My husband died today

[joeylittle]

Is it normal to feel guilt for having your life carry on? Guilty for smiling and laughing? Guilt for having periods where you even forget about him and act like he's been gone for a very long time already? 51 days. How is it that I can be adjusting so well to this? How is it that I'm okay with just resuming my regular routine - as if nothing has happened in the intervening months???

It's so normal. So, so normal. And as you've said, nothing is actually regular, or back to what it was - it's all different, and you are living within a new normal. Also, grieving isn't linear. Just take it one day at a time, like you are doing. Try not to judge yourself, or when you do, write about it here so we can help give you some context.

I keep waiting for that deep desperate depression to strike me where I don't feel like looking after myself

It actually happened, if I remember this whole thread. And it might happen again. For now, it's not, and that's OK. You don't need to be in fear of it, nor do you need to push yourself into feeling or doing anything other than seems right by your instinct.

It helps me to talk to him. I've been joking with him too and saying things like, "I'm sorry, but if you don't like it, there's not exactly anything you can do about it now, right? You gave up that right when you left." or "hey, if you don't like me seeing this stuff, you shouldn't have left." or "You have no say in this anymore." It sounds kind of cruel but I don't want to develop an attachment to his things and put them aside for pure sentimental value like he did.

I don't think it's cruel, I think it's part of the process. I'm personally glad you are talking to him. And there is literally no wrong way to grieve. Everyone's arc ends up being different. You're going to probably get really, really angry, again, and sad, again, and lonely, more, and also you'll laugh, and you'll text funny stories about him back and forth, again, and some days you'll eat and sleep and some days you won't. During all that, time will keep passing. I don't believe time heals all things. But I know that time changes things, all things. It's hard to look ahead when you don't know how time will be affecting you in a week, or a month. But if you can go day to day, you're doing just fine.

Sending lots of love your way.

 

[stillstanding2]

Also, grieving isn't linear. Just take it one day at a time, like you are doing. Try not to judge yourself, or when you do, write about it here so we can help give you some context.

It is easier for me to think of grieving as a dark and sometimes roiling cloud of factors. Emotions, memories, impulses, habits and solid facts seem to swirl in and out of focus, at first, seldom lingering for long.

What may capture the attention one minute, may disappear into a hidden distance for a while, then pass by again, closer, or maybe from a different angle. Over time, the cloud seems to thin somewhat and allow more glimpses of light penetrating the haze. Eventually it begins to separate into clumps, with more light in between. Is this a useful image?

I also thought it was like sensing light somewhere in a pitch-dark jungle, and crawling toward it, until the vegetation began to thin and I could see for greater distances. Just images, but they helped me find my bearings. And writing helps to organize landmarks.

 

[NarcSis]

Okay, so is it common when your spouse dies to have periods where you feel nothing about them? I was thinking about it today as I was sitting watching the tv that my life just feels like it did before, as if nothing has happened in between and it made me really sad to think that. I don't know what I expected, to be completely useless for months on end? I honestly thought I expected to be crying every single day...is it strange that I'm not? I'm not a bawling sad mess. I miss him, yes, and I did indeed love him, yes, but my days are just as they were when he was here.

I hate to admit that we lived alongside one another a lot, me doing my thing and him on his computer doing his thing. It never meant I didn't love him and I pray he knew that, because even though his lack of interest in things in general annoyed me, I was still happiest when I was with him. I mean, you start to think of all those things about that person that you actually just tolerated for the sake of the relationship and thinking of those things helps me to harden my heart a little and convince myself that things now are no different from then.

And that sounds horrible but it's true. I carried this house and he lived in it. I realized this the other day as I helped my sister troubleshoot her car. I pulled a lot of weight in this house, he wore the pants and paid the bills but I ran this place, this was my domain and his "refuge" from work. Uggh, it hurts me to even write this, but I also had days in the months leading up to his death when I could not stand him being around because he'd get withdrawn and moody and would refuse to talk to me...it was a relief to me when he'd go back to work. :( He was just under so much stress that he triggered my frustration a lot but we were both pretty passive aggressive, so I just kept it to myself because he didn't need the extra stress. I didn't want to fight with him over something stupid.

