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- #577
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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
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- Post starter
- #578
I was writing about the vision of our future and whether or not we were together in those visions. In our early years together I never wanted to admit that when I pictured the future I never saw him there with me but as time went by we sort of developed a common vision. Sure it was based on winning the lottery but we were envisioning us together and growing old.
We don't get to do that now.
My sister extended her stay until Thirsday. I've got the roof being done on Wednesday and materials being delivered on Tuesday so We've got to be out of the house both days. It's going to be an exhausting week for me.
There's something slightly annoying that I caught today and it's bugging me. I was relating to my sister a story about a widower who reconnected with his first wife after she too became a widow and I think I made the comment, "Dude, she's your ex for a reason..." So my sister says, "Weird, You can't just go back to an ex wife. (Strange pause, and angrily) Just like you can't go back to old boyfriends either."
I immediately said, "Well, I'm glad I don't have any." Because I knew what she was insinuating, that just because I'm suddenly talking to my old buddy again, I'm going to start "hooking up" with him. She's never liked him, he's only ever tolerated her and when I was younger both she and my mother thought the worst of me when I used to hang out with him.
I've always sworn up and down that there was nothing going on between us, we were just friends. No one ever believed me. I don't think my husband even ever believed it but it was the gods honest truth. I've never kissed the man, hell I've never even held his hand - we talked; we spent a lot of time talking with one another and over the years I've held an affection for him that was quite brotherly. I felt connected to him on some level. When we first started hanging out over 20 years ago, I had a huge crush on him but when a guy won't even hold your hand, you take the hint and place him in the Buddy box. He's my buddy.
I also resent the tone she used when she said it. I'm not a child and if I chose to have friends who aren't her friends that's called life. If at some point I want to date someone then that too is life and it's MY decision not hers.
It's not my fault she chose to be single all her life because she was scared to date. It wasn't me who "made" her stay single, she's the one who always ends up scaring away any guy who would be interested in her. Again, never my issue.
But this is what I'm going to have to put up with now. I caught her trying to look at my phone the other day, for what purpose? To tell me she disapproves of my being in contact with him? I really don't care if she approves or not. I'm a fully grown adult woman and I can do whatever the hell I please without her approval. It's not my fault that she's still so emotionally immature.
My buddy called the other day to try to reschedule the dinner I camcelled on him; he's eager for me to meet his new gf. I'd like to meet her too. I've never known any of his gfs and he seems serious about this one - he's 51 and he's finally got a steady gf, yay!
I know it will be hard for me to see them together, simply because I miss that type of interaction so much now, hugs, kisses, being held, holding hands, touching each other in some small way...I just miss it. It's going to be hard to watch, but I'm happy for him, especially if he can have even just a fraction of the love that I had in my life. I was blessed.
My sister can never understand. I have to have my own life now, which means my own friends or not, but it will be my choice. It's my life to look after now. I have to look after me.
And miss him terribly while I try to do all of that.
We don't get to do that now.
My sister extended her stay until Thirsday. I've got the roof being done on Wednesday and materials being delivered on Tuesday so We've got to be out of the house both days. It's going to be an exhausting week for me.
There's something slightly annoying that I caught today and it's bugging me. I was relating to my sister a story about a widower who reconnected with his first wife after she too became a widow and I think I made the comment, "Dude, she's your ex for a reason..." So my sister says, "Weird, You can't just go back to an ex wife. (Strange pause, and angrily) Just like you can't go back to old boyfriends either."
I immediately said, "Well, I'm glad I don't have any." Because I knew what she was insinuating, that just because I'm suddenly talking to my old buddy again, I'm going to start "hooking up" with him. She's never liked him, he's only ever tolerated her and when I was younger both she and my mother thought the worst of me when I used to hang out with him.
I've always sworn up and down that there was nothing going on between us, we were just friends. No one ever believed me. I don't think my husband even ever believed it but it was the gods honest truth. I've never kissed the man, hell I've never even held his hand - we talked; we spent a lot of time talking with one another and over the years I've held an affection for him that was quite brotherly. I felt connected to him on some level. When we first started hanging out over 20 years ago, I had a huge crush on him but when a guy won't even hold your hand, you take the hint and place him in the Buddy box. He's my buddy.
I also resent the tone she used when she said it. I'm not a child and if I chose to have friends who aren't her friends that's called life. If at some point I want to date someone then that too is life and it's MY decision not hers.
It's not my fault she chose to be single all her life because she was scared to date. It wasn't me who "made" her stay single, she's the one who always ends up scaring away any guy who would be interested in her. Again, never my issue.
But this is what I'm going to have to put up with now. I caught her trying to look at my phone the other day, for what purpose? To tell me she disapproves of my being in contact with him? I really don't care if she approves or not. I'm a fully grown adult woman and I can do whatever the hell I please without her approval. It's not my fault that she's still so emotionally immature.
My buddy called the other day to try to reschedule the dinner I camcelled on him; he's eager for me to meet his new gf. I'd like to meet her too. I've never known any of his gfs and he seems serious about this one - he's 51 and he's finally got a steady gf, yay!
I know it will be hard for me to see them together, simply because I miss that type of interaction so much now, hugs, kisses, being held, holding hands, touching each other in some small way...I just miss it. It's going to be hard to watch, but I'm happy for him, especially if he can have even just a fraction of the love that I had in my life. I was blessed.
My sister can never understand. I have to have my own life now, which means my own friends or not, but it will be my choice. It's my life to look after now. I have to look after me.
And miss him terribly while I try to do all of that.
