My Journey Into Hell. And Out Again

[Deleted member 20280]

Here I go then.

This weekend I found myself stood in front of a door slightly ajar. I could hear sobbing from the room that lay behind. Terrible screams echoing through the walls.

As a man I just had to save whoever that was screaming in terror. Rather than compose myself to help this child in need, I did what I always do and rushed headlong in.

What I witnessed therein froze me to the spot. Crumpling to my knees trying to shield my eyes from the brutality and abject horror playing out in front if me I started to sob.

A mother brutalising a small boy. His uncontrolable fear testament to the torture his small innocent frame was being subjected to. I could not stop this mother beating her child.

Sick to my core I felt like my soul was being ripped apart by what I was seeing.

I must have slept through exhaustion as when I opened my eyes she had left. That helpless battered boy sobbing himself to sleep in his cot. Shattered from the vicious onslaught he had suffered.

Approaching cautiously for fear she would return I stepped closer to the cot and came eye to eye with a terrified small boy. Black and blue, tears streaming down his little face. That face begging me to release him from his hell.

I cradled that child in my arms as I soothed him back to sleep. Peace on his face. Shivering no more in fear.

Stepping out of that door with him clutched tight but lovingly to my chest I took that boy to safety finally releasing him.

I now know I was that little boy and I had to save me.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Great story, It's nice to imagine ourselves going back in time to save our innocence/ troubled youth.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am so happy you stepped in to save that little you, powerless, vulnerable and heartbroken. He had no one to protect or save him but now he has you! Hooray!

I have done this with the little me's I was who fled my soul at the height of trauma. I have gone back and intervened. This has been very healing. I hope someday my soul will be restored.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

When my therapist warned me to take this slowly one step at a time I did what I always did. Ignored him and emersed myself into research and engaging with this forum.

Having lost my whole family and 90% of my friends to my final breakdown I wanted answers. Jumping in feet first and entering that room, locked from my sight for decades. Too terrified to look behind that door. I lived this posting for three days culminating in my arrest to prevent a breach of the peace.

What I saw in that room terrified me. I spent three days sobbing my heart out at visions of sheer cruelty meeted out on me by a brutal mother at the age of two. Full details I shall not share as they are just too tragic and horrifying to type.

My therapist warned me of this and it has taken me days to come our of that room.

I now resolve never to let my mother terrorise me ever again. That little boy is safe with me now released from his pain.

 

[franciemarnie]

When I found my little ones, I cried and cried for weeks it seems. This was after many years of therapy and by the way never came up while I was in therapy. Only when my psyche was safe, when I had felt fundamentally safe for a few years - could I do this, could I even find them. And I had and have one fabulous person in my life who supports me and understands.

I am praying you are safe.

But what a great feeling to step in and save your little self.

Sending healing wishes and dreams for you tonight.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

After phasing out for three days and having to disclose the details to the police after being arrested on Monday. I met up with my old therapist.

Dinner with a good friend last night and some "Man Chat"

Good food with a very good friend.

Slept the best I have and woken with no pangs of dread.

Feeling happier now

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Well it's been three days since my mega-phase out. Surprisingly but excitedly calm now.

Hope my resolve to finish the battle to end this saga in my life continues.

:eek:

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Well days after my mega phase out as I like to call them and I find myself infront of a keyboard. The words just flowing from my mind onto the screen before me. My life book, not story as that would imply fiction.

My childhood and life brought to life in text. Relatively happy childhood intersperced with violence and sexual abuse. "Diary of a Broken child, Healing the Man within"

The chapter that terrified me the most already written. To be added to the very end when I remembers the horror of it by regressive self hypnosis learn a very long time ago.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Ever since I last updated this thread I have triggered to the point of uncontrollable crying whenever I try and read what I posted after I had this repressed memory brought to the fore-front of my concious mind.

I have just finished the Warrior Programme and I can now read these words with no emotional connection. I know that this event will always be in my memory and I will always be reminded of it but since learning the techniques I have this week, I no longer need to feel anger, sadness or guilt.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I would just like to take the opportunity to correct an error in this thread, When I had the original flashback that caused this trauma memory to re-surface I was convinced that it was as originally posted my Mother who hurt me as a two year old toddler.

After revisiting this particular time of my childhood with the therapy team I can see this trauma event much clearer than I could back in June 2013.

It was not in fact my mother who abused and hurt me all those years ago, it was my eldest brother, left in charge of me whilst mum was out, I know not where.

I never intentionally meant to mislead anyone with the assumption it was my mother and would simply like to set the record straight and correct this error on my part.