I hope he knew I didn't hate him. I hope he didn't overgeneralize my aggravation with him as a sign that I didn't love him. I loved the crap outta that man. I would've given my life for him in a heartbeat. I feel so guilty about how triggered I was with him the day before he died - I hated thinking about his potential death, that was my worst fear in the whole universe, to lose him and be left alone, so yeah, his talking about potentially having a heart attack or dying was very triggering for me and I just wish I could have voiced that to him. "I am feeling very triggered and angry and frustrated because the last thing I want is to lose you, but you keep talking about dropping dead and it is really bothering me." Instead I kept getting frustrated and saying things like, "You're NOT going to Die! There is nothing wrong with your heart." and I felt like I was pleading with him to just "snap out of it". :(

But I know he was already in a bad mood so even if I'd said it nicely to him, to let him know he was triggering me, then he would have just gotten withdrawn and more prone to a rash act then. My husband didn't adjust well to change of any kind, so if something went wrong or had to change, he would be very stressed about it. I got like that (still do) a lot after the PTSD, they called it, "Adjustment Disorder". It is what made me prone to suicidal tendencies. I recognize it now and that is when I know I have to stay still and play dead so I won't act irrationally. He never gave us a chance to figure out what was wrong with him, or to find out that nothing was indeed wrong with him.

My hubby had a thing about people not believing him. It was a longstanding issue. His own physician growing up labelled him a hypochondriac - even though the complaints he made as a kid were eventually diagnosed as genuine medical conditions. Ulcers. Kidney Stones. His gallbladder failing! Each time he went to his doctor for something that doctor treated him like he was full of crap and didn't take him seriously, that's why I helped him to switch doctors. I remember the ordeal he had to go through just to prove to his old doctor that there was actually something going on with his heart that was not normal. He was practically crying the one day he came out of that office because he felt so defeated, he was afraid he was going to have a heart attack - the same way he was the day before he died.

His damned heart arrhythmia bothered him so much, it was like an anvil hanging over his head and he worried about it more and more the older he got. He was only 52 but by the time he hit 48, he was convinced that he was destined to die of a heart attack, of course, rather than get up and start moving he sank back into the couch and got progressively more irritable and experiencing more and more pain and withdrawing more and more into his computer games to "decompress". I think now, looking at it, I was watching him die every day he refused to try to live with me. I was struggling so hard to keep us both living, to keep us active and happy. I felt that if he just kept moving and exercising he would be better able to tolerate his pain or he would develop his muscles again and be in less pain. I don' t know if I was pushing him too hard.

I know its a form of self blame but I have to go through these thoughts. I have to get them out or they'll eat me alive. I know I loved him. I know he loved me. I know there was still something left of us because despite his failing attitude and my growing irritability with him, we still made each other laugh. We still held one another. We still looked into each others eyes and said, "I love you." I loved him. His decision to die had nothing to do with me, I'd like to think if it did, he wouldn't have done what he did.

When we were first living together, close to 19 years ago, we had a huge screaming fight one evening and he screamed at me, "Well, why don't you just leave then!?" I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. I assumed this was the end of our relationship and I walked away from him and after crying in our bedroom for 20 minutes, I started packing my bags to get out like he told me too. He walked in on me packing and said in a panic, "What are you doing!?" I replied, "You told me to leave, so I guess I have to leave." He ran from the room crying, he threw himself on the floor in the other room and started banging his head against the garbage can, screaming about how he was a horrible person for driving me away. I knew then that something had scarred him really badly when he was a kid, there was something hurt deep inside of him to make him hate himself that way. He didn't get angry with me, he got angry with himself and he took his anger out on himself.

