Hello all. I may expound more on each of these later, in more detail, but for now I thought it best if I just skimmed over the high spots.
I am a 46 yo male in the southeast USA. I have been told by a veteran CISM counselor that I have PTSD, after talking with him at length and numerous emails/texts (he is not local to me). He said that he and the nationally-renowned Dr he works with both agreed that is what I have, and said that they both are hesitant to use that label nearly as freely as a lot of folks do. My therapist (who I a have an appointment with in a couple hours, EMDR) also has said that I definitely have PTSD. I guess I said all that to say this -- I do not have a slip of paper saying I have PTSD (and don't know whether I want one or not as far as pre-existing conditions or employment stuff goes), but I have been told the above by the above people.
A synopsis of my life (in terms of negative experiences):
We (5 siblings and I) had an abusive father, physically and especially emotionally, who died back in 1996. One of my earliest childhood memories (I cannot remember a lot of stuff at all before 7 or 8 like some people) aside from the birth of a new brother when I was 5, was of being told by my father (when I was 5) that I had to leave and go find some place else to live (I don't know what I had done but I am sure I had misbehaved or something). He even made my mother pack me a little stuff and sent me walking down the main road that we lived off of. My mother came and got me a few blocks down the road, but this was the first time in my life that I remember feeling totally lost and wondering what I was going to do, utterly desperate. That pretty much continued until I moved out at 19. My father would talk about suicide when he was depressed/crying at times, also.
At 22, I decided that, instead of working for my father my whole life (he made me quit school when I turned 16 to work full time in his construction business), I wanted to do something else. I worked at a manufacturing plant for about 2 years before realizing I wanted to be a paramedic and starting school for it. I have now been in the Fire/EMS profession (at the same place) for 21 years, and it has had many of it's own traumas (but that I thought I was fine with until maybe 3-4 years ago). One thing I cling to is that I will be able to retire in 4 years.
At 28, we lost our father suddenly to a brain aneurysm.
At 35, my wife, 2 daughters, and I were held up at gunpoint while on vacation. I thought I was fine and did not need to talk to anyone about it, just had a lot of rage problems for the first couple of weeks (centered toward the guy who held us up), but it was very traumatic to our youngest daughter (10 at the time) and we took her several times to a child psychologist (and she is doing great).
A couple years later, there was physical, emotional, and sexual abuse of our oldest daughter (that we suspected but believed what she told us when we would ask) by a boyfriend when she was like 14.
At 41, we lost our 3rd-born brother to suicide (I'm the oldest, firstborn).
At 43, we lost our 5th-born brother to suicide.
I started really exercising to try and lose weight within a few months of losing our second brother. This led to pretty much blowing my feet, and the chronic pain persists to this day. although it does seem to be SLOWLY improving.
This past August, my crew and I responded to a suicide with a self-inflicted GSW, and were ordered to go in before allowing police to clear the scene. The method and everything about the scene reminded me of my 1st brother's suicide and I pretty much got overwhelmed, still doing the bare essentials of my job and with the presence of mind to tell the other/junior medic that he was going to have to lead, but definitely overwhelmed. That is what led me to talking to a couple of CISM counselors, being referred to a really senior CISM counselor, and now finding a therapist who uses EMDR.
We are still working through childhood and teenage stuff in my EMDR/therapy right now. I find myself doubting how well it is working at times, and feeling like I sometimes don't know how to really answer my therapist or assess myself on different things, but it has been an overall help I believe, and she is great (therapist), very reassuring. I have pretty much been an "easy crier" all of my life (along with most of my siblings) so there is a lot of that sometimes in therapy. I am also having to use tapping on the backs of my hands instead of the eye movements, as the first time we used the eye movements really fast, I developed a really bad headache behind my eyes (that I can easily get again to this day). I also have tinnitus really bad since having the worst headache of my life back in May of this year.
I also have no relationship with my mother since she has chosen to mistreat my wife in a way that I never would have guessed (especially after specifically TELLING her I needed her to not be that way when she asked how I was doing). Our mother blamed the first brother's wife for his suicide, then blamed the second brother's wife for his suicide, then when she found out I was starting to have a really hard time, she started blaming MY wife (and I'd told my mother that I was not going to do anything like that, especially after seeing how our brothers' suicides affected our family).
The GOOD:
I have a wonderful wife that I have been married to for 26 years, the glue that holds me together. And I appreciate her now more than I ever did before when I had a tough exterior built up. We are actually miserable apart from each other and I owe her everything.
Our two daughters have turned out to be awesome, loving, beautiful, successful young women. We have a grandson and are expecting a second grandchild sometime in the next month. A lot of things that happened to me in my childhood, as much as they affected me and sometimes made me hate my parents, made me think (even back then), "I will never make my children feel like this (or say that to them or do that to them)" and I kept that promise to myself, along with not being abusive to my wife.
I have had a successful career and, up until the past couple years, considered myself one of the best medics in our agency (and was told that by a lot of supervisors and peers over the years). I do not have the confidence I once had and I jump/start at any bell, buzzer, ringer, you-name-it these days ..... but I only have four more years! But when I prided myself on being one of the best at my job, I now realize that I was not as affectionate or patient with my family as I am now. I may be nervous on emergencies a lot more now, but I have also become more compassionate toward patients I go to (especially anyone whose circumstances are anything like mine, my brothers, etc).
