Death My mom's caregiver is nuts

[DharmaGirl]

I haven't been on in a while, and here I go again. My mother died Sunday, and her caregiver has turned out to be a nightmare. Prior to my mother's death, she was fired by my mother for being late every day but 2 in the 2 1/2 months she worked for us. She berated me for "making her feel like shit" when I had insisted she be to work on time. My mother, who was not in her right mind, kept giving her things that were mine or inappropriate, so I would tell her no. She took quite a bit from the house. I gave her some things and she was always hinting for more. The day after my mother died, she came to help me sort (get more things) and said, "Darn, your mother was going to give me baking pans from her closet and now, oh well." Seriously? My mother just died and you are telling me about more stuff she was going to give you? Not - I'm sorry for your loss, but I can't have the baking pans now. She also said she bought a Tiffany lamp like my mom's for $20 at a yard sale, and would like first dibs on hers. I wasn't planning on getting rid of it. It was selling for $200 on Ebay. I told her that and she said she would have to save up the money. There were red flags all along, and she inserted herself into our lives. It just seemed like she was out to get everything she could from us.

My mother was abusive. It is hard enough to deal with her death without a crazy person telling me I'm making her feel bad about herself. I explained I had never wanted her to feel bad about herself, I wanted her to be on time. Every time I would set a boundary, she would attack me through these amazingly long texts. I ended up asking her to leave because she had very high emotional energy and I had explained that I have PTSD (she said she did too) and need quiet around me so she would have to tone it down if she were to work with me. She agreed but wasn't able to do that. I didn't want to pay someone to help who was spiralling around me so I told her it wasn't working. She sent me a huge text about what a horrible human being I was. The day after my mother died. Why? If you hate your boss that much just quit! She accused me of feeling like I was better than her and making her feel bad. I don't think I'm better. Her telling me that doesn't make it true.

I guess my point is that this strange woman that worked for my mom for 2 1/2 months is acting abusively to me and I'm buying into it. After having written this I see that she is carrying on the abuse I got from my mother and I am buying into it. Nope, not my circus. I find it weird that she felt like family after a couple of months. She was a paid caregiver. She wants a medal for cleaning up diarrhea, but that was her job. I need to really process this out so I don't find other abusers to take my mom's place. I don't want to continue my life this way. I have to stick to the idea that it doesn't matter what she says about me, it is about not accepting her abuse and having her go away. Any thoughts welcome.

 

[Friday]

I don't think I'm better.

I do! I think you’re better!!!

In every way.

As an entirely separate issue? Accusing someone who outranks you (in 2 ways : 1 you’re their boss; & 2 you’re daughter of -the person whose stuff she wants- not the short term employee) is some seeeeeeeriously manipulative, vulture-circling, attempt to screw over people in grief/mourning. It’s predatory as f*ck, as most people don’t think they’re better than others, by deliberately confusing/conflating worth & RANK… catches most people flat footed. Creates a false association of equality. As if the other person “should” have equal standing, when they don’t. But rank/standing is a very different thing than “Yes. We are both humans. And have intrinsic value.” Shrug. Not all things are equal. Both of us are humans. Equal. Daughter vs 2mo employee? Not equal.

I have to stick to the idea that it doesn't matter what she says about me, it is about not accepting her abuse and having her go away.

Agreed.

Except in that the things she’s saying? Tell you a whole lot about HER. What kind of person she is. Absolutely nothing about what kind of person you are.

The more shit she talks? (Or anyone, really). It’s worth practicing reflecting it rather than internalizing it. She’s telling you who she is. Not who you are.

My mother died Sunday

My deepest sympathies.

Something that helps me, sometimes is remembering : Whatever you’re feeling, is probably more complicated than I can understand. But I do know you don’t have to forgive someone to miss them. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to love someone that you hate.

 

[DharmaGirl]

As an entirely separate issue? Accusing someone who outranks you (in 2 ways : 1 you’re their boss; & 2 you’re daughter of -the person whose stuff she wants- not the short term employee) is some seeeeeeeriously manipulative, vulture-circling, attempt to screw over people in grief/mourning.

Wow! Got it in one. That thought was just out of reach for me but yes, that is exactly it! I'm so glad you posted!