How could my husband put a gun to his side and kill himself? Because somewhere deep inside he always hated himself for some reason. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me." Is what he'd said one time to me and when I dismissed the comment, he pulled me to him, looked in my eyes and said, "Seriously, I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't met you. You are the best thing about this world." I remember thinking at the time, please don't let me be the only thing holding you to this life, there has to be other things that make life worth living.

He was my world. My sun revolved around him. I happily gave myself to him completely because when I was with him everything just seemed calmer. He made me feel happier and more contented than I'd ever felt in my life. You know how they say that "one person" comes around just once in a lifetime? He was it. We were just so good together for the most part, despite our little aggravations and differences, we felt made for one another. No one can ever make me feel the way he made me feel. I don't think I'll ever feel that contentedness again with anyone ever again. There will never be another him....never.

I miss him and I'm trying not to be sad about it. I'm trying to remember how good he made me. How strong I am because of him.

 

[scout86]

Okay, so is it common when your spouse dies to have periods where you feel nothing about them?

I'll bet it's not uncommon. I don't know that there's a precise road map or a "right" way to grieve. I think there are ways to do it that aren't so good. That can be self destructive or self defeating. The way you're going about this has a good, healthy feel to it, to me.

I miss him and I'm trying not to be sad about it.

I don't think you have to try to feel or not feel anything in particular. I think taking it as it comes if fine. It's ok to be sad too.

I'm trying to remember how good he made me. How strong I am because of him.

Good things to remember! And remember that you were the best thing that ever happened to him too. I'm sure that was true. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would have said that if he didn't mean it.

 

[stillstanding2]

Okay, so is it common when your spouse dies to have periods where you feel nothing about them?

I'll venture a couple guesses here.

First, to answer your question, yes, I think it is common. However, it may take most people much longer to achieve what you have. And I think it is to your credit. Now let me state your question in another way: "Is it common for a surviving spouse to feel comfortable returning to former interests and habits, despite the loss?" I think the answer again is yes, eventually.

The remarkable thing is that you have made it possible for you to rescue and retain living patterns which have kept you comfortable for a long time. I think what may be common is that many people are not as able as you are to do that so effectively, if at all. Amid all your despair and passionate grieving, you have proceeded to take care of some very burdensome tasks that some people might have wallowed in helplessly, and thereby prolonged the difficulties that really are not part of grief.

Financial hurdles, social readjustments, unhappy family dynamics, all compound the stress of the real loss, a spouse's death. You have steadily hacked away at those ancillary problems to the extent that you can more clearly and honestly see and feel through all that clutter. You can think and feel your reality without being constantly overwhelmed by panic over many obstacles.

And by doing so efficiently, your former interests have not faded as badly as they could have. You are surviving.

When you grieve passionately, it has nothing to do with extraneous crap. And you have every healthy right to shift your interest at intervals to things unrelated to your genuine loss. No doubt, there are times when the mixed emotions in the cycles you're living through will seem more or less acute. But being interested in your own life now is something separate from the tragedy. And I'm sure your husband would have wanted it that way.

I think you are still amazing. Your writing is good for all of us. I'm not guessing about that. Take care.

 

[NarcSis]

without being constantly overwhelmed by panic over many obstacles.

I am getting sidelined quite often by panic, but I think I'm now able to pick out the cues that indicate to me that I am panicking. Things like feeling overly frustrated, unable to settle and stay still, constant and obsessive worry and wanting to scream and cry. Mostly it's that harried sensation that I feel. Like the world is starting to encroach on my space and I can't think or breathe properly. I know when that happens it's not long before my vision of the future starts to disintegrate and I am overwhelmed by depressive thoughts and eventually suicidal ideation. I know if I don't curtail that impending situation I could end up in trouble, in crisis.

When I get that way, especially recently because it hangs over my head that he completed suicide, I realize that I'm not actually thinking properly and if I just re-focus on something else, something that gives me pleasure, then eventually my logical thinking pattern will resume. I usually try to remind myself that I cannot solve problems at night or until business hours, there is nothing that can actually be accomplished, so instead of wasting my time worrying, I need to let it go and deal with what I can handle at that moment in time. Usually at those points, the only thing I realize that I have any control over is my own reaction and I realize when I'm panicked, I can't actually solve any problems.

