My husband died today

[stillstanding2]

Hi @Medic72. I always read your posts, as do the others here. I'm still firmly confident that you are going to be fine and spiral out of the immediate trauma you are suffering. You are an amazing writer and thinker, and your candor is utterly astounding.

I'm thinking cautiously right now for you, though. You seem to be passing through one of the really dark phases of survival, and I wonder if you are taking care to keep a safe perspective during your inevitable searches for answers.

Specifically, I'm thinking about your studying the contents of your husband's ipod. That is a risky thing to do, in my opinion, unless you stay prepared for not knowing the context of notes that may never have been intended for others' eyes, and may simply not have been true to begin with.

An ipod or private journal can contain fragments of people's thoughts on different levels, including the subconscious. Comments may be diametrically opposed to reality. The person who wirites them might laugh at himself immediately for having had such a thought, yet fail to delete the entry, since it is only steam-of-thought. In short, such comments from the interior of a person's mind can be only the sometimes random operation of the imagination, maybe only a split-second long, before it is rejected and forgotten. If it becomes written, it becomes static. Whomever reads it can misinterpret its importance.

So I wonder how much credence you are giving any of the negative thoughts you may read, especially if they pertain to you. There may never be a way to clarify another persons motives for saying some things that they perhaps never meant as the truth.

You very wisely know the benefit of anonymity in writing to us anything that crosses your mind. And you do it so well that no doubt some of us envy your abilities do do so. But what your husband wrote to himself is not anonymous to you now.

In your drive to sort things out, to answer some questions which may not have answers, are you allowing yourself the very real possibility of your finding something newly traumatic? Could it be wise to pace yourself more? I'm not suggesting a head-in-the-sand strategy. Just caution.

For a fact, I have written some things in private journals that I would delete now as senseless or harmful to others, particularly my daughter. There are some things that, for the well-being of others, should not be shared. For that reason, my therapist will destroy my old journals if anything happens to me.

I hope what I've said is unnecessary, and that you are allowing for some disappointment as well as delight. Please keep writing. We are all listening.





journals are not appropriate for my daughter to read, should anything happen to me. Those journals are in my therapist's hands, to be quietly destroyed. It's just stuff that could unnecessarily complicate my daughter's life if she should read it.

 

[stillstanding2]

Hi @Medic72. I always read your posts, as do the others here. I'm still firml...

I'm sorry I failed to edit out a fragment at the tail end of this message. It was part of an earlier version.

 

[NarcSis]

@stillstanding2, I completely understand what you're saying. I know to use caution and "come to my senses" so as not to overgeneralize the words written during a period of anger or self loathing...as you've said, I too have written things about him in my private journal in the past that were merely ways for me to externalize my anger without hurting him or starting an argument. If he'd ever gotten a hold of that journal, it would have destroyed our relationship because it was my "vent journal", the only outlet I had for my internal angst because I had no one to actually talk too when things would bother me. The reality of being in a long term relationship is that you don't always have to get along or be completely enamored of one another 24 hours a day 365 days a year, you can have bad periods and periods when you totally can't stand one another. I should actually write that down somewhere on a flashcard to remind myself in future.

I loved him. He loved me. Those brief periods where we didn't like one another, they paled in comparison to the times where we got along and loved one another. The happy times we had together far outweigh the bad times.

I think what bothers me most is the lack of a certain note. The final note. There was none. He didn't say goodbye. He didn't explain anything. I guess I just keep searching his things hoping perhaps that I'd just missed something, a ridiculous note that said he loved me and he was sorry even with no further context. Even as I'm going through all of the papers and junk in the basement I'm searching every single receipt, ever scrap of paper and document or pay stub in the hopes that I will find something from him that at least just said goodbye to me. We talked about everything - okay, obviously not everything, but we talked about more than the average relationship. We were pretty open with one another, we would sit squirming through obvious discomfort trying to communicate the difficult emotional stuff that could be misinterpreted and we both agreed to keep an open mind and say the things that came to mind. We weren't ridiculous marriage counselling staged, we were just honest with one another from time to time, uncomfortably so as a matter of fact. We talked, so his leaving without a word? His dying by choice without so much as a goodbye!? It's hard to get over that.

