My husband died today

[scout86]

Once again, I don't know how things work in Canada and I suppose insurance companies vary. When my mother died last year, her life insurance paid off amazingly fast. You need prove of the death. She had beneficiaries listed. We got paid. Not complicated at all.

No need to worry about packing and moving right now. Again, don't know about Canada. Here, it actually takes quite awhile for them to throw you out of your house once you quit making payments. Usually, if you are honest with them and express a desire to work with them, that's their first choice. THEY would really rather you stay in your house too. It's better for them if you can work things out. So, no need to panic until you're SURE things aren't going to work out. Do you have equity in your house? If you do, an equity line of credit might be an option, as a last resort, to bridge things through this transition.

I can see where the financial part of this is a nightmare, mostly because you don't have anyone calm, stable, and knowledgeable to bounce things off from. Funny how, when you're in a marriage, you get used to sharing decisions and you really miss having someone to consult with! Is there anyone local you trust who's got experience with this sort of thing? Lawyer, banker, tax person? Someone who's not family and doesn't do "drama"? Even the funeral director might be able to steer you towards some resources, now that I think about it. Most of what you're going through is "normal" and many people go through it. It's harder, I think, when the grief you're dealing with is a big as your loss is. And, of course, PTSD doesn't make it easier because we DO tend to go right to that "life and death, end of the world" kind of thinking.

I don't think you're going to lose everything. I think the problems you're facing are solvable, even if they seem overwhelming right now.

(And the hair clippings? Not weird at all! I'd look at it as a gift, absolutely for sure!) :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Medic stop and take a break and breathe and hang onto one of your husbands shirts for a cuddle. I gave everything away when my husband died and it took me a long time to sell my place so do not make any rash decisions now like I did in my panic.

I understand just how stressed out you are and I hope you can put a limit on your sister and get the negative vibes out of your home. You said you have money for seventy mortgage payments? No need to panic.

Do you have a spiral notebook? I used one of those and made lists of all the things I needed and wanted to do and slowly but surely I did get all of the estate stuff dealt with. Remember to breathe and try to do some coping things to just take care of you for now.

You are going to be ok. It will be hard and you are in mourning , but do not make any rash decisions now.

 

[stillstanding2]

Most of what you're going through is "normal" and many people go through it. It's harder, I think, when the grief you're dealing with is a big as your loss is. And, of course, PTSD doesn't make it easier because we DO tend to go right to that "life and death, end of the world" kind of thinking.

@Medic72, I think @scout86 is right here. In the midst of your overwhelming grief it is hard to see, but as time passes, some causes for panic will diminish. I know that looks impossible right now, but give yourself appropriate credit for endurance. You are not a weak person. You have just suffered a crushing loss, and you are a survivor in every sense. One thing at a time, or simply try to relax and do nothing through the panic attacks.

 

[NarcSis]

Thank you everyone, you were my voice of reason. Yesterday everything got shelved. There was no business even mentioned.

Some of my sisters coworkers dropped by to see her..."us". I left for a bit to go check the mail, only a minute or two; she tells me later that she was almost crying telling them the story while I was gone...but demonstrated no emotion the whole time I sat with them. I should've just left the room and came up to nap. Uggh. How was I to know she would've preferred to have visited with them alone!?

It was a distraction for me, it redirected me away from panic, also one of the girls said her dads workplace paid out his insurance in about 6 weeks, so hearing that helped me immensely.

I considered this issue seriously last night. I have 7 months of mortgage covered. I am going to be okay for the mortgage. I will not lose my house.

I am still worried about debts outstanding, utilities etc but that is a worry for another month. The hardest thing about that is that my sister is here, so I can't turn down the heat or use less electricity, so I have the same amount of usage as I did when my husband was alive...except she's here all the time.

I just get so panicked.

I found the receipt for his shotgun last night and I'm glad the investigators never saw it because my name is on the receipt so it looks like I bought the gun for him. The mystery of the shells was solved though, it seems he bought a single pack of 4 buck when he bought the gun, says so right on the receipt. So no mystery about where they came from now.

God, that still seems so unimaginable to me. He took a shotgun and he shot himself. What also baffles me is that the police know I have PTSD and they know I'm grieving a terrible loss and they did not remove the other gun from this house - ridiculous.

I considered it the other night for a brief second but realized I have no clue where the trigger lock is. Maybe I'll find it in my travels sometime in the future.

I miss him so much right now. I wish I could just touch him again. Ridiculous things like how icky his breath was in the morning, or how he sometimes moved like he was 100 years old.

I was told I was going to find things out about him as I go through his stuff, things I never knew, like pornography and the like, but oddly, my hubby wasn't really a big sex guy - I haven't found anything strange yet.

I miss him so much. I hate to feel happy, I almost feel guilty for feeling normal.

 

[The Albatross]

Medic, you can remove the guns from the home if you feel at moderate or high risk. At times I have had to do that myself.

 

[NarcSis]

@The Albatross the thing is, I don't feel moderately at risk at all, it's just when I spiral into that panic when death becomes an automatic escape route - he knew where all the guns/ammo/lock keys were stored, I didn't.

Right now the guns are safe. I can't open them to use them. They can't hurt me right now. I'll call the police to come get them and destroy them once all of this estate business has cleared up.

Thanks for the advice and caring, I really appreciate it.

 

[stillstanding2]

@The Albatross the thing is, I don't feel moderately at risk at all, it's just when I s...

@Medic72, you might consider selling the guns when you get around to them. Of course Canada's laws on gun sales are different from the U.S., but there is probably a legal way you could turn the guns into cash. Shouldn't hurry on that though. Give it time, then ask how to dispose of them properly. Just an idea.

 

[The Albatross]

Same here in our house... I don't have the key to the safe or know where it is, we have cable and trigger locks (more keys and I don't know where they are either), and they are not loaded and the ammo is stored separately elsewhere and even though I know where that is, I wouldn't have the first clue which was for what. The only time I have my 38 is when we go to the gun range or I go to the camp and then I lawful carry (3 steps) til I get there and I don't go unless I know I'm not at risk.

If anything happens to my mister, I'll be doing the same as you plan to.

 

[stillstanding2]

. I don't have the key to the safe or know where it is, we have cable and trigger locks (more keys and I don't know where they are eithe

You might just ask your husband where they are? Shit happens.

 

[NarcSis]

Rough evening. Feel like my soul is in pain. My body is exhausted. Keep crying. Feel so heavy. Everything hurts.

 

[stillstanding2]

Rough evening. Feel like my soul is in pain. My body is exhausted. Keep crying. Feel so heavy. Everything...

Sounds as if you need some sleep too.:( Why not join your Teddy bears?:hug:

 

[Heather]

@Medic72 I feel for you. I hate that you are going through this and are in such a vulnerable place. I wish I had the words to take away your pain but those don't exist.

Hang in there. I'm thinking about you and sending you hugs.

Peace to you my friend.

Heather