Lady Elizabeth
New Here
I grew up mainly living with my grandmother. My mother has always had issues with leaving. She always wanted to leave, but when she did, we eventually went back to living with her. I never understood why when I was younger, but during my teenage years I realized that she just couldn't stand being alone and married a complete jerk because of this fear. I live with my grandmother still, but only because I feel she is the only one in my family who really cares about me. I am very much attached to her. I hate leaving her alone, she is strong still, but needs my help most of the time with my little cousin whom she babysits.
My mother was severely abused from the age of two until she was about seventeen by her older brother. He not only physically abused her (to the point of bleeding) but also sexually abused her. He also did the same to his younger brother and two other sisters. My grandmother I don't think ever truly believed that any of it happened, and she still to this day denies it. Or she at least just wants to ignore that it ever happened.
To me, my mother has never really cared about me or my older sister. It always seemed like her needs were more important, that she was more important than her own children. I grew up very quickly because of this, someone had to be the adult. I don't know for how long she has been taking medicine for her PTSD, but I'm not too sure she took any at all when I was a child. I can remember her screaming at my sister during a fight. She wasn't screaming any words at her, just yelling as if she were being hit.
I can also recall one evening, seeing her with a knife cutting away at the base of her thumb. She still has never talked to me about, even though she saw me looking at her doing it. She never has discussed anything about why she is the way that she is. The only thing she has done is described what her brother has done to her. I understand that maybe she was looking for me to comfort her. But I was just a child, so I didn't really understand it at the time. I just viewed as her way to scare me or keep herself in the center of attention.
I'm uncertain of when she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. But I know it was when I was a teenager, so it had to be within the past six or seven years. The diagnosis put a lot of pieces together. I understand now why she would be happy one moment, and a terrible mother in the next. I have a lot of anger towards her for everything that has happened in my life. I realize that it is the disorders and her brothers fault, but I always had the impression in my mind that she could control it and that she would push away the bad memories and for once be a mother to me and my sister. I hate that I feel this way, but it's hard to change these feelings.
I believe this is the main reason for the depression I have been battling since I was about twelve. Back then, I was angry with everyone and took it out on my little cousins. I would actually hit these poor children, and I will forever regret these actions. I wish I could take it all back. Now at 22, I am so heavily depressed and I don't know what to do. I am numb most of the time, rarely feeling any sort of emotion. I rarely cry, even when something bad happens. And when I do cry, it's for just a few minutes and not many tears come to my eyes. I hide away in my bedroom usually and listen to my radio, read or write. None of my family or friends even knows, or doesn't care to know or notice how unattached I am.
What do I do?
I think I possibly have an anxiety disorder, not even just that but I cannot be sure. In certain situations, I tense up and my heart begins to beat quickly. After the initial shock of it, my whole body shakes for at least five minutes. I can barely speak during an attack. These attacks first began when I was around seventeen. My sister had to have surgery to remove a piece of her cervix and I over exaggerated the situation, thinking at the time that she had cancer because she didn't explain what was going on. My most recent attack happened when my dear seventeen month old cousin was attacked by my aunt's dog this past March. I still cry a little and shake when I think about it, since I saw the whole thing happen. We were very thankful that the dog didn't go at his throat and we would have lost that sweet baby forever. I am very close with him and it hurts me deeply to see the scars on his face. At least he will never have to remember. I'm tearing up right now just typing about it. How am I to deal with this recent trauma?
Also, I would like to know if it is common for survivors of sexual abuse to tell or show their children things of a sexual nature? My mother has shown me pornography from at least the age of eight, maybe sooner. She also thought it was always funny to show me her sex toys. She didn't use them in front of me or anything. She just showed them off whenever she bought a new one. She continued both until I moved out of her house two years ago. And no matter how much I complained and told her to change the channel on the television, she still watched her pornography shows while I was in the chair next to her. She hardly talks about sex anymore now though, thankfully.
I know I need help, but where do I even start?
My mother was severely abused from the age of two until she was about seventeen by her older brother. He not only physically abused her (to the point of bleeding) but also sexually abused her. He also did the same to his younger brother and two other sisters. My grandmother I don't think ever truly believed that any of it happened, and she still to this day denies it. Or she at least just wants to ignore that it ever happened.
To me, my mother has never really cared about me or my older sister. It always seemed like her needs were more important, that she was more important than her own children. I grew up very quickly because of this, someone had to be the adult. I don't know for how long she has been taking medicine for her PTSD, but I'm not too sure she took any at all when I was a child. I can remember her screaming at my sister during a fight. She wasn't screaming any words at her, just yelling as if she were being hit.
I can also recall one evening, seeing her with a knife cutting away at the base of her thumb. She still has never talked to me about, even though she saw me looking at her doing it. She never has discussed anything about why she is the way that she is. The only thing she has done is described what her brother has done to her. I understand that maybe she was looking for me to comfort her. But I was just a child, so I didn't really understand it at the time. I just viewed as her way to scare me or keep herself in the center of attention.
I'm uncertain of when she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. But I know it was when I was a teenager, so it had to be within the past six or seven years. The diagnosis put a lot of pieces together. I understand now why she would be happy one moment, and a terrible mother in the next. I have a lot of anger towards her for everything that has happened in my life. I realize that it is the disorders and her brothers fault, but I always had the impression in my mind that she could control it and that she would push away the bad memories and for once be a mother to me and my sister. I hate that I feel this way, but it's hard to change these feelings.
I believe this is the main reason for the depression I have been battling since I was about twelve. Back then, I was angry with everyone and took it out on my little cousins. I would actually hit these poor children, and I will forever regret these actions. I wish I could take it all back. Now at 22, I am so heavily depressed and I don't know what to do. I am numb most of the time, rarely feeling any sort of emotion. I rarely cry, even when something bad happens. And when I do cry, it's for just a few minutes and not many tears come to my eyes. I hide away in my bedroom usually and listen to my radio, read or write. None of my family or friends even knows, or doesn't care to know or notice how unattached I am.
What do I do?
I think I possibly have an anxiety disorder, not even just that but I cannot be sure. In certain situations, I tense up and my heart begins to beat quickly. After the initial shock of it, my whole body shakes for at least five minutes. I can barely speak during an attack. These attacks first began when I was around seventeen. My sister had to have surgery to remove a piece of her cervix and I over exaggerated the situation, thinking at the time that she had cancer because she didn't explain what was going on. My most recent attack happened when my dear seventeen month old cousin was attacked by my aunt's dog this past March. I still cry a little and shake when I think about it, since I saw the whole thing happen. We were very thankful that the dog didn't go at his throat and we would have lost that sweet baby forever. I am very close with him and it hurts me deeply to see the scars on his face. At least he will never have to remember. I'm tearing up right now just typing about it. How am I to deal with this recent trauma?
Also, I would like to know if it is common for survivors of sexual abuse to tell or show their children things of a sexual nature? My mother has shown me pornography from at least the age of eight, maybe sooner. She also thought it was always funny to show me her sex toys. She didn't use them in front of me or anything. She just showed them off whenever she bought a new one. She continued both until I moved out of her house two years ago. And no matter how much I complained and told her to change the channel on the television, she still watched her pornography shows while I was in the chair next to her. She hardly talks about sex anymore now though, thankfully.
I know I need help, but where do I even start?