D
Deleted member 12723
Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your life and your choice rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am very proud of you for coming to this point in your healing/recovering/ mourning phases.:hug:
- Post starter
- #580
I hate fireworks, I hate them. I was just finally getting used to them to the point where they didn't bother me and now, they are a trigger to his death and a PTSD trigger once again. I hate it.
There is no need for fireworks to be going off tonight, there is no special occasion until the weekend. I was reading accounts of other widows who lost their spouses to suicide and others whose loss involved guns - someone set off fireworks near our backyard. I screamed, ducked and ran for my life. All that kept going through my mind was, "Get to the center of the house, get down, get low, get behind a wall!!!" At the same time I'm picturing some of the shootings I've attended to and then I'm reminded that my husband shot himself and now I can't breathe at all. I'm making this retching noise that sounds like I'm choking, and I'm crouched in the stairwell with my head covered, tears pouring from me and I feel like I can't suck in enough air.
My sister runs from the front of the house, panicked, sees me crouched in the dark stairwell and says angrily, "Geez! What's wrong? Oh shit, stupid fireworks! I'm sorry!! I left that door open, geez, this is my fault." I'm finally able to suck in a lungful of air but it only serves to allow airflow over my vocal cords and I start the howling sobs. "Oh geez, Baby girl!! Dammit, I'll close the door, it'll be okay!" (Runs to close the door and screams out the back door, "Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you people!")
It took a long time to calm down, 15 or 20 minutes? It was a lot of hyperventilating and again, losing my voice so I can't tell her what I need or want or whatever, just that howling cry. By the time I could move everything was tense and stiff and I had difficulty just figuring out how to stand up. Everything still hurts, it's been an hour since it happened. I still feel "little" and vulnerable. My chest hurts. She can't understand me when I'm "little" and she gets frustrated.
I came to bed and cried into his shirt for a while. His shirt is wrapped in his blanket so I rubbed "his tummy" for a while and it kept running through my mind, "How could you hurt my Tinny? How could you put a hole in his side? I needed you, Tin. I need you, please, Tin. I need you. She doesn't know how to handle this."
I don't like guns. I never liked guns. I was always afraid of guns. I hate guns now. I hate the sound of them, I hate pictures of them and I hate people talking about them. That is still a pretty sore spot with me. Why do men have to shoot themselves? Why not do something less physically devastating? How much do you have to hate yourself in those moments to shoot yourself? A lot of men shoot themselves and there are so many women out there like me who have to deal with the aftermath of that and struggle to go on not only coming to terms with a whole new way of life but with trying to understand how the one they loved can come to such a horrendous and violent end. Especially since we've lived so close with the soft and tender loving side of that person. Where does such violence come from?
I hate guns. I just hate them now.
I heard his voice last night. He was asking me, "Did you remember to close that door?" I know I had to be dreaming that he was in the bedroom because I replied, "What door?" and he just said again, "Did you remember to close that door?" It was so loud and clear that I lifted my head off the pillow and looked over to where I swear I heard the voice coming from - nothing there but shadows. I sat up and looked around the room, I guess hoping I was going to see him but I saw nothing. I realized I must have been dreaming. I couldn't figure out what door he was talking about. I told my sister about that dream this morning.
When I was sitting in the stairwell crying, just when i was starting to calm down it hit me and I croaked out, "I didn't remember to close that door! Tinny said to remember to close that door." and I burst into tears again. She hugged me and said, "Gee, babe, that was my fault, I opened that stupid door to let some air in here. I'm sorry." but I was crying too hard again to tell her it wasn't her fault - how could anyone have known that the idiot neighbors would set off fireworks tonight.
It's strange that he said something about a door last night. I know I closed the back doors when I came in from the deck. I didn't know she'd opened them again. I check all the doors before I go to bed every single night, to the point of being paranoid - when no one else is here, i will set "noise makers" on all the doors just to feel safer. I always make sure all the doors are closed and locked, I always do.
I miss you, Tinny. I miss you so much, please talk to me again tonight, please, I just want to hear you again. I still need you.
There is no need for fireworks to be going off tonight, there is no special occasion until the weekend. I was reading accounts of other widows who lost their spouses to suicide and others whose loss involved guns - someone set off fireworks near our backyard. I screamed, ducked and ran for my life. All that kept going through my mind was, "Get to the center of the house, get down, get low, get behind a wall!!!" At the same time I'm picturing some of the shootings I've attended to and then I'm reminded that my husband shot himself and now I can't breathe at all. I'm making this retching noise that sounds like I'm choking, and I'm crouched in the stairwell with my head covered, tears pouring from me and I feel like I can't suck in enough air.
My sister runs from the front of the house, panicked, sees me crouched in the dark stairwell and says angrily, "Geez! What's wrong? Oh shit, stupid fireworks! I'm sorry!! I left that door open, geez, this is my fault." I'm finally able to suck in a lungful of air but it only serves to allow airflow over my vocal cords and I start the howling sobs. "Oh geez, Baby girl!! Dammit, I'll close the door, it'll be okay!" (Runs to close the door and screams out the back door, "Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you people!")
It took a long time to calm down, 15 or 20 minutes? It was a lot of hyperventilating and again, losing my voice so I can't tell her what I need or want or whatever, just that howling cry. By the time I could move everything was tense and stiff and I had difficulty just figuring out how to stand up. Everything still hurts, it's been an hour since it happened. I still feel "little" and vulnerable. My chest hurts. She can't understand me when I'm "little" and she gets frustrated.