Sadly this was pointed out to me in stark clarity when he completed suicide. If you just wait, the thing that seems so insurmountable won't seem so insurmountable when you're in a calmer frame of mind. He didn't wait. He didn't give himself a chance to calm down and regain his logical frame of reference and I lost him.

You are surviving.

I have been in survival mode for a very long time. It seems like survival mode is bothersome in trying to achieve normal day to day tasks but when you're actually in a survival situation, it really helps. Survival means not wanting to die. I didn't once ever consider following him. In fact, his death highlighted how hard I've been striving to live and thus the disappointment and shock in his decision to die. I've been fighting so hard to stay with him alive for all these years and he faces what is really his first real challenging crisis and he checked out. It goes against everything I've been trying to do in my own fight.

I am surviving because I can. I'm very practiced at it. Not many are as practiced at it as we with PTSD are. After he died, a line from a book I read a long, long time ago when I was a kid came back to me; it was an old man talking to a younger man and he said, "If you let it get to ya, panic will run you right off a cliff. You gotta think your way out." I can't even remember the title of the book but that quote came to mind so clearly to me a few days after he died. He panicked. He got lost. He couldn't find his way back. He couldn't think his way out. It's not his fault his brain got screwed up and only showed him horrible ends, that's what brains do, they lie to us a lot.

I've been fighting with survival mode and against PTSD for over 8 years now. I sure as hell am not going to throw in the towel. I have skills that have already proven to me that I am strong and I can handle most situations on my own. Dealing with his initial loss has shown me just how strong I really am and has reinforced my belief that I do not want to die. I keep thinking, there are so many things that I have yet to do before I can "relax" and settle into a new life path...things like, get MY affairs in order, get my Will done, get all of my finances gathered up and assigned to a family member just in case. I don't know how long my future will be, but going through the chaos of his death has demonstrated to me that things NEED to get taken care of sooner than later.

I haven't had time "to PTSD", if I can use it as a verb, lol. Although the more the estate starts to settle, the more I notice my old fears starting to encroach on my function again - driving by an ambulance now I have to look down and breathe or talk to myself again just to quell the shaking sensation in my core. A few weeks ago I flushed the toilet and stood there staring at it, all the time saying to myself, "Am I better or am I just numb!? I can't usually do this." Well, I'm thinking my mind was just working on something else and didn't have time to "do the old stuff" because I stupidly tried to recreate that event and felt the familiar panic rising in my guts, so I hightailed it out of there and did some deep breathing to calm myself down.

I see why so many cops, firefighters and paramedics struggle so hard to put themselves back in harms way after a PTSD diagnosis, it's the only situation that makes sense to the brain - an actual survival situation. I don't know how I functioned through this all. I know my sister ate a lot of frustration from me and yelling and she walked on eggshells afraid to set me off. It made me feel like an idiot to see how I was affecting her. It made me sad that she had to endure that, it was almost like training another handler again but this one is not as easy to train as the first one was. She's getting a little better at understanding how to recognize when I'm triggered - usually the crying, the talking fast and whiny, making defeatest statements and acting like my world is collapsing. She knows for the most part not to push me but to step back and suggest we "take a breather and come back at the problem later." (Of course, I'm triggered, so I usually answer angrily, "This has to happen NOW.")

On a positive note, the life insurance payout came, on the downside, they deposited it into the wrong account and I had a bit of a freak out last night that robbed me of restful sleep. Again, had to remind myself that there was actually nothing I could do about it at 10pm, so I needed to let it go and come back to it in the morning. I prayed to my husband for peace of mind and a positive outcome to my dilemma. As luck would have it, the bank called me because they noticed the error. Crisis averted. When I hung up the phone I went to the livingroom and I said aloud to the picture of my husband, "Thank you for answering my prayer. I knew I could always count on you to help me. You were always there for me. You were everything to me. You were my God." and then I promptly burst into tears out of sheer relief and sadness all at once.