My husband used to joke that if he ever died my old friend would probably rush to my side and take care of me because he said (and I quote) "that man really loves you." I always scoffed at that because the thought of it was ridiculous. Yes, I crushed on him badly when I was a teenager, but no we were never an "item", we never "dated" and we certainly did nothing even remotely romantic with one another in the years we'd known each other. I was friend-zoned with him after only a few interactions. My hubby never really liked him, always seemed to feel threatened by him and I guess was a little jealous of the man despite my always reassuring him that there was never anything between us, I mean, the man never once held my hand even in all the years I associated with him before I met my husband. I think that says a lot. If a guy is interested in you romantically, he shows it, he doesn't beat around the bush for 5 years! My friend and I continued to be friends after I moved in with my hubby, although he too seemed a little uncomfortable around my hubby. Over the years I guess I wished they'd just eventually learn to like one another, but square pegs and round holes just never coexist happily.

I drifted away from my old friend because of my hubby. He showed up again in the weeks after my hubby died but just like all the rest of the people I called "friend", he's once again slipping into the shadows of my life again. When there's a tragedy like a sudden loss, people will rush to your side and over time they will start to rejoin their previous lives as their shock and grief wears off - yours still continues but they were distant enough from the event that their lives return to normal more quickly. My old friend has gone back to the life he had before my hubby died...the "call me anytime if you need to talk" and the "if you just need to text someone I'm here", like everyone else who said them, are just hollow words that people tell you in times like this. You send the texts when you're low weeks after and no one wants to deal with your crap anymore - not even your old "best friends". So I hate to say it, hubby, you were wrong. He's not going to be here for me, he wasn't there before you died, so why would he alter his life to be in mine now?

I'm alone.

I'm not even going to go into the trust issues that come up again because of this. The abandonment. The anger. The pushing away and isolating cycle again. The indignant, "well if they can turn their backs on me in my time of need, then who needs them, I don't need anyone!" which quickly dissolves into tearful thoughts of "How can you just walk away from me, didn't I actually mean anything to you!?" And a heart breaks over and over and over.

In the end, the only person who keeps coming back to me is my sister. Like hubby, there will only be one person left for me to rely on and even that, rely on with my fingers crossed behind my back and my internal psychological backpack filled with defense statements like, "I told you so" or "remember, that's just how she is, just breathe and ignore it." I know she loves me but I think the hard part about it is that I don't really feel those feelings. I think this was the hardest for hubby to hear too. I said to him that sometimes I can't feel anything for anyone - it's like trying to sense cardboard. I feel no human connection to people sometimes, him included. I made sure to point out that it didn't mean that I didn't love him just that I was cognizant of loving him but unable to feel that connection emotionally sometimes. Even now, with him gone, I miss the absolute crap out of him but sometimes I can't feel why I miss him. I loved him but sometimes I can't feel that love, there just isn't a sense of it in my brain...it's like I know it should be there but I just get a blank.

And then there are the days when I feel it and I can't stop crying and I break down and I just miss him and the love we felt for one another so intensely it's like my heart is being squeezed in my chest. Those are the days when I open my mouth to cry and this wail emanates from my mouth that sounds unworldly, like my very soul is screaming for the loss of him. I'm uncomfortable feeling that much pain all at once and so intensely. It frightens me.

I get the same way with my sister. There are days when she could be a complete stranger with the lack of emotional connection I feel to her and then other times I feel guilt like I should love her and be more appreciative of her than I am...I just can't.

That's a PTSD thing isn't it? I became aware of it a few years back when I was so angry with my hubby that I felt like I could just pack up and leave. It was like a slap in the face when I thought about it because I searched inside for the love and pain that I should have had with a thought like that and there was nothing but blankness. I remember even looking at him and almost feeling with my heart toward him and hitting a blank...it was like I was looking at someone I didn't really know and I knew that was wrong because I know cognitively how it felt to look at him before and just love every pore of his skin and every ounce of energy emanating from him. I hated not feeling him. I know it was transient because some mornings I would wake up and just be awestruck with how amazing he was and just how deeply I loved him...like my heart was overflowing with emotion and bursting at the seams. I didn't like those periods where I couldn't feel the love. I still don't like them, that dysthymic (is that the right word?) sensation when I look at his pictures - like I"m looking at a complete stranger whom I had no connection too. Blank.

I wonder if that's a trust thing my mind does to protect me from the hurt. I'm being hurt from my "friends". I'm already hurt from the loss of my hubby, so I wonder if sometimes the emotional pain just gets too overwhelming that my brain just shuts off those pathways to try to protect me? Interesting theory. I mean, his leaving me through suicide was a betrayal of my trust of him.

----Uggh, just had an image of what he possibly looked like in that car that morning and was immediately reminded of something that happened today ----

So today, my sister and I went to a park that hubby and I had fully intended to stop into for the past decade and never did make the time. Tiny little park by a pond with a bridge and some falls. It was pretty. Anyway, we pulled into the parking lot, on the opposite side is a parked pickup truck. My sister later said she saw a man in the driver's seat "sleeping". I didn't think anything of it because I didn't see him, I assumed it was an empty vehicle and the person was off hiking. She remarked to me as we were pulling away from the park onto a busy street that "huh, is that guy still sleeping in that truck?" So I say, "What?' and she says, "That guys been sleeping in the driver's seat of his truck since we got there, he didn't even wake up when we pulled in. His seat is reclined a bit." I look back toward the truck, I can't see anything. We turn onto the street, she accelerates to leave and I get a full on view of the truck - the man does not look right, his arm looks like it's at an odd angle. His head looks like it's at an odd angle. I want to take a better look but she's accelerating away. I say, "He didn't look right." She says, "What do you mean?" I said, "Are we sure he's sleeping?" and my mind fills in with, "or is he dead. Did he kill himself?"

We drove away and didn't turn back to check but for the next half hour while we're driving, I can't help but worry about this guy in that truck. Finally we turn around because she's worried about him too. We drive another half hour back toward the park, she slows down as we pass and with the glare from the sky reflecting off the windshield I can't see him anymore. My sister insists that the driver's seat is now empty and that "he must have gone hiking." That didn't settle my mind. I kept picturing my husband's car. I kept going over how I could not see his body, the top of his head, or anything but the headrest of the driver's seat that day. For all I knew, his car was empty. I never saw him dead in that car. I was never sure if he was even in there. It really bothered me and when we got home I kept checking the news to make sure a man wasn't found dead in a pick up truck in that park hours later. It really worried me.

It still worries me even though there have been no news stories, I just worry now about people trying to kill themselves that way. I just don't know what I'd do if I ever came across another person in vehicle dead. I just don't know.

I keep asking myself too, what kind of luck do I have in this life? I lost a brother unexpectedly at 14. I lost my Dad to cancer at 22. I lost my Mom unexpectedly at 30. I got PTSD at 36, I lost my career at 41 and I lost my husband at 43. Like, what more? How much more? How many more bad things are left for me to endure in this life? What bad card hand did I draw in this lifetime? Why can't I just start all over again with a new hand, a better hand? At what point do you just throw in the towel and never expect to have anything good happen ever again to you?

Why can't my life just turn completely around and why can't I just start having nothing but good luck from here on in?

I'm a little upset tonight after that clear reminder of his death. I don't like remembering that day. So much time has passed in between already but to me, it hardly seems like any time has passed. I still wish he would come home and take his seat on the couch and put his laptop on his lap and just play his stupid videos. I still wish I could snuggle up to him, lay my head on his side while he draped his arm over me and I could just feel safe enough to nap.

I don't like that he's gone. I can't understand where he's gone too. :(

 

[stillstanding2]

So much time has passed in between already but to me, it hardly seems like any time has passed.

@Medic72, It may seem to you that a lot of time has passed already, but it really hasn't. You are still processing your grief. The amazing thing is that you are doing it, and succeeding, whether you can always feel it or not. Thank you for responding to what I wrote. Keep writing with us. You know we are here.

 

[NarcSis]

My sister and I went to the park today. There was an ice storm last week and the place was devastated. It made me so sad inside that all i wanted to do was to get home and tell my hubby. I kept thinking while we were surveying the damage to countless grand trees in that park just how much I wanted to bring hubby to show him. I could actually picture myself walking with him and pointing out all of the damage as though it were actually a future possibility. My heart broke each time I realized I was doing it.

