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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
- Status
Medic72, I think you're also acting out of shock. Trying to continue on as if it never happened/ is not real.
I only say that as I was very similar at first. It's just so hard to absorb the reality.
You are probably trying to hold some of your familiar old world together. I'm amazed though that your work colleagues don't realise that!
Or maybe they do but don't know what to say/do.
I hope someone around you can just reach out to you!
I only say that as I was very similar at first. It's just so hard to absorb the reality.
You are probably trying to hold some of your familiar old world together. I'm amazed though that your work colleagues don't realise that!
Or maybe they do but don't know what to say/do.
I hope someone around you can just reach out to you!
- Post starter
- #99
When I get those sudden waves of realization of his absence and I start to cry, my sister or whoever happens to be here at the time, will run to my side and smother me in a hug or reach out and take my hand to start caressing it - I'm not used to that because I've cried alone for so long. Hubby was never smothering, he was safe & comforting.
These relatives and friends who are suddenly here for me have to realize that hugging and comforting are things I'm not used to from "strangers" I view it as "shushing"....especially when it's accompanied by shushing! I automatically shut down and I cease the tears because I'm uncomfortable.
I just want to cry in peace without someone running down the hall assuming I'm not okay because I'm crying. My husband killed himself. I am alone without an income. I miss the absolute crap out of him. I don't want to hear things like, "Well, maybe now we can do this or do that" as if he was some kind of barrier to their happiness!
He was my world. We preferred each other's company. We were very private. Within the walls of this home was a love and a life no one ever got to see or share in.
There are so many people grieving saying they're going to miss him - where were these people before? All of my family, my nieces, my nephews? They saw us/him once every so often at family reunions but they're walking around devastated. For them I think it's the suicide factor that has them reeling.
My sister defends her grief out of the blue saying that she spent the most time with us, so she knew him better. This is true but she comes out with statements assuming she knew him the way I did - she didn't.
No one knew the man I knew. The man I spent countless hours alone with away from their prying eyes. The lover. The sentimental. The sad. The confused. The angry - wait, a lot of them saw that side because he was always on guard and protective of me, he never liked how my family dismissed my opinions and treated me like I couldn't know things. But they didn't know him to the depth I knew him, right?
I can't shush that loss.
Life was the two of us vs. the world, yet all of my family seem to be competing to establish who knew him better and who is hit the hardest by this...that would be me!
Going on tv to speak about PTSD!? When I haven't heard peep from them in months and years!!?? Making wild assumptions about my husband suffering PTSD!!??? And my husband must be barring his teeth at this one - never once mentioning me, making it smoothly about them or him and as usual, devaluing me by not even using my name!!!
That hurts me. It makes me want to withdraw. It makes me so angry and the only person I had to discuss these issues with IS GONE! The only one I could truly bare my soul to IS GONE!!!!
He's gone. He didn't kiss me good bye. He didn't leave a note. He shut me out of his thoughts! After all we've lived through together he betrayed my trust, my love for him and he shut me out of his thoughts. How am I supposed to feel about that?
They just assume they knew him so well, like this was how he always was, using those words even, "he always did this" or "he always was X way anyway.." Ummmm??? Noooo!! He was more than that little snapshot that you got!
I can't even quantify how hard it's going to be adjusting to the pure silence of this house now. No more silly dances. No more sudden bursts of laughter as he watched his YouTube videos. No more pouty face. No more talking life, the universe and everything - no more obscure references that only we got.
My husband had a beautiful mind, his organizational skills consisted of things scattered EVERYWHERE but it made sense to him, so I gave up forcing the tidiness issue. He could imagine & grasp concepts that were beyond me - he loved classical history, he loved scientific thought and theorizing, he loved devouring scores of material on war and could give you lessons in the ancient battle techniques of the Romans just as easily as describe campaigns through any of the more contemporary wars. I loved his mind so because it complimented mine.
That was my geek, my man who was a little boy obsessed with knowing weaponry. Having never been in the military he could describe any weapon from any war and could take apart any gun in his head.
He took his gun license just three or four years ago at the behest of a colleague who was a competitive shooter. He bought a high powered pellet gun - I insisted on pellet or BB only. He wore me down. He bought a shotgun just two years ago. It had never been fired until that day. ☹
I found his cleaning kit open in the basement, so he cleaned it before he used it. Knowing him, it would be to make sure there was no chance of a mistake.
He chose not to share with me that day. We promised each other forever and ever and even after we're gone. I loved a man no one else knew and I just can't break down right now. I wish I could just let go of some of the pressure inside of me. I'm so sad. I don't want to smile anymore....but I do and I laugh and I explain to others that I don't blame him, I don't judge him and mostly I'm sad that he chose to leave me.
Are any of those words true?
These relatives and friends who are suddenly here for me have to realize that hugging and comforting are things I'm not used to from "strangers" I view it as "shushing"....especially when it's accompanied by shushing! I automatically shut down and I cease the tears because I'm uncomfortable.