Sorry for such a long post, and thanks for listening (or reading).
I am a 46 yo male in the southeast USA. I have been told by a veteran CISM counselor that I have PTSD, after talking with him at length and numerous emails/texts (he is not local to me). He said that he and the nationally-renowned Dr he works with both agreed that is what I have, and said that they both are hesitant to use that label nearly as freely as a lot of folks do. My therapist (who I a have an appointment with in a couple hours, EMDR) also has said that I definitely have PTSD. I guess I said all that to say this -- I do not have a slip of paper saying I have PTSD (and don't know whether I want one or not as far as pre-existing conditions or employment stuff goes), but I have been told the above by the above people.
A synopsis of my life (in terms of negative experiences):
We (5 siblings and I) had an abusive father, physically and especially emotionally, who died back in 1996. One of my earliest childhood memories (I cannot remember a lot of stuff at all before 7 or 8 like some people) aside from the birth of a new brother when I was 5, was of being told by my father (when I was 5) that I had to leave and go find some place else to live (I don't know what I had done but I am sure I had misbehaved or something). He even made my mother pack me a little stuff and sent me walking down the main road that we lived off of. My mother came and got me a few blocks down the road, but this was the first time in my life that I remember feeling totally lost and wondering what I was going to do, utterly desperate. That pretty much continued until I moved out at 19. My father would talk about suicide when he was depressed/crying at times, also.
At 22, I decided that, instead of working for my father my whole life (he made me quit school when I turned 16 to work full time in his construction business), I wanted to do something else. I worked at a manufacturing plant for about 2 years before realizing I wanted to be a paramedic and starting school for it. I have now been in the Fire/EMS profession (at the same place) for 21 years, and it has had many of it's own traumas (but that I thought I was fine with until maybe 3-4 years ago). One thing I cling to is that I will be able to retire in 4 years.
At 28, we lost our father suddenly to a brain aneurysm.
At 35, my wife, 2 daughters, and I were held up at gunpoint while on vacation. I thought I was fine and did not need to talk to anyone about it, just had a lot of rage problems for the first couple of weeks (centered toward the guy who held us up), but it was very traumatic to our youngest daughter (10 at the time) and we took her several times to a child psychologist (and she is doing great).
A couple years later, there was physical, emotional, and sexual abuse of our oldest daughter (that we suspected but believed what she told us when we would ask) by a boyfriend when she was like 14.
At 41, we lost our 3rd-born brother to suicide (I'm the oldest, firstborn).
At 43, we lost our 5th-born brother to suicide.
I started really exercising to try and lose weight within a few months of losing our second brother. This led to pretty much blowing my feet, and the chronic pain persists to this day. although it does seem to be SLOWLY improving.
This past August, my crew and I responded to a suicide with a self-inflicted GSW, and were ordered to go in before allowing police to clear the scene. The method and everything about the scene reminded me of my 1st brother's suicide and I pretty much got overwhelmed, still doing the bare essentials of my job and with the presence of mind to tell the other/junior medic that he was going to have to lead, but definitely overwhelmed. That is what led me to talking to a couple of CISM counselors, being referred to a really senior CISM counselor, and now finding a therapist who uses EMDR.
We are still working through childhood and teenage stuff in my EMDR/therapy right now. I find myself doubting how well it is working at times, and feeling like I sometimes don't know how to really answer my therapist or assess myself on different things, but it has been an overall help I believe, and she is great (therapist), very reassuring. I have pretty much been an "easy crier" all of my life (along with most of my siblings) so there is a lot of that sometimes in therapy. I am also having to use tapping on the backs of my hands instead of the eye movements, as the first time we used the eye movements really fast, I developed a really bad headache behind my eyes (that I can easily get again to this day). I also have tinnitus really bad since having the worst headache of my life back in May of this year.
I also have no relationship with my mother since she has chosen to mistreat my wife in a way that I never would have guessed (especially after specifically TELLING her I needed her to not be that way when she asked how I was doing). Our mother blamed the first brother's wife for his suicide, then blamed the second brother's wife for his suicide, then when she found out I was starting to have a really hard time, she started blaming MY wife (and I'd told my mother that I was not going to do anything like that, especially after seeing how our brothers' suicides affected our family).
The GOOD:
I have a wonderful wife that I have been married to for 26 years, the glue that holds me together. And I appreciate her now more than I ever did before when I had a tough exterior built up. We are actually miserable apart from each other and I owe her everything.
Our two daughters have turned out to be awesome, loving, beautiful, successful young women. We have a grandson and are expecting a second grandchild sometime in the next month. A lot of things that happened to me in my childhood, as much as they affected me and sometimes made me hate my parents, made me think (even back then), "I will never make my children feel like this (or say that to them or do that to them)" and I kept that promise to myself, along with not being abusive to my wife.
I have had a successful career and, up until the past couple years, considered myself one of the best medics in our agency (and was told that by a lot of supervisors and peers over the years). I do not have the confidence I once had and I jump/start at any bell, buzzer, ringer, you-name-it these days ..... but I only have four more years! But when I prided myself on being one of the best at my job, I now realize that I was not as affectionate or patient with my family as I am now. I may be nervous on emergencies a lot more now, but I have also become more compassionate toward patients I go to (especially anyone whose circumstances are anything like mine, my brothers, etc).
Sorry for such a long post, and thanks for listening (or reading).
