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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #1,142
So very unusual occurrence on our morning walk today - we came across a teacup yorkie running all alone down the sidewalk. There was a nearby house with the door open, so I picked the frightened little darling up and carried her awkwardly toward the house, with my poor dog in tow. It turned out these people were new to the neighborhood and it was not their dog. I had no choice but to bring the shaking little thing home with us. She was a super squirmy little thing. I left my dog home and drove the little sweetie down to the local shelter, which happened to be closed today because of a holiday. I ended up bringing her home again and took to facebook hoping to find someone in the area who was missing her. Meanwhile, my dog was getting acquainted with the little girl, at first he whined and growled but the little thing kept jumping up on him and wagging her little tail and play bowing, it was so unbelievably cute. Soon they were chasing each other around the livingroom, my dog just loved her. They were playing hide n seek like how I play with him - the little yorkie would go into the kitchen to hide and when my dog came into the room, she'd scoot out the other entrance and wait; round and round they went for almost 15 whole minutes as I tagged people nearby and put up online photos of the dog. After nearly two hours and no success on facebook, I simply took the little thing, placed her in my coat and went out for a walk around the neighborhood. When I got a street over from ours I saw a family searching desperately along the roadway. A woman saw me coming and came running down from her garage with her arms out. It was nice that the little baby was reunited with her family. He "daddy" was even out in the car searching the neighborhood.
I fell so in love with the little thing and yet, at the same time I was very anxious while she was in our house. I didn't know what to feed her if I had to keep her overnight, I didn't know where to keep her to let her sleep and most importantly, I didn't know how to tell if she needed to relieve herself and for that matter, how do I "put her outside". This little thing fit in the palm of my hand! It was afraid and making the cutest little sounds that were barely audible, I think they were whines...could've been barks, I'm not sure.
I sat there and thought, Tin, if only you were here to help me out with this!! And then I realized that he likely would have told me not to pick it up in the first place. I'm glad I did. She was obviously lost and the risk of her getting hit by a car was pretty huge.
That little cutie pie made me feel so happy inside. My dog was so upset when I came back without the little dog, he even sniffed inside my jacket and looked at me curiously, then he went to his bed and laid down looking sad. Awwwww. I wish I could get him a playmate.
Today was a happy day for me. I'm a kind, caring and sweet person. I love dogs - who knew!
I fell so in love with the little thing and yet, at the same time I was very anxious while she was in our house. I didn't know what to feed her if I had to keep her overnight, I didn't know where to keep her to let her sleep and most importantly, I didn't know how to tell if she needed to relieve herself and for that matter, how do I "put her outside". This little thing fit in the palm of my hand! It was afraid and making the cutest little sounds that were barely audible, I think they were whines...could've been barks, I'm not sure.
I sat there and thought, Tin, if only you were here to help me out with this!! And then I realized that he likely would have told me not to pick it up in the first place. I'm glad I did. She was obviously lost and the risk of her getting hit by a car was pretty huge.
That little cutie pie made me feel so happy inside. My dog was so upset when I came back without the little dog, he even sniffed inside my jacket and looked at me curiously, then he went to his bed and laid down looking sad. Awwwww. I wish I could get him a playmate.
Today was a happy day for me. I'm a kind, caring and sweet person. I love dogs - who knew!
- Post starter
- #1,143
I've been trying to reconnect with my happy memories of my husband. I'll get on a roll remembering neutral things like getting in the car and smiling at him in the drivers seat or him coming downstairs in the morning or hearing him moving around upstairs if he was just waking up...he was a sit-at-the-edge-of-the-bed type guy when he got up. I'd hear the mattress, then the floor would creak, there would be The Pause and I always imagined him yawning or wiping his eyes. Then I'd hear the creak as he stood up, the padding of his feet into the bathroom, him tinkling, flushing, washing his hands and then heading toward the stairs.
In the early days he usually had a smile on his face with only the occasional grumpy didn't-sleep-well face but in the last 4 months or so of his life he always had neutral or grumpy face when he came downstairs.