I came to bed and cried into his shirt for a while. His shirt is wrapped in his blanket so I rubbed "his tummy" for a while and it kept running through my mind, "How could you hurt my Tinny? How could you put a hole in his side? I needed you, Tin. I need you, please, Tin. I need you. She doesn't know how to handle this."
I don't like guns. I never liked guns. I was always afraid of guns. I hate guns now. I hate the sound of them, I hate pictures of them and I hate people talking about them. That is still a pretty sore spot with me. Why do men have to shoot themselves? Why not do something less physically devastating? How much do you have to hate yourself in those moments to shoot yourself? A lot of men shoot themselves and there are so many women out there like me who have to deal with the aftermath of that and struggle to go on not only coming to terms with a whole new way of life but with trying to understand how the one they loved can come to such a horrendous and violent end. Especially since we've lived so close with the soft and tender loving side of that person. Where does such violence come from?
I hate guns. I just hate them now.
I heard his voice last night. He was asking me, "Did you remember to close that door?" I know I had to be dreaming that he was in the bedroom because I replied, "What door?" and he just said again, "Did you remember to close that door?" It was so loud and clear that I lifted my head off the pillow and looked over to where I swear I heard the voice coming from - nothing there but shadows. I sat up and looked around the room, I guess hoping I was going to see him but I saw nothing. I realized I must have been dreaming. I couldn't figure out what door he was talking about. I told my sister about that dream this morning.
When I was sitting in the stairwell crying, just when i was starting to calm down it hit me and I croaked out, "I didn't remember to close that door! Tinny said to remember to close that door." and I burst into tears again. She hugged me and said, "Gee, babe, that was my fault, I opened that stupid door to let some air in here. I'm sorry." but I was crying too hard again to tell her it wasn't her fault - how could anyone have known that the idiot neighbors would set off fireworks tonight.
It's strange that he said something about a door last night. I know I closed the back doors when I came in from the deck. I didn't know she'd opened them again. I check all the doors before I go to bed every single night, to the point of being paranoid - when no one else is here, i will set "noise makers" on all the doors just to feel safer. I always make sure all the doors are closed and locked, I always do.
I miss you, Tinny. I miss you so much, please talk to me again tonight, please, I just want to hear you again. I still need you.
- Post starter
- #583
Three hours of sleep last night and a full day out today. I'm exhausted and I am having another bad night. Why are my bad nights always just before I do something important? I am supposed to go to an art gallery with my old partner and her husband (a former student of mine) tomorrow. I'm driving so I'm already expecting to be on edge because I've never gone to this city before...and I have my sister navigating...who uses Up and Down instead of North or South. Ugggh, anxiety.
How do you handle homicidal rage? I only ask because I received another run-around email from my husband's RRSP holder and I went from having had a fun but tiring day to wanting to blow up the offices of these people, cut their heads off and place them each on a pike! My own heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest and I was shaking so badly. Over an email!! Geez and my employer and workers comp still insist that I'm not "disabled enough" to not work? I cannot handle reading an email !!
Who is supposed to be there to protect me in those situations? How in hell do I handle this alone? Am I seriously going to have to hire ANOTHER lawyer to deal with this for me??? How much is that going to cost me???
Ugggh. I have roofers coming tomorrow!!! I have to be out of the house all day and all I want to do is to jump in front of a train to end all of this. I cannot handle this but where do you go when you can't handle stuff like this? Who do you turn too? What Help is there for me when I can't think straight and my heart feels like it is about to explode? So frustrated, so angry, so irritable that my sister just shuts down and won't talk to me - walks around on eggshells and looks at me scared!! SHE can't help me and so her go-to response is always to puff out her chest and say, "Where are their offices? Let ME got there and order them to give this stuff to you." I honestly don't know who she thinks she is sometimes or what kind of power she feels she has to MAKE things happen the way she imagines. They wouldn't have any right to divulge any of my husband's financial information to her, let alone allow her access to that RRSP, she is not a wife, spouse or partner of the holder! I am the only one (or my designated attorney) who can actually deal with this and I seriously doubt my own ability to deal with these people rationally anymore. They've lost the death certificate I sent them and it is driving me up the wall because from the start the left hand hasn't known what the right hand is doing in that company and I keep getting passed from agent to agent to agent and it's all a big shell game!! I feel like I'm dealing with my former employer all over again and it is VERY triggering to me.
Where are the professional mediators in situations like these? Where are the people I can turn too and say, "I can't handle this can you please deal with this for me?" Uggggh!!!!! If only he'd pulled his money from this company and consolidated everything BEFORE he died. God please help me, I feel like these people will be the death of me! Why can't workers comp and my employer see just how I react to these situations and realize that YES, I am a little F'd up in the head now!! Disabled and unable to continue in full time employment!! Jesus, when will people just get it? It's called PTSD and just because I smile doesn't mean I'm better.
Deep breathing.
I went for a volunteer position interview today. I felt like an idiot. She asked me about my previous volunteer experience and when I'm put on the spot like that, my brain freezes now. I did a lot of Umm and Ahhh and could not remember exactly what kinds of things I did at my other volunteer jobs - just whoosh, gone. Confidence? Gone. I felt suddenly extremely vulnerable and anxious and trapped and i just wanted to run screaming from the room. I kept thinking to myself, "What the hell am I doing thinking I can do this?" All of my courage just went out the window. All I want to do is work in the community garden, just something where I get to move my butt twice a week for an hour or two and get out of the house.
