren't alone and he also got to experience deep love and happiness with me. I gave him something. I gave his life happiness while he was with me. I showed him love and I shared my life with him, every minute detail of it. I am glad that I had the amount of time I had with him. He gave me happiness. He made me feel love like I'd never felt it in my life. He opened my eyes to so many things; there were just so many firsts in my life with him and now I have to face the many firsts in my life without him.
I miss him so much.
I got a government cheque today, but it doesn't say what it is even for - how confusing! My sister told me not to cash it as they may suddenly recall it or some other paranoid thing like they will be watching my bank account and may wait a few months before wanting money back...yep, now I'm afraid to even touch the stupid thing! Like, seriously? I also got a call from my husband's employer who indicated that they have his life insurance ready for me to pick up - that will promptly go to the mortgage and I won't have to worry about keeping a roof over my head anymore...provided they are giving me what they said they were giving me. Please God, let this work out.
It was really difficult to say goodbye to my sister today. I think I almost would have rather she had not come back here overnight because being alone again is really terrifying. She even hugged me before she left, now that is really strange. I could tell that it wasn't just me who was having difficulty saying goodbye. She goes back to work tomorrow and her union reps were asking her if she was sure that she was ready - I'm not so sure she's actually ready, especially after the news story we read on FB today. A police officer committed suicide today by shooting himself. My sister walked into the other room and started crying. I tried my hardest not to cry but it all just came flooding back and I couldn't help it. His poor wife. His poor family.
My heart hurts today. Every single time it happens to someone else now it's going to hit me so much harder than it did before it happened to me.
My financial worries may soon be coming to an end, but that won't bring him back. It won't make this easier to get through or "get over". I now have to live my life alone. I have to try to find my own way, be brave and overcome this social anxiety out of pure necessity just to stay living. And dear God, I want to LIVE. It's all I've been struggling to do since this whole PTSD chaos came into my life. That is what makes this so damned hard, I was struggling so hard to live and somewhere in my husband's brain he was entertaining death!? It makes absolutely no sense to me, he knew just how hard I was struggling to stay alive, he knew! How could he throw in the towel???
I'm mad at him and I'm guilty for being angry with him and then again, I can't really blame him for being lost like that because I know how quickly it can swallow you. I'm just so confused with every single kind of emotion coming up at the same time and conflicting with one another. One thing, I will never waver on is, I love him, alive, dead, eternally, I love this man that I spent my life with. And tonight there is another family reeling and in shock and trying to make sense of a new tragedy.
His mom called me today, she was reminiscing about her early life, the birth of my husband - Ahhhh, there it is, this is why I feel so topsy turvy today. It was right there in front of me and I couldn't get why I felt so triggered and anxious and sorrowful about my hubby. His mom told me the story of his birth, I'd heard a version of it from him several times over the years but I'd never heard it from her perspective. He was a difficult birth, the cord was wrapped around his neck twice, he was a "high forceps" delivery and a "blue baby". Wow. How did I even listen to that without triggering? She went unconscious during the delivery from blood loss. He was resuscitated and placed in an incubator immediately. She said she didn't see him for two whole days and when they did wheel his incubator in to her, she said he was still blue and had a large hematoma covering half of his head from the forceps. He spent the first month of his life in a neonatal intensive care unit.
My baby hubby, he survived so much in his short lifetime but also, in those years, he saved countless lives, helped hundreds of babies into the world, held many hands as they took their last breaths so they knew they weren't alone and he also got to experience deep love and happiness with me. I gave him something. I gave his life happiness while he was with me. I showed him love and I shared my life with him, every minute detail of it. I am glad that I had the amount of time I had with him. He gave me happiness. He made me feel love like I'd never felt it in my life. He opened my eyes to so many things; there were just so many firsts in my life with him and now I have to face the many firsts in my life without him.
I miss him so much.
Heather
Diamond Member
@Medic72 I was reading your above post and you said you have to learn to live your life alone.... I've been a single mom since before my daughter was born. I've had to do EVERYTHING by myself. And I won't lie, it's not easy but I've always found a way to take care of what we need.
When you are forced into a situation and you're the only one around it's amazing what you can accomplish. Things that I never thought, I'd be able to do. I've done.
You'll find your way. I know you will. 'Cause if I can do it, you can too. You are a strong, strong, smart woman. Just from reading your posts....it speaks volumes. You'll also be amazed at how good you'll get at finding help when you need it. You're already doing that i.e. calling around looking for support groups. That's just one example I can think of.
You will get through this because if no other reason, you have no choice but to. And again you'll be amazed at the things you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. Just an example: I got a dryer and after the guys left who helped me put the hose on.....the hose fell off while dryer was going and pieces of lint flew everywhere. I had no clue what to do BUT I figured it out. I took the ring with the clamp and attached it and then taped that sucker about 150,000 times. So, it wouldn't come apart. Knock on wood, it's still holding. And I did it without any help from anybody else.
I hope my words help....maybe even a little?
Just want you to know that you are in my thoughts.
More hugs.
Heather
When you are forced into a situation and you're the only one around it's amazing what you can accomplish. Things that I never thought, I'd be able to do. I've done.
You'll find your way. I know you will. 'Cause if I can do it, you can too. You are a strong, strong, smart woman. Just from reading your posts....it speaks volumes. You'll also be amazed at how good you'll get at finding help when you need it. You're already doing that i.e. calling around looking for support groups. That's just one example I can think of.
You will get through this because if no other reason, you have no choice but to. And again you'll be amazed at the things you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. Just an example: I got a dryer and after the guys left who helped me put the hose on.....the hose fell off while dryer was going and pieces of lint flew everywhere. I had no clue what to do BUT I figured it out. I took the ring with the clamp and attached it and then taped that sucker about 150,000 times. So, it wouldn't come apart. Knock on wood, it's still holding. And I did it without any help from anybody else.
I hope my words help....maybe even a little?
Just want you to know that you are in my thoughts.
More hugs.
Heather
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