We came home and sister suggested watching a movie, so we put on Pitch Perfect 2 figuring it was a girly-girls movie but then I remembered how hubby and I had sat one afternoon and watched the original together and how he hated to admit that he loved the movie and so was actually looking forward to the second one. it was another coal to add to the fire of my already growing sadness today. So wouldn't you know it, a cameo is made in the movie by some of the Green Bay Packers - Green Bay was hubby's all time favorite football team. We had "go to a Green Bay game" on our bucket list. So yet another coal on the fire. Part way through the movie they sang a bit of the song he loved from the first movie and it hit me pretty hard, I struggled to contain the sobs. My sister didn't understand why I was crying and I just could not tell her.

She made homemade burgers for dinner and home fries. I bit into that burger and remembered how he came over and kissed me so hard once after I'd made him homemade burgers because he loved them so much. I could barely swallow the burger for my sobs. I said to her, "I wonder if I had made him homemade burgers that night instead of ribs, would he have loved me and have decided not to die instead?" My sister got up from her spot at the table came over to me and hugged me saying, "Ohhh, my poor baby sister, I just wish I could take away all that hurt."

So do I. I wish he was here. I wish he was back alive and lying beside me in the bed ignoring me and watching his youtube videos. I hated him ignoring me so much while he was alive and I knew the more he did it the more stressed he was but I'd give anything to have him alive and ignoring me than to have him dead and me with an empty hole in my life.

It hurts a lot tonight. I called it an early night. We went to bed. I didn't even bother to finish watching the hockey game. I just wanted to lay down and "talk" to him by writing in my offline journal. I just miss him so much. It just hurts to know that he left me alone. I mean, I was mostly alone before but this alone hurts way more than that alone ever did. it's hard knowing that other than he and my sister, no one in this world ever really cared about me. My "friends" all have their lives that occupy them and I was never really a part of that, so for them to try to fit me into their lives now? It doesn't work. You can't make something fit unless you really want it there. No one seems to want me in their lives.

It is true that in all honesty, 60 days is not a great amount of time in the grand scheme of things. It's only been two months and when I think about it, I've done so much in that time, so much so it all seems like such a blur but my mind still says things like, "last week, when we did X" or "on friday, he said this..." as though it were just last week. I have to keep practicing saying things like, "the week before he died." or "the friday before he died." It's like measuring time in Before Tinny and After Tinny now and it just seems so very weird.

Trying to come to terms with a loss of someone who was such a huge and important part of your life is...well, difficult doesn't even cut it. It's not a hole that's cut in my life, it's a chasm. It's nothing tangible but something that hits you in small ways that add up over the weeks and then knocks you to your knees begging for them to just come back so you can have some reprieve from that pain.

I've been crying every night as it hits me and releasing that soul crunching pain in manageable bits but since my sister has been here I haven't "had time" or rather, made time for it. So today was really tough to contain it. I'm exhausted. i fell asleep on the couch after dinner and I thank God she was here to do the clean up and just let me be the lump I needed to be. She was okay with calling it a night early today too. I need that once in a while, just someone to come in and tend to the things around me so that I can just be and not have to worry about pushing my grief aside in order to function.

She's the only person I can cry with and not have to worry about being "strong" or appearing okay. Everyone else seems to get severely uncomfortable and wants to run away like I have the plague. Ooooh, better get out of here before I catch "depression germs" or something ridiculous like that. More than likely it's just panic, "Oh my God, what do I do? What do I say? Agggh! Just stop already." and they take off so they don't have to deal with it. My mother in law is like that. I can't even talk about him directly on the phone or talk about that day or the days leading up to his suicide. I don't think she can even say the word suicide. She usually interjects a joke or tries to change the subject by talking over me. I know how hubby felt when he tried to have a serious emotional conversation with her on the phone last fall, he hung up the phone upset because he couldn't get a word in edgewise. It saddens me that she calls me at least once a week now, way more than she ever talked to her own son...that makes me sad, she should have talked to him every week, maybe he wouldn't have felt so sad and abandoned by them.

His big thing was always that "they moved down there, away from me. She moved to be with my brother. They just left me here and they never come to visit or just call to say hi." He always felt like he was doing all the hard work to keep the relationship open with his family - he contacted them, if he didn't, he wouldn't hear from them but three times a year (our birthdays and Christmas). Their relationship always baffled me, so distant considering there was only the three of them. One would have thought they would have been super close just because there were only three of them but no, they were strangely distant with one another. The effort was severely lacking and it hurt him. It was something that he always complained to me about. I couldn't replace the love he wanted. I couldn't give that love, only they could have and they didn't. It's like they're trying to make up for lost time now with me.