I won't lie, there are periods where I do get sad. In the shower today, it struck me again as I looked at his razor that he'll never use it ever again. I wanted immediately to toss it in the garbage but said to myself, "You're acting out of angry grief, just leave it and wait until you're really ready to throw it out." For now it is comfortable and normal to have those things still in their places, it is not a horrible reminder, or some kind of self torture or useless, it is for my overall comfort.

I actually thought a strange thought today too. I am here in this big house all alone. There will never be another person in this house with me. I am living alone in a large house...maybe it would be a better idea to downsize my home...it seems like such a waste to have all this space and just me in here. I quickly shut that little voice down. I'm not ready to even seriously consider that. That would be a longer term plan as I begin to age and as I need to move closer to family. I've got at least 20 years before I give that serious consideration. In the meantime, I have a house that is mine and I can do anything I want inside of it without having to consider someone else. I can decorate as I want, I can change things up, I can be loud, I can wake up in the middle of the night and I can sleep on the couch if I want. Nothing I do inside of this house will affect another human being ever again.

I can get the pet I want - and I still can't decide which pet to get, LOL. Apparently, I can only make decisions to save my life, but all of these other decisions? Nope, still can't decide or commit to anything.

I was looking at pictures of my hubby today. I look at my husbands pictures and I can feel him. Like, in my fingers, I can feel my hands on his face. I can feel the stubble on his chin. I can see his eyes moving and catching the light. I can feel him smile because I would never just see him smile, I would feel it in my heart. I hear his heart beating, skipping those beats he always skipped. I can feel my cheek warm against his chest. I can feel his arm around me. I can feel him. I'm afraid to lose the reality of those sensations over time. I almost can't remember the sound of his voice already. I have a few videos where he's talking in the background but you have to listen really carefully to hear him and he sounds different on the recording anyway.

I miss the contact most, we were always touching one another in some way; my foot against his leg, his hand on my arm or my leg, holding hands while sleeping, holding hands while walking, shoulder to shoulder, or me cuddled against him. I miss that human contact and the affection we shared for one another. I wish I could cuddle up to him and fall asleep feeling so safe just one more time.

 

[The Albatross]

"If you let it get to ya, panic will run you right off a cliff. You gotta think your way out." Great thought. I like it and think it's really astute.

 

[NarcSis]

I spoke to someone on the phone today who has suffered a suicide loss. I mean, sadly it was mostly me talking, she asked about what happened and there was that sudden verbal diarrhea that I get when it comes to this story. I talk until the story is over. It felt so good to actually speak to someone who gets what I'm going through. Of course, going over that day again and the circumstances leading up to that day, it left me very sad and lonely.

I finished speaking to her and the very first thing I wanted to do was to send a text to my hubby to let him know how it went. :(

Instead, I spoke with my sister and it just wasn't the same. I then wanted to send a text to my old friend but he's on vacation and out of the country. I'm afraid to text my old partner, she has a family and is on the verge of another child, so she doesn't need to deal with my crap. I lost my husband, no one seems to get that for me, time doesn't pass and suddenly make things better. I miss him in everything I do. I miss talking to him.

I am not in any kind of crisis, I'm just feeling lonely and when people ask me how I want them to help me, I have no clue how to answer that. I don't know what I need other than to be social with some people who get me and will allow me to be the depressive bump on a log I want to be. I think most of all I need how I'm feeling to be validated in person, to have another human being smile sadly at me and say, "when I lost my X to suicide, I went through that too." How is it that there is no one in my area that offers a suicide support group?

I've got people looking for me and so far they're coming up with zilch too. I knew it because i already went through that, getting sent in circles and finally being told that the ONLY suicide loss group occurs in the cities that I can't go into and sadly, that's all they can offer me. :( It feels like my PTSD struggle all over again.

