My husband died today

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( :hug: Medic Tin :hug: )))

 

[NarcSis]

I came home from my sister's house today, first thing I wanted was to tell hubby all about it.

Instead I came upstairs and hugged his shirt then kissed it several times telling him how much I missed him.

This is never going to get easier is it? My mind will always be stuck trying to convince me that he's still alive somewhere in the world or the universe.

I didn't feel him die. I didn't feel him leave. I feel like he's near, somewhere that I can't see.

I didn't feel him die. :(

 

[anonymous]

+ =
Who are we,as humans, to think that we know what happens to LOVE which we cannot SEE in the first place?

Peace, Love, Joy, Sadness, Sorrow...the SOUL??? No one can PROVE they exist, yet we KNOW that those feelings ARE! My limited education, and the knowledge of my own spiritual experiences, tell me that we do MOT know what happens to the soul when it leaves the body.

YOUR LOVE for your husband is as REAL as it has been since you first knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him! If anything, it has gotten deeper.

Dear (((Medic)))... I have always felt that he didn't want to leave YOU, he wanted to leave HIMSELF!

I am SO SORRY that the answers left with him! It ISN'T fair! It isn't RIGHT! Your LOVE hasn't changed at all, and I don't think it has to. At least in the foreseeable future. There is NO rule, no "have to", and certainly no hurry!

Please keep living life as you are...one step at a time on this journey of love and loss you are on. :hug: You are not alone!

You are an inspiration to me, and I believe for others' as well! I know that if YOU can keep living, then CERTAINLY I can, also!
(I suspect that you might say you don't want to be an inspiration, but you ARE, Dear Medic.)

Blessings for peace and clarity in your heart and mind.:hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Oh, Geez La Weez!!! I was on my phone last night when I wrote the above post! I don't think I had my glasses on either......

........Dear (((Medic)))... I have always felt that he didn't want to leave YOU, he wanted to leave HIMSELF!

......it was I who wrote this...AKJ

 

[NarcSis]

The dog and I did another "marathon" hike today. It was such a nice day I didn't want to stop, the trail seemed too short. We were walking for a full 2 hours and 15 minutes and even though the gps screwed up, it was probably close to a 20km round trip, maybe realistically 14km.

I'm pretty hard on the dog, he's not used to hiking like this, he tends to lag behind so I end up slowing to wait for him. I wonder if it's not as exciting for him as it is for me. I wonder how to make it exciting for him....

Hubby used to be a beat-the-clock type hiker. It was never really about what he could see or enjoying nature around him, it was get from point A to point B and check how long it took.....oh look, a six hour hike in 4 hours, awesome!!!

I went to the doc today and she was asking how I was. I admitted that I still get suicidal, that I feel my depression is more pervasive now and that I am still very bothered by trauma triggers. She asked about friends and family, I admitted that I have only my sister now that my old partner has gone back to work. I was never one who needed many friends anyway so I'm okay, it's just when the black cloud comes in that I feel I should have a better support system. She asked about "boyfriends" and I rolled my eyes and told her that probably won't happen ever again in my life.

I'm still married. The vow is Until death do us part, not death dissolves the marriage. I'm still married. I always will be.

She talked about hubby's death, I almost cried, had to look at the ceiling to prevent the tears.

It's not over. I don't know if my grieving period will ever end. A year is so long to some people but it wasn't for me. I sometimes find myself wondering if I were just insane and imagined our whole life together - was he real? Did any of these memories really happen? If I imagined it all then it shouldn't hurt that badly right?

I can't look at his pictures for too long. I find myself detached from his image, like I'm looking at a stranger who is vaguely familiar to me. The love I feel inside doesn't translate to his pictures...those aren't him, they're 2D representations of what used to be a person, they're not his essence.

I miss his essence. His life. His alive face, his alive breath, his aliveness near me. It's what I feel in the forests, there is a presence there that is more than just "trees", "grass" or "forest". It's life itself. Maybe that's why I am looking for him out there.

In my heart and mind, he's still alive somewhere.

 

[NarcSis]

I cut my hair today. I chopped off two ponytails of 8" each. To paraphrase the little boy in the movie "Room", I think someone else needs my strong now.

My head feels so much lighter. I'm back to the "sassy" haircut that he loved so much. I feel kind of guilty, the long hair was my way of mourning and now, in my mind at least, I don't look like I'm mourning anymore...I look too happy, even though I'm not.