I told her I suffer from "people induced anxiety" (duh!!! social anxiety!?) and I don't like any face-face positions where I have to deal with the public or answer inquiries from people. So she looks through her book and offers me a position working with seniors - holy panic, my eyes welled up and I thought I was going to lose it. I shakily told her without fully coming out with it that I used to be a paramedic and this is why I have anxiety, so I do not want to work in situations where there is potential for an illness or injury to occur. She then offered me a position doing inventory and organizational tasks, I said fine but I would still like to work the garden most. I'm thinking I'll be only doing one day garden and one day inventory, but that's fine with me, as long as there is limited people interaction. I just need to build up to people interaction, so i need to do this at my own pace. I'm terrified now. I keep thinking, what did i just get myself into? Am I going to let them down? Am I going to fail?
So I can see why I reacted to the email so irrationally. There is just too much coming at me too fast. Roofers tomorrow (huge expense stress), having to go to a strange city tomorrow, volunteer interview and tonight my internet went down for a short time. All of it is increased stress for me.
I know I'm highly irritable. Everything my sister did tonight just irked me to no end and I wanted to scream at her, but I knew it was wrong to scream at her, it's not her fault I'm being screwed around by this RRSP company! But the more irritated I get the more angry and sullen she gets and the more she reminds me of him that night and rage cycles start. I just needed quiet. I just needed a time out but every time I went out of the room she would get depressed and chase me and start the "Am I making you upset?" questions with the, "Maybe I should just leave..."
I really hate the "Maybe I should just leave..." stuff, it's like a threat, essentially what it says to me is, "If you don't snap out of it, I'm going to leave." I can't just turn my frown upside down for her sake. I can't just Be Happy because she wants me to be and yeah, I feel like I'm being guilted because her time here is no longer fun and she can't tolerate my moodiness. I don't know how many times I tell her living with PTSD hurts - not only me but others, I don't want it too but it does and this is how it accomplishes that.
If anyone thinks my husband had it easy living with me, think again. I was a moody, irritable, easily frustrated, seemingly taking it out on him, bitch of a person to live with. I tried to be happy but if there was even the slightest pressure on me to do anything (get ready to go north, get ready for an appointment, find something important etc) I would get mind-explodingly angry and I would be barking and slamming things and defeatist. I would see the look in his eyes sometimes, helpless puppy who didn't know what to do to help me through it or what to do to calm me down. It was pain in his eyes and it was pain I hated seeing because I knew I was the cause and why I couldn't just say, "I'm sorry. I love you. This is not your fault. I'm not blaming you." is beyond me.
I hurt him a lot. He had no one to turn too to talk that stuff out. Where could he go? He never trusted anyone and certainly trusted no one he worked with. He had no best friends, just me. He had no buddies, just me. He could not turn to me and say, "I'm starting to resent the way you're treating me." Our communication failed big time. We each shut each other out in a stupid attempt to try to save the other from the grief and pain of our own internal worlds. We stopped supporting one another and started withdrawing into our own heads. There were days in those last few months I would walk out of the room, into the bathroom or something scowling and silently scream, "Will you just go back to work and get out of my hair!!"
Now I'd give anything to have him here annoying the living crap out of me again. I'm sorry I ever had those thoughts but sorry does no good now. Sorry can't bring him back.
I fear for my future now because I don't feel that anyone else should ever be subjected to these abusive personality glitches that happen to me. The rage is so intensely overwhelming now it scares even me. I just want to put my fist through a wall and get violent - I'm not a violent person, I was never a violent person. I feel like my heart would just explode or I feel like the vessels in my head would just explode, my blood pressure gets so high. I get so irrational at the drop of a hat. I shake with rage. My adrenalin levels just soar and I want to scream and scream and then cry and completely give up on everything.
What is happening to me? How do I stop this? How do I fix this? What do I need to do? I need help. I need some serious help here.
How do you handle homicidal rage? I only ask because I received another run-around email from my husband's RRSP holder and I went from having had a fun but tiring day to wanting to blow up the offices of these people, cut their heads off and place them each on a pike! My own heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest and I was shaking so badly. Over an email!! Geez and my employer and workers comp still insist that I'm not "disabled enough" to not work? I cannot handle reading an email !!
Who is supposed to be there to protect me in those situations? How in hell do I handle this alone? Am I seriously going to have to hire ANOTHER lawyer to deal with this for me??? How much is that going to cost me???
Ugggh. I have roofers coming tomorrow!!! I have to be out of the house all day and all I want to do is to jump in front of a train to end all of this. I cannot handle this but where do you go when you can't handle stuff like this? Who do you turn too? What Help is there for me when I can't think straight and my heart feels like it is about to explode? So frustrated, so angry, so irritable that my sister just shuts down and won't talk to me - walks around on eggshells and looks at me scared!! SHE can't help me and so her go-to response is always to puff out her chest and say, "Where are their offices? Let ME got there and order them to give this stuff to you." I honestly don't know who she thinks she is sometimes or what kind of power she feels she has to MAKE things happen the way she imagines. They wouldn't have any right to divulge any of my husband's financial information to her, let alone allow her access to that RRSP, she is not a wife, spouse or partner of the holder! I am the only one (or my designated attorney) who can actually deal with this and I seriously doubt my own ability to deal with these people rationally anymore. They've lost the death certificate I sent them and it is driving me up the wall because from the start the left hand hasn't known what the right hand is doing in that company and I keep getting passed from agent to agent to agent and it's all a big shell game!! I feel like I'm dealing with my former employer all over again and it is VERY triggering to me.