Something that helps me, sometimes is remembering : Whatever you’re feeling, is probably more complicated than I can understand. But I do know you don’t have to forgive someone to miss them. And you don’t need anyone’s permission to love someone that you hate.

Thank you. I know this will take a lot of reflection in the future. I'm numb now but seeing a new therapist. Since my mom was on hospice I also get grief counselling.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm so sorry about your Mum. And the complications given she was abusive.

I do! I think you’re better!!!

Second! I would hope that most people are!
Can you imagine going on like that to someone whose mother had just died? If a stranger in the street told me their mother just died , I would offer them more thought that she did to you.

Block her. You have no obligation to her. She is not going to behave well at all. She's shown you who she is.

It's understandable you've tried to accommodate her. Your mother has been dying. Its all complicated.
But you recognise now that her behaviour is appalling/abusive/manipulative. So, next thing is to put in your boundaries and block her.
She doesn't have a key to your mum's home? If so, get that back right away or change the locks.

 

[whiteraven]

I'm sorry, @DharmaGirl, about all of it.

 

[Dynamic]

That’s sickening to say the least. My good friend A was a foster mom and also let my grandmother live with her, as well as As aunt.

I’ve met a lot of caregivers or government workers at her house and NONE of them were like this.

even if your mother was abusive, it’s the loss of your mother and I’m with you. And praying

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thank you, everyone. She is out of my life. My therapist wants me to call Adult Protective Services to make them aware of the caregiver. She might call as well since she is a mandatory abuse reporter. I think I will let her do that because I'm dealing with getting rid of lots of stuff and making the home my own. Plus all the financial stuff you have to do. Yikes! I don't have a lot of leftover energy to deal with her. I had surgery on my neck a few months back so I still get tired easily.

 

[RVA21]

I don't think she's nuts. She sounds like a thief. The long texts? Red flag. And all the rest of it? Especially trying to twist it by calling you "horrible"? Red flags.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that this creep latched on to you.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm so glad for you. Well done for speaking to your therapist and leaving her to do the mandatory reporting. That sounds a sensible thing to do given everything you are contending with.

 

[DharmaGirl]

So now this caregiver is taking legal action against me. She said I told people that she stole from my mom and caused her to not get a job so she is seeking recourse. I did tell my handyman of 2 years that I thought she took stuff I didn't know about. He had done some work on my mom's bathroom and was astonished by the lack of furniture. CG (caregiver)s ex boyfriend had come over to do yard work and told me she stole all his tools when she left. He and the handyman talked about going over and getting the stuff back, but I said no, I don't know what all she took. Well, I live in a small town and the next thing I know she is threatening legal action unless I stop. I only said it once to the handyman, and on here, and to my therapist. Her version is that I sent handyman after her, giving him her address (I don't have it) then sent him after her son (I don't even know her son's name or where he lives) and that she heard he was coming to hold her at gunpoint to get stuff back. I don't own a gun, and neither does the handyman. We never discussed a gun or anything like that. I wanted to go with the sheriff, which I told her. After I received her message, I responded by saying I did no such thing, noted the items she told me she took, and told her I didn't want her to communicate with me. She responded a week later with a whole new bunch of bullshit, and telling me she feels as if it's in her best interest to block me, after I had already told her to not contact me.

Sadly, I reminded my mother of her investments in front of CG, or I don't think she would be bothering me. I'm afraid she will sue me and I'll have to pay an attorney. I have enough money to live here the rest of my life, but I would have to go back to work if she gets any. I should talk to an attorney. I am glad she will no longer be bothering me, since it has really escalated my symptoms, but I hate waiting for legal action. I don't know what job she didn't get, but the hospice nurse was going to put her on the caregivers list, but can't since CG is not licensed, and I told the nurse she was on time twice in the time she worked for us. I said the same to my neighbor who was looking for someone. I don't think I can be responsible for other people spreading gossip about her, and making things up. She told me to cease and desist on the 14th, and I haven't talked to anyone about her since before that. She wanted me to find everyone who heard about it and set them straight, but I don't think I would even know who is talking about her let alone tell them stuff isn't true. Her last message seemed to be a big setup that she could use in court. I am really upset. Thank God I am leaving for therapy.

 

[Teasel]

So sorry about your Mom @DharmaGirl
Can you block her from contacting you? She sounds so awful