My poor sad, heartbroken hubby. I just wish you were here again with me so I could continue loving you and helping to heal your little hurting boy inside. I miss you so much. I want to feel your touch again. I want to hold your hand. I pray you are safe wherever you are. I pray you are loved and happy. I'm hurting for you.

 

[Nicolette]

The reality of being in a long term relationship is that you don't always have to get along or be completely enamored of one another 24 hours a day 365 days a year, you can have bad periods and periods when you totally can't stand one another. I should actually write that down somewhere on a flashcard to remind myself in future.

I loved him. He loved me. Those brief periods where we didn't like one another, they paled in comparison to the times where we got along and loved one another. The happy times we had together far outweigh the bad times.

I like this.....it holds true and would save a lot of relationships if others took this view. Any relationship has 'waves' as Anthony calls them. There will be times when one loves the other more and vice versa.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I think so, rarely is it ever 50-50.

Yes @Medic72 I think when your FOO doesn't want you, you figure 'who else can?" if they who are 'supposed to' & know you best, don't?

They say most of what makes the greatest wounds happens before 7 years old, so no one or no spouse (no matter how wonderful or loved) could ever take that away.

(((((((((((((( Dear dear Medic, xox ))))))))))))))

 

[NarcSis]

I've been thinking of him a lot today. He was never more than a second from the surface of my thoughts. I was never more than two seconds from tears all day long. I think I actually shed tears a couple of times in secret but I see how it still disturbs my sister. She gets that helpless look in her eyes, she then starts to act anxious and then starts to develop restlessness and that wanting to run off and do something, stuff that I've struggled so hard to fight.

I need to stay down when I get anxious like that. The hardest thing to do when it hits is to practice patience and keep yourself from running. I feel that there is some anxiety in my chest right now, I feel the tiny pinpricks of energy that tighten my chest and twist the pit of my stomach. I feel like I want to cry but I'm also afraid of having a heart attack because earlier when I was trying to cry quietly I got this sharp gripping pain in my chest like the muscles around my heart were cramping. It scared me so I did my best to just breathe through that urge to cry.

I was thinking about his father and how no one knows how to get in touch with him. It's been over two months now since he died and his family has no clue where his father is, how to get in touch with him or if he's even still alive. Like I said, these people are strange and so estranged from one another it baffles me. What kind of father wants to move away so that his family will never be able to contact him again? D*ck. I did an internet search of obituary postings for the past two years and came up with nothing in his Dad's name. I googled his Dad's name but again, these people have always been so very careful of the traces they leave behind, almost paranoid I'd say, my own husband used aliases online so that no one could potentially trace him! So that being said, I am not even sure if his father even knows his son is dead or if the man even cares...or if he's even still alive himself.

It is snowing pretty bad out tonight and has been all day. I almost reached for my phone several times today to text hubby at work to let him know to be careful coming home - yeah, he's not at work anymore. I wanted so badly just to text someone else instead to talk about the stupid weather! I have my sister sitting right next to me (on her phone) and I want to text someone else!? Honestly though, I wanted to text hubby, I wished I had left his phone active.

I did fall asleep on the couch today, again. I think it's because I don't have to keep watch like when hubby used to be here, he was my "watch" and I could actually relax. When my sister is here, I can actually get tired and nap in the afternoon. I was so out cold that I was dreaming and I slept for a good hour.

I will say though, the pain of his being gone? That tiny bit of reality that creeps in around the edges day after day after day? It hurts. It is like a tearing sensation in the fabric of your very self. A painful tear that is opening inch by inch each day. I feel a pressure at the top of my mouth, a pressure just behind my ears, like there is something sitting there building and needing release. I think I want to just sit and cry for a very long time until the crying sensation is exhausted.

That need of him, it's unbearable. I just want to resort to begging the universe to reverse time, bring him back, make it out to have been some huge mistake and just give him back to me. I know that doesn't work but the human mind will always whisper, "well maybe this once...maybe like in that movie...." and give you false hope that you can change the unchangeable. He died. He no longer lives anywhere in this world. He is a virtual concept now. He is a memory. An intangible. A whisper of wind. I can no longer see him, touch him or interact in any way with him. I will never be able to discuss the weather, be concerned for his safety, talk about movies or just play jokes on him ever again in my life.

Ever again in my life.

That seems so unbearable. So unreal. It's like he was just here yesterday holding me, hugging me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me and telling me, "I love you, wife." None of that will ever happen again. I just can't come to terms with that.

I mean, he died, it's not like we got divorced and I would be expected to start over again with someone else after a short grieving period. This is a man I was not prepared to let go of. I was not angry with him, we didn't hate each other, our relationship was still working, we were doing okay and then suddenly all of that is obliterated with no time to prepare for it. At least with a divorce there is some inclination that things aren't working. There is some resentment, hatred or some kind of emotion to hang onto to get you through. At least with a divorce it's a freeing of a person rather than an elimination of a person. yes, you grieve your lost love, your concept of family and all of those things that exist within a divorce but at least the other person is still alive. I'd rather be "free" of him and angry with him than to have to try to come to terms with his just not existing anymore.

Tinny, how did this happen to us? How did you come to the conclusion that you had to die???

Why did you have to die? I'm hurting inside, Tin. I miss you so much. Did you even know this would happen? I miss you so, so much today.

 

[CaitMiller]

I am so sorry love. That is a very difficult loss to deal with. I am praying for you. Should you need to vent or just cry I am here, my inbox has its arms open to you. <3

 

[NarcSis]

So today I found myself thinking, everyone I know is very self absorbed, so if I did die, they would totally turn it into something about them. I was thinking this because we went shopping and once she got the things she needed to get, we were essentially done and she wasn't having any fun anymore, "How much longer are we going to be here?" so naturally, I just got upset and started for the exit - it can never be about me.

It made me think of my hubby and how he succeeded in killing himself and I was left struggling to deal with everything from planning his funeral to settling his affairs without a Will in place. My sister helped a lot during that time and my brothers helped a lot with the car stuff but the thought came to mind, "It would be easier for her this time, I've got a Will now and she's already been through the tough stuff." Emotionally, it would be hell, but in about a few months time, life does actually go back to semi-normal other than adjusting to that loneliness.

I know, it was a bad thought. There are still some loose ends that need to be settled, at minimum, (and oddly this is a reason to keep being alive) I have to wait until the lawsuit settles, so at least another full year. So guess what? I'm definitely going to be alive for another full year. That's got to be a positive, isn't it?

I think it was the realization that with my sister it's never been about me. With my family it was never about me, I was always a shadow person, they never expressed their feelings for me, merely talked over me and I never felt I could have a real conversation with any of them - hell, my sister still says, "Okay, wait, what? I don't understand you when you go into all that confusing intellectual sh*t." My hubby was the only one who challenged me intellectually and gave me the attention I guess I was so longing for all my life - even though lately because of the stress he was under, challenge took on a different form, like he was struggling to dominate me intellectually and it was very depressing to me.

So yes, I was tired. I was exhausted. I had just had my hopes for shopping for something for me dashed...I reacted with depression. I also realized that I hadn't eaten and I was getting irritable, so yeah, depression. It's so easy for it to just pop out and take over, especially when I feel like my needs aren't important to others.

I wonder, is that how he felt? Did he feel I wasn't meeting his needs anymore why it was so easy to shoot himself?

I made hens for dinner and my sister was gobbling them down proclaiming how good everything was. I did it for her. The praise made me feel good. (So did I really do it for her, or did I do it for the praise? ) It was just like how I used to cook for my hubby. I would do my best to make the meal spectacular, to make it's presentation appealing and I loved hearing him exclaim how good I was or sometimes, he'd bite into something, get this look in his eyes and then just stand up come over and kiss me so hard and say, "I LOVE you."

He said that to me just the week before he died. I made him lamb shanks, I hadn't made them before so this was a first attempt and apparently I hit the right mark because I got an amazed and awestruck, "I LOVE You" out of him. I must say, they were very good, so much so they rivaled ones I'd had in the restaurant. He loved me when I cooked and made special meals for him - and I loved to make those special meals for him because I loved hearing just how much he loved me and my cooking skills. It made me feel proud and it is so rare for me to feel proud of anything in my life.

He gave me pride. He made me feel worth something. Two things severely lacking in my life since PTSD.