Where are the professional mediators in situations like these? Where are the people I can turn too and say, "I can't handle this can you please deal with this for me?" Uggggh!!!!! If only he'd pulled his money from this company and consolidated everything BEFORE he died. God please help me, I feel like these people will be the death of me! Why can't workers comp and my employer see just how I react to these situations and realize that YES, I am a little F'd up in the head now!! Disabled and unable to continue in full time employment!! Jesus, when will people just get it? It's called PTSD and just because I smile doesn't mean I'm better.
Deep breathing.
I went for a volunteer position interview today. I felt like an idiot. She asked me about my previous volunteer experience and when I'm put on the spot like that, my brain freezes now. I did a lot of Umm and Ahhh and could not remember exactly what kinds of things I did at my other volunteer jobs - just whoosh, gone. Confidence? Gone. I felt suddenly extremely vulnerable and anxious and trapped and i just wanted to run screaming from the room. I kept thinking to myself, "What the hell am I doing thinking I can do this?" All of my courage just went out the window. All I want to do is work in the community garden, just something where I get to move my butt twice a week for an hour or two and get out of the house.
I told her I suffer from "people induced anxiety" (duh!!! social anxiety!?) and I don't like any face-face positions where I have to deal with the public or answer inquiries from people. So she looks through her book and offers me a position working with seniors - holy panic, my eyes welled up and I thought I was going to lose it. I shakily told her without fully coming out with it that I used to be a paramedic and this is why I have anxiety, so I do not want to work in situations where there is potential for an illness or injury to occur. She then offered me a position doing inventory and organizational tasks, I said fine but I would still like to work the garden most. I'm thinking I'll be only doing one day garden and one day inventory, but that's fine with me, as long as there is limited people interaction. I just need to build up to people interaction, so i need to do this at my own pace. I'm terrified now. I keep thinking, what did i just get myself into? Am I going to let them down? Am I going to fail?
So I can see why I reacted to the email so irrationally. There is just too much coming at me too fast. Roofers tomorrow (huge expense stress), having to go to a strange city tomorrow, volunteer interview and tonight my internet went down for a short time. All of it is increased stress for me.
I know I'm highly irritable. Everything my sister did tonight just irked me to no end and I wanted to scream at her, but I knew it was wrong to scream at her, it's not her fault I'm being screwed around by this RRSP company! But the more irritated I get the more angry and sullen she gets and the more she reminds me of him that night and rage cycles start. I just needed quiet. I just needed a time out but every time I went out of the room she would get depressed and chase me and start the "Am I making you upset?" questions with the, "Maybe I should just leave..."
I really hate the "Maybe I should just leave..." stuff, it's like a threat, essentially what it says to me is, "If you don't snap out of it, I'm going to leave." I can't just turn my frown upside down for her sake. I can't just Be Happy because she wants me to be and yeah, I feel like I'm being guilted because her time here is no longer fun and she can't tolerate my moodiness. I don't know how many times I tell her living with PTSD hurts - not only me but others, I don't want it too but it does and this is how it accomplishes that.
If anyone thinks my husband had it easy living with me, think again. I was a moody, irritable, easily frustrated, seemingly taking it out on him, bitch of a person to live with. I tried to be happy but if there was even the slightest pressure on me to do anything (get ready to go north, get ready for an appointment, find something important etc) I would get mind-explodingly angry and I would be barking and slamming things and defeatist. I would see the look in his eyes sometimes, helpless puppy who didn't know what to do to help me through it or what to do to calm me down. It was pain in his eyes and it was pain I hated seeing because I knew I was the cause and why I couldn't just say, "I'm sorry. I love you. This is not your fault. I'm not blaming you." is beyond me.
I hurt him a lot. He had no one to turn too to talk that stuff out. Where could he go? He never trusted anyone and certainly trusted no one he worked with. He had no best friends, just me. He had no buddies, just me. He could not turn to me and say, "I'm starting to resent the way you're treating me." Our communication failed big time. We each shut each other out in a stupid attempt to try to save the other from the grief and pain of our own internal worlds. We stopped supporting one another and started withdrawing into our own heads. There were days in those last few months I would walk out of the room, into the bathroom or something scowling and silently scream, "Will you just go back to work and get out of my hair!!"
Now I'd give anything to have him here annoying the living crap out of me again. I'm sorry I ever had those thoughts but sorry does no good now. Sorry can't bring him back.
I fear for my future now because I don't feel that anyone else should ever be subjected to these abusive personality glitches that happen to me. The rage is so intensely overwhelming now it scares even me. I just want to put my fist through a wall and get violent - I'm not a violent person, I was never a violent person. I feel like my heart would just explode or I feel like the vessels in my head would just explode, my blood pressure gets so high. I get so irrational at the drop of a hat. I shake with rage. My adrenalin levels just soar and I want to scream and scream and then cry and completely give up on everything.
What is happening to me? How do I stop this? How do I fix this? What do I need to do? I need help. I need some serious help here.
D
Deleted member 12723
I feel for you especially right now. You are grieving and anger is one of the stages of the grief process. You have been trying so hard to get help for yourself in my opinion and still you are left alone in your mourning to face and deal with.
I think cutting yourself some slack is in order, this is a very complicated grief process that you are in and I can relate as well, because for most of the last three years I have been my own harshest critic. I had so many regrets of things left unsaid and things left undone. Omission was my failure. Yet at the time I was doing my best with what I was facing and dealing with.
You can always call a crises hot line and just vent to them, and they will listen to you if they are doing their jobs.
You have so much going on at the same time. I think that it is good to volunteer yet I do not think that you are ready because you are so tender and vulnerable right now.
