Before anyone's tempted to tell me "that can't be true..." just please keep reading.
1) I've been a crime victim twice in the past year. One of them was a criminal traffic where I was hit from behind and seriously injured by someone with a suspended license. The police officer at the scene neglected to test him for DUI so he went into the system with a misdemeanor instead of a felony, and because of not testing him for the DUI there was no crime victim compensation for me, even though I was a crime victim. He got off with practically no consequences, but he was ordered to pay restitution to me. He never paid a cent. He is in violation of parole. The police have picked him up twice since he's been in violation of parole (for drugs and disorderly intoxication), and both times they failed to check their system to see that he's in violation of parole in my case. So he's still walking around, while I continue limping from my injuries. In the meantime, my own car insurance (been with the company 30 years) is threatening to cut off my medical benefits (this is my own car insurance!) related to the car crash, even though I have $60,000 of med pay benefits and have only used $30k. The car that hit me did have a little bit of insurance and they are also fighting about paying that out (why? no good reason, they are just fighting). I've sat in court for hours and hours and hours this past year and I haven't received an ounce of justice. I have two discs in my back that are "surgical" and I've been advised to not have the surgery, because it's too risky due to my previous spine injuries. So what I have is a lot of physical pain and disability. And, I can't tolerate pain meds (they make me very ill). So, I have a lot of physical pain. I've also had to cooperate fully with both police investigations and prosecutions, even though I haven't had an ounce of justice. Insults (police and prosecution errors) keep getting added to my injuries.
2) I just got diagnosed with my third (third!) rare disorder. This one involves fever and incredible, breathtaking joint pain in my arms and legs. I also have spine injuries, a badly injured kidney, a heart with two life-threatening arrhythmias, and cancer.
3) There are things I absolutely can't do any more in my house, and right now, there is water in my freaking dishwasher and there's no way I can bend to get it out. I know this sounds small but these kinds of daily frustrations add up.
4) I just had to fire my therapist because he didn't follow through with calls he said he'd make to me while I was (am) in crisis. His not following through triggered some horror show flashbacks from other situations. Like I don't have enough going on in the present, that I also need to be tortured from the past? What kind of God lets this happen?
5) My family is dysfunctional. Unreliable. Unhelpful. Emotional vacuum cleaners. My mom was a classic narcissist and I took care of her for 17 years in a long, horrible illness that finally killed her. Taking care of her almost killed me. And, I lost four very close friends (separately, all different reasons) while she was in the very last stages of her illness, and I didn't even make it to the funerals, because I had to take care of her. Yes, we had hospice care. No, they don't just swoop in and give you all the help you need, especially if your loved one is slow to die.
6) I'm alone, largely because my last serious boyfriend left me, saying he feared I would become too disabled over time and he didn't want to have to take care of me. Since then, I've been rather allergic to dating. Not that I have the energy for it anyway. I don't. Just having to sit up for a couple of hours and hold a conversation is beyond what I can do.
There's too much pain in my life.
And, it's hopeless.
Thank you for reading this far. I'm interested in how others deal with being completely overwhelmed and discouraged. No one sees my tears. I'm like that tree in the middle of the forest that falls and no one sees it. I'm pretty sure that if I was gone, it would not be a big deal. Except for me. My pain and the injustice of my life would be over. Which would be good. I mean, think about it, my therapist knew I was thinking about suicide, and I was also too sick to come in to see him, and he missed not one but two phone appointments. No emergency (for him), he just forgot them. He just forgot me. What does it say that not even my therapist cared whether I survive or not.
1) I've been a crime victim twice in the past year. One of them was a criminal traffic where I was hit from behind and seriously injured by someone with a suspended license. The police officer at the scene neglected to test him for DUI so he went into the system with a misdemeanor instead of a felony, and because of not testing him for the DUI there was no crime victim compensation for me, even though I was a crime victim. He got off with practically no consequences, but he was ordered to pay restitution to me. He never paid a cent. He is in violation of parole. The police have picked him up twice since he's been in violation of parole (for drugs and disorderly intoxication), and both times they failed to check their system to see that he's in violation of parole in my case. So he's still walking around, while I continue limping from my injuries. In the meantime, my own car insurance (been with the company 30 years) is threatening to cut off my medical benefits (this is my own car insurance!) related to the car crash, even though I have $60,000 of med pay benefits and have only used $30k. The car that hit me did have a little bit of insurance and they are also fighting about paying that out (why? no good reason, they are just fighting). I've sat in court for hours and hours and hours this past year and I haven't received an ounce of justice. I have two discs in my back that are "surgical" and I've been advised to not have the surgery, because it's too risky due to my previous spine injuries. So what I have is a lot of physical pain and disability. And, I can't tolerate pain meds (they make me very ill). So, I have a lot of physical pain. I've also had to cooperate fully with both police investigations and prosecutions, even though I haven't had an ounce of justice. Insults (police and prosecution errors) keep getting added to my injuries.
2) I just got diagnosed with my third (third!) rare disorder. This one involves fever and incredible, breathtaking joint pain in my arms and legs. I also have spine injuries, a badly injured kidney, a heart with two life-threatening arrhythmias, and cancer.
3) There are things I absolutely can't do any more in my house, and right now, there is water in my freaking dishwasher and there's no way I can bend to get it out. I know this sounds small but these kinds of daily frustrations add up.
4) I just had to fire my therapist because he didn't follow through with calls he said he'd make to me while I was (am) in crisis. His not following through triggered some horror show flashbacks from other situations. Like I don't have enough going on in the present, that I also need to be tortured from the past? What kind of God lets this happen?
5) My family is dysfunctional. Unreliable. Unhelpful. Emotional vacuum cleaners. My mom was a classic narcissist and I took care of her for 17 years in a long, horrible illness that finally killed her. Taking care of her almost killed me. And, I lost four very close friends (separately, all different reasons) while she was in the very last stages of her illness, and I didn't even make it to the funerals, because I had to take care of her. Yes, we had hospice care. No, they don't just swoop in and give you all the help you need, especially if your loved one is slow to die.
6) I'm alone, largely because my last serious boyfriend left me, saying he feared I would become too disabled over time and he didn't want to have to take care of me. Since then, I've been rather allergic to dating. Not that I have the energy for it anyway. I don't. Just having to sit up for a couple of hours and hold a conversation is beyond what I can do.
There's too much pain in my life.
And, it's hopeless.
Thank you for reading this far. I'm interested in how others deal with being completely overwhelmed and discouraged. No one sees my tears. I'm like that tree in the middle of the forest that falls and no one sees it. I'm pretty sure that if I was gone, it would not be a big deal. Except for me. My pain and the injustice of my life would be over. Which would be good. I mean, think about it, my therapist knew I was thinking about suicide, and I was also too sick to come in to see him, and he missed not one but two phone appointments. No emergency (for him), he just forgot them. He just forgot me. What does it say that not even my therapist cared whether I survive or not.