And despite all that, there were days when I still wanted to die. With all I had with him. With all the love we shared. With all of the happy times we went through, I still had periods where I wanted nothing more than to die. He's gone and he died by suicide...one would think that would change my mind and make me never consider it but it doesn't change the underlying mindset, it just changes the overlying logic. And we knew logic can be inaccessible during emotional crises.

I don't really want to die, I just want to let go of all responsibility for things in this life. I just want that internal hurt to stop, all of those tiny little pinpricks that sink deeper and deeper and open a wound more and more inside of me. How do you heal that wound? How do you stop those pinpricks from adding up to a cut then growing to a slice etc. etc.?

I need to restore the pride in my life. I've tried several times over the years to find pride in something I do - my writing, my art, my crafting, just something to make me feel worth something in this life. I'm searching for external praise in order to feel self worth. I wonder if this is what hubby was doing too.

He wanted to become a supervisor but he felt he was being scr*wed out of that chance; they "lost" his application and then he didn't get an interview when others junior to him were getting interviews. It angered him so much and depressed him greatly - I saw it. He was the hurt little boy again, pouting and asking why nothing ever went his way. I tried to tell him to keep his chin up, he didn't know for sure if he was being passed over yet and besides, he was far greater the man than any of them would ever be. But that was wound number one that week and to him, it was a deep slice. I've felt that slice. They did it to me several times by turning their backs on me, denying me and eventually running me out of their ranks making me feel worthless. Our employer was good at that.

It had to be hard for my hubby to continue to work for them while knowing all of the shit they were putting me through. Coming home to a depressed crying lump who just wanted to die because of the things I was enduring at their hands. How many times did he have to hold me, console me, hate them, and still try to be the best medic he could while wearing their name on his shoulder? How stressful was that for him?

Another police officer completed suicide yesterday. Her crisis lasted 9 hours and at the end of it, she was dead by her own hand. I kept thinking, at least hubby fought for 20 hours. Not a good thought but still, he didn't have negotiators here like she did. 9 hours. Everyone is saying, "It happened so fast and came out of nowhere." Because it can. Why? Because we're not privy to what's going on underneath the smiles - hubby wasn't going to get an interview for supervisor (again!), he was not going to be able to reduce the amount of pain he was in and ultimately, he was not going to be able to retire uninjured. He was worried his physical injuries would make him wind up fired....just like me.
Those were not ridiculous thoughts, in fact, based on how I was treated and how other coworkers were treated, they were legitimate future potentials.

That's all it takes. The perception of your world suddenly caving in around you, your future disintegrating before your eyes, all of your hard work, sweat and effort erased, the potential loss of everything you've ever worked for - that will set off the panic that can spiral down into an end of life. And yes, it can happen fast.

The depressed thoughts? Those are ideation. The perception of your world crumbling? That is a suicidal crisis. In either of those you need to reach out to talk to someone but most especially in that last one.

I lost my husband to suicide. It hurts so badly. I don't want to die but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it when I'm hurt and sad. If I die, I merely hand my pain to someone else to bear - energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only change form. Just like I wouldn't wish PTSD on anyone, I wouldn't wish the aftermath of suicide on anyone. That is a pain that lasts forever, a loss that never really heals.

I miss him so badly these days.

 

[Heather]

@Medic72 I am reading your words and I feel your pain and how much love you had for your husband.

I am sending you hugs, lots of them and want to tell you again your strength amazes me.

With much love,

Heather

 

[NarcSis]

@Heather, thank you so much, the hugs are much needed, I wish they could be his hugs...I wish they could be real hugs like the ones he used to give me every day.

I had a nightmare last night. I woke up yelling out his name. I wasn't trying to yell, I actually yelled. My sister said she heard it from down the hall. I remember being afraid, I remember startling myself awake with the sound of my own voice and I remember apologizing and asking if he was okay then reaching out for him - he's not there anymore...I didn't disturb his sleep because he's not asleep anymore. I actually felt embarrassed when I realized in the middle of the night that I'd reached out to touch him. I felt stupid...and then very sad.

