Hi now when you read this -please- I want you to take into account that I am not a carer, but I am PTSD so I am coming from a different standpoint Melissa, please know that.
Melissa- Mellbell, hi!
I don't think at the moment that you will be able to say very much without it possibly being the right (almost unlikely but worth trying anyway) or the wrong thing, and that is no slur against you or your husband. It is unfortunatly the PTSD. I understand what it is you are going through -some, and I want to say my heart goes out to you, this must be hurting you soo much at the moment. And so early in your marriage too, I am so sorry.
But as has been said here before; you have found the right place for support for you and also your husband. There is much here that you will both be able to learn I believe, and I would like to share that it has helped me enormously to be able to come here and work through my trauma's and also learn to manage my PTSD. It isn't easy but it can be done.
I also want to say to you that I understand where -kind of- your husband is coming from also, more so in fact than I understand what it is like for you -as I turned everything in on myself too, and for quite a while I was probably hell bent on total self destruction. But that was in part due to the fact that I just didn't know what was happening to me at all, and that could be some of where your husband is at- at the moment ok. Because now you have hope -I don't want you to think that things can't change because they can please know that. It wont make it all stop but it will for sure ease some and perhaps more.
You can do so much for him already just by being there and listening to him, helping him to get somethings out that he maybe needs to, but I wouldn't force it or him, please don't try too hard to make him open up if he doesn't feel able to at the moment. In my opinion he needs to feel safe (and perhaps loved some also) but again please try not to go all out or anything, it may push him further away.
And this is where communication comes in real handy -as far as I'm concerned, because you will have to start to learn to read him better, and maybe better than perhaps he even knows himself. It will be hard but it is not impossible to do. Be as understanding as you can be, in my opinion it helps to know that the person I am trusting isn't against me but is standing with me and cares.
If you can I would try to get him to hold off on joining up again, because to my mind- right now- it might be part and parcel of the same feelings of low self worth and pain that he is possibly in right now. He must be feeling it very badly and he may also feel completely lost and overwhelmed too, this is PTSD and it gets to be all or nothing unmanaged, (and that is big time).
It is very conflicting I know and it will not be easy but if you can just get him to slow down some but maybe he will perhaps realise that he can hold off just another couple of days before doing anything drastic. And you will have to be patient but again you will have to be consistent too, and keep trying to reinforce-gently- his self worth. That you do love him , that he is a wonderful person to be around...and I am thinking that might be easier said than done at the moment, but when you are in a real deep dark pit- something good to find inside yourself is very hard to do alone. And I believe he needs to know right now that he is not alone, well I think he does anyway. I know I did so this is what I am basing eveything I am telling you now. Of course please you do not have to take anything I am saying as gospel -I know I may have some of this wrong, maybe even very wrong, but if any of this rings true for you then perhaps I can be of some help to you on this.
Next if you can get him to join this forum or seek some outside help, he can find it and if he doesn't -well hell- I want you to know I am doing all my therapy here, and I know I am not alone in having done this too. This forum is an amazing place for support and encouragemnt, there is so much here that can help him. He will be pushed also, but I don't think right now that is going to help him too much first off. Because again in my opinion he needs to find some hope again and without that I don't think all the pushing in the world is going to help him all that well. And if he doesnt feel at all safe then that wont help him either. Just reliveving the pressure will help , which is also again why he is maybe drinking so hard, it was a coping strategy for me for a while and it is a killer left unchecked. I am not saying he can't drink, but again it is the reason behind the drinking to that kind of excess that is worrying.
Now this is just my opinion ok, it is just that I have kind of been there also. And I was desolate, completely and totally alone, and so afraid, and to have just known that one person in this world cared about me would have helped me more. But he can't linger in that, he will have to start doing things for himself also. And gentle nudging I believe will be some of what is required.
Your husband will be able to learn to begin to unlock his emotions...it will take time and it will be extremely pain for- not just him -but I would think for you also, because I know it must hurt to watch someone you care so deeply for suffer so much.
My point is regardless of whether you take my opinions or advice here so far, and it is all conjecture, please get him to realise that he can cope and can learn to manage this. Hold him sway on joining up -I really would- because at the moment I don't think it is what he really want's to do. I really do believe he has some stuff he is desperately struggling with and going back now would, in my opinon again (sorry) perhaps not help him as much as he thinks it might. Especially if he is out of control, the way he is sounding to be out of character as you have described at the moment.
You can help and you can get treatment, and one way or another I would really like to encourage you to try.
Now at the end of the day these are your decisions and his also, but if you want to give it a try I really would and please please know you are not alone in this, and neither is he. You might feel like you are right now but you dont have to be is what I am saying.
Please I hope that something I have written here might help you in some way, but it is all only my opinion from my experience (and from reading some others here also) but it is only my opinion and I could be soo far off the mark. I may have got it all wrong entirely.
Just please dont give up hope is what I am lastly saying to you, it can work out, please believe me when I say this- it can work out for both of you. This here -it can work.
Take care of you and please let us know how things work out for you both- or not ...because at the end of the day you have to remember that you are important too and perhaps you may find that it is toomuch, but please dont think that yet, please dont be worrying on that right now. I just wanted to say to you that you have to remember yourself in all this too, and that you have needs and as difficult as it is, you still have to put yourself first some because if you fall, then he will have no one, so either way please try to put you first.
I really didn't set out to write so much and my laptop is playing me around a lot so this has taken an age to write, and I am sorry if it is too long, but I hope that something here has helped or can help you some -even if it just makes you think of it all in a different way and you work out your own solutions then that will have been good.
Take care and I hope it works out well for you, just know you are not alone and neither of you has to be. Be strong and remember what it is that is important to both of you.
~fin
(I hope this posts now-fingers crossed!!)
take care Melissa
