My husband died today

[hodge]

I think all your conflicting feelings are very understandable. God, one of the things I dread if my husband passed away is dealing with lots of people. They're mostly nice, but, jeez, there are tons of people who know him. But the worst part would be not having him here.

I think you're doing well writing out your feelings and experiences, Medic. That really helps.

Take care.

 

[NarcSis]

An old friend came over last night with pizzas. It was nice to catch up with him and then my sister started in with the story of that day...and I joined in and it poured out with rarely a breath taken.

One thing I noted later was that in my memory the exact sequence of events on that scene is messed up. I keep remembering bits and scattered pieces that I have to try to fit into the sequence.

I also kept gesturing over my shoulder toward the couch every time I'd say, "he"; gesturing to the place on the couch where my husband always sat. Once I even glanced over fully expecting him to be there. :(

The recollection of that day is trauma in how it spills out so breathlessly and automatic but not criterion A in how it affects me. Of this I am completely sure.

My friend stayed until late into the wee hours, he made sure I was smiling again before he left. That was good of him and I wished we could have just sat up all night talking. Oddly it was nice to have a "stimulating" conversation with someone again.

....and this too shall pass?

 

[Tinyflame]

....and this too shall pass?

Many of the horrible parts will become less wicked, and the love will never pass. Don't worry about trying to make it pass too quickly @Medic72 . Simply because there are extra things to deal with with a suicide.

I'm glad for you & your friend's words/ presence. Even with your own ptsd, that's important (without all of this). :(

I have found, once the ptsd was there it didn't matter how many Crit A- qualifying events followed. It's like the circuit is already burned out.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[scout86]

What will pass? Enjoying stimulating conversation? I hope that doesn't pass! You're going to have to find it in different places, but you can find it. One of the things my T said, after my friend's suicide was, "what now?" He said that he wanted me to consider the possibility of the future. That, while J was gone and couldn't be "replaced", there could be other good people in my life.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so glad that you were able to smile.

 

[seedling]

So great to have someone put out their energy on your behalf. A real friend and a caring one.

 

[NarcSis]

More than likely it's the secondary wounding from the treatment I received with the PTSD, but I find it hard to trust in friendship right now. I keep expecting these people to suddenly pull the rug out from under me again and I'll be left completely alone again. I'm afraid.

I'm also afraid of their motivations. I had one person asking too many questions about my house and the taxes in the neighborhood!!! Like seriously, could you make it more obvious what your motivation was to come and "visit me to see how you're doing"??? Everyone just assumes I'm going to be up and moving. Hell, one person suggested a "closed door" sale to one of their friends that doesn't involve real estate agents or lawyers!!! Ummm???

Things I'm so not ready to digest. I love this house. This was OUR house, just because he died doesn't mean every memory or trace of him died too. His clothes are still hanging on the end of the bed, it makes me comfortable knowing they're there waiting for him. His laundry is still in the basket. His toothbrushes and razor and toiletries are still in the shower next to mine. I'm not ready to let go of him. I'm not ready to move on yet. He was my only friend, my best friend, my only lover, my first true love for the last 20 years.

My friend who stayed until late last night, he and I had an odd relationship when we were young - before I met my husband - everyone always assumed we were an item, but we weren't like that. We were close, but platonic. We were almost like two people dating without any touching or open affection. Mostly what we shared was this close emotional connection. He's more like a brother to me now, a brother I'm not sure if I can totally trust with my emotions right now, given how close we once were. I don't want to suddenly attach to someone else like some kind of emotional leech just because my heart is hurting and needs comfort. Plus I still harbor a fear of living alone, right?

I can't make a mistake with my heart right now, so I'm being wary and allowing myself to be afraid of people and how close they want to get to me.

I'm also afraid I'm going to be reduced to a child again in the eyes of my family - they already treat me as though I can't be trusted to look after myself. I keep saying how they don't know me anymore, they didn't know my husband and I or our relationship because they were never here. They never visited. My sister did but even though she spent a fair amount of time with us, she didn't really know us like I knew us, right?