This is not normal grief. It's not. I can feel it. My brother died tragically when I was a kid and I remember how that felt. My mother died unexpectedly and although my grief was complicated with that, this still feels different. This is different. This was the man I told everything too. This was the man I slept with, shared everything with, confessed my secrets too, hugged, kissed, loved and he is irreplaceable. There is this huge void in my life. Even though he worked long hours and I spent most of my days alone, we were inseparable during his days off. We were always together. We always held hands. He supported me, believed in me and loved me. I don't know fully how to process his being gone from this life.

I mean, it's loss, yes, but it's a totally different loss. My one friend tried to say he understood because his dog got him through so many rough times in his life and he was a mess when his dog died....so not the same. Another friend said she understood because she lost her mom to cancer...not the same. Yet another told me she knew what it was like to lose your husband because she went through that when she got divorced...again, not the same! None of their losses were the suicide of someone they loved right under their own noses. My sister on the other hand had several colleagues come up to her to talk about their suicide losses! Uggh.

Tonight, I feel lonely and just wish I had someone here to hug on and cry into. I think I'm also feeling abandoned and this time it's a lot harder to deal with because not only is it sad and betraying, it is anger provoking. I want to completely isolate and withdraw because "I knew this was going to happen". You know, you hope that something like this is going to change things for the better, bring people together and mend the old divides but I never should have let my sappy heart really believe that. I should have had my fingers crossed behind my back when I heard them say, "Anytime you need me." because I knew this would happen. Oh and the friend I was supposed to meet up with tomorrow for lunch cancelled, surprise, surprise, huh?

I was fully aware of the surge and recede phenomenon that happens in tragedy and yet, you always think that this time, it's not going to be like that, right? You always want to believe that when you need them most, the people who left you the first time will realize they were wrong and stay this time....but they don't. They never stay and when you need them most, they're nowhere to be found.

Sigh. I'm depressed today. I'm lonely. I must have gotten used to having someone here, I knew it was going to happen, so now, I'm having difficulty adjusting. I'm trying to pretend that he's just at work, but that can only last for so long before my mind starts to digest the finality of his absence. I can say as many times as I want that I'm okay alone but just because I can survive alone, does not mean I won't be lonely. Tonight, I'm just lonely. :(

Its also likely that the reminders of that day have something to do with this.

 

[scout86]

just wish I had someone here to hug on and cry into.

I wish that for you too! Myself, I think the lose of your partner in life is the hardest loss. He was the person who was supposed to help you through everything else. How do you get through the worst thing imaginable without the only person who could help you through anything? I don't know, because it's that hard to contemplate. I just know that it's possible and you will, and it will get easier as you go along. And the way that you lost him? To me that's about as hard as it gets. I wish you lived close enough that the dogs & I could drop by for a visit. (We like to go for walks too!)

Take care of yourself @Medic72 !

 

[joeylittle]

the ONLY suicide loss group occurs in the cities that I can't go into

I was going to suggest, maybe you could skype in? And then I read this:

My sister on the other hand had several colleagues come up to her to talk about their suicide losses!

and wondered if your sister lives proximal enough to you that those colleagues would be interested in and willing to make a little support group with you? Would your local social service organization be able to pony up a moderator? Or, frankly, doing it as peer-led would probably be easy, because all people need and want to do is share their story, just as you've said, and be heard by people who understand truly what it's like.

Would your sister try and put that together, for you?

 

[seedling]

you hope that something like this is going to change things for the better, bring people together

It still can, but maybe in a way and with people you don't expect it to right now.

New doors open.

 

[NarcSis]

Sadly, my sister can be a bit of an egomaniac so handing her a task such as this would likely leave me subjected to the "If it wasn't for me..." savior routine. I can't have that in my life, it's already bad enough that everyone is repeatedly singing her praises for just staying with me after he died. "Ohhh, you're such a good sister. She's so lucky to have a sister like you." And I'm sitting here saying, "What? Overbearing and annoying?" No one ever said poor me! I'm the one who was in hell and surviving and being so damned strong!