The little things just always seem to get replaced by sad things - grumpy face, remembering the silence, especially when we were driving - we used to talk when we were driving places or we'd sit in comfortable silence enjoying the ride. In his last few months the car was dead silent, he hardly engaged with me in conversation, the silence was awkward and menacing. I felt like he was constantly angry or "somewhere else " in his head. I just wanted him back with me, present, in the car, so I'd talk, ask questions, make silly statements and I'd usually get one word answers or annoyed looks. At some points I'd simply say, "Tin, I love you." Just to break the silence - this wasn't a new thing, I'd always done this but instead of his usual "you too", I'd get a loud sigh or nothing at all, like he didn't hear me.
Once after I'd said it, he turned to me and said, "You know that loses its meaning if you say it too much." I was shocked into silence. I felt like a turtle pulling into its shell, I physically drew my shoulders up pulling my neck down and shrunk into myself. We spent the rest of our hour long drive in silence. I'd filled long silent gaps with "I love you" for 20 years and he'd never reacted that way ever. I think that was the day I started saying, "I miss you."
I used to only say, I miss you, when he'd be at work or when he got home. At some point in the last fall we spent together I started using it to end long silent gaps. He was in a mood one afternoon, we were sitting on the couch, he was being quiet so I said, "I miss you." And I reached out to touch him, he looked at me and said, "I'm Right Here." Then went back to his laptop game.
He never said what was bothering him anymore. I even made sure to tell him one afternoon that it was okay for him to talk about his work stuff with me again, that he wasn't going to be retired for a long while yet and I'd eventually have to get used to hearing the stories again; that it was up to me to control my reactions and not up to him to protect me while making himself suffer.
He dumped on me, like just unloaded for hours straight. My teeth were practically chattering from the nervous energy coursing through me, it was all I could do to not burst into tears. I was physically shaking but I was determined not to let the PTSD get in the way of his being able to feel safe at home. This went on for about two weeks around Christmas that year then I finally had to admit to him that I wasn't strong enough, I thought I was but I really wasn't equipped to cope with it all again. I was jaw clenching in my sleep, jumping at shadows again, terrified out of the blue and having nightmares again.
I wish I could have helped him more. I wish he would have just gone to get help, if only to be able to debrief how he was feeling after work. He was not coping well. He was so stressed out. I'm sure if he hadn't killed himself something else would have happened to give him the slap upside the head he needed to see he wasn't coping well.
He hedged all of his bets on becoming a superintendent and being able to get off the road. He put all of his hope there and when they "lost his application" they crushed his hope. He would've rebounded if he hadn't gone to the stupid physiotherapist the next day. He could have recovered from those blows.
Sigh. But you see how quickly my train of thought spirals back down to his death. Everything else is overshadowed and I'd just like to feel the happy stuff again, it seems like a whole lifetime ago.
Miss him soooooo much.
In the early days he usually had a smile on his face with only the occasional grumpy didn't-sleep-well face but in the last 4 months or so of his life he always had neutral or grumpy face when he came downstairs.
The little things just always seem to get replaced by sad things - grumpy face, remembering the silence, especially when we were driving - we used to talk when we were driving places or we'd sit in comfortable silence enjoying the ride. In his last few months the car was dead silent, he hardly engaged with me in conversation, the silence was awkward and menacing. I felt like he was constantly angry or "somewhere else " in his head. I just wanted him back with me, present, in the car, so I'd talk, ask questions, make silly statements and I'd usually get one word answers or annoyed looks. At some points I'd simply say, "Tin, I love you." Just to break the silence - this wasn't a new thing, I'd always done this but instead of his usual "you too", I'd get a loud sigh or nothing at all, like he didn't hear me.
Once after I'd said it, he turned to me and said, "You know that loses its meaning if you say it too much." I was shocked into silence. I felt like a turtle pulling into its shell, I physically drew my shoulders up pulling my neck down and shrunk into myself. We spent the rest of our hour long drive in silence. I'd filled long silent gaps with "I love you" for 20 years and he'd never reacted that way ever. I think that was the day I started saying, "I miss you."
