A day alone today. I got some housework done and things seemed almost like the old routine here. I tried doing some paperwork that needs to get done - more estate stuff - then I went to get the mail and was surprised by TWO electric bills issued to my husband's estate! Arrrgh. It was all downhill from there.
I've just placed all paperwork to the side and I'm walking away from it for now. I have to learn to practice patience again because I'm in short supply lately.
We went to the municipal offices yesterday to change the property deed and I burst into tears as we walked out the door - I'm officially erasing him from things. I think I cried for a good 15 minutes outside before I was able to drive again. My sister offered to drive but I don't like the way she drives, too nervous and then aggressive when she shouldn't be. I can't afford an accident with her driving and not covered under my current policy.
Sigh. I need to breathe. I need to stop doing and just BE for a little while. There is still so much to do, all of these loose ends he left, it all is just mind boggling. I'm still getting condolences in email and through fb - I found hundreds that were hidden from me in FB today, people from all over who didn't even know him, all across Canada, the US and even from Australia. They're just paramedics who've heard in one way or another through social media of his passing and wanted to reach out to me to express condolences on the loss of a "brother". So overwhelming. He hated being the spotlight of anything, but he went and got himself a spotlight in death.
Last night I spent about an hour unsubscribing his email address from about a zillion sites. So exhausting and tedious. There are some of these companies that have his credit card information, so I want to make sure those accounts are closed too, things you just don't think of - Amazon, PayPal, Apple, and just about any site he would have made purchases through and had to make payment accounts with. Insane how huge our digital footprints are.
Today I go see my Dr. to speak about how I'm coping. Honestly, I don't think I've had a chance too. Just doing and doing and doing, it's getting to me.
My sister said to me the other day, "I'm not like you, I can't turn to strangers with my problems, I need to talk to people I know." She doesn't get that friends can help but they can't address all of our needs or guide us in how we're processing the event, in fact, some of them may give some pretty rotten advice or further complicate her grieving by supporting negative beliefs. Uggh. Anyway, not my issue. She bought a book on sudden loss yesterday, she says she's good. Her doc has signed her off for another two weeks. Hopefully we can start getting her out and making her happy, the thing is the more she gets out and does her "independent" stuff, the harder her mood grates on me. I just want to be left alone in my grief for a little while.
Okay, weird thing here. I knew he cut his hair two days before he died. He neglected to place the clippings in the garbage, they're still in the dust pan in our bathroom. Now is it completely weird that I want to collect those into a baggie and keep them??? That kinda disturbs me...is it a sick thing to do? I know it won't bring him back but right now I just don't want to "throw him away" as well as erase him, you know?
Ugggh. This is just so hard.
