Relationship My Marine Told Me

[Loyal by default]

Well after 4.5 overall blissful months of dating, him making my valentines a special one (going all out and sparing no expenses), intro to his parents, my marine woke up and said "I love you but I am not in love with you! I don't know if I will ever be. I don't know if IV an ever give your what you need. This isn't fair to you. You are all in and I am not there and don't if I can or ever will be. I love you 100% and I want to stay in contact everyday (text/call) and I need you but not in an intimate or romantic level.) I can honestly say that this totally blind sided me. I did not see this coming, at all! We had all kinds of plans... Some made by him.

I'm looking for honest and brutal if need be feedback and suggestions. I am at a lost here.

 

[WillyKat]

This same theme comes up every so often on the forum. I'm not a vet so I can't speak for vets but for me, love is very hard and we're torn in two over it. We need it and want it but also need and want solitude. We want someone to save our ass but leave us alone. We love someone but sex complicates it.

We often feel we're nothing but a burden, but then again, we need to be a burden.

The sense of being lost you have probably applies to him as well. A lot of this lies well beyond words.

 

[Loyal by default]

Thank you WillyKat. I asked him if he'd found someone else, did he just wake up(literally) and figured we were no longer a fit, what? But he said it was none of that... Just wasn't where I was at and didn't know if e could or ever would be. This mind you was after a night of him waking me up in the middle of a warm clear sky night, taking me outside where he'd laid out a blanket, some wine and where he laid me down and we watched a full moon, the stars and some fluffy clouds. I am heartbroken BUT if I knew what this was all about, I would be better able to handle this situation (space etc)

 

[AlwaysLoveHim]

Sounds like PTSD. My bf did this to me for the first year of our relationship, and a few times in our 2nd year. You can't force him to admit it or get help for it, but you can certainly suggest it. My bf told me on our first date that he'd have a ring on my finger within a year. He told me in our 2nd year that he wanted to marry me and move in together and go ring shopping...and 3 days later he wasn't answering texts. He's said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, that he thinks he'll just be in a relationship but not get married, that he wants friends with benefits, that he wants to just date (but not to be with other people, just to relieve the pressure that comes with being in a relationship). Ultimately, when he came to own his PTSD, he also came to own our relationship. I have learned to give him space when he needs it and respect his PTSD and what he knows he needs (I am learnING... it's not easy), and he has been more communicative, running TO me at times instead of FROM me. ... If you want, I have a closed group on facebook for people like us! We're small but growing-- search for Second Stronghold :)

 

[Loyal by default]

Thank you Nikol907. My biggest fear is what if he's actually telling me the truth and it's not PTSD Related? What is the name on Facebook? Nothing under second stronghold :)

 

[Justmehere]

Trauma fueled relationship commitment problems are not easy to resolve... Is he in therapy?

 

[AlwaysLoveHim]

OK I may have fixed it. .. try searching for us again! if you still can't find us, put SecondStronghold after the slash after groups.

Groups goes after the normal website you would put in to access fb.

I hope that makes sense... it won't let me post the link or anything that looks like one so i'm trying to get creative lol

 

[Loyal by default]

Justmehere... I don't know. I wish I did! We do not live in the same state and I'm ashamed to admit that I've not brought up the subject for fear of annoying him so, I've waited for him to bring it up.

 

[K201]

I'm going through this same thing with my marine vet Loyalbydefault. It is so hard I am so lost. I am going to start a thread that tells my whole story, but if you would like to talk about it, I would love someone to talk about it with. We were together almost a year and he said all the same things about love and marriage, all kinds of plans, etc. He now says he is still in love with me and all but does know if this will work, maybe he should just be alone, etc. He needs a break and space. Right now he is completely shut down which is something he warned me of but I didn't really know anything about PTSD and he hides it (PTSD) very well. He has the avoidance behavior mostly. He thinks it is better than "killing someone". Talking to his best friend that knew him before he was a marine and after he came back she says he will come around and realize but this may happen again.

Nikole, I'm terrified this will happen again, how did you get through it I'm curious? I'm finding giving him space is so so hard..

Loyalbydefault what have you been doing since its happened?

 

[Chris516]

Lbd, What he said, may be him genuinely saying that due to his PTSD, outright. At the same time, what he said, could be part of the isolation/push/pull scenario.

So, Step away for some time. Watch to see what he does. My friend cut off contact three times in 2012 following her release from the hospital. Within days, each time, she accused me of ignoring her.