I used to only say, I miss you, when he'd be at work or when he got home. At some point in the last fall we spent together I started using it to end long silent gaps. He was in a mood one afternoon, we were sitting on the couch, he was being quiet so I said, "I miss you." And I reached out to touch him, he looked at me and said, "I'm Right Here." Then went back to his laptop game.
He never said what was bothering him anymore. I even made sure to tell him one afternoon that it was okay for him to talk about his work stuff with me again, that he wasn't going to be retired for a long while yet and I'd eventually have to get used to hearing the stories again; that it was up to me to control my reactions and not up to him to protect me while making himself suffer.
He dumped on me, like just unloaded for hours straight. My teeth were practically chattering from the nervous energy coursing through me, it was all I could do to not burst into tears. I was physically shaking but I was determined not to let the PTSD get in the way of his being able to feel safe at home. This went on for about two weeks around Christmas that year then I finally had to admit to him that I wasn't strong enough, I thought I was but I really wasn't equipped to cope with it all again. I was jaw clenching in my sleep, jumping at shadows again, terrified out of the blue and having nightmares again.
I wish I could have helped him more. I wish he would have just gone to get help, if only to be able to debrief how he was feeling after work. He was not coping well. He was so stressed out. I'm sure if he hadn't killed himself something else would have happened to give him the slap upside the head he needed to see he wasn't coping well.
He hedged all of his bets on becoming a superintendent and being able to get off the road. He put all of his hope there and when they "lost his application" they crushed his hope. He would've rebounded if he hadn't gone to the stupid physiotherapist the next day. He could have recovered from those blows.
Sigh. But you see how quickly my train of thought spirals back down to his death. Everything else is overshadowed and I'd just like to feel the happy stuff again, it seems like a whole lifetime ago.
Miss him soooooo much.
I feel like that sometimes, but then again the last few months we spent together were not normal in any way, so I have to think further back, to remember the good times.
I had to move into the spare room, as the nurses had to fit a hospital type bed, where they could reach her from both sides, and raise or lower it.
Yes, I do have some very good memories, but the events that happened adound the time of her passing, shattered all them?
One weird event that happened a few months ago, really scares me. One night I was woken up by a loud crashing noise! I got up checked around the whole house, .....nothing?
But the next day when I went into her room, I noticed that one of the pictures had fallen down from the wall?
Straight away I thought either the wall hook had broken, or the string holding it up, had snapped.
But it wasn't that at all, the wall hook was OK, as was the string? I will never find out what happened that night, and truth to be told,........I don't want to?
I had to move into the spare room, as the nurses had to fit a hospital type bed, where they could reach her from both sides, and raise or lower it.
Yes, I do have some very good memories, but the events that happened adound the time of her passing, shattered all them?
One weird event that happened a few months ago, really scares me. One night I was woken up by a loud crashing noise! I got up checked around the whole house, .....nothing?
But the next day when I went into her room, I noticed that one of the pictures had fallen down from the wall?
Straight away I thought either the wall hook had broken, or the string holding it up, had snapped.
But it wasn't that at all, the wall hook was OK, as was the string? I will never find out what happened that night, and truth to be told,........I don't want to?
- Post starter
- #1,145
Hugs, @Gadgie, I've had some strange things happen too. Today, the basement door creaked for no reason, it was shut and the dog would not stop staring at it, wagging his tail. Sometimes I swear he's here with us.
I was having a bad day today. It was a yucky dreary day anyway, foggy and cool, so we stayed inside all day. The mind is so powerful, you can go from being okay to seriously wanting to die in the blink of an eye. I felt worthless at one point today, just so lost and alone, feeling like I have no future, because I'm just living moment to moment stuck in my routine. I have hours to use each and every day and I don't use them, I end up putting things off in favor of lying down with the dog or taking him out on super hikes for two hours or so.
I need to get some kind of a life. I need to find life inside these walls. I go out to seek it, I go into nature and it helps me but I can't be in nature forever or indefinitely. I need to find a purpose right here in my own home, a reason to attach to this life. I miss him so much today. I long to be with him again. I just wanted to die to see if what I believe about death is true - that we simply change form and we "meet" again.