The dog and I took a day off today, we just went for a regular short walk on a nearby paved trail. He got his runs in so he was super happy.

I'm going to my brother's for Easter and then my sister's for the rest of the week so I won't be posting for a while. I had to buy the groceries for Easter dinner today, at least now I know I can still afford too. Wow, I got hit pretty hard by the tax man this year and it really makes me angry. My private pension company didn't take enough tax from my monthly cheque and my disability pension had no tax taken from it! How are you supposed to live after you retire!? They give you enough to get through you present but hack you with a massive tax bill at the end of the year. The sad thing is, if they were removing the proper amounts all the time, you wouldn't be able to survive!!! So either way, they kill you. I had enough to cover it because of his leftover life insurance but how do retired people manage this? I can't see a happy or prosperous future for me with this kind of yearly bill, my savings won't last forever.

Anyway, I got that headache out of the way, thought I could breathe for a bit when I discovered my vehicle registration missing from my car! Ugghh, so down to the dmv, hassle, hassle, hassle, pay them and I'm all set....then realize my insurance slip is missing too and they'd just closed for the day! I'm carrying a proof of renewal and a slip for next month with me but I leave first thing tomorrow and won't be back for a week!!

In my life, when it rains, it pours.

I'll have to be an extra cautious driver this week.

I was so harried, flipping out trying to find my insurance information that the dog was hiding from me - it took me right back to how hubby used to get, if he had a hole to crawl into while I was losing it I'm sure he would have. I wasn't an easy person to live with after PTSD.

I think now about all the times he was probably hurt by me and my going off-side for the smallest things. My brain overloaded so easily and left me struggling to catch up and make sense of things.

I never meant to hurt him. All of the "sorry's" I tried ended up sounding like I was using the PTSD as an excuse for how I behaved. I mean it was; it is why I lose it so easily. I'm not the calm, patient person I used to be. I'm not the happy person I used to be. I know there's still some of that in here somewhere but I can't always connect to it.

I was emotionally disconnected a lot too. Even with the hundred hugs n kisses a day, those were often just remote actions; more like attempts to connect on an emotional level sometimes. I loved him, still do to the nth degree but truly connecting to that emotion? It's really tough sometimes....even still.

I now tell the dog every day repeatedly that I love him. In the back of my mind there's always a whisper that says, "Why can't you be him?" Or "Is that you in there?"
We're hugging now, he's starting to want to snuggle close to me and he'll come to bump my hand for affection. I like that. He loves me. He needs me too. I just wish he could talk.

I need to talk to my hubby. I'd love to hear his calm reassuring voice. I'd like him to tell me that everything will work out.

Just one hug? Miss him. I'm still waiting on his return.

(Have a good week everyone)

 

[Journeyman]

I cut my hair today. I chopped off two ponytails of 8" each. To paraphrase the little boy in the movie "...

wow, listen. I think you have it. Even if you keep going day by day, living with purpose; even just taking a trip, doing the taxes, (even if it makes you mad, you are feeling). Eat well, rest, but don't stop the momentum you are moving with. I didn't realize you had were shut off from your emotions during the relationship; this has to be tough, as you are needing to be in touch of your emotions, but it is all coming on so strong? Move forward; every so often, take an inventory of how your life is, and if you are more connected. Do beautiful things like you've been talking about, walks, trips, read, take in what is beautiful, or you'll numb out and become cynical and complacent; at least possibly. Your situation makes me look at my own self; it reminds to look at what I appreciate. Maybe you are afraid you'll always be stuck where you are currently at; move forward, look around, Ok?

 

[NarcSis]

The weekend was disturbing to start, sometimes lonely, sometimes fun but perhaps most importantly, the last of the firsts without him.

First time going back since the funeral.

It wasn't a pilgrimage, I didn't spread any of his ashes and didn't make it to our remote camping area, it was merely a visit to try to renew old traditions - Easter dinner.

The weekend started out extremely disturbing and solidified the notion of my brother being quite ill psychologically. First, my sister called to let him know we were on our way, he made the routine excuses in an attempt to keep us away, "I'm not well, I think I've got a kidney infection or something." My sister was concerned, he sounded quite ill and she was going to take him to the emergency department so we continued on.

