Death My mum died last night

[blackemerald1]

Hey barefoot.. well the technique I am being taught... and I do stress I am a raw beginner and fail miserably a lot of the time.. is make yourself comfortable, focus on something like idk sucking a lolly...whatever and think about the lolly. So then the intrusive thoughts seem to come along pushing and shoving their way to the front to be heard. Allow them to come (and as you are already doing) allow them to flow away and bring your mind back to the focus point (lolly).

So.. I'm doing this a few times a day. Sometimes I fail bc all my thoughts are too jumbled and will not leave or I get way too distracted. Also.. I am trying to find something that I really like to be my focus bc lollies don't do that for me.

But sometimes I glimpse success. Not at all sure if this will help but maybe you could ask your T if she has a similar technique she could teach you that might calm down the thoughts.

I don't think it solves anything in terms of pressing problems or trauma. It's more designed to calm the mind. :hug:

 

[barefoot]

It’s been 9 months since my mum died. I still don’t want to think about her or talk about her.

Every now and then my therapist gently mentions that we haven’t talked about how I’m doing about my mum passing away. She knows I don’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t try to force me. But she keeps it there in the space, energetically at least.

Mum is popping into my mind more at the moment because it would have been her birthday this coming weekend. I’m feeling stressed about it. I also have a dilemma about it...think I might make a separate post about that...

I feel worn out.

 

[barefoot]

It’s been a year. How did that happen?!
I still can’t bear to think about her.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm so very sorry @barefoot. I am thinking of you. :hug:

What would ease your mind and bring you peace?

What would you like to do, continue not thinking of her like this last year or be able to think of her and acknowledge her as still very much a part of your life. Or some other way?

I know this is a delicate area for you because of the trauma.

Are you stuck with this?

You don't need to answer if you don't want to.

 

[Deanna]

Death is very hard.. Depression can set in pretty quickly during grief if not dealt with. I've been there barefoot and my best advise would be to let your emotions out to T. I'm so sorry about your mom.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for your support @blackemerald1 and @Deanna

What would you like to do, continue not thinking of her like this last year or be able to think of her and acknowledge her as still very much a part of your life. Or some other way?

I suppose I would like to be able to think/talk about her without getting overwhelmed.

Are you stuck with this?

I think I’m stuck in that I know I am avoiding.

I find it very hard to know (in general, not just about this) when avoidance is unhealthy/unhelpful and I should challenge it and push through it and when it is good self-care.

my best advise would be to let your emotions out to T.

This may sound stupid but I don’t think I know how.

If emotion starts to bubble up (eg I get teary or my voice cracks) it seems to just shut down as quickly as it starts.

I don’t know how to break down the resistance I have towards intimacy with my T, staying with my feelings, expressing my feelings etc.
So, I guess there’s stuckness there too.

 

[Deanna]

Thanks for your support @blackemerald1 and @Deanna



I suppose I would like to be able to think/talk about her without getting overwhelmed.



I think I’m stuck in that I know I am avoiding.

I find it very hard to know (in general, not just about this) when avoidance is unhealthy/unhelpful and I should challenge it and push through it and when it is good self-care.




This may sound stupid but I don’t think I know how.

If emotion starts to bubble up (eg I get teary or my voice cracks) it seems to just shut down as quickly as it starts.

I don’t know how to break down the resistance I have towards intimacy with my T, staying with my feelings, expressing my feelings etc.
So, I guess there’s stuckness there too.

A lot of people have lost mothers and fathers. Just let it go when you're there. You're not dealing with it on your own and it can make your depression worse. A t will understand. Heck! I would understand. Millions of people would understand so why do you feel like you're the only one who has to suffer?

 

[barefoot]

Of course I know that plenty of people have lost loved ones are experienced grief. I’m not sure why you think I think I’m the only one suffering?

I also don’t understand though how crying in front of my T (or some other ‘letting it go’ kind of thing) alleviates any pain or suffering. What does that change?

Not trying to be difficult. I just never really understand why/how expressing my emotions to others is meant to make something better?

 

[grit]

I am so sorry @barefoot. My deepest sympathy and condolences to you and your family.

 

[Deanna]

Of course I know that plenty of people have lost loved ones are experienced grief. I’m not sure why you think I think I’m the only one suffering?

I also don’t understand though how crying in front of my T (or some other ‘letting it go’ kind of thing) alleviates any pain or suffering. What does that change?

Not trying to be difficult. I just never really understand why/how expressing my emotions to others is meant to make something better?

Okay. I'm sorry for your loss, sweetie.

 

[ChildofGod]

I am very sorry for your loss, barefoot.

 

[blackemerald1]

I find it very hard to know (in general, not just about this) when avoidance is unhealthy/unhelpful and I should challenge it and push through it and when it is good self-care.

^Me too. I've no idea really. You need a wiser head than mine for sure.

If you are avoiding in order to not become overwhelmed, whatever that means for you, that could mean it is a defensive mechanism?

Is being overwhelmed really bad in regard to this particular context? What do you think will happen if you became overwhelmed?

You don't need to answer obviously. I was always denied permission to express myself and then later it was literally trained out of me because it would never have been appropriate.

Now even when I feel that it would be appropriate to express grief. It won't happen. I guess I'm stuck too. :sorry:

You will still be ok @barefoot. Maybe the fact that it's been a year and you are still ok means it is ok.