You are not a monster, but a human being and it is a dead end to beat up on yourself, I have learned. It takes a long time to go through the process of grieving. So many steps to recovery from this deep loss.
You are being honest, but I do not think that your husband would want you to beat up on yourself. Just my opinion, toss if it does not apply okay?:hug:
- Post starter
- #585
I am still very raw and maybe it's because of that why I feel like I need to push myself into some volunteer role. I think I'm trying to prove to him that I can survive, even though I don't want too.
Okay, it's been a long day, fun, but still long. I'm completely exhausted and falling asleep typing, so until tomorrow...
Okay, it's been a long day, fun, but still long. I'm completely exhausted and falling asleep typing, so until tomorrow...
- Post starter
- #586
We had gone to another city that I've never been too before, to an art gallery with my old partner, her husband and their baby. It was a fun day, those two always get me laughing and since my sister was there, we didn't actually get to do any serious talk, at least, not until my sister went to the bathroom. It was then I got the stern, "How are you doing?" and "Okay" was not an acceptable answer, my friend wanted to know if we were getting along okay, if things were improving in our relationship, how she was handling my "episodes".
Essentially, she's not handling my episodes, she just gets irritable and I feel as though she thinks by being the same way back to me that she'll snap me out of it - doesn't work that way. OR I get ignored. Again, it's passive aggressive, it's what he was starting to do to me and it makes me feel worse. I just feel like I need to spend the rest of my life away from people so I don't "interfere" with their enjoyment of life by being "moody".
Anyway, I told my friend this and how disappointed I am in the way she reacts to me because, again, she still feels that I do not have PTSD and yet, when the fireworks thing happened the other night, she was scared and didn't know what to do and she was all over facebook going on about stupid fireworks and what they do to people with PTSD! It's not about me, it's about how caring and supportive she looks on social media. I explained to them how my husband used to just not react when I got moody or elevated, he would stay calm and collected and appeal to reason and try to help me to solve my issue rather than feeding off my mood and then he'd comfort me - the greatest thing about him was that he was so calm...until those last few months.
I used to debrief my sister's visits with my husband, after all he was the only person in my life, so now I don't feel I have anyone I can do this with meanwhile, my sister is constantly IMing with my niece (especially when i'm upset!) and I just know she's talking about me. Uggh. So then here I sit trying to make myself feel better and "let it go". My friend seemed to want me to be able to unburden this from me, but we didn't have enough time.
Regardless we had a great day at the gallery, the stress of the drive there and back took a lot out of me so when we got home (to a new roof mind you!), I was exhausted. I wished I could just come upstairs curl up with my hubby and fall asleep on his chest like I used too. I miss him a lot, like every second and no matter where I go or what I do there is some reminder of him. Yesterday at the sculpture garden was an installation called Magic Wood, when I was young people used to call me "Magic" and well, my husband's last name was Wood, so needless to say, I nearly shed a tear walking through it. I wished I could stay there and feel him all around me. I wanted him to be with me there in that sculpture.
I "look" for him everywhere I go. I get worried about the fact that I can't "sense" him anywhere anymore. I wonder where he's gone or if it's just the PTSD being irritated again and creating that odd separated, alien, disconnected feeling. I looked at a picture of him this morning and I didn't feel any connection to it, it was like I was looking at a complete stranger or a picture in a magazine and I got upset because I should FEEL something when I see him. I should feel that sadness, the loss, the love, the happiness in his smile, I should feel connected to that picture and I didn't. It was upsetting because I don't want to lose him that way too. I don't want to just lose all touch with the man he was and what he meant to me.
I don't want to be one of those people who just seems to "get over it" because I'm so not over him or what happened.
I was going to take the weekend to do some self care and just decompress now that my sister is gone but I got an IM from a new friend wanting to go for a hike in the morning. I haven't the heart to cancel on her because our friendship is so new; besides, I so need to do more moving and exercise that I cannot afford to pass up this opportunity. We're going out tomorrow morning around 9am or there about. I do need this. I need to get some exercise and I need to get back to hiking.
Wish me luck. Send blessings to my hubby, wherever he is.
Essentially, she's not handling my episodes, she just gets irritable and I feel as though she thinks by being the same way back to me that she'll snap me out of it - doesn't work that way. OR I get ignored. Again, it's passive aggressive, it's what he was starting to do to me and it makes me feel worse. I just feel like I need to spend the rest of my life away from people so I don't "interfere" with their enjoyment of life by being "moody".
Anyway, I told my friend this and how disappointed I am in the way she reacts to me because, again, she still feels that I do not have PTSD and yet, when the fireworks thing happened the other night, she was scared and didn't know what to do and she was all over facebook going on about stupid fireworks and what they do to people with PTSD! It's not about me, it's about how caring and supportive she looks on social media. I explained to them how my husband used to just not react when I got moody or elevated, he would stay calm and collected and appeal to reason and try to help me to solve my issue rather than feeding off my mood and then he'd comfort me - the greatest thing about him was that he was so calm...until those last few months.
I used to debrief my sister's visits with my husband, after all he was the only person in my life, so now I don't feel I have anyone I can do this with meanwhile, my sister is constantly IMing with my niece (especially when i'm upset!) and I just know she's talking about me. Uggh. So then here I sit trying to make myself feel better and "let it go". My friend seemed to want me to be able to unburden this from me, but we didn't have enough time.
