I realize now that I said I took him home to bury him - I just took him home for the funeral, we left afterward and he was cremated, duh.
I went to lunch with my old colleagues and it was the usual. The one girl really likes talking work, and since the other is just on mat leave, they essentially spend time catching up, meanwhile, I'm sitting there thinking, "Hello! I exist, I am real, I'm here and I'm a real person with a real life and identity...hello?" oh and then I think, "Can we please just stop talking about sh*t that gets me anxious!!!"
I've told the one that I'm not fond of the other because she is so absorbed in work and if it's not work, she's talking about her amazing children and her amazing life and how great life is for her - she kinda reminds me of my sister. At least with the other, we talk about things not related to work and she asks me questions about me, like she cares for me at least.
I'm tired of hearing, "Oh, this person, X from work, you wouldn't know him/her, you were already off when he/she started..." I've heard that phrase every time I've had lunch with this girl over the past year and it's not so much the phrase as the way it's said. It makes me feel like I'm being kicked again, just an extension of "the system" reaching out to keep punching me. Her topics of choice for conversation seem to be rather baiting too, like she's fishing around for me to divulge information or something. I just get quiet. She used to be my partner and I was told *by other colleagues* way back when before I was partnered with her not to trust her. I've never fully trusted her, that's just the way it's always been, sadly, she now thinks we're great friends. I still think she's after more than just friendship. it's pretty sad really.
Today is the anniversary of his funeral. I didn't tell them that, just left it out of the conversations, but it was there almost every second. At one point we were talking about him and I was telling them about the interview with the local paper and wondering how I was supposed to answer the question, "So, what has the past year been like?" Ummmm, nothing short of hell!? How are you supposed to answer that question!? Anyway, we were talking and I nearly burst into tears. My one friend put her hand over her heart and gave me a sympathetic look, the other just sort of gave me a half frown. They are such different people.
We talked about him, about what I did with his stuff. what the past year's been like for me - again, had to keep from crying several times - but I managed to get through the lunch without a tear messing up my makeup. Of course, the drive home was a completely different story. I burst into tears on the drive home. I just missed him so much and I was all ramped up after that lunch, my whole nervous system was in overdrive. Of course, the closer I got to home, the less upset I felt. I don't know where the anxiety comes from but it seems to affect me when I'm outside of my "home zone". The second I cross back into familiar territory, my anxiety disappears, my sadness disappears and I feel like I'm "with" him again and there's nothing to worry about.
I got home and the dog was waiting for me, jumping around, prancing, smiling and making these little grunts. I didn't even bother to take my shoes or jacket off, I just laid down right there on the floor with him and hugged him. It's nice to have someone waiting for me when I get home again. it's nice to be loved and missed so much. Hubby used to do that to me. He used to come running and hug me and bury me in kisses and then fake hump my leg and we'd laugh. He stopped doing it a couple of years ago. He stopped even saying "Hi" when I'd come in the door. Most of the times I just assumed he was upset about something and I'd just take my stuff off and go to my station in the kitchen to greet the pile of dishes as though I was arriving to work or something.
Don't poke the bear.
I should have poked the bear more. I should have made him angry and had him shout and just get it all out in the open. You can't work on things you don't know are bothering someone. Instead we both just shut up and pretended everything was fine, that I wasn't getting angry at him in my head and he wasn't doing the same (I assume).
Our lawyer wanted to know if he'd been under the care of a psychologist or psychiatrist - nope, if he did see anyone, I didn't know about it and I would have no clue about how to even find out. It would have been EAP and without a valid reason, there would be no way to subpeona the client-therapist record of what even went on, if he was ever a client at all. There were certain times I remember him leaving very early to go to work, like two whole hours early and he usually said he was going to get uniform or boots or something and there was always something to eventually back that up - like new uniform or new boots that would arrive at home. I knew what a b*tch it was to get to our uniform and boot supplier, so yeah, it made sense to me that certain days he'd show up and they'd be too busy or not open at all, so he'd have to try again the next day and the next day until he was able to get his stuff. He always had the stuff to show for it, so if he was "sneaking around" with a therapist (LOL), I should have known, no?
And skills. I don't know a single therapist that didn't send you home with homework or handouts for things. I found nothing even remotely like that in his things when we were shredding paperwork. The only odd things I found were the saving your marriage books. Those made no sense to me, they were about divorce and opening communication and steps before considering divorce. Those blew my mind, but for some reason I seemed to remember him being angry about something like that, because one supervisor was getting a divorce suddenly everyone had to learn that crap or something. I'm not sure. I never once considered our relationship in trouble. Our communication, yes, definitely but that always happened and it usually fixed itself when he came around.
He just died this time.
He didn't know how to communicate his feelings with me anymore. So he just died.
Uggh. I watched a movie today that he'd wanted to see called "concussion". I'm not sure if he ever got to see it or not but I watched it today. Guys shooting themselves. Husbands committing suicide. No wonder I was on the floor shaking and bawling as loudly as I possibly could and begging him to just come back to me again. Bad movie to watch.
I'm missing him again tonight. I hate that there was nothing I could have done. I hate that I can't change the fact that he's dead. I don't want him to be dead. He was supposed to be here. With me. With OUR dog.
He should still be here. :(
:hug: 