I'm not going to die today, I just get worried when it starts to feel like a premonition rather than a delusion.
i wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to him. :(
I was having a bad day today. It was a yucky dreary day anyway, foggy and cool, so we stayed inside all day. The mind is so powerful, you can go from being okay to seriously wanting to die in the blink of an eye. I felt worthless at one point today, just so lost and alone, feeling like I have no future, because I'm just living moment to moment stuck in my routine. I have hours to use each and every day and I don't use them, I end up putting things off in favor of lying down with the dog or taking him out on super hikes for two hours or so.
I need to get some kind of a life. I need to find life inside these walls. I go out to seek it, I go into nature and it helps me but I can't be in nature forever or indefinitely. I need to find a purpose right here in my own home, a reason to attach to this life. I miss him so much today. I long to be with him again. I just wanted to die to see if what I believe about death is true - that we simply change form and we "meet" again.
I'm not going to die today, I just get worried when it starts to feel like a premonition rather than a delusion.
i wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to him. :(
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
(((Medic))):hug:
This is SOOO VERY BEAUTIFUL!!! What an awesome and amazing description of your LOVE for him! You are BLESSED to have had this kind of love!!!
(I was married 4 times and NEVER had anything close to the love that you have had with Tin)
What a PRECIOUS and SPECIAL gift to cherish! I am so sorry that you don't still have him...
:hug:
- Post starter
- #1,147
I took the dog for a two hour tour this morning down to a local park. We stopped at the site of his death and just stood there for a minute; the flowers and stone are still there.
It was a windy and dull morning that looked like rain but as we stood there the sun pushed out of the clouds and a Cardinal landed nearby! The bird followed us partway down the road toward the park.
They say cardinals are a sign from those we've lost and believe me, cardinals are a rare sight in this area so it was amazing to see it.
I was missing him and tearing up this morning before we left so this made me feel so good inside.
I think this afternoon is going to be a lazy one, both me and the dog are tired.
It was a windy and dull morning that looked like rain but as we stood there the sun pushed out of the clouds and a Cardinal landed nearby! The bird followed us partway down the road toward the park.
They say cardinals are a sign from those we've lost and believe me, cardinals are a rare sight in this area so it was amazing to see it.
I was missing him and tearing up this morning before we left so this made me feel so good inside.
I think this afternoon is going to be a lazy one, both me and the dog are tired.
ladee
VIP Member
@Medic72 , When I am missing my mom and she has been on my mind for days..I will always see a Cardinal. It a reassuring sight.
Why can't you get another dog? If it brought you and your dog so much joy..why deprive yourself.
Just a thought. Even in our deepest grief we desrve moments of pure joy.
Thinking of you
Gentle hugs. You are very capable of having another loving precence in your life.
Why can't you get another dog? If it brought you and your dog so much joy..why deprive yourself.
Just a thought. Even in our deepest grief we desrve moments of pure joy.
Thinking of you
Gentle hugs. You are very capable of having another loving precence in your life.
Quote......."I felt worthless at one point today, just so lost and alone, feeling like I have no future, because I'm just living"
That's exactly how I feel when I have one my "dark-days" in fact your whole post reminded me of that, but that one line covers it all.
Sometimes I miss my wife so badly that it hurts, but every time I feel like that, I'm reminded of what she did in her final days, and that turns my grief inside out?
It's so hard to explain in words, and to talk about it verbally, as people juts can't believe it?
That's exactly how I feel when I have one my "dark-days" in fact your whole post reminded me of that, but that one line covers it all.
Sometimes I miss my wife so badly that it hurts, but every time I feel like that, I'm reminded of what she did in her final days, and that turns my grief inside out?
It's so hard to explain in words, and to talk about it verbally, as people juts can't believe it?
- Post starter
- #1,150
I'm pushing myself too hard. I don't know what I'm trying to prove with these hikes, whether it's a PTSD thing or a suicide survival thing but either way, I'm hiking farther than my body is used too, certainly farther than the dog is used to as well. We're both a little crippled today. My knee is swollen and painful, the dog is limping and favoring his left shoulder when he gets up.