Regardless we had a great day at the gallery, the stress of the drive there and back took a lot out of me so when we got home (to a new roof mind you!), I was exhausted. I wished I could just come upstairs curl up with my hubby and fall asleep on his chest like I used too. I miss him a lot, like every second and no matter where I go or what I do there is some reminder of him. Yesterday at the sculpture garden was an installation called Magic Wood, when I was young people used to call me "Magic" and well, my husband's last name was Wood, so needless to say, I nearly shed a tear walking through it. I wished I could stay there and feel him all around me. I wanted him to be with me there in that sculpture.
I "look" for him everywhere I go. I get worried about the fact that I can't "sense" him anywhere anymore. I wonder where he's gone or if it's just the PTSD being irritated again and creating that odd separated, alien, disconnected feeling. I looked at a picture of him this morning and I didn't feel any connection to it, it was like I was looking at a complete stranger or a picture in a magazine and I got upset because I should FEEL something when I see him. I should feel that sadness, the loss, the love, the happiness in his smile, I should feel connected to that picture and I didn't. It was upsetting because I don't want to lose him that way too. I don't want to just lose all touch with the man he was and what he meant to me.
I don't want to be one of those people who just seems to "get over it" because I'm so not over him or what happened.
I was going to take the weekend to do some self care and just decompress now that my sister is gone but I got an IM from a new friend wanting to go for a hike in the morning. I haven't the heart to cancel on her because our friendship is so new; besides, I so need to do more moving and exercise that I cannot afford to pass up this opportunity. We're going out tomorrow morning around 9am or there about. I do need this. I need to get some exercise and I need to get back to hiking.
Wish me luck. Send blessings to my hubby, wherever he is.
D
Deleted member 12723
Good luck on the hike, and good for you.
- Post starter
- #588
So I have gone hiking with my new friend two mornings in a row. I wondered what sparked this sudden invite, I mean, we've known each other for about a month now and other than hikes with the hiking group, I haven't heard from her. Well, apparently, her husband tried to commit suicide the other day and is in hospital. So now, I am someone who understands this, right? I don't mind, at least I too have someone to talk about this with and someone who understands the shock, and knows that the triggers can be so seemingly innocuous.
She asked if I was mad at him when he did it. I wasn't. I was in shock but since then, I've gotten angry with him only to feel super guilty about it. It wasn't a "decision" that he made so I can't get mad at him for that, what I do get mad at him for is not letting me know that he was suffering so much in the weeks/months leading up to what happened. He didn't ask me for help. He didn't tell me. That was not like us. That was not like him. We trusted each other and it makes me mad that he didn't trust me with what was bugging him. He stopped talking to me. He stopped confiding in me. He stopped sharing with me and most times he was acting as if he resented me. "I'm so very sad." was NOT enough of a clue for me to think, "Oh no, he's a suicide risk." He should have just said, "I want to die." and felt the guilt and shame and sadness instead of hiding it from me. I was mad at him for leaving me alone to have to deal with this stupid lawsuit crap by myself - I can't do that on my own, I just can't and my sister is NOT the person to be there, he was the only one!! He left me alone, he promised he wouldn't ever do it, but he did.
Uggh, Yesterday was the five month mark - Five Months ALREADY!
For some reason 6 months seemed so far away but it's at the end of next month already. I haven't cut my hair since he died. I planned to do it at the six month mark but now I'm wondering if I might make the year. It all still feels like a dream. I feel like I've detached from the emotion of it and when I start to think about the reality of that day again, I quickly redirect my mind so it won't get swallowed down into that pain again. That pain is just unbearable.
My friend said she was angry with her husband when he tried to commit suicide. She said she felt like screaming at him, just get it over with then and quit doing this to me! I know she doesn't mean that. I didn't tell her, but I hope she never vocalizes that to him. All you want when you feel like dying is someone to help you to feel better, to feel heard, to feel understood and to feel less of a burden - if you know you're upsetting the person you love, you're going to feel more like a burden. The shame alone is enough to kill you.
He's apparently done this before and she said he's been suffering from depression a long time, unlike my husband who'd never once attempted or threatened suicide, who was under a lot of stress and was never diagnosed with depression but was exhibiting signs of depression not unlike previous burnout phases we'd been through. In my mind this came out of nowhere. In her head, her husband's attempt came out of nowhere, she thought he'd been doing better. She said he was set off by an argument with a man in a parking lot, went home and made his attempt.
She said it sounds ridiculous but that's how it happened. I said to her that it's not ridiculous, the tiniest thing can bring those strong urges up in blinding speed and get you trapped in that "I'm worthless, life is pointless, It'll be better for others if I'm not here, Things won't be so hard anymore, etc. etc. I want to die, better off dead." thing that takes over how you look at everything around you. That stupid bastardized logic that parades around in your head, fueled by negative emotions and a hyperactive amygdala. The only logic that is available to you because your real logic is trapped in another part of your head and when tiny bits of it get through it gets shot down by the negative stuff and drowned out.
For me, recently it is pain. It is loneliness and pain that I can't even describe that comes up from somewhere deep in me and threatens to shred me to pieces. You just want it to stop hurting and you have no clue how to stop it because it's not physical. I convince myself that I need to be with my husband. I convince myself that my life is pointless, that there is no reason for me to be here anymore - sadly, even my non emotional logic finds that hard to contest - and I convince myself that it would be best for everyone else, no one would ever have to worry about me anymore, no more lawsuit, no more worrying, no more inconvenience to others.
I didn't let her know that I get suicidal at times. I figured that was the last thing she would need to hear and perhaps that she would no longer trust me. I also don't want her to feel obligated to care for me, right? You don't want someone to be your friend out of worry for your safety, I mean she's got enough on her plate with her husband. She's a strong lady and she's been dealing with this a long time. I feel sorry for her and yet, she feels sorry for me because my husband succeeded in his first 'attempt'.