Upon arriving, the house was a war zone! Dirty dishes piled up so there was no room to place anything on the counter. Dried food bits caked onto the counter, crumbs and burned /spilled food bits all over the stove, the table covered in newspapers, magazines, plastic grocery bags AND groceries that he'd just neglected to put away! That was just the kitchen!! All other tables were covered much the same way! The floors were filthy, the toilets were black with mould, one basin had a mouse nest in it, the other was covered in human hair (apparently he'd cut his hair at some point over the winter)!!!!! The bathtub was beyond filthy with black mould crawling up the shower doors! I swear it looked like an abandoned shack inside!! It didn't look like anyone could actually live there! Our brother's bedroom door was shut and he didn't respond to calls.

Purely disgusting, extremely disturbing and I feel utterly helpless knowing his mental health is sinking so intensely - and this is the man who asked if the family should consider institutionalizing me after my husband died because of my PTSD!!!???

We just silently went about cleaning. I left my dog outside afraid he'd catch something or pick up a disease of some kind - yep, the house was not fit for a dog to live in!

We found more dirty dishes in the fridge and inside the oven, there was evidence of a mouse infestation so we tossed out most of his food (what little there was). He had 5 boxes of the same cereal all unopened, all high sugar cereals. It honestly looked like he'd been living on potato chips and desserts - there were at least 6 bags of chips in one cupboard! It took hours to clean enough just to put our groceries away and then we had to move onto the bathrooms! My heart broke to see my mother's house like that.

My "sick" brother emerged from his room only as we were finishing up, making apologies, he "hasn't been himself" - ummmm!!!?? Wow, no kidding, apparently he hasn't been himself for a VERY long time!

He's quite thin. He looked dehydrated and he did not look to be suffering any medical illness at all - his energy was fine, his appetite was fine, he used the bathroom without issue and his blood sugar was only slightly on the high side of normal. His problems seem to be more psychological.

I can only imagine what my husband would have said, how angry he would have been. I wanted to scream and call for help but who do you call for that? I mean, upon questioning, he seems quite reasonable and has a justification for everything! But my head knows the tales he's spinning us are not reality, reality was right there under months worth of filth!!

His bathroom toilet is leaking again. Hubby spent two years fixing that bathroom and each time we'd return it was broken again in some stranger fashion, now it's actually a pipe leaking and I don't know what to do - the basement had a pool of water on the floor that had soaked into the furniture and He Did Absolutely Nothing About It!!! I could practically hear the profanity my husband would have screamed.

It was a very disheartening start to the weekend. We made the best of it. I focused mostly on the dog. We had some laughs. Then we left. We're staying with my sister for the rest of the week.

I'm sad. I feel powerless to help. There's nothing he can't explain away. Husband isn't here to help me figure this out. Husband isn't here to help me fix the house.

I need my hubby.

 

[NarcSis]

The worst thing about being away from home? Coming home to a cold, empty and silent house. I opened that door and walked in to the realization that when I'm gone, there is no life left in this house. It wasn't really a welcoming relaxing feeling, it was merely a roof and shelter from the elements. Without him here, this house is not a home.

I even shouted into the house, "I'm home!" and the silence that came back at me was almost heavy, like shouting into jello. There was nothing at all to sense. When he was alive, the house had a presence in it when I'd come home, a lived in, life sort of sense about it but now it's just an empty over-sized box. It seems sad, hollow and void. The air was stale and smelled strange, not sweet or comforting.

I gave some serious consideration to moving closer to my sister while I was up visiting. I also considered what life would be like if I moved home - likely my brother would bankrupt me within a year but more than likely he would have no choice but to conform to standards of caring for himself, well, more than likely I'd end up caring for him and the house (or he'd just murder me in my sleep). The dog loves it there. I'd never seen him run around so happily but after a couple of days the new wore off and he kept wanting to spend his time indoors, lol.

There are some nice homes going in near my sister's town, it would make more sense for us to move in together so that she could finally get ahead financially but I keep forgetting that she is not me and every time she has extra money it ends up being wasted on unnecessary luxury expenses (such as dinners out, expensive gifts for others, expensive cosmetics or perfumes.) I'd love to say that this is because she realizes the fragility of life after the death of my husband but she's been like this for so long that she's sunk herself in debt twice already. As it sits, next year when she finally finishes paying off outstanding loans, she will only have an extra $400 a month to spend - and she's already planning a new vehicle purchase, so essentially placing her right back into debt again! Living with her would be an extremely challenging and stressful endeavor for me. I can just hear her now, "Uggh, I can't make my car payment this month....do you have money you can loan me?" Money goes through her hands like dust.