Regardless, I held the paws of my teddy bears who remain wrapped up in his blanket - in my mind, it makes them feel better to be wrapped in "daddy's" blanket and it helps me to think that I have to go on for them. Each morning I hug them and kiss them and tell them that we are going to be fine, we're going to get through this and Daddy loved us all and even though he's not here anymore with us, he still loves us. Every night I hug them and kiss them and tell them how much they are loved and it's okay to be sad because we all loved him and that it's okay to be sad because he's gone but we can get through this together.

I was very consumed with thoughts and reminders of him today. My sister and I went shopping, it was a long and exhausting day. I have to remind myself that when my days are long and tiring it saps my ability to cope and hold back the emotions. I get overwhelmed easily. I get highly agitated-feeling inside and I feel like a three year old that just wants to throw herself on the floor and kick and cry. I used to say to husband that I was feeling sad and whiny and he'd let me snuggle against him, cry and he'd just hold me. There never needed to be a reason, we just knew it was my nervous system overloading. He'd say, "We did too much today" or "You really pushed it today." and he'd just understand what was going on with me. I'm never going to meet anyone that smart ever again in my life.

I just had a flash of the dream from last night - it was the car. I was crying and calling out to him in that car sitting there on the shoulder of that road that day. I was very afraid. I couldn't see him and I was afraid he was hurt. Obviously in my dream my mind isn't allowing me to realize he is dead yet.

They ran his picture again today associated with a news story, we went to the shopping area he always took me too, we ate at a lunch spot we'd gone too before, we passed by a restaurant where the one waitress really liked his smile....I kept wanting to share the things I was seeing with him by either calling him or sending him a text. I got home exhausted and I wanted nothing more than to snuggle against him and have permission to relax and let it all out.

My sister doesn't understand the need to cry. I need to do it. I need to reset my body's stress levels. It's not an option, if I don't give it permission to come out it will come out in other ways that she's not going to like. She also doesn't completely understand my need for quiet alone time - I need the silence, the dark, the comfort of my blankie, my teddies and my bed....if only just to cry or stare at the ceiling. I need it. Dealing with grief is stressful. I am under stress. So then I leave the house and do a full out marathon shopping day - I've essentially gone from zero to a hundred - this is more stress. Cup Overflows. Irritable. Sad. Exhausted. Easily frustrated. Easily angered.

Hubby used to struggle with that trying to comprehend why I would get so exhausted and crying so easily after a day out. When I finally understood it, I explained it to him and he understood, basic biology. My sister doesn't know biology, never cared about it, so trying to get her to understand how the brain can get overwhelmed by something that isn't related to my PTSD Call? Well, let's just say she thinks she understands everything there is to know about PTSD but really she has no clue.

We're supposed to have a friend over for dinner tomorrow. He is loud and likes to laugh (and I mean LAUGH) which is great but when I'm PTSD agitated, the loud is not so good for me. I'm doing all I can to come down and resettle my nervous thermostat but I can't make any promises. That being said, because I had a "crying fit" tonight and came up to my room for a while to be alone, my sister already sent him a message saying I'm not in the best of moods. Ummm!? How I was two hours ago can't apply to the next day!!! She just doesn't get how grief works and how being out all day exhausting myself can make me more susceptible to the intense grief reactions. Balancing PTSD and grief is tough.

I have another friend who wants to come over on Saturday to visit. It will be nice to have someone else here while my sister is gone back to work. "My People". That being said, I hope I'm in a good mood and don't start crying all over he and his friend, that's all I need is to start scaring people away. I think it's really odd how the other night I was so down on my "out here friends" for not getting back to me and ignoring my emails and cancelling dates that I prayed to my hubby to help me, if he had any influence over things, to just help me out in some way, even if it's just one person who texts me back or sends me an email, just let me know they're still there. I got a text from my one friend, she's had her baby and she said when things settle we will reschedule our cancelled lunch. I then received a text from another "friend" who just wanted to chat. My cousin texted to my landline and asked how I was doing. In a matter of 24 hours I was inundated with communications from people again. I guess he is watching over me.

Today was just some intense missing of him though. I want him to hold me again. I want him to drape his arm over me as I snuggle up against him. I want to feel him next to me. I just want so badly for him to just be alive again. Just be with me again.

I'm afraid facing this world alone for the rest of my life. I'm afraid I'll never have the type of support he gave me ever again. I'm afraid to be alone....truly alone. I don't know anyone around me really. Where do I go for help? Ugggh. I want him back so bad. :(