I invited her in for coffee after our hike yesterday and we sat chatting for an hour about what happened. She hugged me hard and said, "I just don't know how you're doing it. I just can't imagine..." I just don't know how I'm doing this either, I just said that it's not like I have a choice, I'm still alive and sadly, time doesn't stop no matter how unfair that seems. I still go to sleep, I still wake up and strangely, I still have my routine only now, it's not like there is any purpose to it. It's like I used to clean and look after the house in anticipation of him coming home, now I just do it because it's routine. it's something for me to do. Other than him not coming home from work everyday, nothing has changed in my routine, we were already living separate lives - very sad - the only thing we still had together was love and companionship and to have that suddenly taken from you is devastating, especially when the other person Does It, right? They act and take away tie you shared together forever.
Sigh. I'm making myself sad, I'll stop for tonight. I miss him so much.
She asked if I was mad at him when he did it. I wasn't. I was in shock but since then, I've gotten angry with him only to feel super guilty about it. It wasn't a "decision" that he made so I can't get mad at him for that, what I do get mad at him for is not letting me know that he was suffering so much in the weeks/months leading up to what happened. He didn't ask me for help. He didn't tell me. That was not like us. That was not like him. We trusted each other and it makes me mad that he didn't trust me with what was bugging him. He stopped talking to me. He stopped confiding in me. He stopped sharing with me and most times he was acting as if he resented me. "I'm so very sad." was NOT enough of a clue for me to think, "Oh no, he's a suicide risk." He should have just said, "I want to die." and felt the guilt and shame and sadness instead of hiding it from me. I was mad at him for leaving me alone to have to deal with this stupid lawsuit crap by myself - I can't do that on my own, I just can't and my sister is NOT the person to be there, he was the only one!! He left me alone, he promised he wouldn't ever do it, but he did.
Uggh, Yesterday was the five month mark - Five Months ALREADY!
For some reason 6 months seemed so far away but it's at the end of next month already. I haven't cut my hair since he died. I planned to do it at the six month mark but now I'm wondering if I might make the year. It all still feels like a dream. I feel like I've detached from the emotion of it and when I start to think about the reality of that day again, I quickly redirect my mind so it won't get swallowed down into that pain again. That pain is just unbearable.
My friend said she was angry with her husband when he tried to commit suicide. She said she felt like screaming at him, just get it over with then and quit doing this to me! I know she doesn't mean that. I didn't tell her, but I hope she never vocalizes that to him. All you want when you feel like dying is someone to help you to feel better, to feel heard, to feel understood and to feel less of a burden - if you know you're upsetting the person you love, you're going to feel more like a burden. The shame alone is enough to kill you.
He's apparently done this before and she said he's been suffering from depression a long time, unlike my husband who'd never once attempted or threatened suicide, who was under a lot of stress and was never diagnosed with depression but was exhibiting signs of depression not unlike previous burnout phases we'd been through. In my mind this came out of nowhere. In her head, her husband's attempt came out of nowhere, she thought he'd been doing better. She said he was set off by an argument with a man in a parking lot, went home and made his attempt.
She said it sounds ridiculous but that's how it happened. I said to her that it's not ridiculous, the tiniest thing can bring those strong urges up in blinding speed and get you trapped in that "I'm worthless, life is pointless, It'll be better for others if I'm not here, Things won't be so hard anymore, etc. etc. I want to die, better off dead." thing that takes over how you look at everything around you. That stupid bastardized logic that parades around in your head, fueled by negative emotions and a hyperactive amygdala. The only logic that is available to you because your real logic is trapped in another part of your head and when tiny bits of it get through it gets shot down by the negative stuff and drowned out.
For me, recently it is pain. It is loneliness and pain that I can't even describe that comes up from somewhere deep in me and threatens to shred me to pieces. You just want it to stop hurting and you have no clue how to stop it because it's not physical. I convince myself that I need to be with my husband. I convince myself that my life is pointless, that there is no reason for me to be here anymore - sadly, even my non emotional logic finds that hard to contest - and I convince myself that it would be best for everyone else, no one would ever have to worry about me anymore, no more lawsuit, no more worrying, no more inconvenience to others.
I didn't let her know that I get suicidal at times. I figured that was the last thing she would need to hear and perhaps that she would no longer trust me. I also don't want her to feel obligated to care for me, right? You don't want someone to be your friend out of worry for your safety, I mean she's got enough on her plate with her husband. She's a strong lady and she's been dealing with this a long time. I feel sorry for her and yet, she feels sorry for me because my husband succeeded in his first 'attempt'.
I invited her in for coffee after our hike yesterday and we sat chatting for an hour about what happened. She hugged me hard and said, "I just don't know how you're doing it. I just can't imagine..." I just don't know how I'm doing this either, I just said that it's not like I have a choice, I'm still alive and sadly, time doesn't stop no matter how unfair that seems. I still go to sleep, I still wake up and strangely, I still have my routine only now, it's not like there is any purpose to it. It's like I used to clean and look after the house in anticipation of him coming home, now I just do it because it's routine. it's something for me to do. Other than him not coming home from work everyday, nothing has changed in my routine, we were already living separate lives - very sad - the only thing we still had together was love and companionship and to have that suddenly taken from you is devastating, especially when the other person Does It, right? They act and take away tie you shared together forever.
Sigh. I'm making myself sad, I'll stop for tonight. I miss him so much.
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