It was such a good life with hubby here. Even though he spent his money on ridiculous things as well, at least he had that money to throw away and he wasn't placing things on a credit card he couldn't pay off. My hubby could easily support us both on his salary and still have some money leftover to toss away on a dinner out or some camping equipment or new shoes or a jacket for me (usually only necessary items not "wants").

I got home yesterday, fed the dog, put away the groceries and then ran upstairs to hug and kiss hubby's shirt on the bed. I inhaled deeply but it no longer smells like him and that made me sad. I told him how much I miss him but I know he's not here in this house when I'm gone, he's actually with me wherever I go. Even knowing that, the thought of wanting to leave this house where we lived so happily together and made so many happy memories makes me feel so horribly guilty - like I'd be leaving him behind (yes, I know how contradictory that statement is). I like having my own place. I like being my own boss, or, at least, bossed around by my dog. I like having the things I have, the things WE worked so hard to have together. There's still so much here in this house that means so much to me...but maybe in 5 years or 10 years...maybe one day, I'll be able to move "past" him.

It makes me sad to even think it.

I woke up while it was still dark this morning and thought once again, "was this what time it was that morning you got up?" I haven't thought about that in a very long time. Life can change in the blink of an eye. I never once imagined that one day my husband would get up out of bed, walk out of the house with a gun, drive a short way from our house and shoot himself. I never ONCE imagined that would ever happen to him, to me, to us and OUR life.

I still think every single day, why am I still here? Life doesn't seem to make any sense without him. I keep expecting him to come back. 14 months. 21 days.

 

[NarcSis]

Cried my eyes out today while driving - almost had to pull over. I was shaking and sobbing wiping tears as best i could as they poured off of my chin. The reason? A song on the radio. A song my brother sang for us, me and hubby, at the funeral. The song was Five Days in May by Blue Rodeo. We had our first date in May 1994. We spent our first summer together mostly at the beach, holding hands and listening to the waves lap the shoreline, talking. He held my hand almost constantly that summer. He was the one for me, I knew that back then, I thought we'd grow old together. I don't want to be alone when I get old and frail. I just miss him so much sometimes. I just don't understand, no matter how I look at it, his suicide makes no sense whatsoever to me. We could've gotten through anything - ANYTHING.

We got through everything together before that. All that time, the entire 20 years, we'd seen some pretty awful sh*t, we'd been through so much together and we stood by each other. Dead makes no sense. I still think, "He can't really be dead. He can't." He was just here. He was just here with me.

I decided to call it a day when doggy and I got home, the crying jag took a lot out of me. I wanted to duck into the house before my neighbors could see what a mess I was. I put on some netflix - does a girl on the show I'm watching not hang herself. Ugggh. I turned it off in favor of some tv movie, it was okay for the first hour or so and then, a man shoots himself in the head. I burst into tears again, sobbing and trying not to scare the dog as he stood there staring at me wondering what in heck was wrong with me - again!

I know it's anthropomorphizing him but I think he knows when I'm sad. I don't think he understands why because he never knew my husband, but he knows something is seriously sad about me, you can almost see it in his eyes when he looks at me while I'm bawling my eyes out - he almost looks helpless and scared. Usually he'll move away from me and go sit near the patio doors where he'll make these little groans, like he's trying to get my attention, or talk to me. I wish he was more of a huggy dog, maybe eventually he'll trust me enough to just cuddle me when I'm crying.

We're wearing the same team jersey's right now and watching the hockey game - just like hubby and I used to do.

So, if you count my current episode, I've cried heavily for my hubby three times today. Suicide. It still makes no sense for him. I mean, it was Him! It wasn't weak whiny me. It wasn't chicken sh*t me, always wanting to but never having the guts to just jump off the edge of the earth. Why did it have to be him? How can you just let go of everything like that and hope it sorts itself out!? I am a planning person, all t's have to be crossed and i's dotted BEFORE I can even make a move to do anything - this is why I never get around to doing anything!

I have a commissioned art piece that I'm currently working on and I've been corresponding with the commissioning agent - today, she asked how much I am going to charge her for the piece. I almost lost it when I read the email - her original offer was $500! I'm sorry but I was doing it for that price, the main reason why I went out and SPENT money on the canvas and higher quality paints! I alluded to the possibility of adding a floating frame around it but that may now prove to be financially prohibitive, the last frame I ordered was $250 for a 16x20" painting, so I can imagine what it would cost to frame a 36x48" painting. I'm hoping this deal doesn't fall through, I don't know where they think they will get a professional artist to paint them something for only $500, especially for the size they're looking for - were I a professional, that size would go for a minimum of $1500, PLUS framing costs. All I'm trying to do is to establish myself. Life always just seems hard for me.

I know. I have more than most. It just doesn't feel like that in terms of breaks in this life though. I know this is how hubby felt often. He used to say to himself, "Good guys finish last." just to make himself feel better when someone less deserving received an award or recognition or a promotion over him. It made him feel better to know he was a Good Guy and these other people weren't. Cheating to get ahead was never his way. It was never our way. We had morals. We had strong values that we upheld every single day that we went out there.

His biggest value was justice. After what happened to me his belief in justice started to wane. He became so disillusioned. He wondered how I could be put through so much crap when I'd never done anything to anyone; WE'D never done anything to anyone except try to help and we always ended up getting essentially kicked, spit on and trod upon, especially by these people, this entity that called themselves our employer who we'd never dealt with ever prior to this whole incident. I didn't know those people. MY people weren't there. They abandoned me long ago and left me there to be mistreated and kicked around by these faceless power hungry self entitled morons. They'll pay off people to leave but they won't pay me off to just go away - all I want is what I'm due. None of this was MY fault, it was their inability to compassionately manage that got them into this situation, policies be damned, I'm a person!

Hubby had to watch all of that happen to me. Hold me while I sobbed and tried to see myself as more than the piece of garbage they made me out to be. I can't recover from that kind of treatment. I won't ever be the same. It's obvious that he wasn't the same either. They destroyed both of us. All we ever were, were good people. We had good hearts; good hearts that found each other and did the best we could to be good people for others.

Why couldn't I still have my good person with me? Why did he have to die?

I miss him so much. I want him to come home. I just want to feel his arms around me again. I'm not whole without him. :(

 

[scout86]

I have a commissioned art piece that I'm currently working on and I've been corresponding with the commissioning agent - today, she asked how much I am going to charge her for the piece. I almost lost it when I read the email - her original offer was $500!

Did she actually offer less? (That seems pretty inexpensive already. I have a friend who's an artist. I don't think she charges enough, and I think she'd ask more than that.)

Anyway, several years ago, I had a guy call and ask if I charged the same price for miniature horses as I did for regular size ones. I thought he was angling for a discount so I said, "Yes, I don't charge any extra for them." He paused, then laughed, then hired me. If you're still ok with the $500, I think I'd tell her something to the effect that you still think $500 is enough, you don't have any reason to raise your price, once you've committed yourself to the deal. .

I tell myself that the one good thing about bad days is that they help us appreciate the better ones. But I wish you had had a better day, and I really wish there was a way to bring him back to you. :hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Now I think I'm going crazy - I swear I read two more post replies in here last evening but I open this up today to respond and they are not here...I Swear I read them, I swear.

Uggh. Anyway, yesterday the dam broke inside me. It was all to do with the stupid online discussion about using the term "committed" with suicide - some people take EVERYTHING personally and then decide that's their golden opportunity to launch a personal attack on you. One person took offence to my rant, decided that she was being targeted by me because she is against using the term and essentially called me a hypocrite because I was "telling" people how to think about suicide, so I "was no better a person". Ummm, I was already depressed. I was missing him so severely and then this b*tch decides to tell ME that I'M wrong and SHE'S the only right person in the world. F*ck her!!

I reacted out of sheer pain. I was highly emotional. I blew up at her online then I promptly cancelled my membership in the group - and SHE is one of the people I sent a CHRISTMAS CARD TO!!! Wow, I seriously did not have to spend the extra money on postage to the UK that's for sure! There are women in this group who whine daily about insignificant things and things that really bother me, like, wah-wah-wah my third boyfriend broke up with me since my fiance killed himself six months ago, or wah-wah-wah my drug addict boyfriend who died from an OD "killed himself" and I can't even get free lodging anywhere. I swear, there are some real shallow attention seekers in that group but I don't ever engage with those people, I only ever engage with the ones who are like me, from an X number of years committed relationship. People who really get what it was like to lose such a huge part of their life; the center of their universe.

There are also women** who daily rant about the things going on in their lives like arguments with bosses, cashiers in checkout lanes or controversial stances on political issues. If it bothers you when you read it, walk away or in virtual land, keep scrolling but these millenials feel they are constantly under attack and have to defend themselves all the time - my sister and I call them the "anti-bullying generation"...they see everything as bullying because we as a society taught them how wrong it was to bully. We forgot to teach them how to turn the other cheek, tough it up, hold up your chin, walk tall, take pride in yourself etc. etc.

** I use the term women loosely here because a lot of the new members are actually teens/young adults who've lost boyfriends and haven't really experienced life yet. They're the ones jumping into new beds only months after their loss but still looking for sympathy from the rest of us.

Anyway, I was vulnerable emotionally, the girl felt personally attacked so she launched an attack of her own, a personal attack on me and my character and SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME!! It was my employer all over again, making me feel like garbage and all for simply having an opinion - again, kids don't realize what mean is anymore and the tactics they resort too when they feel threatened are way overboard. I didn't feel safe in that group anymore, so I cancelled my membership and then felt so completely alone and abandoned. Outside of that stupid online support group, I can't talk about his death or the things I've had to deal with since - other than here but here I don't get that same kind of understanding, you know? In here I can't say, "It's been 14 months and 23 days, yet I still can't wash his towel or give away his things." and have people normalize that for me in the way they can.

After leaving the group, I ran upstairs fell on my bed and spent the next two hours howling and crying and begging him to just be alive, just come back because I need him to make me feel normal again. I hugged his shirt/blanket and wished it was that morning again and I begged him not to get up, just please don't get out of bed, don't go downstairs, just stay there with me. I howled over and over again, "Don't leave me, please, just don't leave me, I need you."

I was destroyed for the rest of the day. I still am. I'm so damned sad inside. I've got tears running down my face again as I type this. This pain is so bad and it's everywhere, all through my body there's this ache, heavy and dull like lead just weighing me down. The sun is shining, this is the type of day I was waiting for to go hiking but now I feel like I don't have the energy and I want to just lay around "resting".

The thing is, I'm not wanting to die, I'm wanting him to be alive again. It's not fair that I was left here alone, it's not fair that he decided to leave me that way. It's not fair that he didn't say good bye to me in any way at all. He didn't say he loved me that morning and I feel guilty because every time I think about it, I realize that I was mad at him that morning. I was petty and when he stopped at the side of the bed to ask me if I needed anything, when he didn't say I Love You or kiss me like he did EVERY morning, as the door closed behind him I rolled over and mimed our usual morning routine, "I Love You - Love You Too" as I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I was angry at him because he was STILL upset over nothing. He was moody and pouting and being a child. I was mad because he was in pain and he couldn't expend that little energy it took to do our morning routine. We touched hands and said I Love You every single morning over our 20 years together and that particular morning I just didn't have the patience for his moodiness and his moodiness didn't allow him to just say he loved me.

Maybe in those moments, he actually didn't love me. Maybe he couldn't see past his own mind and realize I was worth something. He left. He died and left this world and OUR universe together and now I just float around here with no reason for being. I'm unanchored without him here. After all we worked so hard to build together, he just up and abandoned it all, me included. No explanation. I wasn't even worth that to him. I'll never understand. I can never understand.

And I feel such guilt for being angry. I always felt such guilt for being angry with him because he never did anything but do his best for me; do right by me. Did I do enough for him or was I just this selfish parasite that attached herself to him and sucked all the life out of him?

Hell, I woke up this morning with his sleeve in my hand and as I reached out to touch his shirt like I do every morning, I thought, "Were you even real? Or did I just imagine this whole life I've lived? You actually existed, didn't you? You loved me, didn't you? Were you even real or am I just a crazy person realizing that I'm crazy?....have I always been alone?"

The group administrators reached out and added me back into the group, advising me that "if you take offence to something just scroll past it." Not me they should be talking too. I've unfollowed them in my newsfeed so I don't have to see anything from them until I'm ready.

I don't know if I should take the dog out into the woods again today or if we should just do another "inside" day like we did on Friday. Nothing seems to get past this deep longing for my hubby, these tears that keep falling. I feel like the dam has broken and I can't stop it up - as if going out hiking is just a pointless attempt to stop something up that I shouldn't be stopping up.

I don't like feeling destroyed. I've felt destroyed for too long now. I'm tired.