We didn't go anywhere today but on the spur of the moment yesterday, I turned our hike around the neighborhood into a two hour journey along the highway toward the paved hiking path that I normally drive too. All the way there, as we walked along what is now a busy parkway, I was thinking about the times that husband and I walked along that same shoulder of the roadway. The shoulder is now paved, but the area is the one we used to walk, back when it was a quiet country concession and not a major parkway. I was talking to the dog as we walked, "This is the same house and the same barn that 'daddy' and I used to walk by, but back then it was a gravel shoulder and there was rarely traffic here. We used to talk while we walked, about anything, space, time, existence; we loved being together. It was a tougher walk back then because we'd go through the trails first and then have to come this way to complete the loop and get back to the parking lot. It would take us two to three hours and we'd be really tired at the end."
We would be. My feet would be aching. The sun would be beating down on us but we'd be content; we'd feel accomplished. We were also younger then and didn't have near the amount of injuries we had in recent years, certainly not as bad anyway. To do a hike like that in this day and age would have been unthinkable for him, his pain was so limiting his life. He just wanted that pain gone.
It was colder than it had been over the week yesterday as we walked and I wasn't really dressed appropriately. I was extremely chilled when I got home. Hubby would always have been so chilled when we'd get back from our hikes. He was always dressed way too warm. My mistake was that I was dressed far too light for the damp conditions.
I'm doing hikes that he and I always wanted to do but could never seem to find the motivation or the desire to do. I'm leaving my house and I'm going out (with the dog) alone. I'm going further and further from my house on foot. I am trying to prove something but I'm not sure what - that I'm still alive and I am not ready to die yet? That the PTSD won't kill me too?
I don't know, whatever it is, my knee is telling me to slow the F down before I seriously hurt myself. I'm not a young person anymore but I'm also not too old for anything, I just have to learn to baby step this like everything else in my life.
I can survive. I can survive this life now. I have too.
We didn't go anywhere today but on the spur of the moment yesterday, I turned our hike around the neighborhood into a two hour journey along the highway toward the paved hiking path that I normally drive too. All the way there, as we walked along what is now a busy parkway, I was thinking about the times that husband and I walked along that same shoulder of the roadway. The shoulder is now paved, but the area is the one we used to walk, back when it was a quiet country concession and not a major parkway. I was talking to the dog as we walked, "This is the same house and the same barn that 'daddy' and I used to walk by, but back then it was a gravel shoulder and there was rarely traffic here. We used to talk while we walked, about anything, space, time, existence; we loved being together. It was a tougher walk back then because we'd go through the trails first and then have to come this way to complete the loop and get back to the parking lot. It would take us two to three hours and we'd be really tired at the end."
We would be. My feet would be aching. The sun would be beating down on us but we'd be content; we'd feel accomplished. We were also younger then and didn't have near the amount of injuries we had in recent years, certainly not as bad anyway. To do a hike like that in this day and age would have been unthinkable for him, his pain was so limiting his life. He just wanted that pain gone.
It was colder than it had been over the week yesterday as we walked and I wasn't really dressed appropriately. I was extremely chilled when I got home. Hubby would always have been so chilled when we'd get back from our hikes. He was always dressed way too warm. My mistake was that I was dressed far too light for the damp conditions.
I'm doing hikes that he and I always wanted to do but could never seem to find the motivation or the desire to do. I'm leaving my house and I'm going out (with the dog) alone. I'm going further and further from my house on foot. I am trying to prove something but I'm not sure what - that I'm still alive and I am not ready to die yet? That the PTSD won't kill me too?
I don't know, whatever it is, my knee is telling me to slow the F down before I seriously hurt myself. I'm not a young person anymore but I'm also not too old for anything, I just have to learn to baby step this like everything else in my life.
I can survive. I can survive this life now. I have too.
ladee
VIP Member
Your hikes are so representative of your life right now Medic.pushing yourself and not sure why. Both the hiking and trying to make sense of things.
Proving to yourself you can still make those hikes...take all those steps on your own.
With Tin in your heart, but still taking the steps because you need to prove to yourself that you can. And you are.
A couple days rest for you and the dog (does he have a name?).
The dog represents us. That we are with you all the way.