I just want to cry in peace without someone running down the hall assuming I'm not okay because I'm crying. My husband killed himself. I am alone without an income. I miss the absolute crap out of him. I don't want to hear things like, "Well, maybe now we can do this or do that" as if he was some kind of barrier to their happiness!
He was my world. We preferred each other's company. We were very private. Within the walls of this home was a love and a life no one ever got to see or share in.
There are so many people grieving saying they're going to miss him - where were these people before? All of my family, my nieces, my nephews? They saw us/him once every so often at family reunions but they're walking around devastated. For them I think it's the suicide factor that has them reeling.
My sister defends her grief out of the blue saying that she spent the most time with us, so she knew him better. This is true but she comes out with statements assuming she knew him the way I did - she didn't.
No one knew the man I knew. The man I spent countless hours alone with away from their prying eyes. The lover. The sentimental. The sad. The confused. The angry - wait, a lot of them saw that side because he was always on guard and protective of me, he never liked how my family dismissed my opinions and treated me like I couldn't know things. But they didn't know him to the depth I knew him, right?
I can't shush that loss.
Life was the two of us vs. the world, yet all of my family seem to be competing to establish who knew him better and who is hit the hardest by this...that would be me!
Going on tv to speak about PTSD!? When I haven't heard peep from them in months and years!!?? Making wild assumptions about my husband suffering PTSD!!??? And my husband must be barring his teeth at this one - never once mentioning me, making it smoothly about them or him and as usual, devaluing me by not even using my name!!!
That hurts me. It makes me want to withdraw. It makes me so angry and the only person I had to discuss these issues with IS GONE! The only one I could truly bare my soul to IS GONE!!!!
He's gone. He didn't kiss me good bye. He didn't leave a note. He shut me out of his thoughts! After all we've lived through together he betrayed my trust, my love for him and he shut me out of his thoughts. How am I supposed to feel about that?
They just assume they knew him so well, like this was how he always was, using those words even, "he always did this" or "he always was X way anyway.." Ummmm??? Noooo!! He was more than that little snapshot that you got!
I can't even quantify how hard it's going to be adjusting to the pure silence of this house now. No more silly dances. No more sudden bursts of laughter as he watched his YouTube videos. No more pouty face. No more talking life, the universe and everything - no more obscure references that only we got.
My husband had a beautiful mind, his organizational skills consisted of things scattered EVERYWHERE but it made sense to him, so I gave up forcing the tidiness issue. He could imagine & grasp concepts that were beyond me - he loved classical history, he loved scientific thought and theorizing, he loved devouring scores of material on war and could give you lessons in the ancient battle techniques of the Romans just as easily as describe campaigns through any of the more contemporary wars. I loved his mind so because it complimented mine.
That was my geek, my man who was a little boy obsessed with knowing weaponry. Having never been in the military he could describe any weapon from any war and could take apart any gun in his head.
He took his gun license just three or four years ago at the behest of a colleague who was a competitive shooter. He bought a high powered pellet gun - I insisted on pellet or BB only. He wore me down. He bought a shotgun just two years ago. It had never been fired until that day. ☹
I found his cleaning kit open in the basement, so he cleaned it before he used it. Knowing him, it would be to make sure there was no chance of a mistake.
He chose not to share with me that day. We promised each other forever and ever and even after we're gone. I loved a man no one else knew and I just can't break down right now. I wish I could just let go of some of the pressure inside of me. I'm so sad. I don't want to smile anymore....but I do and I laugh and I explain to others that I don't blame him, I don't judge him and mostly I'm sad that he chose to leave me.
Are any of those words true?
Suicide is so damned shortsighted @Medic72. The pain of living in those moments can be so great that one can't possibly think past themselves. It sounds like he loved you so very much and it is obvious you loved him. I can't imagine what you are going through but I am sure that the intention was not there to betray you. We all have our moments of weakness.
scout86
VIP Member
He sounds like a wonderful person and like yours was a wonderful relationship. That's a lot to miss! And it's a lot to grieve. I suppose people shush people at times like this, because they don't know what else to do? I'm not sure, I just know it happens. A friend of mine, when her mother was dying of cancer, says she found that the shower was a good place to cry, because no one noticed. And, sometimes, it just seems like crying is the only thing to do.
It sounds like he knew your family pretty well. I hope you can remember his ideas when you're dealing with them.
It sounds like he knew your family pretty well. I hope you can remember his ideas when you're dealing with them.
If I had to bet, I'd bet that sometimes they're true and sometimes they aren't. And that lots of other things are true as well. What ever else is true, it's obvious that you love him and I'm sure he loved you too. The rest is, maybe, hard to explain, but, from what you've said, I can't imagine anything else. Really sorry for your lose @Medic72 !
stillstanding2
Gold Member
ALL of what you have said is amazingly true and candid. Even what might seem contradiction. We are honored that you feel free to express yourself to us exactly this way. I think you are talking as the unique person you and your husband created together in your remarkable marriage. Part of him, through you, may be supplying some of these words. You have that bond with him, finishing each others sentences. You can keep that forever.
No one will shush--or rush--you here.
Take care, dear. And hug those teddy bears.
