My husband died today

[NarcSis]

Today was a rest day, sort of. Because this is the first day we didn't have any pressing concerns. I thank god for all of my trauma skills.

I've got former coworkers who are suffering from stress reaching out to me to talk. I have somehow become this island of understanding that they feel comfortable talking too - but I too am currently reeling from this trauma and I'm concerned that this "helping" others by being an ear will complicate my grieving. I'm referring as many as I can to peer support services I know.

This whole thing is surreal, just so surreal. I slept a few hours last night, woke up, cried, pretended my teddy bears were upset and comforted them, reassured them that "daddy" loved them and he's still here with them and things were going to be okay because "Mommy" is still here with them.

It helps me to feel like I have to keep going for my "kids" (teddy bears).

It still hurts though. Can't even quantify how much.

 

[stillstanding2]

I'm referring as many as I can to peer support services I know.

Good for you, but you shouldn't even have to do that. Your former co-workers should already know that you need you (and your teddybears) more than they do.

It sounds as if they are panicky, but that is not your problem. It is your time to grieve your way, without extra concerns. I'm so sad for you.

 

[stillstanding2]

Good for you, but you shouldn't even have to do that. Your former co-workers should already know...

One thought here. You shouldn't have to do this. But what if you asked one of your co-workers to understand, and pass the word for you, that you are on trauma overload? Wouldn't they realize that hearing more problems now is hurting you?

 

[NarcSis]

Wouldn't they realize that hearing more problems now is hurting you?

One would think that they would simply because of the profession right? But no, their trauma education is severely lacking, this service has buried it's head in the sand regarding stress on the job - critical incident stress, cumulative stress, post traumatic stress disorder - the education surrounding these areas is woefully inadequate. Their motto seems to be, "if it doesn't work, trash it." The "it" being the medics who give everything for that service. They've just had an anvil fall on their head in the form of an unexpected suicide, the least likely person one could have ever imagined; the politicians are outraged and wanting answers.

Many have spoken to me and despite my own numbness and trying to comprehend fully what has just occurred in my life, I have been able to help them make sense of what they are going through. I have this tendency to be able to distance myself from this and take a highly clinical viewpoint, it was one of the things my therapist thought was amazing but we both agreed that it may actually be a type of dissociation, a mental blocking of some sort to protect me. For me, it's not the details I listen for, it's the catching of their voices, the shaking in their tones and the description of how these stories make them feel inside - things they don't understand.

I've had them describe the feelings of critical incident stress without them even knowing that's what it was, there is some huge denial and Ego floating around out there in those streets and it's a dangerous combination these days.

Even though I'm doubting my husband was undiagnosed PTSD, he could have been depressed, (I know for sure he was suffering high job stress at the time and it was only building) if talking of his sudden death helps others to get the help they so desperately need and brings more attention to the effects of stress on paramedics, then so be it. This will be that silver lining everyone looks for - not so much happy and glittering for me for the rest of my life but that is the nature of suicide.

My head is stuck in "reason mode" right now. My emotions aren't even a major part of this picture yet, that will come with time. Like I've said, I'm fully expecting some dam to break at some point in the future and my coping to degrade. I'm going to need people then. I hope they're still there for me.

 

[Nicolette]

Words fail me but my thoughts are with you @Medic72 :hug:

 

[Neverthesame]

I am so sorry for your loss. Such a tragedy.

I am keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[stillstanding2]

I've had them describe the feelings of critical incident stress without them even knowing that's what it was,

That's not your job now. Perhaps a surrogate (your therapist?) might help the first responders. And someone might effectively stay between you and the press. In Texas, we have a Critical Incident Stress Network of counselors and volunteers to serve both of those purposes. I handled the press on major disasters, and joined in peer debriefings.

But that's not your job now. Take care of yourself and your teddy bears. We are grieving with you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think of you every day and cannot believe that your thread did not show up in my Alerts. I cannot imagine how you are managing and coping and feeling right now.You are so strong inside even though you may not feel this way right now, but I sure get the surreal part. I am so sorry this happened. Hugs.

 

[void]

One would think that they would simply because of the profession right? But no, their trauma education is...

Dear @Medic72,

you wrote..... "I have this tendency to be able to distance myself from this and take a highly clinical viewpoint, it was one of the things my therapist thought was amazing but we both agreed that it may actually be a type of dissociation, a mental blocking of some sort to protect me."

I am PRECISELY like this also. It has taken many years, much pain and therapy for me to understand it as much as I do. What is true for me may not be true for you and this issue/ability is complex(disclaimers). For me it has affected most relationships and many other aspects of my life.

It can originate from being made into an emotional caregiver for someone in your life(often during one's childhood). The child can become the 'voice of reason' for an emotional immature and/or unstable adult. The child becomes confidant, counselor, adviser, emotional support system for the adult who USES the child as a replacement for an emotionally supportive spouse or to make up for their own immaturity and/or lack of stability. The child then develops these adult-like behaviors that are spouse-like, confidant-like in nature. These traits combine with dissociation and many emotional distortions are forcibly suppressed within the psyche to sustain this un-natural role.

The result is a VERY impressive set of abilities(as you no doubt have)....BUT this results in YOUR NEEDS being made low priority as your energy is consumed in meeting the needs of others!!!!

Respectfully, these people need to rely on someone who is WELL!!....not YOU who are suffering so deeply!

Please know that I say these things with tenderness and compassion in my heart.:hug:

I have this behavior you describe....I place my self last and place their needs first...can you afford to do this given the depths of your own suffering?:hug:

 

[stillstanding2]

My head is stuck in "reason mode" right now. My emotions aren't even a major part of this picture yet, that will come with time. Like I've said, I'm fully expecting some dam to break at some point in the future and my coping to degrade. I'm going to need people then. I hope they're still there for me.

"My Firehorse Thinking": Harnessed, willing to gallop to a rescue, while it's my own barn that may be ablaze.

 

[NarcSis]

@void I think the funny thing is that I'm consumed by emptiness & loneliness despite people being here and the only thing making me feel useful right now is my ability to listen to former coworkers struggles. For the most part I am doing crisis referrals & making sure they know where to go for real help.

Partly, I'm afraid to over burden myself & complicate my grieving by shoving it to the side. I am grieving in my own way, I think.

Apart from the waves of sadness, sudden tearful realizations, I'm rationalizing this and sadly defending his decision for suicide. I understand how quickly it can envelop you.

Today I struggled with the concept of being a "widow" and I cried because I feel too young for that title.

Uggh. So much to absorb & deal with.

@stillstanding2 it's that helper instinct that never leaves us. On that tragic scene as a grief stricken family member, I screamed a lecture about protocol to the medics on scene. I feel like an ass now & I hope I didn't hurt them but it was definitely pure instinct that was driving me.

 

[stillstanding2]

it's that helper instinct that never leaves us

Got it. And its hard to know when or how to pull yourself out of the line. Please don't wait until that "dam" of emotion collapses all at once. We're here, and will be.:hug::hug: