My Husband Has Combat PTSD - For 4 Years And We're Going In Circles

[Zeera]

Pushing points

I agree that your husband is pushing you to see how far he can push you. I will admit that I will often push the men in my life to see how far I can make them go. I dont realize that I am doing it when I am having a "bad" time but later I think back on it and realize what I did or said. Including saying things like pack and get out, and then taking it back ten minutes later.

However, I never placed personal ads or had issues with porn. I think there may be two seperate issues going on. Trust and possibly something else...

 

[anthony]

He has tried to take his life. He is supposed to be on meds, and he will take it for a while the right way (I have to administer it, he would not do it himself) and then he decides he hates to be on medication and wishes he didn't have to take it so he stops and I am so tired of fighting with him to take his medication...this time he hasn't taken it since the 17th of this month, but it may have been longer because there have been times when he would pretend to take it and then spit it out,...he has now gone on a downward spiral, is not working, totally irrational...he will be okay for a minute and go off the next...the medication had helped stabilize this, his mood swings were still there but not as bad.

Hi Amberly, welcome to the forum.

Firstly... something you need to get him to understand is this. If he doesn't want to help himself, then nobody else can do this for him.

Second... by stuffing about with his meds so much, it is likely this that is causing a lot of irrational issues, more so than he would, because the meds are no doubt an SSRI, which are designed to change his chemical composition within his body to equalize it, for a basic understanding. PTSD changes the brains chemical balance for ease, and an SSRI attempts to supply, restore and rebalance these chemicals so his brain can function a little better, thus his moods, etc are all affected.

When you take meds, withdraw, etc... he is f*cking with the composition constantly, thus his moods will be all over the place, more so than normal with PTSD.

Now... if he doesn't get it, if he doesn't want to accept this, then you need to simply step back and stop trying to help him... don't do things for him like help with meds and so forth, then hopefully he will actually get on with doing it himself. Basically, DO NOT enable his behaviour, otherwise he will do it because he can.

Veterans get frustrated mainly, because they are trained to have such high self esteem, they can do just about anything, to suddenly their brain develops PTSD and they feel much more useless and confused.

He must choose to help himself though, he really must, because nothing you do or say will fix him... only he can fix himself. He must want help to be helped.

 

[teknisa]

Greeneyes

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with this just as much as your husband is. I just want to point out that a marriage is teamwork and that each has to carry their own weight. You can't carry the weight for your husband but you can help ease some of the pain and stress that comes with him carrying his.

As a sufferer of c-ptsd it's very difficult to come to terms with the things that we have gone through and have to deal with as well as accepting ourselves as someone with a serious problem in our emotional being. Most of the time it's a love/hate relationship within our selves and being triggered can have some of the worst reactions come out of us.

From personal experience I'm extremely sensitive to pressure. This can be pressure from people, places and things and internal pressure from myself. For example my psychologist wanted to introduce a technique to help me get to sleep at night and I found that it only made my anxiety and insomnia worse. I'm very resistant to do something that someone else wants me to do, because that's what I had to go through most of my life. Doing things that other people wanted of me when I didn't want it or wasn't giving the opportunity to do it on my own. This in essence creates stress. The more people push the more I resist, the more I shut down.

In my personal opinion it's okay that your husband isn't on the meds right now. I wouldn't force the issue. If he feels they will help him, he will decide on his own, but give him that opportunity to make that decision. Doctors don't have all the answers to everything and people are individuals and everyone is unique in their own right as a human. Just because a professional 'says so' doesn't mean it's right.

I cannot stress more the importance of effective communication. There are going to be things that your husband might say or do that are completely irrational, I know, I've been there, I've said things to my husband that he hates to hear. Realize that this is only a reaction to a trigger.

I think you did a good thing by getting on this forum, I know I did. I'll pass along some of the best advice I ever got from a teacher in college.

'just because we think your work isn't good, dosn't mean we don't like you as a person'

In supporting someone who suffers from ptsd there are many things that need to be looked past. I'm not saying ignore his reactions or words because they need to be dealt with, but try to look past the ptsd to see the man inside. That is where you can help him the most. Love him for who he is. You can help by boosting his strengths and supporting his weaknesses. It's okay to be weak and need help. Every one does in their own way.

Fighting irrational behavior with irrational behavior isn't going to get you anywhere. Not only does it help to know the strengths in your husband but know the strengths within yourself. It is important to be humble and have humility for your husband. It sounds like he is having difficulty with the healing process. The meds aren't going to make his problems dissappear, they are only a band-aid to the root of the problem.

If one does not succeed, try try and try again. Just like when your learning to ride a bike.

It might be helpful for your husband to take up a hobby or a sport to ease the tension and keep his mind focus on something. I know for men a physical release of tension helps. Perhaps find something you can do together, something simple and easy so that there are minimal amounts of stress. My husband and I go for walks almost every night and we find that it's a great time to communicate with one another on a deeper level. On the weekends we like to go for day hikes in parks. We'll find a trail that's long enough for the day, pack a small lunch and head out to get some exercise and sun.

There are some wonderful books that you can get on team building activities that are simple that help build trust and communication. A search on amazon or google for 'team building activities' will get you off to a start.

Remember your role as a spouse. Your there to offer love and emotional support. You can't force your husband to do the things you want him to do, he is an individual and an adult who can think for himself, that control must be restored with in him. Force, pressure and stress will all be met with resistance. It might hurt to watch him be destructive, know your personal boundries of what you will accept and what you wont. If your life is in danger then it's time to take a time out. It's important to take care of yourself in order to be supportive of your husband. The key to a great marriage is effective communication, and that includes listening to what your husband has to say and what he wants to do and respecting that. He the same for you.

I hope this offers some insight
Much love
tek