Friday
Sponsor
42.
Discard if not useful :
- Write a little sign / notecard when doing wellish... Show them ahead of time if that would help/ or just pull it outta your back pocket when hit... <Front> I NEED TO CRY MYSELF OUT (flip over) <back> I'm going down the hall to cry my eyes out. Do not interrupt with words or hugs or just checking on. Keep this card on you and reread as necessary, or hand to others as needed. I'll take it back when done. Attack with cake, hugs, wuv, etc. when I come back out if you like, but not before. This may be awhile. Listen to music or watch a video (mow the lawn, make espresso, anything loud). I know you mean well. Love you for it. This needs doing sometimes, too. Thanks. XOXO
^^^^
A trick from someone who means to say this, and instead snarls bite me! Or just goes silent.
D
Deleted member 12723
Your experience is real and true and there are no false feelings nor words when this tragedy has hit you like a ton of bricks. Keep on going the way you need to go.
Go ahead and do anything you need to do while you properly grieve ok?
In my situation people were there for a short time, and then a silent taboo about not talking of death or how I felt was acceptable. People around me were not comfortable that I was grieving and wanted me to snap out of it and just move on with my life.
For me the first year was the hardest and I have heard that it takes three years to properly grieve however your situation is vastly different from my loss of my husband.
I liked what @FridayJones said and I think you are very strong inside enough to be a rock to yourself as you are able. Your husband and you were soulmates and I am so very sorry this has happened.
I say do whatever you need to do to get through each day @Medic72 Your priority is taking the best care of you that you can and It is so hard to go from an us to an I. For me that was the hardest part.
Go ahead and do anything you need to do while you properly grieve ok?
In my situation people were there for a short time, and then a silent taboo about not talking of death or how I felt was acceptable. People around me were not comfortable that I was grieving and wanted me to snap out of it and just move on with my life.
For me the first year was the hardest and I have heard that it takes three years to properly grieve however your situation is vastly different from my loss of my husband.
I liked what @FridayJones said and I think you are very strong inside enough to be a rock to yourself as you are able. Your husband and you were soulmates and I am so very sorry this has happened.
I say do whatever you need to do to get through each day @Medic72 Your priority is taking the best care of you that you can and It is so hard to go from an us to an I. For me that was the hardest part.
stillstanding2
Gold Member
What a bullshit concept! People who say that should snap out of their stupidity and just move on--quickly!
The clarity and quality of your expression of your complex internal state is outstanding.:happy: My respect for the amount and quality of the internal psychological work that you have obviously done, grows and grows. :happy: You are very mature and self-aware.:happy: These factors will help you through this nightmare...though I suspect it won't feel like it in the near future.
Your words are such a wonderful tribute to your husband and the relationship you had with him. You are helping us to understand the preciousness of what you have lost. Truly none of us and none of your friends/family/colleagues have the slightest clue how good of a partnership you two had and the magnitude of the loss of it all.:(
I assume that you are familiar with the denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance stages as taught by Kubler-Ross. It can help to know that these stages are not in any rigid sequential order. Ppl go in and out of these stages many times as they heal.
May @Medic72 find her way to peace and healing.:hug:
We are here for you.:hug:
joeylittle
Sponsor
I encourage you to write this bit that I quoted, above, on a piece of paper, and put it where they will all see it. If there's no central place, write it on a bunch of note-cards and just hand them out. The reason for writing it: it will be clearer and simpler for them to process what you are saying. Also, you don't have to get into a discussion. You 100% have the right to weep your heart out - you are not OK, and you need to cry when you need, scream when you need, and above all else: no-one should be trying to 'fix' or 'ease' your grief.
You are right, I think. Suicide is as strange as unexpected accidental death times ten. People don't cope well. Honestly, their responses are probably completely genuine. But they are more likely grieving the sudden erasure of a person they knew, and fearing their own possible sudden erasure. They aren't feeling the excruciating, detailed loss that you are. They are sad for things they never did. You are sad for all the things yet to do. Big difference, though both sadnesses are real. Yours is much deeper.
No, they don't. I just want to validate this.
You can feel as angry, frustrated, abandoned, confused, sad as you feel. One thing I think I can tell you, though - having been very close before - I can't read minds, but I doubt he wasn't thinking of you. He was probably thinking about you a great deal. And the total tragedy of it is that he could do that and also think he needed to not tell you.
Yes. It's all true. But what @Junebug said, here:
Is also true. I don't know if he actually chose to not share with you, and I don't think he would have been aware of his choice to leave you. The fact is, he wasn't able to think, and his illness got hold of him. I know that's no comfort. If I can, please, let me relieve you of the burden of being OK for others. You have lost your person. I am so, so sorry for that. There is nothing anyone can say that will shrink that pain. And the only person who knows that pain is you. I'm sorry you are alone in that. I think the best anyone can offer, really, is to re-affirm what you already know - that you lost your person, and there is right now an enormous amount of pain and confusion and anger and sadness and all sorts of things that hurt.
I am so, so sorry for everything you are going through.
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