I knew him. They didn't know him to the extent that I did. They didn't really see how good he made me. How strong he made me. How capable I was because of him. When I fell he always caught me. I never heard him say ever that he thought of dying. Maybe somewhere deep in his soul he was troubled, but it was a piece I never knew. I never saw this coming. All I know is that something triggered him badly on Saturday and by Sunday morning the only logical way out of his predicament was to die.

I will regret that for the rest of my days. I never thought him capable of it. Never. I knew him. I did. I never saw this. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm confused. I'm not being allowed to be alone with my self to mourn. I just want to cry and scream and not have someone hover over me trying to comfort me - I don't want comfort, I don't want to be shushed. I just want to scream. I just want to bawl. I just want to fill the universe with echoes of my sorrow.

I just want what I can never have again - my husband back with his hugs and snugs and love and smiles.

 

[seedling]

Maybe he never thought himself capable of it either.
Hence, thinking that he had plenty of time to take his mom's name off stuff. He was going to be around.
Hence, he didn't need to bother you with it and scare you, it wasn't ever really going to happen.

 

[Tinyflame]

Very much think @seedling is on the right track. If you found his statement from 3 years ago, he was doing everything in his power to stay here. (JMHO)

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Just walking around all day with a lump in the pit of my stomach. It's a sad lump and I can't release it. I cried a little bit today but not much. I need to just let go and howl but I can't bring myself to do it with my sister here, I don't want her to be afraid or to worry that I'm going to kill myself too.

I can say it a million times that I do not want to die but no one believes me. I hate having her here but I'm afraid for her damned safety. Talk about two people who should not be supporting one another through this. She got suicidal after my mom died, she keeps saying these triggering things that get me worried that she might prefer death to this life too, just like he did or i'm assuming he did deep inside. Depressive. She is refusing to talk to a therapist or a crisis worker, "I'm not like you, I can't talk to strangers about this stuff." So you turn to me to help "cure" you!?

I say every morning, "I can't help you with the things you're feeling or thinking, that is what a professional is for. You need to call someone if you need to talk this out because I am not equipped right now to hear the things you want to say. You're using thinking errors, jumping to conclusions, mind reading and trying to answer questions you can't answer. You need to accept the fact that he died, it's not your fault, it's not my fault, it's not even his fault. It just is." She can't wrap her head around it, she gets sullen and hurt and angry...just like he used to get...and I get triggered, frustrated and internally angry with her.

I want to scream at her when she starts to cry because she makes me feel helpless. I can't go to her. I've got nothing to give. I get angry because he was MY husband, not hers. She didn't really know him but she thinks she did know him better than I did. Ugggh. Grief is so self centered, it just burns my butt.

My heart hurts. I want to reach out to others who've lost their spouse to suicide because I think this is a complicated loss, it's not going to be straightforward for me - but then there are times I feel like I'm going to get through this okay.......So confusing!!!

 

[scout86]

Are there any support groups in your area for survivors of suicide? Or anything similar?

It sounds like maybe your sister should go home. You shouldn't have to be dealing with her stuff in addition to your own.

 

[NarcSis]

She won't go home. I've suggested it several times already. In fact, she's trying to get more time off!

I have people who've offered me company when I need it. I've had people who've offered me phone calls if I need to talk. My doc has offered me her office of I feel lonely. I've got mobile crisis available or crisis lines and a therapist.

Every time I suggest my sister go home she gets this horrified look on her face and stares at me; she gets quiet and withdrawn - which tells me that she's not here for me, she's really here for her own issues. The look in her eye is fear, so I'm assuming she's afraid to leave me alone and she may actually be afraid to be alone.

I've told her if she stays then she needs to access her EAP to find a therapist, she's gotta deal with this because I can't help her, I need to help me now.

As it sits I'm getting out of bed when I don't want too because I feel I have to for her. I mope around here on "relax" days and feel unbearably lonely - with her here! She wants to go-go-go and do things but I'd rather just lie on the couch. My body feels like it's got lead in it but I have to force myself to ignore it for her sake.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm ignoring my "guest" if I just want to come to bed and cry or lay here hugging his blanket and feeling sad.

I don't want to get too used to someone being here and I don't want her to get used to having me around. I don't need a babysitter and I need to feel that it's actually okay for me to mourn.