I'm jealous because I never get accolades anymore and the people who praise her do it because she points out just how great she's being - she'll be sainted after death and I'll be forgotten like I already am while I'm alive! It'll be "Oh look there's medics grave, she was x's sister, you know the Saint."

My husband spent enough time around my sister to know exactly how she was and he could never wrap his head around how people praised her so much and never mentioned me. He hated how I was always overshadowed by her when I was so intelligent, worked so hard and only did good for other people...she gossiped, started rumors and always made wild assumptions about people! Yet there she was somehow always winning the accolades and I was chopped liver....no, no, wait, she eats chopped liver....I'm less than a shadow to other people, I'm completely invisible!

He was always good for comforting me and building me back up when I'd get upset about that. He'd always tell me that I'd eventually win over people that mattered. That people would appreciate me some day...more than likely after I'm already dead. :(

Missing him a lot last night. I kept rolling over and hugging the teddy a wrapped in his blanket and rubbing their backs like I used to do for him when he was having a bad night.

I guess I'm hitting the withdrawal and desperation phase when it comes to human contact, but not just regular human contact, prolonged contact. We used to touch all the time. I don't know how many hugs we had in a single day, or sometimes if I was cooking or something, he come up behind me and hug me. We would hold hands when out shopping, not out of a pitiful show but because we were still so in love with one another. I would snuggle against him on the couch...that was usually the only way I could let my guard down enough to nap in the afternoon, if he had his arm draped over me or I could feel him next to me. I miss the warmth of those snuggle sessions, a warm body next to me with a heartbeat. No one other than a parent, has ever loved me to that extent. I'm desperate for that affection again. :(

I don't know how to satisfy that need because Teddy doesn't cut it, my sister wouldn't do "huggy" crap for no reason and I don't have any friends close enough that I'd feel even remotely comfortable hugging them. How do you get through that? How do you learn to live without that? Do I treat it like an addiction and constantly distract?

I mean, I lost my husband, it wasn't a parent or a sibling or just a boyfriend, he was my husband. The relationship is just gone. Just like that, 20 years of constant loving attention, physical affection, emotional support, laughter, heck even the annoyances, it's all gone just like that. The ability to feel with someone, it's gone. I don't want him in my mind and in my heart...I want him here!

Who do I have intelligent conversations with anymore? We used to chat about the practical applications of chemistry, physics, bioengineering or long theoretical discussions on societal issues or ancient history or astronomy. His biggest interests were technology, military history, Ancient Rome and astrophysics. Where am I going to ever find someone again who can theorize like he did? How am I going to find a person to use my brain with ever again? He took away my intellectual stimulation and left me with a sister who interrupts you and says, "Oh I don't understand all that crap, that's for geeks."

He was my loving, sweet, caring nerd who was in awe of my artistic talents and supported me no matter what.

That's all gone now. All taken from me in seconds. Taken from me by a shotgun.

I didn't just lose a man, or a husband or a partner, I lost a whole different world from the one that exists outside that door. I lost an entire life of experiences. I lost a whole part of me. Our lives were so intertwined that it's not just him whose gone, he took parts of my life with him.

I think that's what a lot of people don't get. It wasn't just his life that ended, a whole relationship died, a whole part of my experiencing of the world died. It was Our life. And now it's just me, struggling to come to terms with a rift in my universe.

People say things like, "Oh well, at least he didn't kill you too." In a way, he did. He killed a whole half of my experience of the world. Part of what made me, me, is now missing. I'm a half again who has to try to navigate in a world she hasn't looked at from that perspective since she was a blank inexperienced child.

I experienced my entire adulthood with him. You can't just shrug that off without mourning it, without fully acknowledging the grief it generates.

I'm lonely. I'm missing him intensely. I want to feel myself against someone. It's like recovering from an addiction, you just want to grab someone, drag them home and snuggle them or desperately run out and buy a pet. I need to self soothe in some way that helps me get through this. I wish I knew someone with a dog.

I miss him so much.