You are literally taking the steps to healing. Tin will always be with you. That will never change. We are with you. That won't change.
You are amazing Medic, just simply amazing. You are showing us how to pick up the pieces and push thru.
A lot of respect for you. You are SO much stronger than you think you are.
Take care of that knee and don't forget we love and respect you.
Gentle hugs for one of the strongest women I've ever known.
Proving to yourself you can still make those hikes...take all those steps on your own.
With Tin in your heart, but still taking the steps because you need to prove to yourself that you can. And you are.
A couple days rest for you and the dog (does he have a name?).
The dog represents us. That we are with you all the way.
You are literally taking the steps to healing. Tin will always be with you. That will never change. We are with you. That won't change.
You are amazing Medic, just simply amazing. You are showing us how to pick up the pieces and push thru.
A lot of respect for you. You are SO much stronger than you think you are.
Take care of that knee and don't forget we love and respect you.
Gentle hugs for one of the strongest women I've ever known.
- Post starter
- #1,152
@ladee thank you for your words, maybe one day I will feel the strong that everyone sees.
Angus (my dog) and I only had a short walk today, after 15minutes I could feel my knee starting to hurt. The rest of the day was an "inside" day.
I am in pain right now. I've been careful with the knee but after dinner I got a sudden cramp in the right side of my stomach. I don't know if it was just hypoxia induced cramping - I burst into tears while I was eating dinner. There was a scene on a tv show where someone got shot, another person was putting pressure on it and I suddenly couldn't breathe. It made me think of hubby. How he died. His blood must have poured from his body like that. He was all alone with no one to even try to save him.
I go by the place where he died and I notice how many vehicles travel that street every morning- even early on a Sunday. How many people just drove past him that morning? How many eyes didn't even register him there in his car, dying? How many people didn't hear a damned thing when that shotgun discharged!? There's a house 200 feet away!
I cried hysterically for 15 minutes before I ran out of Kleenex. That pain is just so...there just aren't words...like the very fabric of my being is tearing in half. Like my very soul is shrieking.
I don't know what exactly the IMTT did when we did that session but when she said the pain won't come back, it's not true, it's still there but like it's been shoved deeper down. It wells up and breaks out - it needs to come out, it's nature, it's supposed to come out not be avoided.
If life were easy no one could learn anything or grow in any way could they? Why do people always want to take away your pain?
I miss him. I miss him like I've never missed anyone or anything in my life. I don't feel whole anymore. I'm not complete. Maybe that's why I hike; I'm still looking for him, I'm trying to feel complete again.
You're right, I'm still trying to survive this life.
Angus (my dog) and I only had a short walk today, after 15minutes I could feel my knee starting to hurt. The rest of the day was an "inside" day.
I am in pain right now. I've been careful with the knee but after dinner I got a sudden cramp in the right side of my stomach. I don't know if it was just hypoxia induced cramping - I burst into tears while I was eating dinner. There was a scene on a tv show where someone got shot, another person was putting pressure on it and I suddenly couldn't breathe. It made me think of hubby. How he died. His blood must have poured from his body like that. He was all alone with no one to even try to save him.
I go by the place where he died and I notice how many vehicles travel that street every morning- even early on a Sunday. How many people just drove past him that morning? How many eyes didn't even register him there in his car, dying? How many people didn't hear a damned thing when that shotgun discharged!? There's a house 200 feet away!
I cried hysterically for 15 minutes before I ran out of Kleenex. That pain is just so...there just aren't words...like the very fabric of my being is tearing in half. Like my very soul is shrieking.
I don't know what exactly the IMTT did when we did that session but when she said the pain won't come back, it's not true, it's still there but like it's been shoved deeper down. It wells up and breaks out - it needs to come out, it's nature, it's supposed to come out not be avoided.
If life were easy no one could learn anything or grow in any way could they? Why do people always want to take away your pain?
I miss him. I miss him like I've never missed anyone or anything in my life. I don't feel whole anymore. I'm not complete. Maybe that's why I hike; I'm still looking for him, I'm trying to feel complete again.
You're right, I'm still trying to survive this life.
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